Maya POV

When I wake up I feel you in my arms. I remember falling asleep before you joined me in bed, which leads me to think that apparently I am also subconsciously searching for you. It would all be absolutely normal if it weren't for what happened yesterday. Yeah, what happened. In a moment the moments of our quarrel come back to my mind, like a short film that I don't have the slightest desire to see. We haven't fought like this since... since I cheated on you. And there was less confrontation, I just threw what I had done at you, without thinking at all... no, that's not true. I thought about it but I just wanted to hurt you, I think for a sick mechanism for which I wanted to make you feel the pain you forced me to face by showing me the true face of my father.

I try to hold you close to me a little, to see what effect it has on me to make that simple gesture that starts every day, except for when we have night shifts. I have no doubts about you, about your words... but I still feel a kind of brake on being close to you, in the way I know I want to do it after all. I decide to go for a run, as it has always helped me do it. It allows me to clear my mind and God knows how much I need to do it now. I walk over to kiss you on the shoulder, and at that moment my body is tempted to push towards yours, but I can't afford it, not yet.

I get up and quickly get ready, take the headphones and in a moment I'm ready to start running. I put one step in front of the other, trying not to overdo it at the beginning, as often happens when I vent my thoughts, nervousness, tension on the road. I think once again of the image I made in my head of you approaching her, touching her face in the way you usually silently ask me to kiss you. I feel my heart start pumping more, my stride getting firmer. Your lips seek hers, they touch them and for an instant they love them, of that love which is mine, is for me. I feel tears mingle with the sweat running down my forehead as I continue to accelerate my pace. Did that kiss take your breath away? Did your eyes seek hers when you walked away? It's too much, it's more than my head, my heart can handle. I feel my legs, however, no longer keep the pace of my run, as well as my breath. So I stop, cursing myself for not being able to remove that image from my mind and even less from my heart.

I put my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath and I understand that it is not simply due to the physical effort that I am missing. And in a moment my breath starts to fail, in a different way, in a way that I know and recognize. It is as if my throat tightens, my eyes begin to wander as if they are looking for somewhere to cling to, a hold. I almost seem to hear your voice in my head, telling me to stay calm, so I close my eyes, trying to follow it. It seems to me to chase you and escape you at the same time, as if I were inside a labyrinth and at every corner I turned I found you. I can't figure out if you want to point me out or push me to get lost even more. I feel like I'm going crazy, I feel like my head is popping. I lean down slowly with my hands on the ground, hoping that the heart will slow down at least a little, but it doesn't seem in the least willing to do so. It's as if I felt it coming out of my chest, indeed as if it wanted to break through ... I don't think I've ever felt so, so bad. I'm starting to think I need help, so I look around when I hear a voice asking me,

"Do you need help?"

I look up and see her in front of me... Arizona.

I wake up with such a start that I suddenly find myself sitting on the bed, short of breath. You can't not have heard me, in fact in a moment I find you sitting next to me. You gently caress my back while you look at me with your eyes still half closed, as if you just wanted to pause sleep.

"Hey bambina, what's up?" you ask me in a confused and at the same time worried voice.

"Nothing ... nothing, sorry if I woke you up. Go back to sleep" I reply, turning my head slightly towards you but keeping my eyes down. I stay there for a few seconds, trying to calm my breathing, and I don't immediately notice that you haven't moved an inch and you continue to give me your caresses.

"Maya..." you ask, convinced that my reply is not true. You really know me too well to believe my words.

"Really, it's nothing Carina" I reply in a more firm, brusque, not to say aggressive way.

"Ok" you say to me in an apparently serene way, but I know you and it is enough for me to hear the sound of your breath to understand that it is not ok, that you were just worrying about me and my response was excessive in tone.

"I'm sorry... Carina, I'm sorry, really" I reply, reaching out my hand towards you, as if to give you the opportunity to dodge my touch. You don't, so I get close to you.

"Come here," I whisper, almost pleading, spreading my arms to make space for you. After all, I'm really so selfish... I realize it by holding you in my arms, almost more to force myself to leave my fears aside than to give you relief. And this makes me feel even worse if possible than I already feel.

"You warned me," you whisper shyly. I immediately understand perfectly what you are referring to, as well as the fact that you are the first to try to justify my behavior. And that's how you show me, perfectly, once again, how much you love me.

"No, Carina... don't let me treat you like that. Don't justify me, don't lower your head, never. I'm an idiot" I whisper, bringing my fingers under your chin, making you lift your head, thus crossing our eyes.

"I know that you still love me, and I will forgive you for these moments of yours, for these answers that hurt me, because I hurt you, I know"

I don't feel I can reply to your words, and I just hold you, leaving you a kiss on the front. It still makes me strange to hold you close to me, but I was raised under the banner of shock therapy to overcome any difficulty. That's all I know how to do, so I inflict it on myself, becoming the torturer of my own feelings in an instant. I have to try, indeed I have to win this fight with myself and with my anger. Because I have no intention of losing you, not for something objectively trivial, although it seems to me a really, really hard obstacle to overcome.