AN:Hi all! I've been really stuck in my head lately overthinking my writing, and this started as a stream-of-consciousness exercise to clear my mind a bit. I still will probably write more post-rec stuff, but this was a fun way to think about them working through their shit, too. Also, it was really for another work, but shoutout to lena for reminding me of who Callie is as a person, bc it helped with this one too.
Title is from the song 2/14 by The Band Camino
As Callie approached the peds ward, her eyes narrowed and her gaze swept across the floor. Doctors and nurses she only knew by sight lingered and chattered. Alex Karev bustled out of one patient's room and into the next with a chart under his arm, a slight smile replacing his usual scowl.
Arizona Robbins was nowhere to be seen.
Relieved, Callie told herself as she slipped into Jamie Cusack's room to perform the routine pre-op check. You're supposed to be relieved. Mrs. Cusack hovered.
"Where's Dr. Robbins?" she demanded.
Callie swallowed, the same question rising in her even though she knew the answer. "It's a routine enough procedure that Dr. Robbins doesn't need to supervise," she explained as she rolled up Jamie's sleeve.
He gave her a gap-toothed smile. That stupid, toothy gap had also given him the most obnoxious whistle, which he was always showing off to anyone whether or not they wanted to listen. Callie hated the kid, but Arizona seemed to love him, which, currently, only made Callie more annoyed.
In truth, she wasn't relieved that the blonde peds surgeon was nowhere to be seen. In fact, whenever she'd had a page the past few weeks, her first thought was always to hope it belonged to a child. (Her second was guilt, because she wasn't a complete sociopath.)
What Callie wanted was to see Arizona - no, not just to see Arizona, but also, for Arizona to see her, to remember that she existed, to feel that fresh wave of pain that Callie had felt every moment since Arizona has dashed out of their apartment still yanking on her shoes, choking back the tears that had come out when Callie had whispered "I love you" as they fell asleep after what was supposed to be only one round of breakup sex. Callie still couldn't believe it was real, that even though the woman of her dreams supposedly returned her feelings, loved her back, claimed to be in it, they still weren't together, all because Arizona didn't want a baby. What had she possibly done wrong, Callie asked the universe as she made a few notes on her chart, besides wanting a freaking baby?
"Do you want to hear me whistle?" Jamie asked as Callie stood up, having finished her examination. His lips were already puckered, waiting for the word from Callie.
"Not really," said Callie. "Maybe after your surgery." She made a mental note to make sure a resident handled all of Jamie's post ops.
Callie knew the pining should have stopped when Arizona had kissed Callie in the elevator. Any girl with self-respect would have stopped floating the peds charts to the top of the stack, would have only wanted to avoid Arizona after that kiss, which still lingered on Callie's lips and tongue, no matter how many drinks she and Mark had thrown back afterwards.
Truthfully, the kiss itself had been exactly what Callie wanted, exactly what she'd been hoping for when her ex-girlfriend's name had fallen from her lips. But then Arizona had walked away from Callie, just like she had walked away from the relationship - given up, because the Callie who wanted a baby, the Callie who had tried to see things from Arizona's point of view, wasn't enough, apparently. The thought made Callie fume as she exited Jamie's room.
All she wanted was for Arizona to see her, and know she was ignoring her, and understand that no matter how quickly she had walked away from Callie, she, Callie Torres, was going to run away from-
Callie rounded the corner so lost in thought that she forgot to look for Arizona, or even to check if someone might be headed the other way. The speed at which the blur hurtled toward Callie caught her off guard, and, throwing her free hand up in a misguided attempt to protect her own face, Callie's hand made direct contact with Arizona's eye
"Ohmygod!" Callie's charts spilled to the floor as she surged forward to grab Arizona, who had somehow managed to stay on her Heely-clad feet by clutching the wall.
"Oh my god, Arizona, are you alright? Are you okay? Oh, god I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." Without thinking, her hand automatically went to Arizona's face, careful not to press too hard as she visually examined the red mark her knuckles had left. She needed to know that Arizona was alright, that she hadn't hurt her, but she also desperately wanted to sink straight through the floor and never have to face her ex-girlfriend or anyone else in the hospital again.
"Easy there, Calliope. You could have let me have a warm up round first before you went straight for the face. How's your hand?" Despite her even tone, Arizona's hand was already gingerly touching her eye and grimace was plastered on her face.
Though she was concerned, a slight flicker of annoyance passed through Callie. She had just accidentally smacked Arizona in the face in front of all her coworkers, and here Arizona was, cracking a joke even though she was in pain. The thought was immediately followed by a small wave of guilt.
"My hand is fine," she said, shaking it, "Just stings a little, but nothing that'll keep me from surgery. Are you sure you're okay?" It wasn't that she wanted Arizona to be in pain; it was that she so clearly was, and Callie needed her to admit it.
As if on cue, Arizona winced. "I've had worse," she said, "But you pack a mean punch, Calliope."
The ease with which she still spoke, the fact she was alright, and her easy familiarity all tugged at the strand of annoyance that was already weaving through Callie. Callie had just slammed into her - how could Arizona be acting like this, all fake, and smiley, and like nothing had ever happened?
"Stop calling me Calliope," Callie blurted, her left hand still clutching Arizona's elbow as if Arizona would slide to the ground and break if she let go.
Arizona's expression immediately chilled to a more professional demeanor as she tugged her arm out of Callie's grasp, but her eyes couldn't entirely hide her hurt. That glint of emotional pain didn't make Callie feel as good as she'd imagined it would.
"Sorry," Callie added quickly. "Sorry, I was being a jerk. Arizona, I didn't mean it." Her entire fantasy of cool detachment was falling apart even as Arizona gave her the hurt expression she'd been craving.
"Don't worry about it, Callie." Her tone felt almost like a reciprocal blow to Callie, her pain only breaking something in Callie more.
"C'mon," she said, letting go of Arizona with one hand and reaching down to scoop up her charts. "I have a few minutes before my next consult. Let's get you some ice."
"You can just go, Callie. I don't need your help."
"I'm sorry, Arizona. It was an accident."
Arizona's glare hinted at a retort that Callie was sure would have stung, if only they weren't surrounded by their coworkers, with everyone watching.
"Of course I know it was an accident, Callie."
Callie knew it had been fair for her to ask Arizona not to call her Calliope, but each time Arizona used her nickname, it felt like a blow.
"But are you sure you're okay?" She couldn't think of what else to say, but nothing didn't seem appropriate, either.
Arizona sighed. She looked tired, Callie realized, as if she hadn't been sleeping lately. Not that Callie had been either, when her bed felt so empty, but she didn't want to think about that. "I will be when I get some ice."
"There's some ice packs in the supply closet right over here."
Arizona met Callie's gaze with enough iciness that Callie suddenly doubted the need for a cold pack. "This is my floor. I know where to find them." She yanked her arm from Callie's grip and surged forward.
Callie watched Arizona walk away for the second time in as many days. Intellectually, she knew she couldn't be mad at Arizona for storming away at a moment like this - she'd actually been really nice about the whole thing. But Callie still felt a stab of pain as Arizona passed the supply closet she'd suggested and rounded a corner.
How is it so easy for her to do that?
Callie stood rooted on the spot for a moment, trying to process what had just happened, wondering if going after Arizona would make things better or worse. If Arizona followed her, she decided, she'd be angry, but she'd be angier if she didn't. Pivoting quickly, Callie strode over to the main desk, where Karev stood with his nose buried in a chart.
"Karev!" she barked.
Karev looked up and chuckled. "Nice one, Torres."
"You saw that?"
"Dude, the whole floor saw you clock Robbins."
"I didn't clock her, it was an accident," Callie snapped.
"I know, that's why it was funny."
Callie sighed. "Great. Just great. Look, will you go make sure she's alright? She likes you."
Alex looked genuinely uncomfortable at the prospect. "Dude all she does is yell at me not to yell at other people. You're her girlfriend. Go comfort her."
"I'm not her girlfriend," Callie informed him, and even though it was unlike Arizona to gossip, she was annoyed at her that Alex didn't know. And a little annoyed at Mark, too - so much for being an excellent gossip.
Alex shrugged. "Dude, you just punched her in the face and now you're running after her. If you're not her girlfriend, why do you care?"
Because she walked away from me, three times now.
"Again, I didn't punch her Karev. We ran into each other. And I care because I'm not a sociopath!"
"Whatever. Look, I gotta go check on these labs." And just like that, Karev was gone.
With her charts still tucked under one arm, Callie stalked off to the next closest supply closest. She had tried to give Arizona space, but if Karev wouldn't look out for her, someone had to. She yanked open the door to the supply closet, only to find it empty. One by one, Callie checked the rest of the closets on the floor, ignoring the stack of charts tucked under her arm that she was supposed to be dealing with, and growing more and more frustrated as she came up empty. How far did Arizona feel like she had to run?
But when Callie opened the last door, the one to the supply closet all the way on the far end of the ward, she was met by a series of loud, wracking sobs.
Arizona looked up from her perch on some sort of crate, and immediately her sobs stopped. She was a mess, her left eye beginning to swell and darken, and her entire face, as well as the cloth wrapped around her instant ice pack, were stained with tears. She looked so broken and hurt that again, her resolve to be angry at Arizona faltered.
"Hey," said Callie, closing the door behind her.
"I'm fine Callie," Arizona replied, raising a hand to her face and wiping away a few stray tears, as well as any trace of vulnerability. She pressed the ice pack to her eye again.
Callie took a few steps forward and squatted in front of the crate Arizona was perched on, so their gaze was level.
"I really am sorry," she said softly. "About what I said, I mean. And, also running into you. I know I said I was sorry for that, but god, Arizona, I… look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I never, ever want to hurt you."
Arizona's blue eyes met her, the iciness in them melting, but not completely. How could the same person who had run out of her apartment, the same person who had walked away three times, look at her like that?
"I know," said Arizona, her voice softer than her eyes, and not at all sounding like she wanted Callie to leave. "I know, Callie."
It was enough to break Callie's resolve entirely, and pulling the ice pack from her and setting it on the shelf, Callie crouched down and brushed a thumb across Arizona's good cheek, leaning in for a gentle, but still needy kiss, careful not to press too hard.
It was the opposite of the kiss in the elevator, slow and careful, her desperate need translating into a soft, strong tenderness as her other arm wrapped across Arizona's back to cradle her. Arizona responded in kind, a hand softly sweeping down the side of her face and fingertips skimming through her hair, her body pliant and melting in Callie's arms, until suddenly she yanked back, scrambling to press the ice pack against her eye as if shielding herself from Callie. It felt like yet another blow.
"I can't," said Arizona quickly, before Callie could ask if she hurt her. "Callie, I - I can't."
Not again. Callie didn't know how many more times she could take Arizona ripping herself from her grasp. "What are you talking about? You kissed me yesterday! You did this first!"
"I know." Arizona's words dripped with the heaviness of the tears that were about to leave her eyes. "It's okay if you're angry that I kissed you. I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry that I did that."
"You're right. I am angry. I'm really angry, Arizona." Callie tried to hang onto the truth in the words, the feelings behind them. She hated how her love and her anger welled up inside of her at the same time, Arizona somehow the contradictory source of both. Callie had only ever wanted her to be the source of love.
"But I can't do this Callie. I - I know - I thought I could-"
"You can't do this? You're the one who said "We'll see each other at work!" then ran out of my apartment before we even finished! You're the one who kissed me in the elevator! And just now, you get mad at me and just walk away? How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I can't live without you!" Arizona burst out. "I was fine before I met you, okay? I had a good job, and my career was going places, and women were lining up for me! And then I met you, and I don't know what happened because now all I can think about when I wake up, or go to bed, or every second in between, is that it hurts, because I'm not with you! And there's nothing I can do, because we broke up for the right reasons, I know we did the right thing, Callie, I know we did, but I can't live without you, I can't stop needing you."
"What, you think I don't love you?" Callie shot back, offended. "You think I don't cry myself to sleep? You think I don't hate that I finally thought I had it together and I finally thought my life was fitting into place and all the pieces were coming together and then this happened? And it all fell apart, just because we can't agree on this one thing?"
"Oh, so that's what I am to you? A trinket to make your life more complete? A window dressing so that everyone will see how perfect your life is?" Arizona snapped. "And I'm ruining it, because my vision doesn't fit with yours?"
"Well, I'm sorry I don't have my shit together like you!" Callie snarled.
"Callie, you were never about checking a box! I didn't think I had any boxes to check! I wasn't expecting you, this - any of this. But then I saw you and I couldn't not take a second look and then it all just happened. You were just - finally - I just finally thought I had… someone."
Callie was used to strong, confident, sexy Arizona, who knew what she wanted and flashed smiles in every direction. She had grown to love that Arizona. But the Arizona looking at her was another Arizona, one she'd only seen a few times, a softer, more vulnerable Arizona who looked like she might crack at any minute. The one who ran to the hospital in the rain when her patient died on his birthday. The one who told her she loved her late at night, the one who burrowed into Callie's arms after a terrible day and cried, told her not to leave, because she needed her.
"You did have me, Arizona."
"You mean, I had you as long as I wanted children, is that right?" Arizona spat.
"Oh, so now I'm the bad guy, for wanting things from my life?" Callie demanded.
"Don't pretend like all you did was want something, Callie!" Arizona leapt to her feet, flinging the ice pack down on the crate, eyes leveling with Callie's. "It's all you talked about for a fucking month! You couldn't do anything, you couldn't make plans, couldn't get lunch, couldn't let me get ready for work without trying to get me to change my mind! You know how it made me feel, Callie? It made me feel like I only had a place in your life if I fit into your perfect image of a relationship. I'm sorry if kissing you in an elevator made you feel confused! But I spent that whole month confused, because I thought I knew what I wanted, and you told me what you wanted, but you never listened to me!"
Callie couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You never listened to me! I tried to think about it from your point of view! I tried to understand!"
"No! You tried to make sense of it in a way that meant I would have to agree with you! You were upset because I'm cute, and perky, and I work with kids, and I didn't fit into the box you decided to put me in, so you tried to make the box a little bigger and stuff me in that one instead! And then you got mad when I complained! Has it ever occurred to you, Callie, that we're just different people? We think differently, we act differently, we want different things? And that it doesn't make me bad, or wrong, to not want a child?"
Callie didn't know what to say. Of course it had occurred to her, it was why they had broken up, she thought. But Arizona was livid, continuing to shout, and maybe it was the darkening bruise on her eye, or maybe it was the small, tiny seed of guilt that had sprouted inside, but she held her tongue, and let Arizona continue.
"I never thought it was bad you wanted a baby! I just didn't want one! And sure, I got frustrated and snapped at you at times! Because you pushed me! I'm not you, Callie. And not because of my trauma, or because of my family, or because of my parents, but because I'm not. And you're not me. You're warm, and compassionate, and stubborn, and impulsive, and all these things I don't understand and wish I could and that's why I love you!"
This final admission seemed to suck the air, and the life out of Arizona, and she slumped back onto her crate as tears poured freely from her eyes. This time, she didn't wipe them away, or reach for the ice pack. She just cried.
Callie felt her heart being tugged both ways, in one direction by the deep, deep anger that she always felt when Arizona opened up too late, in ways Callie wasn't expecting, that ambush of vulnerability that erupted from her, leaving Callie lost and afraid that Arizona didn't trust her, and in the other direction by that pure, simple desire to be there for Arizona, to whisper in her ear how much she loved her, to hold her until she was okay.
She could pick the love, but the anger would come back again. It always did. Things would never get better, they would end up like this again. Or she could pick the anger over the love, and lose Arizona forever.
Or she could try to accept both.
God, she wanted more than anything to believe that Arizona was in it, that Arizona loved her that way. And staring in her eyes right now, it was hard to believe anything else, that there could be anything else except this cosmic, chemical connection between them that had left Callie wanting more from the moment she'd met her. And yet somehow, she was the same woman who walked away.
Arizona said she kept walking away because she loved Callie too much. She wasn't vulnerable, she wasn't open, despite her warm personality. It was something Callie didn't understand, something Callie could never do herself. The people who had walked away from her before - George, Erica, her family - they hadn't walked away because they loved her. It had been the opposite. But it was what Arizona did.
What Arizona used to do, Callie reminded herself, because even though they were shouting and crying in a supply closet, it was still over. How could it not be? How could what Arizona said be anything but confirmation that they were never going to work? Which hurt even more, because with every passing second, her mind managed to wrap itself around Arizona a little more, and her heart, a lot more, until a minute passed, and she felt like she might burst from how much she loved this woman, and from all the misplaced anger that she didn't understand.
Callie leaned over and grabbed a crate of her own, pulling it up close, but not too close to Arizona's. Tentatively, she reached for Arizona's hand. "Can I?" she asked, and after hesitating, Arizona nodded.
Callie squeezed those familiar fingers, immediately bringing all the memories of Arizona's touch rushing back. She wanted to go back to just a few minutes ago, when she'd first stepped into the closet, and for a moment, only love had won out, and it had just been her and Arizona, kissing, while she still believed she might walk out of the closet with the woman she loved. But they were finished, and no matter how much she'd ached for them not to be, for weeks, she could finally see. This was it, and Arizona's hand was all she got, for this one moment.
"You know, I spent all morning waiting to get paged to peds so I could give you the cold shoulder," she confessed.
Arizona scoffed, pulling back a little but not entirely. "What, am I supposed to feel better that you ran into me instead? Was that your idea of being friendly?"
"No, I just - it hurt me, when you left me in the elevator, after you kissed me. Because I wanted you to stay."
Arizona sighed. "Callie, we can't keep going down this road."
"I know. I know, Arizona, I know. Please let me finish. I - I can't do this anymore either." And it was true, she realized. She was exhausted, both from loving and hating Arizona. She couldn't do both anymore. "But there are some things I need to say, okay?"
"How is telling me you wanted to spite me helping anything?"
"It hurt me when you walked away, and I wanted to hurt you, by showing you that I didn't care."
Arizona raised an eyebrow.
"God, I'm saying this all wrong," Callie groaned, pushing her hair out of her eyes with her free hand. "I - I'm not trying to fight anymore, I just…" but she trailed off, because it was the sort of thing she said all the time when she was still trying to fight.
Arizona's hand shifted in Callie's, fingers interlacing with hers. "Tell me," she said calmly, blue eyes meeting Callie's, deep, and open, and no more hurt. Except from that eye, that had to hurt.
"I was mad because you left. First you left my apartment when I told you I loved you. And I know we had just broken up, but it still felt like you left me. Then you kissed me, and made me feel everything again, and then you walked out of that, too. And then I ran into you, and I snapped at you, because I missed you, and you left. And I was mad because I felt like if you loved me, if you actually loved me, you'd stay."
Arizona's eyes were round and deep and full of compassion in a way Callie had missed. Her hand tightened around Callie's.
"I don't get you, Arizona. I love you, but I don't get you. And I want to get you. But I also wanted kids, and when you said you didn't, I assumed you would just change your mind if I pushed hard enough, because I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want a baby. And I, uh, I guess I'm trying to say that I'm sorry for that."
Arizona did not speak for a minute, her eyes probing and piercing Callie's. "Thanks, Callie," said Arizona.
Callie gave her a small smile. "Of course. I just, I uh, don't know what to do now. Because you're right, it can't go on like this. We can't be yelling at each other and kissing in elevators and supply closets."
"What are you saying?" Arizona asked.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm saying… I understand why this actually has to be goodbye."
Arizona met her gaze, and Callie saw the same mix and swirl of emotions in Arizona's eyes that she felt in herself, the anger and the hurt and the love that all managed to exist simultaneously.
Love, Callie realized. Arizona loved her.
"It doesn't have to be, Callie, if we both don't want it to," said Arizona, slowly.
"What?"
"Calliope." The word came out of Arizona's lips reverently and desperately, and despite what she'd just said, Callie drank in the sound. "I honestly don't know what I want, or if I can do the whole kids thing. So, yeah, maybe this is a waste of our time. Maybe this should be goodbye. But…"
"But what?"
"We're already further than we were a month ago. We've already grown. If we say goodbye now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life."
Callie reached out, delicately brushing a strand of blonde hair out of Arizona's eyes on her good side. "Me too. But Arizona, we already tried to work it out. And - you - you said I made you feel like I didn't love you unless you fit in a boz. And I - I felt…"
"We tried and we failed," Arizona said simply. "But we knew where we went wrong. So this time, maybe we try, and… we get it right."
Callie's heart leapt out of her chest, the spark between them palpable as something passed between them, the rare harmony, of finally being on the same page, and not just thinking it, but knowing it.
"I'd like that."
They sat, still holding hands, neither ready to break the bond.
"You know, you should really keep icing that," said Callie, unable to keep a hint of bossiness out of her voice.
A faint smile turned up the corners of Arizona's mouth. "I know." She reached for the ice pack with her free hand and groaned as she pressed it back against her forehead.
"So what do we do?" Callie asked, as Arizona made eye contact again.
Arizona inhaled, then exhaled. "I - I honestly don't know, Callie. I need time. I need time to think about what I need. And more space to think about it - and - and talk about it." Callie nodded. "But I think - I think with some time - I would really like to move forward."
"So like… a break?" Callie asked, her heart sinking again.
"God, no! I mean, I can't have this conversation right now. I - I have rounds I need to get to and I need to come up with a better explanation for what happened to my eye than"My ex-girlfriend punched me in the face.""
Callie flinched at Arizona's usage of the word ex, but bit back a reply. "How about "my roller shoes are death traps?""
"Calliope, you forfeited the right to comment on my shoes the moment you became a dangerous obstruction."
"Dangerous?" Callie raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't the only one not looking where I was going."
Before she could reply, Arizona's pager beeped. "I have to take this," she said, standing up. "But I - I want to see you. We need to talk more. And - and also, I miss you."
"I missed you too," Callie replied with a grin. "Dinner?"
Arizona nodded, scooping up her ice pack. Callie wondered what she would tell whoever commented on her eye first. On the other hand, it was possible that the entire hospital already knew. Not that it mattered, because at the end of the day, what mattered was her and Arizona in the supply closet, and no one else needed to know that. Well, okay, she would probably tell Mark some of it next time he needed to be distracted from Lexie. Maybe not all of it.
"I'm off at six," Arizona said.
"I know," Callie replied. "Me too. I guess it's a date."
Arizona smiled. "See you at six, Callie."
As she turned to go, Callie reached out and caught her by the wrist. Arizona cupped her cheek, and she pulled Arizona in for a quick, gentle kiss.
"I love you," she breathed.
For the first time since they'd ended it, Arizona's classic, dimpled smile plastered her face. "I love you too, Calliope."
Gently breaking Callie's grip, she crossed to the door, pulling it open to leave, and then turned, looking back. She really did look like she'd been in a fight, Callie thought, but also like she'd still come out on top. And she was still Arizona, still beautiful, and somehow… still Callie's.
"I'll see you soon," Arizona said, before pulling the door shut behind her.
