What It's Like
Chapter 1: Because of You
"I
will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let
myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way
you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never
let it get that far"
Stella walked around her home, her safe place. But it no longer felt safe to her. Now that she was finally home as she wanted, Stella couldn't take it all. Just last night it had happened: she shot her boyfriend, Frankie, but in self-defense. She had spent every minute since regaining consciousness trying to forget the ordeal. Only there were a few problems: one, she was in a hospital being treated like a victim, which she supposed she was; two, Flack was trying to make sense of what happened by questioning her, forcing her to remember, sometimes more than she wanted; three, her apartment was a crime scene and still a mess that her best friend and partner had to process to understand what she went through.
Then to top it off this same person, Mac, had shut her out. Now she really needed to be with someone, away from this hell, but all he had offered was a hotel. There she'd still be alone even if she did not have to relive the event. So she told him to take her home. And Mac had let her go up, knowing she wasn't ready to see her apartment, especially when it wasn't cleaned up yet.
Seeing it all was too much for her: the table set for dinner, her dried blood in the bathtub, his blood on her rug, and that stupid statue he had given her. That was how she found out about the website and broken up with him. So he decided to kill her. No one knew exactly what had caused Frankie to do this to her. Stella had so many questions no one but Frankie would ever be able to answer. Therefore she would never get the answers.
Needing to escape Stella lay on the couch in the lobby with her bag, packed, for she didn't know who to turn to for help. Any of her co-workers would have been glad to help, but Stella wanted, even needed Mac. But he chose to abandon her.
"Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around
me
Because of you
I am afraid"
"I'm going to teach you a thing or two about crime scenes," Frankie said. All of a sudden Stella was back in the bathtub trying to free herself before he came back to kill her. Blood dripped from her fingers as she broke free not a second too soon. Knocking Frankie over, Stella ran from him, to her gun. Frankie came running and jumped on top of her, getting the gun. This time he did take the safety off and shot at her. The first bullet missed, but the second caught her in the stomach. Stella bent over clutching her stomach to stop blood from pouring out, but it was no use. "Someone's going to call the police, and your precious Mac will come for you. He'll be too late; by the time he arrives you'll be long gone. But don't worry, Stella, you'll see him soon for I will kill him too. Goodbye, Stella."
"No, Frankie, how could you? I loved you," Stella whispered as her eyes fluttered shut forever. Within fifteen minutes Mac was there checking her neck for a pulse. Not finding one his eyes tear up.
"Not you too, Stel. I can't do this again. I love you," Mac said to Stella, knowing she couldn't hear him.
"Don't worry, Mac. You'll see her again very soon," Frankie stepped out of the shadows, and before Mac could do anything, he had a bullet in his chest. He fell beside Stella, blood quickly leaving his body.
"I love you, Stella."
"Aw, how cute. Two lovers, partners, dying beside one another."
"No, get away, Frankie! Don't hurt Mac! You SOB, how could you do this to me?" Stella shouts in her sleep. She wiggles kind of like forcing an invisible person from her and almost falls off the couch. This attracts the attention of a man entering the building. He walks over to the couch and grabs Stella's wrists to settle her, not succeeding.
"Stella! Stel, wake up. You're safe with me," he says putting a hand on her shoulder and the other on her cheek as she wakes.
"I
lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I
cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm
forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart
can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with"
"Mac, what are you doing here?" Stella asks when her eyes focus on him kneeling beside her.
"I came to make sure you're alright. Why are you down here?" he stands as she moves so she is sitting.
"I couldn't handle it. The blood, the statue, it's just not home anymore, Mac. I don't feel safe after… Frankie tried to kill me," Mac pulls her into a hug as the tears come.
"It's alright, Stella. I shouldn't have let you see that. I knew you weren't ready for this. But why didn't you get a cab to my place or go to someone else's or get a hotel?" Mac asks as she sobs into his shoulder.
Stella pulls back to answer so he could hear her. 'If I had gone to a hotel, I would have been alone, and I can't be alone right now with only my memory and fears. You're the only one I could be with now, so everyone else was out of the question, plus I didn't want more questions about it. I know you won't until I'm ready. But you shut me out, just left me here to deal with it!" Stella goes into another bout of crying.
"I'm sorry, Stella. I didn't think you would be comfortable with me. Or even trust me."
"I do, Mac. You're the only person I totally trust after him. I mean, I know the others wouldn't do anything equal to that but… I just… I trusted Frankie, and he hurt me. He even went so far as to try to kill me," Stella says while he rubs her back in somewhat of a circle pattern.
"He can't hurt you now, Stella. Come on, let's go back to my place," Mac picks up her bag and leads her to his car.
"Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around
me
Because of you
I am afraid"
"You can have my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch. I still have paperwork to do so I won't disturb you. Call me if you need anything or if you just want to talk. You're welcome to any food you find in the kitchen and the TV or whatever else you want," Mac says as they enter his apartment.
"I don't mind the couch, Mac. You keep your room. Thanks for this. I know you like to keep to yourself and all," Stella says laying down after sliding out of her shoes.
"If you insist."
"I'm not moving, Mac, so I insist," Stella closes her eyes.
"Would you like something to eat or drink?"
"A glass of water if you don't mind," Stella replies sliding off her jacket.
"Here," Mac returns with her water as well as pillow and blanket. He sits at a nearby table to finish paperwork, glad to keep an eye on her.
"Why are you doing paperwork now, Mac? It's after midnight," Stella opens her eyes to watch him.
"Well, now's as good as any other time. Plus I have to have it done by lunch tomorrow and who know what cases there'll be for us then," Mac answers. "I can move somewhere else if the light is distracting you from sleep," he offers, hoping not to move so he can continue to watch over her, protect her.
"No, it's fine. I'll probably be up all night 'cause as you most likely gathered I see him when I close my eyes. So I'm sorry if I bother you during the night," Stella rolls onto her stomach because it was too painful to lay on her bruised back. "He shot you. In my dream, obviously. You found me on the floor, and I had been shot. But you were too late to save me. Then he came out of the shadows and told you you would see me soon," Stella says after awhile.
"That explains why you shouted my name in your sleep," Mac remarks.
"I didn't say anything too bad, did I?"
"Well, you called Frankie an SOB. That's all I heard. Go to sleep, Stella. You're safe here."
"G'night, Mac," Stella says before closing her eyes again.
"Night, Stel. Sweet dreams," he whispers. She smiles at this, even laughs a little.
"I
watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was
so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You
never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I
cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing"
"You killed me, Stella. I'm going to kill you," Frankie shouted.
"No, I love you, Frankie. Why, why did you do this?" Stella pleaded in the bathtub again.
"You hurt me so I'm hurting you," Frankie made a long, jagged cut on her arm.
Stella fought to keep from screaming in pain. "You already hurt me with your sick website. Who knows how many people saw that?"
"Well, they're going to see this too. Come on, one last time before I kill you," he moved aside to allow Stella to see the video camera and pulled off his shirt.
"No."
"What was that, Stella?"
"No, I'm not letting you do this to me. Go-" Stella was cut off by Frankie kissing her.
"You see, I love you too, Stella. I didn't deserve to die just because of some website." He grabbed his knife a made another cut, this time one her collarbone. "Every time you resist me, you get another cut. So should I continue carving or kissing?" Stella didn't answer so he put the knife on her leg.
"No, Frankie, stop. I love you." Mac sits in his chair watching her unsure whether to wake her or let her continue the nightmare; if she went back to sleep it would continue anyway.
"Stella?"
"Mac, help me," Stella shouts, still dreaming. "No, don't kill Mac, Frankie. I love him."
"He froze at her last statement. "Stella?" Mac says, touching her leg softly.
"I'm in the bathroom, Mac. Hurry before Frankie- Ow!"
"Stella? Stel, it's alright. I've got you; nobody will hurt you while I'm here." Stella finally wakes up and rolls over to face him but falls off the couch because she was too close to the edge.
"Ow," she mumbles as Mac offers her a hand. "Thanks. See you haven't gone to bed yet."
"I was about to, then you started talking in your sleep, and I figured I better wake you."
"Mind staying up a little longer? I've got some questions. I don't think you can really answer them, but maybe together we can work out an explanation," Stella says.
"Because
of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I
learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of
you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I
don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed
of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am
afraid
Because of you
Because of you"
A/N: "Because of You" Kelly Clarkson. I heard this song and the chorus reminded me so much about what Stella must be going through. So I decided to write a story using six songs. It's kind of sad at the end, okay really sad at the end, just to warn you. Please review!
