Chapter 4: Welcome to My Life
"Do
you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of
place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one
understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock
yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
And
no one hears you screaming"
Stella collapsed in his arms, "Do you need to switch cases?" She shook her head, "It's okay, Stel, just let it out, I know what you're going through, losing someone you loved," he whispers.
She pulls back out of his arms. "No," she said, "No, Mac, you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through. I know you blame yourself for Claire's death, but there's no way you could have done anything to save her, Mac, you were not one of the passengers on the plane; you weren't near the building when it collapsed. Mac, you were not the one who hijacked the plane that crashed into the tower; in no way are you responsible for Claire's death."
"Stella, I know that; what are you trying to get at?"
"You don't know what I'm going through. I killed him, Mac, I am responsible for shooting him, murdering him.-"
"Had you not, Stella, Frankie would be responsible for killing you!" Mac said, frowning, "I don't get why you are angry at me."
"Claire didn't betray your trust; she didn't try to kill you, Mac. How do you not get it? The only other person besides him I've ever loved is you. No one you trusted as much as I trusted him has hurt you as he hurt me; you've never had videos, private videos being taped behind your back, of you in bed with someone where everyone who searches your last name backwards can see them. Someone you loved has never attacked you because you broke up with them and tied your hands and ankle together with a phone cord. You've never cut yourself with a razorblade trying to escape from them before they killed you, and never have you shot someone you thought you loved to protect yourself," she starts crying.
"I guess I don't know what you're going through," he reaches out to wipe away the tears.
"No
you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You
don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel
lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're
down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge
of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't
know what it's like
Welcome to my life"
"Leave me be, Mac. You've hurt me enough already," Stella said backing away.
"What are you talking about, Stella?" Mac questioned taking a step closer to her.
"If you had said something that night I took your tie off, this never would have happened. You knew how I felt yet you didn't say a word. Now after all that's happened you want to get together. I just shot my boyfriend, and you decide to tell me how you feel. I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive you for putting me through this hell. This is your fault, Mac."
"Stel-" Mac begins but was cut off.
"And yet all you could do is leave me at my apartment even though you knew I couldn't face what was in that place. A hotel room, Mac? That does a lot to keep my mind off the fact that I was almost killed by my boyfriend. No, I had to sleep on the couch in my apartment building because my best friend couldn't do better than offer me a hotel room for the night. You left me, Mac, when I needed you most. After I helped you all those nights when you missed Claire, I thought you would have been a little more compassionate, but no," she shouts at him.
"I came back, didn't I?" he asks quietly.
"After I had to suffer by seeing my apartment covered in my blood, his blood. You don't let me go back to work the next morning because I need to take care of myself; sitting in my apartment reliving my nightmare isn't going to help me. Then you make me pour my heart out to some complete stranger who doesn't do more than offer you a box of tissues when you cry, not that you've done anything to help me through this!"
"Do
you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left
out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life
is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of
everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While
deep inside you're bleeding"
"I'm sorry, Stel-"
"Sorry isn't going to cut it, Mac."
"Then what do you want me to do?" he asks angrily.
"Everyone keeps going on about me and the attack; I don't want to be the news going around the New York PD and Crime Lab. And then when they see me come along while they're talking behind my back, everyone lies saying they were not just talking about me. They go on like I'm some kind of celebrity; it's not something to be proud of, shooting your boyfriend because he attacked you." She pushed his hand away before continuing, "I'm not happy I was on the internet where everyone could watch me have sex with my boyfriend. Then if I hesitate just the slightest bit, you, Danny, Lindsay, Hawkes, and Flack are immediately around me making sure I'm okay, telling me everything will be alright eventually, it's okay to cry. I just want to be left alone. Everything's not going to be alright, Mac. I might appear alright on the outside, but inside I'm still hurting. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart, and the blood is slowly leaking out into the rest of my body."
"I can't control what other people do, Stella, no matter how powerful you think I am," Mac said gently.
"It hurts so bad."
"You'll never go through it again, Stel. If you're with me, no one else will ever hurt you again. You're going to get past this, you're strong."
"You're doing it again," Stella shouted frustrated.
"No
you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You
don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel
lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're
down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge
of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't
know what it's like
Welcome to my life"
"Not only did I hear what you told Laura Jeffries when you told it to her, but you said it straight to my face. You'll never find out how bad it hurts to be told that if you shoot someone, you would have no trouble shooting another. I have shot many people, Mac, and not only to save myself, but you and the rest of the team as well," Stella yells punching his chest.
"Stel, I wasn't talking about you. You shot Frankie…," he stops.
"In self-defense like Laura Jeffries. You have no explanation for saying that that excuses me," she said smugly.
"It's not like you shoot anyone that argues with you, Stella. If you did, I'd definitely be dead by now," Mac said, not succeeding in making her laugh.
"I'm sure she didn't either," Stella glances around the outside of Mac's office finding many co-workers staring at them, including Danny, Lindsay, and Hawkes, "Well, Mac, it looks like I'm still being watched over. I don't need them; I don't need you, Mac. This hasn't helped at all. We're through," she said walking behind his desk.
Outside everyone continued to stare, "Why are they fighting? She's still broken," Lindsay said. The other two shrug.
"Yes, Stella, you do need us, you do need me. And I need you. Let me help you get through this," Mac pleads.
"No
one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in
the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be
okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to
work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's
like"
"Mac, I've been through a lot, not just with Frankie, but when I was a kid, I could take care of myself then, and I can now. Leave me alone," Stella said, tears still threatening to fall through her tough façade.
"But I want to help-"
"All you've done is hurt me, Mac; I can't continue to be with you if it's hurting me, no matter how much I love you. I grew up alone; I can face being alone now. You hardly had to work to get this job. I worked hard to get where I am, and it wasn't easy coming from an orphanage."
"I had to work to get here too, Stella. I work just as hard as you do, and I'm sorry you haven't had an easy life, but you won't let me help you," Mac said in a raised voice, not yelling, especially not at Stella.
"Only because you keep hurting me. I can't live like that."
"Should we do something?" Danny asks as they watch Mac continue to try to comfort Stella. She either moved away or hit his hand away from her. She sank down to the floor against one of the back walls, tears rolling down her cheeks. For a couple minutes it looked like they were making up, but then she slaps him across the face.
"You don't know half of what I've been through all my life," they heard her yell at him. She stood, looking for something to throw at him.
"To
be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be
on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No
you don't know what it's like, what it's like"
"I'm leaving," she shouts, not finding anything she feels like throwing at him.
"Fine, you could get fired for this."
"Go ahead, see if I care; maybe if I didn't have this stupid job I could find someone to spend the rest of my life with," Stella turned heading to the door. Mac grabbed a wrist and instantly heard a cracking sound, "Ow, what the hell was that for, Mac?" she asks pulling her arm away from him.
"I'm sorry, Stella. I just meant to stop you from leaving, not break your wrist," Mac says watching her wrist swell.
"Well you did. How am I supposed to get home? There's no way I can drive," she muttered angrily.
"I'll drive you," she gives him a glare. "Take a cab then, but first go to the hospital and get your arm checked. Send me all the bills; I'll take care of it," he added.
"This is all your fault," she said pushing him away with her good hand. Before letting go of the door, she shouted, "Just watch your back or you may be the next one I shoot, Mac."
"Stella, do you need me to take you home? Did he break it?" Lindsay asked.
Stella closes her eyes, "Yes to both, but I need to make two stops first: the hospital and Mac's house. Promise you won't ask about that or mention Mac to me?" Stella questioned, grabbing her purse from her locker, then headed to get ice.
"Fine, I'll get it out of Mac later," Lindsay mumbled to herself. Stella laughed at that, and her mood lightens considerably.
"To
be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be
on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No
you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my
life
Welcome to my life"
A/N: "Welcome to My Life" Simple Plan. I'm going to be so angry if Mac gets together with the new girl. He can't. Even if they don't put he and Stella together right away 'cause she's probably still broken after all this with Frankie. Hopefully if Mac and the ME get together, Stella says how she feels or something and makes Mac realize he feels the same way.
