Chapter 5: Savin' Me

"Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

Mac walks inside her apartment immediately noticing how much nicer it looked without the blood. "Stella?" he calls out, receiving no answer. Walking into her bedroom he figures out why she didn't answer: Stella was asleep on her bed, nice and calm looking compared to the last time he saw her shouting in his office. Mac spots a white cast around her right wrist, the one he broke earlier. After a little searching he finds a permanent marker to write on it with. As he pulls back the covers so he has enough room to write, Mac sees something metal lying beside her, her good hand around the handle. Pulling the covers back further he finds it is her gun. At the loss of the warmth of the blankets Stella jerks awake.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to make sure you're alright. Don't get mad; I also came to apologize and explain to you why I was an idiot and why I deserve to be forgiven. What's the gun for, Stel? I'm not going to hurt you," Mac says putting a hand over hers on the gun. "It's not still for protection in your apartment, is it? Frankie can't hurt you."

"I know Frankie can't hurt me, and you breaking my wrist was an accident. Even if we are fighting you'd still never intentionally hurt me. The gun was for me," Stella admits, sitting up and putting the weapon in her holster on her belt.

"What do you mean?" Mac asks sitting down beside her on the bed.

"Nothing. I was just having some thoughts while laying here. I'm over it or will be when I hear this apology of yours," Stella smiles as he pulls her close, kissing the top of her head.

"Stella, please tell me you were not having suicidal thoughts," Mac looks at her worriedly.

"Mac, we're best friends, and we tell each other the truth, the whole truth. If I were to tell you I was not having suicidal thoughts, I would be lying to my best friend," she looks into his blue eyes. His eyes stare back into her shining emerald ones.

"Why?" he asks quietly, scared for his friend, afraid she might hurt herself.


"Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me"

"I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try. I suppose I feel partially that I don't deserve to live after shooting Frankie. Then I start thinking what the use of living is if I can't find anyone to have a family with. And I thought I lost my best friend because I had a big fight with him," Stella says softly. "I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't mean to yell at you. Most the things I said weren't true. All my anger has been building up since that night, and I guess this was all I could take. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you."

"Don't be sorry, Stel. It's my fault too. Just don't hurt yourself. I need you, Stella. I don't know what I'd do without you. Actually I'd probably kill myself if I lost you. You still have so much to live for, Stella. It scares me to think you were having thoughts of killing yourself. If you accept my apology we'll still be best friends. You haven't lost me; I love you so much there's no way I could leave you. As for Frankie, he was a sick bastard and deserved to die a million times more than you. Stella, you haven't done anything wrong in your life to deserve to die," Mac tells her, gently laying her back on the bed.

"You don't know that. You have no idea what I did at the orphanage, what I was like. Haven't you ever wandered why I don't talk about my childhood at all? I haven't even told you," she whispers pulling him back on the bed.

"Yes, sometimes I do wonder what you're hiding. Usually I convince myself you just don't want to talk about it because it was a horrible experience, and you have a better life now. Stel, you don't have to tell me. I came over here to apologize; let me," Mac says scooting her so her head was on pillow before laying beside her.


"Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

"I'm sorry, Stel. I don't know how else to say it. You're right; I don't know what it feels like to be displayed in public behind my back or how it feels to have someone I love attack me and tie me up. I've never cut myself trying to escape so I don't get killed. And although I have shot people in self-defense, never someone I loved. But I do know what it feels like to lose someone you loved and cared for," he watches her stare at the ceiling.

"It just hurt to hear you say you knew what I was going through when you really had no idea."

"Sorry if that upset you. If we could travel back in time to that night in my office, I would tell you everything: how I love you and want to be with you. I'm sorry because of me you had to suffer through these past few weeks. I was afraid that if we got together, we would have a big fight and not make up. I couldn't stand losing my best friend. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, me being a guy, and after all you just went through I was sure you wouldn't trust any man. I'm sorry I left you; I should have at least made sure you went to Lindsay's or something. Even better I should have known you needed me," Mac grabs her hand, attempting to hold it even with the cast on.

"You've been a lot of help to me, Mac. I was just so angry and frustrated, and it wasn't your fault," she wraps her fingers as best she can around his.

"The guys care about you; that's why we kept making sure you're okay. And eventually the bleeding will stop and heal itself. You'll be able to move on. No matter what I tell everyone they're still going to talk. Soon they'll find something else to gossip about." Stella laughs at the truth in the statement; the PD and lab were worse with gossiping than a bunch of school girls. "You shouldn't have heard what I said – I shouldn't have said it at all. I'm sorry, Stella. There's nothing I can do to fix that," Mac rolls over to her side and puts his arms around her protectively.

"Your voice saying that, it haunts me like Frankie's," Stella says grimacing.

"Hm, I'll have to think of something else to say to haunt you. I know you hate being pitied and that you're very independent from your childhood, but I'm sorry you had a hard life. I want to help you, Stella. I hope you understand."


"Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'"

"I do, Mac. I'm sorry too," Stella lifts her shirt up so he could see a faded scar going diagonally across her stomach.

"What is this?" Mac asks, running his fingers across the scar softly.

"This isn't the first time I've thought of suicide. I attempted to end my life when I was thirteen," she fights back the tears.

"Why? What happened?"

"I was friends with this one girl at the orphanage, Sarah, since I was five or six. We always walked to school together. She was my only true friend; I always had a partner when we had to work with someone else, because everyone thought I was really smart, not that I wasn't, and they thought I would do all the work and help them get a good grade, especially as I got older. But I never really became friends with them. One day Sarah told me she liked this guy, Zac. I wasn't interested in guys at the time, not until I was a junior thinking about it, so I wasn't jealous or anything. He happened to be in our science class. Sarah and I always worked together in any class we had together, and it happened that year science was the only thing we were in together. The teacher explained this big project to us and said we had to work with a new partner, someone we hadn't worked with before. I knew it wouldn't be long before I had someone asking me to work with them, but I wasn't expecting Zac to ask. I thought Sarah would ask him. She got all jealous that I was working with her guy and wouldn't talk to me at lunch. Zac, for some reason, did sit next to me, and we discussed our project. He was probably one of the best looking guys in our grade and got pretty good grades. Well, that afternoon Sarah and I didn't walk back to the orphanage together. Sarah never came back. The sisters filed a missing persons report, and I was questioned. That's when I decided I wanted to be a detective. I couldn't help but think it was my fault she was missing. A couple days later I took a pair of scissors to the bathroom with me and cut myself with the blade. Sister Melina found me and someone took me to the hospital to be stitched up. I always found it odd it was she who saved me, and Melina is my middle name. There was a school dance the next week, and Zac asked me to go with him. I said no in respect for Sarah in case she was ever found, not that she'd care after all she probably went through," Stella tells him and end up crying into his shoulder.

"Stella, promise me you'll come talk to me or someone if you feel like committing suicide," Mac says.

"I will," she mumbles.

"God, and whatever you do, however you feel, things will always get better. Just don't end it, Stella."


"All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

Stella's cell rings while Mac is holding her, breaking the silence. "Bonasera."

"Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"I'm fine. It's Mac's fault again; he came to apologize. Bye."

To Mac she says, "I've got to go in. It turns out this lady had her friend kill her abusive husband. She wants to talk to me."

"Alright. I'll drive you," he offers, knowing she'll accept.

"How else am I going to get there?"

---CSI: NY---

"I just wanted it to stop. I was sick of being treated like that. You can't charge me for killing a man that beat me," the woman tells Stella.

"We'll let a jury decide that. I know what you're talking about, what you went through," Stella says.

"Yeah, right. Who would attack a detective? If I hadn't asked my friend to kill him he would have eventually killed me."

"Believe me, I know. I found videos of my boyfriend and I in bed together on the internet. When I didn't talk to him, he followed me, and I finally broke up with him. I came home to find him setting my table for dinner. When I went to make a call, Frankie pinned me against the wall. He practically dragged me to my dresser to look at this statue he made by my hair. Then my hands and ankles were tied together with the phone cord. I tried to convince him I loved him, but he knocked me out," Stella points to the still visible scar by her eye. "When I came to, Frankie dragged me to my bathroom. The doorbell rang, and when he went to answer it I broke my razor and used the blade to free myself. I didn't have time to get out so I hid behind the door and knocked it into him when he realized where I was. I ran for my gun, Frankie jumped on top of me, and tried to shoot but the safety was on. I shot him three times and passed out. Trust me, I know what you went through," Stella stands as they lead the woman to booking.


"Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'"

"So are we back together?" Mac asks as they eat the lasagna he made for dinner.

"Hm, I have to think about that?" Stella tilts her head to the side in her usual thinking pose. "Yes."

"You forgave me for hurting you?"

"Yes. You forgave me for arguing with you; why wouldn't I forgive you?" she smiles, pushing her plate away. "You're a pretty good cook, Mac."

"Thank you. How are you doing with your arm? Must be hard teaching yourself to do all these things left-handed," Mac comments.

"It's your fault, Mac. Therefore you get to help me with anything I can't do," Stella says evilly.

"I'm going to regret grabbing your arm," he mutters, cleaning up the dishes. "Go watch TV or get some rest or something, Stel."

"You're staying, right?" Stella asks, coming up to hug him from behind.

"If you want me to. I've got clothes for tomorrow in my bag."

"Good." She walks away smugly to lay down and rest.

When he finishes, Mac joins her. "Stella, I want to be the one to protect you, keep you safe from harm. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Stella."

"I love you too, Mac," Stella rolls onto him, kissing him long and slow, full of passion. Lips locked together they roll over. Mac pulls away, reaching for a marker on the nightstand.

"I forgot to sign," he explains, taking her arm.

"'Sorry. Get well soon. Love you a lot. Mac,'" Stella reads off her cast.

"And everyday you have your cast on I'll draw you a heart," he says, drawing the first one.

"How cute," Stella smiles kissing him again. She unbuttons his shirt, pulling it off. He pulls her shirt over her head and pushes her back. Slowly he traces the scar on her stomach with his lips, his hands moving to unbutton her pants as he goes back up to her neck and shoulders. Silently Mac asks her if she is ready. Stella nods, and he unbuckles his pants, pulling them off along with his socks and shoes, then takes hers off before climbing back on top of her.

"You're even more beautiful than I thought," Mac whispers.

"Please tell me you haven't hidden any video cameras in here," Stella says between kisses.

"Of course not, Stel. And even if I did I wouldn't let anyone see the tapes."

"Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth savin' me"

A/N: Nickelback "Savin' Me." Thanks to Pandy Roxy Chick for being my beta. I'll warn you now there's a character death in the last chapter.