Disclaimer: I don't own LWD or anything you recognize. Nor do I own the song Wonderful by Everclear. I own Tracie n' the storyline.

AN: This is the last FLASHBACK EPISODE. They're eighteen-in college, sort of building up to all the stuff in chapters 1 & 2. The song isn't exactly basing the story, simply the background.

Chapter 4

Derek Venturi stared up at the large building in front of him. His eyes blurred for a moment, trying to concentrate on nothing but finding his room, his apartment. He'd bought one because his roommate hadn't approved of him bringing his daughter each weekend. Blowing out some air Derek hoisted his suitcase and a box in his arms, slamming his car door shut. Eighteen and already moving into his apartment, life was crazy wasn't it?

-I close my eyes when I get too sad, I think thoughts that I know are bad.-

Setting his things in the center of the apartment Derek opened the cardboard box by his side, removing a photo from it. The three of him. Blinking back tears and forcing back the pain of unimaginable hate that he had for himself Derek found a tack and placed the photo in the hallway, right in the center. His family. His family that wasn't quite his anymore. Derek shook his head and rubbed his temples, he didn't want to think those thoughts again. He didn't want to know or remind himself that he was a complete idiot.

-Close my eyes and I count to ten, hope it's over when I open them.-

The world was black and white for Casey MacDonald as she entered her two bedroom apartment. She'd bought it a week before she moved out of her family's house. She'd bought it and she and her daughter had had a blast decorating girl style. Casey's eyes flickered as she stared at the all too familiar photo of a family she'd half lost, the photo sitting upon her counter staring back at her. Taunting her and telling her that her life wasn't so wonderful. That she was missing the last piece of the puzzle. Shaking her head she grabbed her keys and headed out the door. Unsure of where she was headed. Tracie was staying at her grandparent's house for he next two days while she...while she and Derek settled into their new houses, jobs, and schools. Life was going on. Life always did, but for Casey MacDonalds heart...well that was on hold. She felt like she was walking through a world that was moving at super sonic speed while her mind and heart remained back at the day when Derek decided he couldn't say it. She blinked for a moment before getting into the car and driving away. Her daughter was the only thing that was wonderful.

-I want the things that I had before, like a star wars poster on my bedroom door.-

With a swoosh Derek opened the windows in his apartment, it needed airing, it was too stuffy for him. Or was that the feeling of losing another piece of him. It had been so hard...leaving that house behind. That family and going on his own. But he'd sworn he couldn't stay there. With all the memories that that house held. Casey...he breathed in and out for a moment, taking his time scanning the apartment that was slowly becoming his own. Although he wished he had everything that was his long ago, he knew he wouldn't. He knew he'd lost what he'd had and he had to create his own little world now. Nothing was going to be the same.

That's when the realization hit him. He'd been able to say it all along, he was just scared he'd lose everything. In the end he had anyway. Shaking his head Derek walked to the middle of the room and opened another card board box, Tracie's movie collection. He sighed, they'd had a rough time deciding which of Tracie's belongings stayed with him and which went with Casey. It'd been even harder because Casey and Derek hadn't uttered a word to each other since they were sixteen. Not since that day. Derek picked up a handful of the movies and stacked them in Tracie's shelf to the side of his TV, giving a low sigh as he continued to unpack, Casey's blue eyes always piercing his own.

-I wish I could count to ten, make everything be wonderful again-

Tracie stared at her MeMa Nora with her bright blue eyes full of wonder. She was only three years old and that was enough for her. She was happy. Her mommy and daddy didn't live together and she always wondered why, because MeMa Nora and Papa George lived together with their other three kids. At three Tracie was intelligent enough to know how to talk in complete sentences and say what was on her mind. She was like a personality carbon copy of Marti somewhat. But you could always tell that she was Derek and Casey's daughter. She put her heart in everything, she loved everyone even when she didn't say it you could see it in her eyes. And she never hid anything from anyone. What three year old would?

-Hope my mom and I hope my dad will figure out why they get so mad-

The lights swtiched from red to green with a flick and Casey pressed the gas. Her heart was wrenching as she drove through her new town. As she drove through her new city. Through New York. Tracie and her mother would be flying in in a couple of days to drop Tracie off. Derek was living in Jersey. Tracie would know her parents, Casey was determined to have that happen. She just wasnt sure if she could take the continuous switching of her daughter with her ex-boyfriend. She didn't know if she could take seeing Derek each week, not seeing remourse in his eyes. Knowing he wouldn't look her straight in the eye. It broke her heart. Pulling into the parking lot of her new job Casey parked her car and got out, heading for the building. To her desk job, as a secretary. She didn't know what life had in store for her. But so far the cards she had been dealt were certainly not the ones she wanted. Casey wiped away a tear that had almost fallen from her face and sighed. Putting on a smile she opened the doors to her new office and sighed. Is this what he wanted? Was all she could think.

-Hear them scream, I hear them fight. They say bad words that make me wanna cry.-

Derek blinked back a few tears and smiled at the photo in his hand. The day Tracie was born. Derek couldn't believe how attatched he was to all these photos that brought tears to his eyes. Brought memories back to when his life was wonderful. Wonderful in the comfort of their home. Never outside it. At that thought Derek picked up the phone and began to dial. He had to talk to Sam, who was still in Canada. So far away. Like his family, like that house.

"Hello?" Sam answered his phone, taking a bite of some sort of food, Derek could hear him chewing.

"Hey man, it's me." Derek said slowly, brushing some bang hair out of his face. He was letting it get too long he knew, but he had no mind to cut it. He had more on his mind then his hair.

"What's up Derek?" Sam asked, more chewing.

"You talked to Casey?" Derek breathed out her name with a slow ease. But his heart felt like it was being stabbed as he said her name. Sam and Casey had dated after they'd broken up. Nearly killing Derek.

"Nah we broke up when she moved. She said she was done with Canada save her family, she's sorry n' all but eh we weren't getting along right. We didn't click the way you two did." Derek bit his tongue and bit back the tears he knew would flow at hearing how well him and Casey had "clicked." Swallowing he nodded, as if Sam could see him.

"Oh alright, thanks, later." Derek spoke quickly and snapped his cell phone shut. He hated talking about Casey, it killed him. She was going to be there in three days to drop off Tracie for a few more days. This whole drop off pick up thing was gong to kill him, he knew it.

Sam simply stared at the beeping phone before clicking off and setting it down and returning to the sandwich he'd been enjoying with Emily. There was so much the two had in common, creating a friendship. But Sam had no interest in her for a girlfriend. It was Emily. He wanted Casey. Sighing he knew he would never have her. So he wasn't going to try.

-I close my eyes when I go to bed, and I dream of angels who make me smile-

Derek's heart clouded and his eyes glazed. Casey. Her hair, her smile, her lips her face, her everything. She was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. And yet he'd let himself screw up the best relationship he had with anyone. He'd let himself ruin it. He'd let himself say he couldn't say he loved her. Yet throughout high school he never wanted another girl. He'd surrounded himself with girls each day hoping that one of them could ease the pain in his heart that was Casey. Yet none of them could, and she never knew it. With yet another sigh he left the apartment, locked the door and headed to the elevator. Where he was going he too was unsure. But more than likely he would end up at his new work place, and from there he would think on whether or not he knew if he could tell Casey the truth. He just shook his head. Wishing that he was fifteen, before she ever started wanting him to say it. Because it was his fault they weren't together and it killed him.

-I feel better when I hear them say everything will be wonderful someday-

With the sun shining brightly Casey parked her car in the park and got out, taking her Subway meal with her to the first park bench she saw, placed carefully by a colorful playground. Biting into her sandwich she laughed at the children that were playing, making herself one of her mental notes she told herself to remember to bring Tracie here to play, she'd love it. Casey knew her life wasn't over, she knew she could date and have fun. But in the end when her date would go in for that nightly kiss Derek's face came into view and Casey slammed the door in her date's face. It was rude, but she was sure it would ensure he wouldn't call back. Some did, she never answered. What had he done to her? Her food was finished and her thoughts played over in her head. She reviewed Tracie and her mother's flight plans over in her mind twice, her jobs files that she needed to go over one more time before they could be sent through and then she reviewed how she'd gotten through high school. With a bitter and broken heart that only loved for her child. Casey thought, tossing her trash into the garbage can next to her and standing up. That was the only way she survived. And that had been barely.

-Promises mean everything when you're little, and the worlds so big-

Some promises were meant to be broken, and some were meant just so they would never be made, Derek thought as he walked along the street. He'd parked his car when his hands had become too shaky to drive. He'd hoped that when he moved out he'd be able to let Casey go. Only seeing her every few days to "trade-off" their daughter. That killed him. That their little girl had to live in a broken family because he was an assanign fool who couldn't say something that he knew he felt. He didn't understand his reasoning from when he was sixteen, all he could think of was why he couldn't say it now. Two years later and he still wasn't sure he could say it.

"Spare a dolla?" An old woman said to Derek. Her clothes were moth eaten, a red and green smok that covered her poor frame, obvious of hunger. Derek smiled sweetly at the old woman who had no where to go.

"I can do better than that, how bout ten for lunch?" Derek asked, handing the woman a ten dollar bill. The woman smiled at Derek with thanks that was masked by greediness as she hissed at anyone that passed her on her way to the market for food, any food. Derek sighed to himself. One good deed had meant the world to someone else. He liked helping people. He just wished he could help himself. He had no idea that he would be able to in a short time.

-I just dont' understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes, tell me everything is wonderful now.-

Casey saw Derek walking. How was it possible that she'd driven into Jersey without knowing it? It wasn't like it wasn't an obvious huge bridge she had to cross in order to get to it. She giggled at herself for a moment, wondering what it was that made her do it. She watched his athletic frame sitting on the back of a bench, his head in his hands. Taking all her strength she reached for the car door handle and got out of the car, slamming the door shut and locking it. Derek didn't look up once. Simply stayed where he was,lost in his own thoughts that had been secretly consuming him for two years.

-Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.-

"Derek..." She said slowly, the first time in two years that she'd uttered anything to him. He looked up, choked back tears in his eyes and he stared. He stared at the girl in front of him. The girl he had so much to say to that he couldn't. She smiled at him and sat on the bench as well.

"Casey..." He said her name slowly, fearing she might jump up and run away.

"Long time..." She said, nodding, she had no idea how she was going to carry a conversation with this man. No idea at all.

"I'll say." He said simply, blowing on his hands for no reason other than a distraction. The park had emptied as the sun hid itself, it's warmth remaining.

"Hows your new place?" She asked cautiously, she had no idea how long they could talk before he'd look at her with that grim it's-over look his eyes again and leave. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, it was down. He loved it down.

"Nice, Trace will like it." He said, staring at his hands.His worn workers hands before he looked back up at her, her blue eyes so captivating. So full of pain that was visible only to someone who cared. Or to someone who felt it as well. No one in his school had noticed it. He'd made few friends in his school and the few he had had been little comfort in his little Casey world. No one really cared that he'd been an idiot. No one noticed it was ripping him apart simply sitting by her.

-I got to school and I run and play, I tell the kids that it's all okay. I laugh aloud so my friends won't know, when the bell rings I just don't wanna go home.-

Derek could feel the words on the tip of his tongue, the things he had to say. Then she stood up and he knew it wasn't the time nor the place to say something that they both needed to be said. He sighed and brushed some tears away, knowing it wasn't time yet. That nothing was wonderful yet.

"I'll um, I hope you're doing ok." She said, taking his hand and pulling him up,feeling the electricity shoot through them. She jerked her hand back faster than she meant to.

"I...I am..." He said slowly, not meaning a word of it. But he knew she needed comfort. So before he could stop himself he'd wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. A comforting hug they both needed to start their new lives. A comforting hug for them both. She hugged back. And then they seperated, not another word. But another thing linking them with each other,because they'd left their hearts with each other once again. Never knowing what was to come so soon in their lives. That everything was going to end up wonderful.

Derek went home and sat on his floor, his arms on his knees, his head against the wall in his apartment...alone. Casey sat on her bed, the photo near her, a pillow with her arms wrapped around her. Both burning from that hug.

-Go to my room and I close my eyes, I make believe that I have a new life, I don't believe you when you say everything will be wonderful someday-

The airport was crowded as Tracie jumped into her mother's arms squealing. Casey wrapped her arms around her daughter, the comfort of knowing she was safe and back with her was the best feeling in the world. Her heart burst with love for the little girl that had no idea how heartbroken her parents really her.

"Thanks mom," Casey said kissing her mom on the cheek, giving her a one armed hug as her other had held Tracie's. "You sure you won't stay the night and catch a flight home tomorrow?" Casey asked Nora, her mother smiled and brushed a strand from her daughters face, cupping it in her hand.

"Baby, you're on your own now. I'm going home to my family. You take care of..." She eyed the little girl a bit and then the small bracelet that Derek had given Casey, the bracelet that was on Tracie's wrist at her begging her mother. Casey saw her mother's eyes twinkle. "Your family...and mend it too okay?" She said to Casey before kissing her on the cheek and forhead. "I'll call you when I'm home." Casey nodded and choked back tears as her mother turned around and headed through security towards her home. Casey looked at her little girl and turned around. Back to her new life. Without Derek.

Derek sighed a little and rubbed his thumb into his palm, attempting to find some comfort in the small gesture. He needed an escape. Casey would be there anytime now. It'd been a few weeks since they'd hugged. Tracie was settled. They were all settled into their little grooves, and now Derek had made a decisions. A decision to make it happen. To make it happen when he thought he never would. He could say it now. But the question was, would she listen to it?

-Promises mean everything when you're little, and the world so big, I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes when you tell me everything is wonderful now.-

tbc