Title: Hero
Rating: K+
Character: Seifer
Summary: Seifer is looking for something.
Notes: For the themes 'struggle within' and 'dreams' at the Fated Children LiveJournal community.


I feel like I'm looking for something. I don't know what I'm looking for, and I don't know where to start looking for whatever-the-hell it is, but I just know that I'm looking for it, in everything I do and everything I say and everywhere I go. I feel like what I do leads me toward it, pushes me further away at the same time, forces me into a corner and leaves me staring, wide-eyed and terrified, at this big black nothingness. And I know that in that big black nothingness, there's that thing that I'm looking for, but I'm too damned scared and too damned ignorant to reach in and take it out for myself. So I end up staring at it and staring at it, all the while knowing that there's something in there for me but not knowing how I'm supposed to go about getting it out, and in the end, I just turn tail and bolt out of there, run away like a scared dog and put as much distance between that black nothingness and me as I can. I feel like I'm always running away from something, always running toward something, and I know that the something I'm running from is the something I'm running toward, but I can't bring myself to face it, and it just sits back there, thick and dark and menacing and promising, chasing after me, hot on my heels, and I'm chasing after it, caught in the dust.

Everything I do and say digs me deeper into this hole that I've set up for myself. I already have a head-start-running-jump-leap into the hole, and it's laughing at me, waiting to eat me up when I go in.

I don't know what I want to do.

I don't belong here. This place just isn't for me any more – it kicked me out a long time ago, when it found out that I didn't agree and that there were some things that couldn't be shoved deep into my head, that I wasn't going to listen to every single bullshit explanation and word and lie that they wanted to feed me. I don't know where I belong other than here, though – that's the sad part to it. I want to go some place far away from here, by myself, drop off the rest of the world behind and just charge on forward to make some kind of living for myself, because I want them all to know who I am, to hear my name and to say "hey, have you heard about how-" and be able to recite all they know about me with fear and admiration and love laced in their voices and painted on their faces.

I want to see the world laid out for me better than any map ever could lay it out. I want to write my own map. I want to make my own rules. See my own sights. Live my own life. Build my own monuments and lie out my own truths and find my own 'meaning to life.'

I want to be an explorer. I want to be an inventor, a renovator; a poet and a writer and a musician and a lover and a dreamer. A fighter.

A warrior.

A hero.