Secret Confessions

Disclaimer for all chapters: If you recognize it, I probably don't own it, and it belongs to J.K. Rowling.

July 21st, 1997

Fred and George invented something new today. I forget what they called it. Smashing hats or something. Too happy for my liking. Sometimes I can't help but feel bitter, and rather selfish. If I can't be happy, then no one can. Well... maybe they can. I don't know, actually, Diary. This war is confusing me.

-G.W.

July 22nd, 1997

They paraded around the house in their hats today. I envy them for their resilience. It seems like nothing can get them down. I wish I could be like that, but my happiness seems to depend on him. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be blaming all this on him, butother timesI just can't help myself, and it feels good to place the blame on some one else's shoulders. I think I should be ashamed of myself.

-G.W.

July 23rd, 1997

I heard Fred, George, and Ron talking again today. Hermione was there too. They were discussing ways to go pick Harry up. They said they were going to get him on the 29th. Six more days until he gets here. Six more days until I get to see him again. I feel happy about it, but I also feel unbearably miserable. Somehow, I know that things won't be the same with us, at least not at first. We won't be a couple anymore. That means no kissing in closets, or just snuggling up on the couch together. I know I'll miss it terribly. I already do. Oh Diary, I wish things could go back to how they were. I wish I could just spend all my time in his arms. I can smell his hair now, Diary. I can feel his lips on mine. It makes me sad, thinking that I won't be able to bury my face in his hair, or kiss himfor a long time. Its not always about the snogging in closets, or the fancy dates... what I really miss the most is the simple things: the hugs, the occasional kiss, the cuddling...the comfort ofthe knowledgethat he's there for me... I know he still is, Diary, even though we're not a couple anymore... but its just not the same. I miss him, Diary.

-G.W.

July 24th, 1997

I found a picture of us, Diary. We looked so happy and perfect together. We were sitting by the lake at Hogwarts, him with his arm around me. I looked so carefree. He didn't. I don't think he ever really looked carefree. He doesn't deserve all the grief life gives him; he's such a great person. He's kind, caring, loving, brave... I could go on forever. The world doesn't see him that way though. They all just see him as a tool in the war. When they wanted to deny Voldemort's return, they used Harry, calling him insane and mentally unstable. But when they need a hero, he becomes their hero; the "chosen one". I want to help him. I know I could. But I don't think he'll let me, Diary.

-G.W.

July 25th 1997

Four more days, Diary. It's going to be hard. I know I will want to smother him in kisses, hug him until his bones break, snog him senseless... but I can't. Only couples can do that. Only his girlfriend has a right to do that... and I'm not his girlfriend anymore. It hurts me to think that. It's like a cruel knife, stabbing at my heart. It doesn't just kill me at once. It pokes me.. Trailing the sharp metal across, taunting me. That love is out of reach, but only just. He will be standing there, only a few metres away from me, and yet I won't be able to do anything. Its incredibly frustrating, Diary.

-G.W.

July 26th, 1997

Even Mum and Dad have to rub it in. I know they don't do it on purpose, but they still do it. I saw them cuddling on the couch. Why, Diary? Why everyone but me in love?

-G.W.

July 27th, 1997

That statement wasn't true. I knew it wasn't true yesterday, and I know it isn't true today. I'm in love too. I know I won't be able to get over it. The thing is Diary, that everyone else has someone to love them back.

-G.W.

July 28th, 1997

He's coming tomorrow, Diary. I haven't left my room today. I don't think I can bear watching everyone else talk of him coming, and what we're going to do when he gets here. I heard Fred and George going up the stairs with Ron. Ron mentioned Harry's birthday. I heard Mum talking to Dad about how thin he is, and how the Dursley's probably weren't' feeding him properly... and this was only the things I heard through my door. I don't want to even think about all the things I'll hear if I go out. I want to forget him. I want to forget the empty feeling inside me. I want to forget the longing I feel for him. But at the same time I don't want to forget him at all. I long just to be near him, even if we aren't going to be that close. I want to see him, maybe talk to him. Am I confusing you, Diary? It is rather confusing. But I understand it, even if no one else does. Love is a strange, thing, Diary. You can need it, and need it gone at the same time. You can love it and hate it. Its like a whole bunch of emotions tied into one. I love it and hate it. I need it, and need it gone. Too many problems, and not enough solutions, Diary. When did my life get so complicated?

-G.W.

AN: how was that? Crappy? Good? PLEASE REVIEW!