It was possibly the crowning point of my life, that day. The asylum was finished! My creation, which I had worked on for so very long, was finally ready. The grand opening was at hand! As I stood outside the doors, with Tuku at my side, I could feel the anticipation welling up within me. An excitement I had never known, a happiness which came only once in a lifetime. Those were the feelings that raced through me as I waited and watched. The crowd began to form around the doors, swelling and overflowing down the long path from the main street to my beloved building.
And at the very moment the ribbon was cut, my fate was sealed. I was now the owner of some grand creation, some building whose presence was enough to calm the very nerves of many a creature. For the sake of the nerves of these very ones before me, I was putting myself on the line, placing my sanity in the hands of my home- this large, white building, which would soon be filled with many different stories and walks of life.
Putting my very life in the hands of those poor souls who desperately needed help…
As the hours ebbed on, however, people began to draw away from my creation. Fewer and fewer people came in, until eventually, nobody- not even Tuku- remained at my side. I was alone in a world I had created, a world I believed would make such a difference. The climax of my life. My greatest achievement. I'd bet you anything that master and those slave drivers at the circus had never thought such a 'snivelling cur' as I could ever accomplish such a task. But I had, and I had fulfilled it before I had even hit twenty years of age.
Yet, now as I sat here, lost in the vastness of the lobby, I realized just how maddening an institute this really was; the white walls looming about me, with the shadows cast from overhead lights dancing about the walls, the silence so overwhelming that one counted on the ticking of the clock for reassurance that all was not lost. The very thought came to me as a surprise. Yet, I welcomed it with open arms. For this was my sanctuary, my sanctum. I was safe here from staring eyes and laughing drunkards. Here, I was safe. Where was here? A building I had created from the depths of my own imagination.
And I was proud of myself for the first time in my life.
It was pretty late when Jamais arrived. I hadn't been expecting her. Ever. In fact, I had nearly forgotten her, really, and hadn't planned on seeing her again in this lifetime. Only one act of kindness had she ever shown me- and even that act of kindness led to unimaginable pain. It was the only memory I ever had of her, though this new turn events would prove to create many, many more.
I had been asked to steal. I had to steal for Sano, my beloved father. He couldn't very well earn the money to buy my freedom alone. So, Father had taught me a trick which Master would have greatly approved of should the results have been beneficial to him. I became a thief, a pick-pocket. During the busy days, as crowds lined up at tents to see my more-fortunate peers at work, I would sneak by without a sound and grab whatever I could from the unsuspecting guests. I kept not a penny. In fact, every single cent I made was deposited very neatly into a hollow tree just within the circus grounds. Every night, Sano would retrieve my findings. Eventually, he hoped to have enough to free me.
I wasn't always going to be so lucky, however, and tragedy was sure to strike soon. And it couldn't have picked a better night to happen.
It was late at night. So late that the tent in which I lived was pitch black. Blacker than black, I should say. The gray clouds gathered in the night air, joining together into a massive cloud which turned the sky into naught but a sea of empty, vast despair. The clouds spoke to one each other in profanities so horrible, that one such as myself could only hear the crashes, which were held within their syllables. Rain poured from the heavens in large drops; drops which splashed violently into the dirt of the grounds and transformed it magically into a giant mud-pie of sorts. Lightning was all I had to light my way.
Naturally, I wouldn't have been out on a night like this. I would rather be curled up in the back of my cage, huddling my body into a tiny ball as to protect myself from the chilling breeze, which raced through the hollow old trees. However, when the lightning crashed just a tad too close too my tent, a fear much like that I had felt when I first felt the whip against my back came upon me. Without a single second of hesitation, I thrust my claw into the keyhole and listened for the valuable click of iron. The door swung open, and I was again free.
Where to go, I did not know. All I knew was I had to find someplace safe, safer than the iron bars of my cage, the cold, dark tent which scared me so on such stormy nights. The water drenched my fur as I ran about, searching, looking. And that's when I saw it. A shimmering glitter of golden coins, piled one atop the other on a table just inside a nearby tent. Had I taken the time to think about what that tent meant for me, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did. Yet, soundlessly, I pulled myself into it, climbing carefully up into an old wooden chair, and, one by one, piling the coins into my shirt and pants.
The deep, heavy breathing of my master didn't strike an ounce of fear in my tiny frame. I was already numb from my experience with the lightning just seconds before. Yet, a new sense of hope filled me, flowing over inside of me as I looked at those gold coins. There was surely enough to buy my freedom now. Pawing my way to the tree, I dropped the coins, again, one by one, into it's hollow center, and then, satisfied with such a well-committed crime, hobbled back to my cage. That night, I had the most peaceful sleep I had had since I first met Sano. Even the howling wind outside couldn't steal that overwhelming peace from me.
The next morning, I woke to a hand around my neck, lifting me and shaking me in midair. It was Master, a scowl on his face so hateful, so angry that I, for a moment, mistook him for a stranger. His long, brown hair was dripping wet, falling in darkened locks about his smooth, clear face. His eyes, however, held no shine. They lacked both the drunken film of usual-which showed me for the first time, a dreary gray color beneath- as well as the sneering, sly presence which always hid beneath them. No, instead, his eyes seemed hateful and dark, looming with absolute loathing. And his voice, deepened and hoarse due to strain, threw forth profanities worse than I had ever been able to bear. "YOU CANNIVING LITTLE BRAT!" He suddenly growled, teeth clenched together so hard that I thought his bones should've broken. "YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE THIEF!" I froze. Thief? Uh-oh. "After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me?" With that, he shook a bag full of gold coins in front of my face before sending me skidding across the mud and into a wooden support beam.
Master began to pace, back and forth, back and forth. His thick snakeskin boots left deep imprints in the mud, each pace creating a bigger gash in the earth. Finally, after turning his knuckles white from pressure, he relaxed. A change came over him quite suddenly. A smirk even came across his face. "…Very well then, you little coward…" he laughed, kicking me in the side with one pointed boot, "…You want to steal? Go steal from somebody else. You aren't welcome here anymore." And with those words, I was thrown out, face first, into the cold, gloomy daylight.
I didn't turn back. This was my opportunity for change! I could make something of myself, still! I was free! Free from the whip and the torment of such beings. Free from such prejudice and pride. I was on my own.
Freedom felt so good.
Yet, that freedom would fall away fast. Soon after wandering from the lands I knew so well, a thick, musty fog set in. It wasn't just one of those light fogs that sprinkle the land with dew. No. It was a warm, dense fog, which nearly pulled the air from my lungs as I walked through it. Not to mention extremely humid, causing every matted clump of fur on my body to stick to my scarred skin and grow heavy with sweat.
Near high noon had to have been the worst, though, as the heat swelled up around me and left me thirsty and tired. Though the fog cleared up, I had been walking non-stop for quite some time now. My muscles hurt. My stomach snarled. I practically had to drag myself across the rocky earth beneath, forcing my already aching muscles on.
Deep within me, I knew I needed to find shelter from the heat soon. Time and temperature were my enemies at that point. And it seemed I had no friends.
Yet, just as I began to loose hope, just as I began to believe that this was the end of me- I saw in the distance a pool of water. So clear and crisp it seemed, so cold and refreshing. Pushing all thoughts of doom and gloom aside, I took off in the direction of that beautiful pond. I no longer felt the pain in my arms and legs; I no longer felt the pangs of hunger and thirst, which tore through my body like a knife through air; rather, all I felt was overwhelming joy and hope. I was going to make it! I was going to survive!
All on my own!
But my hopes and dreams shattered just as quickly as they had formed. It seemed that no matter how fast and far I ran, the pond just kept growing further and further away. All those doubts and fears came crawling back, and I accepted them with an open mind. For a few moments, I battled within myself; the hope, the fears, the doubts, and the will to continue. The thoughts clashed and a struggle pursued.
And then I fell face down in the dirt.
An overwhelming tiredness had come so suddenly over me like a warm blanket on a cold day. I began, suddenly, to feel the ache of my muscles. Well, I felt their ache until they went numb. That's when I had tripped and fell face down on the earth. I lay there, motionless, my breathing heavy; but I could not feel the hard earth. I could not feel the tingling in my legs and feet, the pangs of hurt within my bosom. I was floating in space. There was no gravity. There was no time, no weight, no feeling. It was just a vast, empty expanse in which I floated. So dark. So empty. So alone.
Thus were my feelings as I fell into an uncontrollable slumber, a deep black void which could have been the very boundaries of time and space.
I awoke late that night to somebody shaking me hard, pressing up against my shoulder and shoving violently over and over and over. "Wake up! Hey, kid! GET UP!" Said a voice, a voice which seemed so familiar… and yet so different. I looked up and nearly ran away in terror at what I saw. There, standing before me stood a three-headed beast with 6 arms and legs! It was moving in dizzying patterns, around and around my head. But within a few moments, the picture before me grew less fuzzy and the image finally became that which it truly was. Before me stood one whom I would later come to consider a dear friend. Her deep gray fur almost blended in with the shadows of the night, but was brought out against the dark blue-black background of the sky by the neon red highlights in her black hair. She wore rather normal clothing, much as I had seen some teenage tourists wear during my time in the circus. I wish I had clothes like that to wear. Rather, I had grown into my red and yellow gypsy pants, and had been given a rather interesting top. Instead of the normal, baggy yellow and red clown outfits I had been used too, I now had a rather normal-looking top, save for the fact that it was little more than rags. It had been, in fact, stitched together for me by the lion-tamer, who had taken pieces of some of her old clothes and put them together into a shirt that, for once, fit me perfectly. The outfit, of course, was still quite ugly- moreso, now, as it didn't match. My pants remained yellow and red, baggy and somewhat transparent, but the top was a mixture of earthy browns and pale whites. Many would say it still matched, however, as both were covered on every thread by mud and dirt and stains of every sort. On the bright side, at least it no longer fell down at random intervals throughout the day.
I reckon I must have been about 12 when I first met her. I was still too young to take care of myself, but old enough to do most everything else. That would have made Jamais about 16. Truth of the matter is, she wasn't quite an adult yet herself.
"Hey, kid! Come on, you have to get up now!" She moaned, tugging at the threads of my shirt. No matter how much she urged, however, I couldn't bring myself to get up just yet. Rather, I lay there, taking in my surroundings. Where was I, and how had I gotten here? For the first few moments, I didn't exactly remember the events of that morning. I had expected myself to be locked up tight in a cage for the night, to wake up in a yellow and white tent with a large wooden board above me. Yet, here I was in the middle of nowhere, staring up at some mysterious stranger who seemed to have come from the sky herself. "I SAID GET UP!" She screeched, clenching her teeth together in frustration. I could almost sense the anger in her eyes behind those black sunglasses. All at once, the knowledge I had been searching for raced back and I found myself standing upon two paws again, dusting myself off.
"Y'know, you're lucky I'm in a good mood tonight. I don't normally stop and pick up dirty, disgusting children from the mud." She ranted on. "Now, who are you and where are you…" She paused suddenly, an expression of sheer horror coming over her face. As if she had just seen some sort of ghost, I watched her lower her glasses to gaze at me with big, silver eyes. Yet, a soft gasp was all the noise she made. After a few moments of this rather awkward position, she replaced her glasses and grabbed my hand. "Come on Jisei, I think we should get you back to that stupid circus." There was a pain in her voice which I had not expected, a strain, a resistance. And then it hit me.
She had said my name.
"H-How do you know my name?" I said, struggling against her for a moment to keep her from dragging me off. It was a useless cause, however, for she just dragged me on behind her by the wrist. "…Uh… well, let's just say a lot of people visit the circus, alright?" That was her answer. Though I persisted, trying to drag more information for her cold, icy grasp, it was useless. I could not penetrating her into offering anything she didn't want to answer.
So many questions formed in my mind. I wanted to know why she was taking me back. I wanted to know how she had really learned my name. I hadn't yet had to perform in front of the multitudes. In fact, very few visitors had seen me. Who, then, was this? And how did she know my name? Yet, those questions were not to be asked. They were a boundary I could not let myself cross just yet. This stranger who seemed so familiar…
"Have we met?" I finally asked, unable to control it anymore. I was sure I'd regret the question. She stopped for a moment, offering only an icy glare- which I could feel, even from behind those glasses of hers- and allowed her mouth to twist into a rather obnoxious grimace. "Ha. Maybe in a past life, sweety." She spoke, sarcasm dripping from her every word. "This life has been dull, but up until now, I've never stooped so low as to talk to a child such as yourself." The words stung, but she had said she was in a good mood.
I think, then, that I had to have been more grateful than hurt.
"Oh."
"Y'know what, I don't even know why I'm bothering to take you back to that miserable place…"
"Then why are you?" I interrupted.
"…Life outside, hun. It's much worse." Was her reply.
"I don't think it is."
"Then you've never lived it!"
"….No, I guess I haven't."
"Then shut up about it, will ya? You'll be safer there anyways! What else do you want me to do? I mean, I could just leave your worthless carcass out here to rot away and feed the vultures, if you'd rather. You didn't look as if you were doing too well on your own!"
"No! Please!" I cringed at that morbid thought, clinging to her arm.
We walked the rest of the way in silence. It took us only a few hours to get back to those familiar tents; the same tents which brought joy to most other children, but brought only a sense of loathing to me. Yet, we never slowed down until we were standing in front of the tent belonging to Master. My companion, however, wasted no time in offering a sharp knock on the hollowed-out door belonging to said tent.
"…What's your name, anyways?" I asked, while I waited for my master to answer. The answer was brief. She hadn't even cast a glance at me (which may have been a good thing, in such a case) before throwing out a rather empty, indifferent response. "…Eh, not that it matters but… Jamais. My name is Jamais."
At that exact instant, the door flung open. In it's place stood the Ringmaster, my master. He was in his usual garb- consisting of a red button-up jacket with black buttons and cuffs, black pants, a black undershirt, and black gloves. His red and black top-hat laid upside-down on a table in the corner of his room, and as he addressed Jam, he peeled away his gloves. "Well, what do we have here?" He allowed his smug, sly grin to work it's ways over his handsome features, his eyes scanning Jamais' frame for a minute. I had always had a feeling that Master was a decent person deep inside, under that hateful exterior he showed me… but now I doubted it. That hungry look in his eyes revealed more to me than it should have. "Come to entertain me after a hard day's work?" He smacked the leather whip in his left hand against the palm of his now-ungloved right hand before setting it down upon a barrel nearby. At this point, he leaned against the door and folded his arms together, putting on quite a playful grin.
I was still young. I had no clue what was happening. All I knew was that Master was looking to bring out the worst in a good situation.
Jamais looked surprised, disgusted. "What kind of girl do you think I am, you filthy hog!" she screeched. I had to hold back a chuckle. Master's brow furrowed at such a response. I had never seen anybody respond to anything Master said like that. Normally, they smiled sweetly and then closed the door behind them. Now, however, he stood upright, back straightened. He was a tall man, though not nearly so tall as Sano, and standing at such a height could make most girls cringe. Jam, however, merely stood her ground, leaning forward on the door to a point where she met him nose to nose. "I brought your dog back." She muttered, nodding her head in my direction. With that, she stormed away, but not before throwing her arms up. Such a motion moved her sleeves from her thin shoulders and for an instant, I could almost make out an odd, crimson shape beneath. An ankh.
No. Couldn't have been. It was just my mind at play again.
I watched her form fade into nothing, dissipating into the distance, becoming like a star, then an ant, and then nothing. Master must have felt the same grudging disappointment I felt, for he said nothing for a moment, but stared on with gray eyes after her. Once she had vanished, however, he scratched his head and approached me, becoming the hardened villain I knew before. "…So, you came back did you?" He laughed. "Figured you would. Can't survive out on your own just yet, now can ya?" He leaned over, staring me straight in the eyes. One finger caressed the spot just above my nose, and I pulled back visibly.
"Very well then, if you've nowhere else to go, I guess I can let you stay here." He leaned up against the tent again, playing with a fingernail as he eyed me warily. "…For a price."
All I could do was agree. What other choice did I have? I could always go feed myself to the vultures, I guess. But somehow, this seemed a much better idea. No matter how gruesome it turned out to be, it had to be a better fate than that.
But my mind, though I responded and listened, was elsewhere. Who was this 'Jamais', truly, and why did she seem so familiar? Why did she stop to help me when she clearly hated children? And why had she left me here?
That was the last time I had ever planned on seeing her. After a few weeks, I grew much to busy to think about her. She eventually vanished fully from my mind. And it was only when I was safe and secure, alone in my asylum did this memory come flooding back.
How ironic it is, how life works out sometimes. For as I thought of her, so she appeared, sneaking up behind me and nearly giving me a heart attack. "BOO!" She had screamed, tapping me on the shoulder. I turned to face a slightly older, yet much different her than I remember, her smile wide and bright. Her hair and clothes no longer consisted of blacks and reds, but now held a variety of colors- yellow, blue, purple, orange, etc. For a moment, I didn't recognize her. Perchance, I thought to myself, this was actually my first patient? The realization struck me only when I turned to grab some of those fresh new application forms I had arranged so neatly beneath the desk.
"Jamais?" I asked, eyeing her for a moment. "Oh my… Jam? Is that really you?" She smiled, reaching out and pulling me into a rather awkward embrace. Awkward, yes, but nothing could have seemed more proper for that moment than an embrace.
An embrace between two old friends.
