Title: I Feel Like A Woman
Author: Kamquat Banana
Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)
A/N: Ta-da! It's the next chapter! Eep sorry for shortness; if I make it any longer I won't be able to update today, for we're getting carpet installed today and thus my internet is DOWN! –Gasp!- But, being the kind authoress I am, I am posting this right now while I still have the chance. I am also shocked and delighted with the feedback I received! People like it! Thanks to Adaia Swordmaiden (Yay! -Plot bunny frolics happily-), TrunkZy (I'm glad the day was improved! Ohhh I have big plans for little Arty…), Emilaline Faith (Hurrah, thanks!), Cricket-Mac-Wocky (I'm honored!), athleticsrulz (Thanks very much!) and Loki's Ragnarok (Sorry for the long update time! Thanks!). And now presenting… Arty goes to school!
DISCLAIMER: Do I look like Eoin Colfer? Well, I'm not. And therefore, I do not own them. Yet… -evil cackling-
Angelina Fowl blinked in surprise as her daughter slumped down to the kitchen table, dressed only in a pair of faded gray boxers and an oversized t-shirt. "Arty? Are you… um… ready for school, honey?"
Cursing herself mentally, Artemis remembered that it was, in fact, Monday. A well-known school day. As if today hadn't been upsetting enough, now she would have to face her schoolmates… like this?
Wait a second. Artemis couldn't exactly attend St. Bartleby's School For Young Gentlemen in her present condition, could she? Which only left…
The girl genius shuddered in distaste. That horrendous public school, Werthington High. It was largely known as one of the worst schools around, what with the drug problem and steady number of dropouts. Surely the Fowls would not allow their child to be educated at such a place?
"Come on Arty, chop chop!" Artemis Senior pronounced cheerfully, striding into the kitchen with a mug of hot coffee. "Don't want to be late for your first day at Werthington, do you?"
Artemis groaned. The world was truly against her.
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Clothing provided a slight problem for the teenager. Gone from the vast wardrobe were the familiar rows of St. Bartleby's pants and vests, and in their place were a most peculiar assortment of brightly coloured tees, tanks, sweaters, skirts, capris… You name it. But while Artemis appeared to the world a normal fourteen-year-old girl, fashion-wise she was hopeless. You can't go wrong with an Armani suit; but you can sure as hell mess up layering your shirts.
Tentatively, awkwardly, the girl sifted through the neatly folded stack of undergarments. Taking a deep breath, she dashed out of her sleepwear and into the frilly white things. If I don't think about it, it'll be okay, she reminded herself, reluctantly opening her eyes but refusing to look downwards.
Well. This was rather uncomfortable.
I've deciphered an entire language and history of a people to use against them in return for pounds of gold; surely I can make some sense of these alien garments, the Irish youth thought reassuringly, picking items from the colorful selection at random.
Orange tank top… fuzzy pink sweater… black sequin miniskirt… green polka dot rain boots… and voila! An original look for back-to-school!
The young millionaire eyed herself appraisingly in the mirror. Well, it was too late to change now. Quickly running her fingers through her somewhat disheveled hair, the teen gave herself one last glance in the mirror before rushing downstairs again, and off to school.
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Foaly was doubled back with laughter as he watched the young Fowl sift through his changed wardrobe with growing apprehension.
"Holly, tell me you didn't…"
The elf merely grinned back evilly, the glint in her eye telling Foaly all he needed to know.
"I took the liberty of updating his wardrobe somewhat. It wouldn't do for a lady to be seen in a St. Bartleby's uniform, after all. And I may have… um… spiced things up a bit, clothes-wise. What can I say?" Holly replied innocently, clicking off the TV that was now broadcasting Artemis hurriedly undressing.
Chix Verbil, sprite and general annoyance, frowned. "Why'd you turn it off? It was just getting good!" A quick slap from Miss Short erased his cheeky grin quickly enough.
"Pervert!"
"Hey! Its just Artemis…" Chix muttered, wondering if it was morally wrong to check out the former boy who had been The People's numero uno enemy until recently. Probably.
Foaly interrupted impatiently. "Turn it back on now, Holly! I'm sure are favorite mud girl is all dressed now, and I, for one, do not want to miss whatever's coming next…"
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Artemis sat unnaturally still in the back of the Bentley, staring straight out the window at her future school. Most people fidget when they're nervous. Artemis Fowl froze.
Teenagers cluttered the parking lot and entranceway to Werthington, talking, laughing, shouting and lighting up. Artemis could already see the cliques being formed. A group of loud, brawling jocks yelled obscenities to each other by the doorway. The peroxide blondes with their matching handbags sashayed over to them, swaying their hips in a suggestive manner but staying out of reach. A crowd of frightened looking freshman huddled by the entrance, silently comparing timetables and staying out of the way. Over in the nearby field a pack of stoners 'inconspicuously' smoked a few, before a stern looking teacher came over and waved his arms for several minutes, before dejectedly walking away to the laughs of the druggies. A few weird kids with multi-coloured hair and strange keychain obsessions rested beneath a tree, comparing lunchbox stickers. Obvious outcasts. Then there were just the plain scary gothic kids sitting against the wall, staring at everyone with a bored expression on their faces. And finally, the normal ones. The sort that fade into the background, with their plain backpacks and small group of quiet, ordinary friends, wandering amongst the stereotypes calmly and efficiently.
Artemis would have found it all fascinating, if not for the fact that in approximately one minute she would have to leave the safety of the car to venture into this dangerous territory, armed only with a complex knowledge of several ancient languages.
In other words, she was doomed.
"Are you ready, Artemis?" Butler calmly inquired from the driver's seat.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Artemis muttered darkly.
"Let's go, Arty!" Juliet yelled energetically, bouncing out of the car and dragging the younger, more reluctant girl along.
"Have fun you two," Butler said with a wink, before driving away and leaving the two girls alone with a mob of unknown teenagers. Artemis gulped. She could do this… She would just have to try to fit in…
Right. Because it's so easy to fit in when you have your own bodyguard.
A/N: Wheeee! –Dances in random sugar induced madness. – Next chappie Arty goes to his first class and makes an interesting new friend… Please let me know how YOU would like to see her tortured and I will try to make it happen… I'll do my best to update soon!
