Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Yay! Thankies to Adaia Swordmaiden (Do share those thoughts! –grins evilly- Poor Arty…), TrunkZy (I cannot promise anything… But I'll try to avoid bashing Chix whilst cheesily marrying Artemis to a Mary-Sue. Lol), adragonstears (So you want more, huh? Well you got it!) and Scottish Ninja (I'd like to thank the academy for my "Disturbed Laugh Award"; I couldn't have done it without my family, their oddness has passed on to me…). And now… Artemis' first class!

DISCLAIMER: -Sigh- Okays, okays, I have on right to these characters. I just enjoy playing with their emotions; don't sue me!

Artemis hastily checked her timetable. First period… English Honors. Well, at least who ever had sorted out her timetable had put her in the right classes.

She cursed as she realized the room was at the other end of the school. Why did they place these rooms so far apart and still expect you to make it between them in five minutes? Racing down the hall, she heard a few sniggers and "check out the freak!" all aimed in her direction. This did not bode well.

Finally she found Room 345, a small classroom wedged between a row of lockers and the wall. Noting that there were 5 seconds until the final bell, Artemis launched herself at the door, tumbling into the classroom in a flurry of sequined-polka-dot-madness. The class snickered.

Straightening in what she hoped was a dignified manner; Artemis proceeded to walk haughtily down the aisles, searching for a seat.

Damnit… Everyone else had gotten here early, and there was only one seat available, right at the front of the class. Shrugging, Artemis pulled up a chair as Juliet took her place at the back of the room, quietly watching. She attempted to ignore the curious glares surrounding her. Who was this rubber-boot-wearing weirdo with the silent servant?

The bell rang, signaling that everyone should be present and seated. Ms. Brettany, their teacher for the semester, stood and proceeded to outline the day's work. She was slightly plump, with short-cropped hair and no-nonsense spectacles, and seemed to hold the class under her spell. After giving the instructions, she turned to Artemis.

"Class, today we welcome our newest student, Artemis Fowl II. I trust you will make her feel welcome?"

The class clapped in a bored fashion, looking not at all welcoming. Artemis gulped and sunk lower in her chair, wanting to quietly disappear.

Just then, a small, blonde girl with outrageous pink streaks dashed in, glanced at the clock and swore.

"I'm sorry Ms. Brettany, I set my alarm this morning but my cat, who was just neutered, jumped up because he's getting pretty antsy, and he knocked the alarm and-"

Ms. Brettany cut her off with a tired wave of the arm, looking as though she heard this all the time.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Spenton. Please, take a seat so we may continue class."

The girl looked around the full classroom nervously, her eyes coming to rest on Artemis. She looked quite worried, and began trailing slowly towards the stacks of chairs, her eyes still on the raven-haired girl.

Flushing, Artemis realized she was probably sitting in the girl's usual spot. But there wasn't anywhere else to move, and Artemis was unsure she could get up once more in front of her classmates. Oh, the embarrassment…

She was snapped out of her reverie by the strange girl drawing up a chair and plopping down next to her, desk or no desk.

"You're new, aren't you?" she whispered to Artemis, who nodded nervously. She may be a girl on the outside, but inside she was still the same petrified Artemis, who had never been in such close contact with a girl her own age EVER before and was starting to sweat as she leaned over, smiling, to whisper, "I'm Naomi. Naomi Spenton. Welcome to Werthington, the crazy school."

Artemis nodded once more. Eventually she found her voice and croaked, "Artemis Fowl. The Second."

Naomi blinked. "Wow. You have a title? That's pretty neat. So who is Artemis Fowl the First? Any plans for a third?"

"No."

Artemis glanced over at her companion. She seemed slightly manic, bouncing up and down in her chair happily as she asked pointless questions about his life and twirled her pink strands of hair nervously. She was dressed in oversize workmen's boots, a pink plaid skirt with a few sewn on buttons, knee-high striped socks and a t-shirt featuring a rabid cat with the words "Psycho Kitty" written underneath. Well. The girl genius' outfit seemed quite ordinary in comparison.

Artemis snapped back to attention to hear Naomi whisper excitedly, "-you should come, it'll be a lot of fun!" Trying to look attentive, the raven haired girl nodded and smiled. "Sure."

"Yay!" Naomi cheered, clapping her hands together hyperactively. Artemis blinked. Perhaps she should lower her sugar intake.

Just then Ms. Brettany strode over, trying to look displeased but secretly smiling in amusement. "Girls, I would prefer that you choose to concentrate on the assignment rather then your personal conversations. Please open your textbooks to page forty-five."

Artemis blushed. She'd never been told off by an adult before, let alone a teacher. Well, there was a first time for everything.

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"Hey everyone! This is the new girl, Artemis Fowl II. How cool is that?" Naomi exclaimed happily, dragging the Irish millionaire towards the table.

Artemis blinked at the group of girls seated around the lunch table, eyeing the new student curiously.

The girl on the left with auburn locks and flawless skin smiled warmly. "Hi, I'm Hilary," she announced, unpacking a granola bar and bottled water from her paper bag.

The brunette next to her had blonde highlights and long, dangly earrings, and carried a handbag on one shoulder. "I'm Caitlin," she said shyly.

The vivid redhead on the right paused attacking a passing student with her lunchbox and said nervously, "I'm Liv. But you can call me Fawny." She then resumed beating the blonde haired fellow, who ran away squeaking.

Artemis blinked. Well, Hilary and Caitlin seemed normal enough, but 'Fawny' and Naomi sure weren't.

"I thought Artemis could join us on Friday! What do you think?" Naomi asked the motley group. It seemed judgment had passed, and Artemis was okay. The girls nodded and smiled, motioning for the dark-haired girl to sit.

Artemis looked confused. "Friday? What happens Friday?"

Naomi laughed. "You should know! You already said you would come!"

And so it was that Artemis Fowl, millionaire and girl genius, found herself attending her first-ever sleepover party.

A/N: Can you sense the unavoidable MADNESS? The SENSELESS CHAOS? The IMPENDING DISASTER? One word, my friends: Makeovers. BWAHAHAHA!