Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Okay, so I had no idea, when I started this, where it was going or whether I was going to actually make some sort of serious attempt, or let the madness take control… So I'm leaving it up to you charming readers: Fluff insanity or Fluff plot? YOU DECIDE. Lol. This chapter is just random fun… With Pixie of the Pen as a special guest! YAY! Thanks to all who reviewed: Adaia Swordmaiden (I like the way you think! –whispers evil plans to torture girl genius in ASword's ear-), adragonstears (Have fun at that party! And let me know how it goes, it may give me inspiration for a later chapter…), Pixie of the Pen (Of COURSE you can be in the story! It's getting out that's the hard bit…), Kittels (Yayyyy! –gives Kittels a magical chocolate popsicle-) and boogle (Squee! Thank you! You get… A field of marshmallows!). I wasn't going to continue this story very far but you people have made it such fun I think I shall…

DISCLAIMER: MINE, ALL MINE! –Mean-looking lawyer walks up- I mean… NOT MINE!

"Hold still silly! I keep messing up!"

"I really didn't ask for-"

"Well you're getting one! Now stop moving!"

Artemis sighed and held her foot still while Naomi painted the last stripe of purple sparkly nail polish on the Irish millionaire's baby toe. Finally she stood, a pleased expression on her face as she studied her creation.

"There! All done. Now sit for another few minutes while they dry."

Artemis glanced down at her previously plain feet, now done up in all the colours of the rainbow and twinkling merrily. Sighing, she sat up, taking care not to disturb the wet polish. The things we do for friendship…

There was a weird foreign-sounding pop song blaring out of Naomi's ancient boom box, and the other girls were all dancing wildly while painting each others toes and fingers and cramming their mouths with cheesy snacks.

In other words, your classic sleepover.

Most of the girls were dressed in pajamas by now, generally consisting of oversized plaid bottoms and slogan t-shirts. Naomi sported a pink feather boa, and Fawny was wearing what appeared to be a pair of black wings strapped across her back. They were the ones dancing, mostly, and jumping around hitting things with their lunchboxes, which they had brought for that very purpose. Hilary and Caitlin were sitting on the poster bed, whispering about… something, and giggling a lot. There was also a girl Artemis had never seen before sitting cross-legged on the floor and channel surfing while singing along with the kooky music, nodding her head happily. She was wearing a miniature tiara, which bobbled up and down as she rocked out to the alien noise.

It was all very strange to Artemis, who regarded her surroundings as if she were some sort of behavior analyst studying a tribe of wild monkeys. That's what it felt like to her, at any rate, having never been to any sort of social grouping with people of her own age, let alone an all-girl sleepover.

The strange girl abruptly flicked off the TV and bounced down next to Artemis.

"Hi, I'm Pixie of the Pen," she said amiably, "But you can call me Pixie."

Artemis nodded slowly. She had not yet decided if this was one of the sane people in the group.

"Come on, let's steal their lunchboxes and force them to sit down!" she continued, giggling evilly. Artemis smiled. Perhaps this could be… fun?

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"MAKE-OVERS!"

Artemis was not sure who had cheerfully yelled out, but at once the girls leapt up as one, shouting, "Yeah!" The Fowl heir gulped. Wearing the clothes was one thing, but wearing the make-up was entirely another…

But before she could form some brilliant escape plan, she found herself roughly hauled to the chair in front of Naomi's large, well-lit mirror, and her face being pinched by various people.

"Nice colour…"

"We can work with the eyes…"

"Shame about the eyebrows, though…"

Artemis glared at the maker of this comment. She was a Fowl, and Fowl's did not have flaws, not even… She stopped as she blinked at the mirror. Wow, those eyebrows really were bushy. Perhaps it had been acceptable as a boy, but as a girl it looked rather… prehistoric.

"Right, first thing's first," Hilary said loudly, taking command of the situation, "We'll need a pair of tweezers and some wax. Lots of it."

Artemis watched, mystified, as the girls curried of to get the wax and heat it, preparing strips of cloth. What exactly were they planning to do to her face?

She found out soon enough.

"Owwwwww! D'arvit, don't DO that!"

Caitlin frowned. "D'arvit?"

The dark haired girl blinked, thinking fast. "Yeah. Um… It's my own swear. I don't like to curse, so I make up different words instead of the grossly overused ones."

The others nodded wisely. "I do that too," Naomi whispered confidentially, "Like when I'm really angry, I sometimes say… Holy Schwitznickel!" She blushed, like she had just said something dirty.

Artemis would have been cheered by the success of her little white lie, had the second strip of hot wax not been yanked painfully from her face at that exact moment.

"Arghhhh! Would you cut it out?"

The others laughed, Hilary patting the irate girl's head mockingly. "We must suffer to be beautiful, Arty. Besides, it's not even that bad. I find the tweezing much worse. But you can decide for yourself, once we're done."

The pale youth blanched even further.

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Many hours and some cheesy snacks later, all the girls lay sprawled on the floor, exhausted. The quirky pop had long since been replaced by some heavy metal band that Artemis thought sounded like a dying animal in a thunderstorm, but kept this thought to herself. She'd been waxed, plucked, shaped, exfoliated, moisturized, toned and finally dolled up, and then the procedure had been preformed to every other member of the group. It had been a long and quite educational night for Artemis, although she hoped she would not need the lessons she had learned tonight much longer.

If only she could go back…

And yet, as she found herself lying here with these five cheerful, welcoming girls who had accepted her without a blink of an eye… She felt like she had friends. Not Butler, not her parents, not an underground civilization unknown to humankind; but live, aboveground friends her own age, who went to her school and faced the same sort of problems she did on a daily basis.

Okay, so maybe they never had to worry that their billionaire father had been kidnapped by the Russian mafia and could only be rescued by Fairy people, but then again Artemis was quite different.

But here were these people, ready to like her and include her, and it made Artemis feel… good. Happy. Warm.

"Hey," Naomi whispered from the ground, "Want to know a secret?"

The other girls nodded and propped themselves up on their elbows, always happy to listen to someone's dark inner truths.

"Well, you know how my grandma died recently and all… and my mum's been really upset. But I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel sort of numb, like nothing ever happened. And then I feel guilty, because I should be crying, I mean, this is my grandmother! But I can't."

The others nodded sympathetically and whispered reassurances.

"It's okay," Pixie said quietly.

"You're a good person," Caitlin murmured.

"Your mum's rather bonkers anyway, isn't she?" Fawny said helpfully.

Hilary said knowledgeably, "You're probably still in a state of shock. When someone close to you dies, it's a natural reaction to block out the emotion."

Naomi nodded and smiled slightly. "Thanks guys. I was feeling pretty awful about that. My mum seems really upset, and I felt like I didn't care enough, or something."

Artemis was surprised to find herself suddenly talking. "I felt the same way after my Father went missing. Everyone told me he was dead, but I couldn't believe them. I felt no pain or grief, just disbelief, shock. Actually, he wasn't dead, and once I found him I suddenly felt all of the grief I hadn't been able to before. So I was crying as I welcomed my own father back. Weird, huh?"

She had everyone's attention. They were staring, transfixed, as the mysterious new student spilled her soul. Suddenly she felt quite awkward. She hadn't meant to say anything at all, she'd just felt so comfortable in the small circle of friendship, wanted to tell someone, anyone, how she was feeling.

Suddenly, the girls lunged towards her. Artemis blinked as she found herself in the midst of a giant group hug. Someone was singing, and pretty soon they all were; "Weeee are the championsss, my friendsss… And we'll keep on fighting, till the enddd…"

Laughing, the group fell apart and onto the brown carpeting of Naomi's room. Fawny suddenly leapt up. "Who wants to do karaoke?" The girls instantaneously put their hands up, shrieking.

Artemis smiled widely and volunteered to sing "Survivor". This was the corniest night of her life. And the best.

A/N: Hehehe… Sorry, I know that was über-corny, as Artemis said, but you have to admit, you enjoyed reading it… Yes you did… Oh and no, I did not describe how Artemis or indeed anyone else looked after the make over, it didn't seem that important; but perhaps I'll do so in the next chapter. I know you're dying to know if girl-Artemis is a sexeh lady or disfigured hag. And for anyone who hasn't guessed: Naomi is based (who am I kidding, she IS) me, and yes, that is my real name, although my pink hair is now blue. And those are my friends, who I am striving to portray accurately but keep messing up. –Sigh- They're just too complex. Anyways tata love you all muchly and see you with the next chapter… Which I really have no idea what happens in or indeed when it's coming. Soon!