Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Wow! ELEVEN reviews! ELEVEN! I would have updated sooner out of pure joy at having ELEVEN reviews, but what with Halloween and all… I've been busy. Sorrysorrysorry! But I'm back now, with a new chapter, so you still love me right? Right? Please?

Thanks to: Kittels (Yay! Just for that you get a triple choco-fudge CUPCAKE!), Adaia Swordmaiden (My sympathies to you; I know how it feels. Yay Karaoke!), Ferrai (Thankies!), Cricket-Mac-Wocky (-Gasp! - Not the waffles! Please God no! ), boogle (Hurrah!), LadySara05 (Lol my friends are indeed crazy… And I have no idea when Arty shall know. But when she does she won't be too pleased…), Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Thanks so much!), Magpie (You make me blush! ), xMetallicBooger (Hehe yup… and I'm not done with her yet! Cool name O. ), TrunkZy (I LUFF polka dotted rain boots. And yes my friends and I are very strange!), Millie (Of course! You shall be in the very next chapter!) and padfootvfd (Oooh! Good plot twists… And mwahaha I shall!). Look for my wonderful Cousin Millie, appearing next chapter! –Murmurs wonderingly- ELEVEN reviews! -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: In no form or shape do I own Artemis Fowl or any of the characters portrayed in this fan fiction. Except myself. No wait, I sold my soul to the devil. Hmm…

Artemis woke to find herself alone in some sort of bedroom, the walls covered in strange posters and drawings; discarded sleeping bags littering the floor around her. Her brain still fuzzy with sleep, she pondered why she was not in her bedroom at Fowl Manor, and where exactly she was.

A reflection in the large antique mirror opposite caught her eye, and she was startled to see a rather pretty girl about her age staring back at her through the glass. She tentatively took a step forward; the girl did too. In fact, this girl had straight dark locks and piercing blue eyes almost exactly like…

Artemis blinked. Right. This whole being-a-girl thing was hard to get used to. She stared closer at (what she now realized was) her own reflection, and was forced to do a double take. The genius had never actually stopped to observe her female face before, being a bit preoccupied with re-discovering her identity…

She was startled to discover it quite nice. Not at all the disfigured hag she had feared… But then again, Fowl genes were impeccable, no matter the gender. Artemis the girl had shiny, straight locks in a jet-black shade, falling slightly past her shoulders to her mid-back. Her eyes were the same ice blue, radiating shrewd intelligence and framed by dark, elongated lashes. Her chin stuck out in a regal manner, accentuating her cheekbones, and her nose was thin and straight. Her newly plucked eyebrows were finely arched, giving her a sophisticated and slightly calculating look. Very Artemis Fowl.

The Irish millionaire nodded approvingly at herself. If she was still a boy, she'd almost fancy… Hold on, Artemis, she thought sternly to herself, you do not want to even go there… How much therapy will I need after this?

At that point five or so other girls burst into the room, singing very loudly and, it must be said, badly; some of them very scantily clad in fishnets and what looked like… corsets? Some of them being Fawny and Naomi.

Artemis stared. Oh yes. She'd need quite a bit of psychoanalysis…

-------------------

Foaly stared at the plasma screen, the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched the Fowl boy… Sorry, girl, stare at her reflection in the mirror for several minutes.

"Someone's getting a bit vain," he snorted merrily. "But why in a hairy dwarf's ass did you not take the chance to horribly disfigure him, Holly? Why give Artemis Fowl another chance to inflate his- her smug ego?

Holly sighed. "Come on… She's already taking on a whole new gender here! I thought I'd at least let her keep her normal facial features… just… girlied up a bit."

At this the two burst into laughter, leaving Chix Verbil to stare happily at the monitor as more girls ran in wearing skimpy outfits and singing. Chix whistled slowly. He was enjoying this program more and more.

Foaly looked up in time to see the girls begin talking to Artemis, as the Irish youth stared, hypnotized. His mouth dropped open and he nudged Holly sharply.

"What?" she said, still faintly chuckling. "Don't tell me your enjoying this as much as Chix…"

"No," the centaur replied, barely keeping a straight face, "But someone else sure is…"

Holly stared closer at the screen, focusing on the mesmerized raven-haired teen. "Oh my… You're not saying…" Her jaw dropped open as well.

Foaly let loose with a giant whoop of laughter. "Of all the times for Artemis Fowl's teenage hormones to finally kick in… this has got to be both the most awkward and hilarious I can think of."

-------------------

(Monday)

Artemis stared at the plain white t-shirt clenched in her manicured hand, sweat forming on the top of her lip. She could do this… She just wouldn't look around, or think about what she was doing…

Slowly, painfully, she peeled off first her fuzzy pink sweater, then her orange tank top. Quietly hyperventilating, she grabbed the t-shirt and yanked it over her head in a mad scramble, extremely aware of her exposed flesh.

The girl's changing room. What a nightmare.

Actually, to most boys it would seem like a dream come true. Here was the perfect opportunity to sneak in and see exactly what happened behind those closed doors, without anyone suspecting a thing. Artemis had two problems with this.

First, she was so self-conscious about her own recently acquired body that she could barely breathe, let alone open her eyes.

And two… Artemis Fowl was not most boys. In fact, she wasn't even a boy anymore.

So why did she feel like this?

Slowly she ventured to open one eye. There were girls everywhere… Short girls, tall girls, tan girls, freckly girls, curvy girls, petite girls… All changing. Laughing and carefree. Unaware of the alien in their midst.

Artemis fought the feelings stirring inside her; basic, primitive emotions she was ashamed to have. Wasn't she better then this? Wasn't she a noble Fowl?

She recalled her mother's words, spoken many years before, when Arty junior was but a lad of ten and his father not yet missing.

"Artemis, at a certain age, girls and boys stop being children and begin their journey to adulthood, usually during their teen years. At this time, you will experience some new emotions and physical changes as you grow, and it's all completely natural. It's just part of becoming a grown-up. I'm telling you this now so that when you start to mature you can recognize what's happening and talk to me if you have any questions. Do you have any questions now, Arty? Do you understand?"

Past Artemis slowly shook his head no, having on idea of what his mother was going on about. Changing? Maturing? He had no intention of doing either. He's much prefer going back to working on his 5th grade Science Project, which was currently being investigated by several acclaimed Science journals.

Present Artemis sighed. Yes, she certainly now knew what her mother had been talking about all those years ago, and she desperately wished she could ask her those mentioned questions. But what could she say? "Mother, I know I appear to be a girl but I have the mind of a fourteen year old male who is rapidly discovering his interest in the other sex. Oh, and how do I hook up my bra?"

Oh to be young and naïve. Artemis sighed once more, for good measure, and opened both eyes, determined to boldly face the music. Just then, some random freshman brushed by wearing only short-shorts and a midriff-baring tank top.

Artemis groaned.

A/N: Bwahaha. The torture of Arty continues. So yes, I hope no one minds that I am making Artemis horny as a… erm… fourteen year old boy. I was inspired by padfootvfd, and may add some sort of bizarre romance in here… Although of course Artemis will have to first go through arbitrary agony I assign her, such as: a school dance, a freaky stalker, and a bit more karaoke. Now, just to make a few things clear:

Holly "transformed" Artemis. I'm not sure how; perhaps she just snuck into his room in the dead of night and did a little magic; but she did. I'm just too lazy to properly explain that in the story.

Artemis has the body of a teenage girl (this includes the fact that she will have periods and whatnot… hehehe) but her mind remains the same. Thus, the perverted mud boy thoughts.

I will not let this story become an awful cheesy romance and/or lesbian romp. Too bad for you.

I will update whenever I have time (which is not that often . ). This is a SIDE PROJECT to distract me from the crap that is my life and finishing any "serious stories."

That said, thank you SOOOOOOOO much for your wonderful support; I love you all muchly and could not go on without you! COOKIES FOR ALL! -KamquatBanana