Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Wow! I'm updating! And it hasn't even been a week! It's all thanks to you lovely supportive reviewers; you're all fabulous and have excellent taste (-cough- not that I'm being immodest or anything –cough-) and WHEEEE! What can I say? Oh yeah, thanks…

Thanks to: Adaia Swordmaiden (Lol sadly I am, in fact, a girl; but the fact that should I ever have a sex change you would love me is very inspiring…xD), LadySara05 (Hehehe yay), Ferrai (Whoop! I have a special talent! –Victory Dance-), Kittels (Lol yeah sorry it took awhile… It won't happen again, officer!), PeanutButterII (Of course you get a cookie Peanut Butter THE SECOND. Lol yay), padfootvfd (You should feel special! For not only have you inspired me, but you have a fantabulous name!), Phoenix Skyborne (Yes; it's the classic gender confusion issue… Very fun), crazy pineapple lady (Wheee thanks so much! –Plot bunny modestly takes a bow-) and heartsoblivion (Oh I know… And it gets worse… -evil laughter-). Now, just a warning… This chapter contains no plot. No really. It's just random drivel that I happen to find amusing. And although I promised to introduce Millie this chapter, I has to cut it short, so NEXT chapter it shall be!-KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: Let's just say that hypothetically I owned Artemis Fowl. What then? Would I, in fact, sit at home with my cat and computer typing this random epic voyage into Artemis Fowl's girliedom and making no money whatsoever from it? I think not. I would be out RULING THE WORLD! BWAHAHAahahahahahahahahah… -Cough- So what I'm trying to say is: I don't own it.

(Tuesday)

Artemis strode confidently towards the large metal doors of Werthington High. She was feeling somewhat better about the whole situation; she knew her way around now, she had friends, and with a little help from Naomi she had even learned the proper way to put on pantyhose (scrunch one side up, slide foot in, pull up, repeat with other foot).

Thus, the Fowl heir had decided to wear black tights, a white miniskirt, and two shirts on top of one another; a stripy black and white long sleeved and a black t-shirt emblazoned with "Save the Kittens". She had a feeling the others would approve.

So, it was with some amount of smugness and self-assured cockiness that the Irish millionaire opened the doors to her new school and stepped inside.

Until the snickering started.

It began as a quiet murmur among the students she passed; a whisper, a nudge, a stifled laugh. Then it grew, until the corridors filled with the unpleasant tittering of her peers.

Artemis scowled as she blushed a light pink colour. She shouldn't let them get to her like this. It was probably just because she was a new student, and not all that "normal". She certainly wasn't trying to fit in.

She adopted her fiercest smile and blazed to her locker, ignoring the sniggers surrounding her. At her locker she found the entire group, hanging around and looking exhausted.

"Hey!" she greeted them happily. God, it was good to have friends.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Morning."

"Grddfsdg…"

That was Naomi, greeting her before leaning her head on her shoulder and feigning sleep. She allowed the full weight of her body to rest on the raven-haired girl's shoulder, causing them both to stumble back and fall to the ground. Artemis blushed further as the laughter increased and daintily picked herself up, but Naomi remained on the floor, motionless.

"Is she… okay?" Artemis asked hesitantly, still flushed from the recent body contact.

Hilary sighed. "Yeah… Just not much of a morning person."

"Ah."

"How come you're so chipper anyway?" Fawny asked, yawning. "It's so earlyyyyyyy…"

Artemis blinked. "Is it? Oh. I usually wake up at this time, so it doesn't seem unusual to me. I guess I'm just… a morning person?"

The others merely stared. Finally Caitlin croaked, "Even… Even on weekends?" Artemis nodded. "Holidays?" More nodding. "D.A.S.?"

"What?" the young Fowl replied, confused.

"D.A.S… Day After Sleepover." Caitlin confirmed.

"You slept like a baby!" Hilary chuckled.

Artemis flushed further. "I was not conditioned to the hours nor the energy spent during such a social interaction… I- I- may have overslept slightly to regain my usual motor functions."

The others gaped this time, staring at the embarrassed teen with looks of wonder on their tired faces.

"Ergh… It's… too… early… to be smart…" Naomi muttered from the floor.

-------------------

After patiently sitting through two classes made for absolute morons, Artemis rejoined the group at lunch. She was tired of being treated like an imbecile by the teachers, tired of being sniggered at by the students, and overall tired.

The others, however, were not.

"Hiiiiiiiiii!" Naomi yelled, bounding over like a hyperactive ferret on crack and dancing around the confused girl genius.

"Um… Hello?"

"Isn't today SUPER!"

"Not anymore so then usual…"

"I think its just SUPER!"

"That's… great…"

"Hey I want you to meet my cousin Millie later today, okay? She's from Australia! She's so awesome and cool and stuff!"

"Sounds good… Are you, um, okay?"

"I'm SUPER!"

"Okay then."

Artemis carefully edged away from the manic pink-haired girl and whispered to Hilary, "Is there something wrong with her?"

Hilary sighed deeply. "She had sugar."

"Meaning…?"

"There is something very wrong with her."

"Oh."

Artemis turned to talk to one of the others, only to see Caitlin and Fawny standing behind her, eyes glazed over with crazed smiles on their faces. She gulped.

"What about them?"

Hilary gave her a sympathetic we-are-the-only-sane-ones look. "Ditto."

Suddenly Naomi broke into song, singing loudly (and quite off-key):

"I'll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want-"

Fawny jumped in with:

"So tell me whatcha want, what you really, really want-"

Caitlin repeated:

"I'll tell you what I want what I really, really want-"

And Hilary added, with a if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em look at Artemis:

"So tell me whatcha want, what you really, really want-"

All four girls chorused, in time:

"I want a, I want a, I want a, I want a, I really, really, really want a zig-a-zag-ah!"

Artemis watched, bewildered, as the group gave a mock bow and burst out laughing; giggling so much that they toppled over onto the floor. Passing freshmen gave them amazed glances, while the seniors merely looked on, incredulous but unimpressed.

"Spice Girls forever!" someone called out from the heap of laughing girls, but Artemis was not sure who exactly had said it.

Suddenly Fawny poked her head up from the pile. "But wait… There are five girls in the band."

Hilary caught her drift and said slowly, "But there are only four of us…"

Caitlin added, equally slowly, "Meaning we need one more member…"

All four girls stood up and looked expectantly at the girl genius, who swallowed noisily.

"I've never even heard of these… Flavour Girls or whatever they're called," Artemis said unconvincingly.

"We can teach you all you need to know," Hilary said seriously.

"It'll be a laugh!" Caitlin said pleadingly.

"And tons of fun!" Fawny added happily.

"And best of all…" Naomi pronounced giddily, "YOU can be Scary Spice!"

-------------------

Artemis Fowl was brilliant, manipulative, determined and forceful. The Irish teen had dealt with the Mafia, big city businessmen, and an entire race of advanced creatures; and always come out on top. Simply put, she did not take no for an answer.

But the girl genius had one serious flaw; a weakness that, were it to be discovered, could very well be her undoing.

She couldn't say no to anything.

Oh sure, it was easy enough to dodge doing one's homework or ignore one's mother ordering one to clean up one's bedroom. But when faced with, say, a group of pleading teenage girls, lower lips trembling, Artemis Fowl found herself unable to take the rational course of action and just say, "No thanks."

And so, Artemis Fowl junior found herself becoming the fifth member of the Spice Girls' Fan Club Band; Scary Spice.

What a softie.

A/N: Okayyy… Next chapter: An explanation as to why everyone was sniggering at Arty in the hallways, finally meeting Millie, and more shameless Arty torture in the form of an all-girl band rehearsal! YAYYYYYYYYY! Yes, I am aware that I need a life. And that this chapter made no sense. And that there is no plot. BUT ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE! Well, at least the no plot bit. As for me ever having a life, I find it more likely that Holly will grow a beard and wear shamrock-green while guarding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. –KamqautBanana.