Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MILLIE! . Also a happy late birthday to the extremely HAP Vicki, and an early happy birthday to MYSELF, who turns fifteen in… Would you believe it… FOURTEEN DAYS! WHEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh, and happy birthday to My Mum… Hehehe…

Thanks to: Kittels (Yay! You're too kind), padfootvfd (I also just had SUGARSUGARSUGAR! I find it inspires randomnosity! Hmm, counseling you say…), Adaia Swordmaiden (Thank you! I hope the following chapter makes sense, there's more Spice Girl oddity… Lol), LadySara05 (Being most people is boring), Phoenix Skyborne (I find the nineties to be a truly magical time of tasteless music and fashion that you can't help but love… Like the Spice Girls) and Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Thank you very much!). And now… The Chapter Where I Finally Actually Really Introduce My cousin Millie! -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: Someday I will team up with Artemis Fowl and unleash my ultimate weapon of mass destruction that shall allow me ownership of all things fictional. Until then, I don't own a scrap of it . .

(Wednesday)

Artemis shifted uncomfortably in her chair all that day throughout English class. Goddamnit, she felt like she was wearing incontinence knickers or something…

Upon arriving home Tuesday, Artemis had discovered something rather unsettling. Apparently one of the "perks" of her new body was she got to BLEED into her knickers every month. After Angeline had managed to calm her distressed daughter, who was convinced she was going to die, she had told Arty all about periods and pads and tampons. The girl genius vaguely remembered hearing about these things once or twice, from her mother or some (misguided) attempt to teach the St. Bartleby's boys sex education. She'd just never imagined any of it would apply to herself.

So now the Irish millionaire was forced to wear one of those cumbersome pads (as the tampons, quite frankly, scared her) for SEVEN DAYS every MONTH. If she'd ever had any idea how much girls suffered through she would have been much more sympathetic with Juliet and her mother. Not only was Artemis considerably uncomfortable, she was also mortified by the incident of yesterday. Apparently, the students had been laughing for a rather different reason then she had imagined.

White miniskirt + Period Ultimate Social Humiliation, as Arty now knew.

"Hey, can you make it to my house after school Thursday?" Naomi whispered suddenly, breaking the other girl's train of thought.

"Huh? Oh, yeah… Sure…" Artemis replied.

"Great! We have to practice for our big gig, you know, at my cousin's birthday party, so…"

"Wait a minute? Practice? Gig?"

"Yeah. You know, practice our songs and stuff? I thought we could do my own special rendition of 'Spice Up Your Life', and maybe a few others…"

"Let me get this straight: We're having a BAND practice tomorrow, to get ready for our upcoming PERFORMANCE at your cousin's PARTY?" Artemis asked incredulously.

"That's pretty much it!" Naomi replied cheerfully.

"I just joined! I don't even know how to play an instrument! I'm not ready to perform!" the raven-haired teen hissed.

Naomi simply tsk-ed. "Do you know nothing about pop culture? You don't need to play an INSTRUMENT, silly! Just lip-synch along, learn the dance moves, and you'll be fine! Oh, and of course we have to get you fitted for your costume…"

"My what?" Artemis shrieked.

Just then Mrs. Brettany swooped over. "Girls, I would prefer that you not distract the others with this unnecessary noise. Now, please get to work, the both of you!"

Artemis sighed. What the hell had she gotten herself into?

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(Thursday)

"And a one, and a two, and a one-two-THREE!"

Right on cue the peppy beat started up, echoing throughout the nearly empty garage and emitting from Naomi's very old, battered boom box that had taken all five girls to move out here. The girls struck a pose and Caitlin strutted to the front of the group.

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!"

The other girls started nodding their heads frenetically in time to the music.

"So tell me what you want, what you really really want!"

Artemis bobbed along, slightly desperately. She didn't know the words, she didn't know the moves, and she was dressed in a simply hideous gold lamé glitter pantsuit, with two horns lodged in her hair. Apparently, that was Scary Spice's "signature look".

"I want a, I want a, I really really really want a zig-a-zag-ah!"

What Artemis really wanted, at that moment, was an escape route. Yes, these girls were perfectly nice, nearly sane individuals, but if this was their idea of fun, they could count her out. It was highly embarrassing for a Fowl, of all people, to be seen dancing in a gold lamé glitter pantsuit.

"If you want my future, forget my past; if you wanna get with me, better make it fast!"

Although Artemis could definitely think of a few reasons for staying. That is, Artemis' horny fourteen-year-old boy mind could think of a few reasons for staying. Four of them, in fact.

The raven-haired girl inconspicuously glanced at the others. Caitlin was dressed as Baby Spice, and accordingly wore a baby blue mini dress and had her hair in big fluffy pigtails secured with lots of sparkly barrettes. Hilary was portraying Posh Spice, in a sleek little black dress and stilettos. Fawny was Ginger Spice, and had died her hair a vibrant red for the occasion. She was decked out in full gear: corset top, miniskirt, and giant platforms with British flags painted on them. And Naomi was, ironically enough, Sporty Spice (considering she didn't participate in any sort of athletics). She wore a black headband, sweatpants and sneakers, but rebelled with a black t-shirt proclaiming "Down With P.E.!"

Artemis mentally slapped himself in disgust. Now she was lecherously eyeing her friends? This was so wrong…

"Now don't go wasting, my precious time; get your act together, we could be just fine!"

The other four girls broke into wild disco moves, as Artemis hurriedly tried to copy their motions and fell dreadfully behind. She felt so ashamed of her perverted feelings; she was supposed to be a GIRL now!

"If you want to be my lover… Yeah!"

The teen sighed and took a bow with the others. That was exactly the problem. She was attracted to all of these girls who had innocently taken her in as a friend and welcomed her into their lives.

But Artemis wasn't so sure she could be just friends.

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(Friday)

"Millie, this is my friend Artemis the Second. Artemis, this is my super cousin Millie!"

Artemis smiled politely as Naomi burbled on happily about titles and how cool they were, how excited she was to see Millie, and how Millie had come all the way from Australia. Millie commented on Naomi's recently dyed black hair and reaffirmed that titles were indeed cooler then sliced bread. She then turned to Artemis.

"Did you know 100,000 tiny bits of skin fall of your body every minute?" she asked very seriously, picking at a hole in her worn old jeans and adjusting her 'Canada, Eh?' t-shirt.

"Actually, yes I did," Artemis replied, surprised at the question. "I read it in 'Doctor Newgens Study Of The Human Body Volume One: Skin.'"

Millie's eyes widened. "Me too! So, did you know that Drew Barrymore is the godmother of Kurt Cobain's daughter Frances Bean?"

Artemis smiled and nodded. "Were you aware that the king of hearts is the only king without a moustache, in a deck of playing cards?"

Millie gasped. "Yes! Yes I was aware!"

Naomi smiled and wandered away, leaving them to their conversation. The band didn't go on for another few minutes, so they had some time. Besides, it looked like Artemis Fowl had finally met his match in Random Trivia.

A/N: To Be Continued… Dun-dun-dun… Will Millie beat Artemis in the final showdown random trivia? Will Artemis perform on stage in a gold lamé pantsuit? Will she let her hormones get the better of her and jump some poor girl before the night is over? Only your reviews, dear readers, will allow me to continue and find out the answers to these burning questions, and more… I'm such a review slut. –KamquatBanana.