Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Just when you thought I'd given up… I pop back up again! Much like herpes! Anyways, I would like to thank you all for continuing to read and warn you that this will only get more random as I go along, although I am attempting to insert some sort of plot… It just won't stick! Also, I may not be able to update very frequently (read: every week) in the next while. What with 5 birthdays, a concert, my super cousin Millie flying in from Australia, and then heading to Toronto to see super cousins Katie and Vicki; I don't think I'll have much time (or computer access!) over the next month… So here's a special little chapter just for you, my holiday present to the lovely fanfic-ers of the world!

Thanks to: instant icing mix (Hmm… There's a thought! –Maniacal laughter-), I Am The Krow (Whoop! Name changes are spiffy. I want to change mine, as I made it up last year when I was horribly young and naïve, but I'm afraid no one would recognize me…), Snowy Leopardess (Who would have thunk it? Arty making friends! Lol), Limefly (Mwahaha! By the time I'm done you'll have the entire ALBUM stuck in your head!), Lugian-Holly Before Swine (Hurrah! Odd but good! My mantra!), padfootvfd (YAY! I heard about the movie… Hope they don't screw it up… But the book comes as a welcome surprise!), LadySara05 (Lol yes… And thank you! ), and Tazzel Quickbow (I'm glad I- or rather the plot bunny- amuse you!). -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: What do you think?

(Friday, continued)

"Artemis!"

Artemis jerked her head up, surprised, and glanced around the crowded room, trying to locate the owner of the voice that had yelled her name.

"ARTEMIS!"

It was Naomi, running towards the other girl frantically, a microphone in her hand. She made a final sprint to where the Irish youth stood, before unceremoniously yanking her arm and towing her away, still jogging along.

"Artemis the Second, we are supposed to be on that stage… NOW!"

The girl genius blinked. Oops. She must have lost track of time, talking to Millie. They had just been discussing the original colour of Coca-cola… Green.

Naomi suddenly paused her relentless pace and sighed remorsefully. "Where is your costume? Never mind; there's not time now… Shame, you looked so pretty in it too…"

The raven-haired teen blinked once gain, unsure of how to feel about this. Definitely relieved. But had a girl really just said she looked pretty? Pretty?

Artemis shook her head as she was pulled onto a brightly lit stage with four other costumed girls; the giant crowd going wild as the drum beat started in the background.

This was so not the time to analyze.

-------------------

"La, la, la, la, la, la-la… La, la, la, la-la, la-la…

When You're Feelin', Sad And Low,

We Will Take You, Where You Gotta Go,

Smiling, Dancing, Everything Is Free,

All You Need Is: Positivity!"

Artemis sweated vigorously as she jumped along to the beat, mouthing the words through a bright smile and coordinating moves like a pro. The crowd, accordingly, screamed and cheered, singing along word for word.

"Colours Of The World,

Spice Up Your Life!

Every Boy And Every Girl,

Spice Up Your Life!

People Of The World,

Spice Up Your Life!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Her heart was racing, her blood pumping, and her adrenaline racing as she moved to the pulsating rhythm. God, this was a rush! If she'd known it could be this… exhilarating to take stage, she would have done it long ago. Forget quantum physics, forget executing a master plan… This was the ultimate high!

Well, maybe not forget them completely. She was a Fowl, after all.

"Slam It To The Left,

If You're Havin' A Good Time!

Shake It To The Right,

If You Know That You Feel Fine!

Chicas To The Front,

Ha! Ha! And Go Round!"

However almost all aspects of Fowl breeding were gone as Artemis well and truly slammed and shook to the overwhelmingly girly music. And the best part of it was… She didn't care one bit.

-------------------

"Okay people… This is going to be our last song of the night," Naomi's amplified voice rang out, to the disappointed groans from the crowd, "But you will see us again! Sometime, someplace… We will be back! Now… Hit it!"

"Happy Birthdayyy to youuu…

Happy Birthdayyy to youuu…

Happy Birthday Dear Millieee,

Happy Birthdayyy to youuu!"

Artemis beamed exhaustedly as the crowd roared approval.

"Thank you, thank you!" Naomi was saying, "We are… The Spice Girl Fan Club Band!"

More cheering. Artemis took a bow and retreated from the stage, panting slightly, to retrieve her water bottle and perhaps lie down.

"You guys were so great!" Millie enthused as soon as she saw them. "Really! Thanks so much for doing this!"

The girls nodded modestly before wide grins split their faces.

"You think so?" Caitlin asked hesitantly.

"I know so!" Millie replied.

"We totally kicked ass!" Hilary whooped, punching the air with a fist.

"I second the motion!" Fawny added.

"Girl Power!" Naomi yelled, raising her arm. "Go… US!"

The other raised their arms as well, until they had made a sort of tipi of girl power. Artemis cautiously joined them. She might as well get in touch with her feminine side; she'd be using it a lot more from now on… And besides, this whole caring-sharing thing was quite a nice change from her usual lonely lifestyle.

"Hip, hip, hurrah!"

"To girls!"

"To friendship!"

"To sisterhood!"

"To sticking together, no matter what!"

"No boys allowed!"

The others burst into raucous laughter as Artemis turned a rather purple colour. Not for the first time, she felt like some sort of undercover spy, being exposed to all the secrets of womankind… Their bonds, their friendships, and their loyalties… Loyalties that were about to be put to a test.

A tall, slim, and dark-haired fellow eased up to the group, hands casually in his pockets. The air immediately stilled; filled no longer with the merry laughter of friends but the keen appraisal of this handsome intruder. It was suddenly every girl for herself.

"Hellooo, ladies. Thought I might find you here… The gig totally rocked, by the way," Mr. Mysterio said in a gravelly voice. Artermis could practically feel the girls around her swoon, as one. She immediately disliked this guy. Who was he, to come in here and spoil their wonderful little moment of solidarity? Alright, so it was sister solidarity, and Artemis wasn't exactly the sister everyone thought her to be, but this guy had no right! None at all!

"Hiiii, Alex!" Fawny cooed.

"So nice to see you!" Caitlin chimed.

"Lovely," Hilary affirmed.

"Mmm…" Naomi added, staring dreamily.

Artemis shook her head in disgust at her friends. They were throwing themselves at him! Could they try to have a little more dignity? Then again, "Alex" seemed perfectly content to have them drool over him, and was, in fact, flashing them all a dazzling smile. Artemis nearly growled. Stupid blighter.

I only wish it was me, a voice in her head said wistfully.

"Ah, hello, I haven't met either of you before," Alex was saying amiably, as Artemis snapped back to reality.

"Oh! Haven't I introduced you to the birthday girl, Alex?" Naomi said embarrassedly, flustering slightly. "Alex, my cousin Millie. Millie, my friend Alex." She gestured to both parties before returning to staring dreamily at the latter, cheeks still tinged slightly pink.

"Charmed," Millie said warmly. She, however, seemed immune to the Powers of Alex, and politely smiled back in response to his 100-watt grin. Artemis heaved a sigh of relief. At least someone was sane in this lovesick group.

Just then Alex turned his piercing black gaze to the raven-haired girl herself. "And you are?" he asked charismatically, a twinkle in his eye. "I haven't had the pleasure of being introduced to you yet…"

Artemis returned the stare with her own steely blue orbs, causing Alex to blink somewhat. "Artemis Fowl. The Second," she replied haughtily.

Alex seemed a little lost before regaining his composure and slipping into another blinding smile. "The Second? Any plans for a third?"

The majority of the group (Fawny, Caitlin, Hilary and Naomi) broke into hysterical laughter, as though he had just told the funniest joke in the world.

"That's just what I said!" Naomi exclaimed delightedly.

Alex grinned at her before turning back to Artemis, leaning in ever so slightly with an intense look in his eye. "It's very nice to meet you, Artemis Fowl The Second. I do hope you'll take me up on my offer sometime."

Before Artemis could spit back a reply ("No way in hell!"), he was gone, leaving only a faint smell of manly cologne. The others sighed; as though a chocolate bar that had just been waved under their noses had now vanished.

"So nice to catch up with him again," Naomi murmured smittenly.

"Yes," Fawny, Caitlin, and Hilary sighed.

Millie snorted, breaking them out of their daze. "Come on guys, you still have to change out of your costumes, and there's a piece of cake just waiting with your name on it!"

The four girls sighed before slowly moving towards the changing room, going about their lives once more. The magic was gone. The innocence was dead. The girl-power, positive, upbeat, sisterhood had evaporated in the space of a few short minutes.

That's just what happens when you add a y chromosome to the mix.

A/N: Bwahaha. Slowly, a plot emerges… So hopefully I will post again soon-ish… If not, hopefully you will bear with me and stick it out until I get off my lazy arse and write the next chapter, which shall deal with important matters such as jealous friends, flirtatious guys, and… Sno-cones? You know you love it! –KamquatBanana.