Title: I Feel Like A Woman
Author: Kamquat Banana
Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)
A/N: I'm backkkkkkk! After a short and altogether too eventful holiday break, but hey, you can't have everything… Actually I have no idea where I'm going with this story anymore; I welcome your feedback and ideas as I'm pretty much blindly wandering around with a vague sense of where I'm going and an odd sense of humor. I'm also beginning several –NEW- stories, which I hope to post relatively soon… Mostly Harry Potter; mostly slash; mostly smutty… If it's not your thing, don't read it . . And of course I must thank all of you lovely reviewing elves who prodded me in the right direction (keyboard forward) once again. Here's a slightly longer then usual chapter, to make up for the extensive update time…
Thanks to: padfootvfd (To answer your questions: not telling; yes; and I have no clue!), I Am The Krow (Uh oh indeed! Aww yay I feel so… huggled!), Heather (Thanks indeedy!), Limefly (YES you may kill him; I'll help…), jenn120 (Thanks so much ), NC Ace (Lol, don't worry… I haven't actually participated in that much girliness either! I just figure if Arty's going to be a girl, hell, I'm making him a GIRL), Tarnished Secret (YAY! Henceforth, I appoint you my special friend! Anyone who mentions flamethrowers is more then worthy of the title…), J. Dawnwolf (I fear Artemis Fowl would forever be singing "Somewhere Only The Rainbow" if I truly DID own the series… Not to mention wearing a petticoat… O) and Tazzel Quickbow (EEEeeee! –Smarfs cookie. Realizes "smarfs" isn't a real word. Shrugs-).
-KamqautBanana
DISCLAIMER: If you don't own it and you know it clap your hands! –CLAP! CLAP! –
(Saturday)
Artemis awoke at a leisurely pace, basking in the quiet solitude of her master bedroom. Saturday. A day completely free of crowded hallways, pushy peers and emotional trauma, not to mention boy trouble.
Or so she thought.
Slipping on a pair of her mother's fluffy slippers (which she wouldn't have been caught dead in before the "gender incident", as Artemis now referred to it in her mind), the girl genius slowly made her way downstairs, stretching luxuriously.
"Arty, dear, is that you up? There's someone on the phone for you!" Angelina Fowl's cheerful voice called from the direction of the living room. As Artemis sleepily padded over and picked up the mobile, she caught her mother's excited whisper of, "It sounds like a boy!"
Feeling as though she had plunged from a heavenly dream to a violent nightmare, the Irish youth reluctantly put the receiver to her ear, dreading the voice that would, inevitably, come from the other side.
"Hello?"
"Well hello, Artemis The Second. So nice to hear your lovely voice again," a smooth male voice remarked, altogether too charmingly. The girl genius could only sigh as her suspicions were confirmed. Her visions of a relaxing, pleasant weekend had just been flushed down the toilet.
"Alex, how did you obtain this number and what is your motive for using it?"
"Ouch! Someone sounds a little snappy! Did you just get up on the wrong side of the bed today, or are you always this fierce?"
His tone was light and joking; but Artemis wanted to snap his neck in half all the same.
"No. I merely wonder at how one's personal sanctuary can be breached with the simple act of dialing seven numbers. Now I'll ask once more, politely: how did you come upon this number?"
"At ease, soldier!"
Artemis growled, causing Alex to continue on hurriedly.
"Uh… Naomi gave it to me and asked me to call you, because we're all hanging out at the mall today and she wanted you there, too. She would call you herself, but apparently her cell phone just conked out. So, since I was right there, holding a mobile… I thought I'd be your knight in shining armor. Will you do me the blessing of attending the mall with me, fair maiden?"
Artemis sighed exasperatedly. This was just what she needed. Some prat going all medieval chivalry on her.
"Who else is there?" she asked tiredly.
"Myself, Naomi, her cousin, Fawny, Hilary, Caitlin, some other people… The whole gang. C'mon. You know you want to."
The raven-haired teen felt an inner battle raging in her mind. The logical part of her brain, which took up largely 99, was calmly telling her that under no circumstances should she even think about deserting her peaceful solitary state to run amok in a shopping mall, which she detested, with Alex, who she detested even further. But a defiant 1 was persisting something else, for reasons Artemis could not even begin to comprehend. Or perhaps that she just didn't want to. She seemed unfathomably caught up in the thought of the entire 'gang' being there.
"Alright," the young millionaire sighed eventually. "I suppose I would be able to…er… 'hang' sometime this afternoon. Say around one 'o clock?"
"Sweet," Alex replied approvingly. "I'll be seeing you then. Gotta go now, I've got an important phone call to put in for some manager dude… I'm starting my own band, did you know? The Poison Apples?"
"Bye, Alex," Artemis said dryly.
"Bye then, Arty."
"Alex?"
"Yeah Arty?"
"Don't. Call. Me. Arty."
SLAM.
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… BLOWOUT BACK-TO-SCHOOL SALE…
…All Merchandise Reduced Fifty Percent…
…Up To Five Dollars Of When You Purchase…
…BUY! BUY! BUY!…
Artemis shuddered as she drifted through the packed crowd at the Micaville Shopping Centre, a testimony to the ruthless consumerism that had overtaken her generation. Blocking out the obnoxious slogans and vulgar displays from her mind, the girl genius silently searched the mob for any sign of 'the gang'.
She'd arrived punctually at one PM sharp, dressed in her new distressed jeans and a carefully layered combination of t-shirts. If she didn't know any better, she might have thought she was trying to impress someone.
But that was just plain ridiculous.
Abruptly a flash of familiar bright red hair caught her eye, and then through a parting in the horde of shoppers she saw Fawny, Hilary, Millie, Naomi and Caitlin sitting by the water fountain, laughing and tossing coins in over their shoulders. Smiling in relief, she made her way over to where they sat and perched at an empty spot on their bench.
"Hi," she exclaimed almost shyly. The others turned to her joyfully.
"Hey!"
"G'day Mate!"
"Greetings!"
"Welcome!"
"Glad you could make it!"
They all, except for Hilary, kept their eyes closed as they greeted her, their fingers still clutching pennies in hand.
"Take a penny, close your eyes, and make a wish," Naomi intoned solemnly, eyes firmly shut, holding the coin out for the other girl. "If it hits the bell, town legend has it that it'll come true."
Artemis, amused by the conviction in her voice, accepted the offered penny and shut her eyes, reflecting on what she most wanted out of life, at that very moment.
Her mother and father were safe and the family fortune secure. Life, although not grand, certainly wasn't horrible. The only thing Artemis missed, the only thing she wished she could change, was herself.
She wanted to be her rightful self again. His rightful self again.
Didn't she?
"Commencing countdown to sacrificial toss," Naomi said gravely, interrupting the raven-haired teen's thoughts.
"Three…"
She wanted back.
"Two…"
Surely she wanted back.
"One…"
Didn't she want back?
"TOSS!"
Confused, doubtful, and strangely torn, Artemis released her penny into the air, feeling her various emotions struggling to take control; to overthrow the others and settle as one unified feeling. Her hand wobbled slightly as the small coin left her grasp, and she could practically feel it tilting, diving, swooping; as out-of-control as her emotions.
The others hurriedly opened their eyes and whirled around to watch the currency fly through the air, their hopes contained on the simple fall of a small penny. Then, with a tiny 'plink', the coins showered into the pond; every one of them failing to hit the shiny golden bell high atop the marble fountain.
Artemis was still turned around, eyes shut, her mind a battle of conflicting sensations. She barely noticed her penny drop, after wildly spinning through the air, onto the head of an elderly gentleman seated nearby. She didn't particularly care.
Finally, an emotion had settled upon her. Confusion.
-------------------
"Sno-cones are on me!"
Artemis sighed as an annoyingly tall figure loped over to the small group, disturbing what had, up until then, been a rather good time, even by her standards. In just one hour she'd managed to buy a pair of fringed cowboy boots, stripy tights, a pleated plaid skirt, a t-shirt with neon muffins dancing on the front, and several sparkly bangles; not to mention a voluminous tome on ancient civilizations and their languages
So much for her hatred of the mall.
"Seriously, my treat, girls. I figure I can take a few risks, now that I'm anticipating cash flow, what with the band and all…" he announced casually, handing them each a brilliantly-coloured sno-cone with a saintly expression.
Artemis rolled her eyes at Alex's transparency, and then at her friend's eagerness to eat it all up and feed his hungry little ego.
"Ooh! You have a band?"
"Seriously?"
"What's it called?"
"Who's in it?"
Alex mussed his hair up in a practiced, I'm-too-cool-for-a-comb sort of sweep and answered their questions in a casual tone that suggested boredom.
"Me and a couple a' guys sort of came together recently… We're calling ourselves the Poison Apples, as in Snow White and all that shit. We've already written a few songs, actually… My favorite is 'Corpse's Shadow', but 'Bloody Remains' has a good rhythm going for it…"
The girl genius could only watch in disbelief as her friends sat, puppy-eyed, lapping up every bit of it. Surely they didn't find this at all interesting? Surely they could see through Alex' lame cool-band-dude façade?
Apparently not. Apparently it was up to her.
"Hmm… That's great that you're getting involved in music, Alex. What exact instrument did you say you play, again?"
The boy in question swung towards her, surprised by this sudden questioning of his talents and slightly befuddled. "Well… Uh… Actually… I'm on vocals."
This confirmed what Artemis already knew: that he was nothing more then a pretty face, schmoozing his way through life on his good looks while screaming into a mike like a dying animal, no doubt.
However, it seemed to have the opposite effect on the others. If anything, they leaned in closer, their expressions almost worshipful.
"You mean you're the front man?"
"The lead singer?"
"Wow!"
"Can you sing for us now?"
Alex smiled pompously. The git. "We-ell… I suppose I could sing a little of 'Road Kill Love'…"
Artemis could no longer sit and listen. Excusing herself quietly, she strode towards the public washrooms, dropping her melting sno-cone purposefully in the trash bin as she walked by.
-------------------
A few minutes later (after Artemis had successfully found the correct washroom, following a humiliating dash out of the men's room), the raven-tressed teen glanced up to find Millie entering the washroom by herself, looking slightly ill.
"Is everything okay?" Artemis asked concernedly.
"Yeah… I'm just a bit Alex-ed out, that's all," the Aussie answered wearily, mirroring the Irish teen's thoughts. A smile twitched at the corners of her mouth. "I reckon we should comb down his hair when he's not looking sometime."
Artemis laughed in approval. "Or maybe we could suddenly feign extreme interest in him. That would no doubt highly confuse his fragile mind."
The two girls looked at each other. Pretended to think it over for a moment, and then shook their heads simultaneously.
"Too much effort!"
They both burst out in ungainly laughter, rather red in the face and panting, but having too much fun to care about the disapproving stares coming from the elderly woman washing her hands nearby.
"Let's rip up his lyrics!"
"Let's give him a makeover!"
"Let's throw him in the fountain!"
"Let's cut his recorded voice track during a live band performance!"
They were at the uncontrollable stage of jollity now, tears streaming down their faces as they clenched their heaving sides.
It was at this precise moment that Naomi entered the bathroom.
Taking in the breathless, chuckling girls, the glaring old woman and the general air of disquiet in the bathroom, she said carefully, "Hey guys… What's happening?"
Artemis struggled to compose herself and maintain an air of dignity. She failed miserably. "H-h-h-i!" she snorted, wiping her nose on her sleeve and trying to suppress the laughter rising up inside of her once more. "We were just… We were just…"
"We were just discussing methods of castrating Alex! Care to join the club?" Millie finished gleefully, causing the two to break into raucous snickering all over again. Naomi looked from one to the other in utter bewilderment.
"Seriously?"
Muffled giggles answered her well enough. "He's not all that bad once you get to know him… Really!" she defended mildly.
"Surrrre, Nao…" Millie retorted sarcastically. "We all know you just want to get in his pants!"
Flushing a dark pink to match the streaks in her hair, the other girl stammered, "I don't- I never- I haven't-"
"Oh we know you haven't," Millie continued. "That's why you can't see that he's an utter fool. Sleep with him, get it out of your system, and move on; because puppy love is so last year." And with that, she strode out of the restroom, chuckling merrily.
Once she had stopped blushing such a profuse maroon, Naomi resignedly sighed, "She's always been able to pry into my innermost thoughts. It's a gift of sorts. That, and I have a lousy poker face."
Artemis smiled shyly. For some reason, she felt nervous again; as though one lovesick teenage girl was more then she could handle all at once. Which it was, actually.
"So you do… um… like… Alex, then?" she stuttered inarticulately, mentally slapping herself. Surely one of the most highly developed minds of all time could manage to construct a simple sentence? "I mean… as more then… well, you know… like a friend-type person?"
Apparently not.
Naomi only sighed wistfully in response, a sigh that somehow managed to convey everything that needed to be said in one mournful gust of air.
"Right then…" Artemis continued awkwardly. "Well… I suppose that's… good. Well not really good, but you know… um… okay. Because everyone's entitled to their own… er… decisions of the heart, so to say… Not that I don't think it's good. Alex is certainly… erm… special…? But what I mean to say is… um…"
She stumbled, at a loss for words. Naomi's still lightly pink-tinged face was turned towards hers in a look of part amusement, part amazement, her mouth twisted into a wry grin, her lips tinted blue from the half-eaten sno-cone she still lazily held in one hand, as she slowly brought it up to her mouth and licked it, waiting expectantly for Artemis to continue.
She found she couldn't. Her tongue was rather uselessly flopping around in her mouth, as she watched the other girl (messily) consume the melting frozen treat, her innocent gaze trained on Artemis.
"Want some?" she asked thoughtfully, misinterpreting the raven-haired teen's gaze. She carefully held out the dripping, neon blue sno-cone, licking her lips contentedly.
Artemis passionately shook her head no. Therapy was starting to seem like a mighty good idea.
"Oh. Okay," Naomi shrugged comfortably. "I'll just finish it off, then." And so saying, she shoved the entire thing, cone and all, into her mouth, chewed once, and swallowed; looking perfectly content.
"Kids these days!" harrumphed the disgruntled old woman, who had in fact been standing behind them the whole time in the pretense of drying her hands, and was now seemingly finished. As she stomped out of the restroom, she turned back to remark gruffly:
"Why, in my day, we just kissed 'em, and that was that!"
Artemis gulped.
A/N: Tee-hee. Notice the double entendre of the old lady's words? Not that she intended it, of course. SoooOOooo the question becomes: Millie or Nao? And what of Alex? And when ARE the Fairy People ever returning? Soon enough, soon enough… I promise. As for next chapter, I have two words for you: Psychological Evaluation. YAY! –KamqautBanana.
