Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Bleh… My creative inspiration seems to have jumped out the window on me lately… Sorrysorrysorry for not updating sooner! I'm still rather confused about the plotline of this story, but I'll muddle through and hopefully it will make some sort of odd sense. CUPCAKES TO ALL WHO REVIEWED; I love you people more then dancing technicolour kittens in tutus! That's right; THAT MUCH.

Thanks to: Snowy Leopardess (Isn't it odd how the hardest truths often come with the prettiest faces… ), jenn120 (Thanks again!), Tarnished Secret (Lol, poor Artemis indeed… Wait until I'm through with him! XD), LandUnderWave (Hmm, I'll check it out! Any other suggestions? I'm home sick and really need good books…), Ginji Of Thunder (Permission to eat sugar? ACCEPTED!), Tazzel Quickbow (Making up words is fun… My personal favorite is "insanitorium"), NC Ace (Flattery will get you… UPDATES! Hurrah), Steeple333 (Oops… Not really following the correct biological story here . … And yes, Alex is stupid ), padfootvfd (Argh, school. It just takes up valuable time that we could be using to read and update fanfics… THANK GOD FOR CAFFEINE), and elvengirl9 (Scary but good? Just what I was aiming for! ). -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.

(Sunday)

Artemis awoke early and clear-headed. She quickly showered (modestly averting her eyes, as she was still enormously uncomfortable with certain aspects of the 'new' Artemis) and dressed Fowl-casual in black pinstriped pants and a matching blazer (Juliet shook her head reprovingly, but the raven-haired girl paid no heed. She was still, after all, Artemis Fowl II). More and more since the… incident… the teen had felt herself drifting away from her former self. This both disturbed and excited her, in the way that a new haircut might.

Except that instead of a haircut, she had an entirely new gender to worry about.

She'd analyzed the situation and found that she'd been relaxing far too much in the last few days, and it was becoming a major concern. If she carried on this way -going to parties, singing in a band, hanging at the mall, buying things that sparkled, for God's sake- she might just lose herself completely, and the scariest part was that she didn't know whether she ought to burst into tears or clap her hands for joy at the thought.

So, she had decided. She would revert to familiar ways, for the time being, mostly to set her at ease as she carried out the next stage of her self-prescribed therapy. Generally, she held any sort of psychologist-voodoo-nonsense in the lowest disregard. However, desperate times called for desperate measures.

It was time to seek professional help.

-------------------

"So. You say you've been having these feelings for some time now, Ms…"

"Fowl. Artemis Fowl."

Artemis sighed exasperatedly as the stuffy woman seated across from her riffled through her papers, completely ignoring her client once again. She'd already been here for an hour, at least, with absolutely no progress. Everything the teen girl said seemed to go in one ear and out the other of Mrs. Pompendale, her registered psychotherapist. Including Artemis' name.

"Right… So you've been having these feelings for some time, combined with a severe headache and… And… I'm sorry, what else did you say you were experiencing, Ms. Poultry?

Artemis mentally groaned. "Insomnia. I said I was experiencing insomnia. And it's Fowl, not Poultry."

"Yes, yes of course Ms. Pullet… Well, I don't think there's anything particularly out of the ordinary about your case… Have you ever heard of the term 'homosexual'?"

Artemis grit her teeth. "Yes, but I am not homosex-"

Mrs. Pompendale leaned forward and patted the other girl's knee in what she no doubt considered a comforting gesture.

"Now dear, it's hard for some people to come to terms with their sexuality, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It's natural for some to be in denial, of course, but you really must accept that-"

"You don't understand, I'm really not-"

"Now don't go making excuses; you must recognize your inner self-"

"But I'm actually-"

"Gay? That's okay! In fact, it's perfectly normal-"

"No! I'm not a-"

"Heterosexual? Or maybe your bisexual? That's okay too, you know-"

"STOP!"

Mrs. Pompendale stopped mid-speech, her face flustering a mauve colour at this rude interruption. She adjusted her thick, no-nosense spectacles and patted her graying hair in its wispy bun, steadying herself.

"Now Ms. Capon, I really must insist that you do not yell in such an impudent manner-"

"STOP! Just stop right now, you clucking old hen!"

The woman in question gasped and fluttered her hands nervously, about to exclaim. However, her face suddenly took on a sympathetic look, and she gazed at her troubled client in deep understanding, which was in fact misunderstood.

"Now dear," she said gently, "It's natural for you to be a bit upset at this stage, and I know you want to take your anger out on me, but-"

This was almost more then Artemis could take at this point.

"Will you please SHUT UP for a minute and LISTEN to me, you tottering nitwit! I am NOT gay, although in present circumstances I may as well be. I cannot explain my entire situation to you, as no doubt your weak brain could not comprehend even a FRACTION of it, but it is suffice to say that I, Artemis Fowl II, am fully heterosexual and entirely uncomfortable in my current position. I mean, who would ENJOY being in love with their BEST FRIEND, who has absolutely no idea and doesn't even LIKE GIRLS? Especially when they're not even a girl, but through unfortunate events happened to LOOK LIKE one? D'arvit, I'm so SICK and TIRED of being judged by my exterior! Why can't anyone TELL that something's wrong; that this IS NOT me? It's not me! That… That is all I have to say."

Breathing heavily, fists clenched, Artemis took a seat once more, to glare wearily at the speechless woman opposite. And yet, as she surveyed the pink-pantsuit clad counselor seated behind the large mahogany desk, she noticed something that had remained hidden for the duration of her session, something only visible to her now: a gleam of sharp intelligence in the aged woman's eye.

"Thank you, Ms. Fowl," Mrs. Pompendale announced serenely, scribbling down some notes on her handheld palm pilot. "I believe we've finally made some progress. I'll be seeing you next week, then."

Stunned, Artemis mutely stood and trudged towards the door. Had she, with the highest IQ in all Ireland, really just been outwitted? And by a mere shrink?

Well. It seems she might finally have some respect for the profession.

A/N: Eep… Sorry for shortness of chapter and lack of humor… Although their was some nice Arty-going-nutso torture involved . I'm just quickly posting this before I forget/tire of the whole thing/drop dead from exhaustion, etc. Update soon to come, involving more twisted Arty/Alex/Naomi/Millie, I swear. Still can't decide whom Arty should live happily ever after with, though… That's the problem with using real people as characters, I guess! –KamquatBanana.