Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Ew. I suck. Feel free to pelt me with fish. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET THIS STORY WITHER FOR SO LONG! . To tell the truth, it wasn't that high on my list of priorities, so I kept putting it off, only to forget all about it. It was only thanks to you extremely wonderful reviewers that I crawled out from under my rock at all. Seriously. SooOoooo if anyone's still reading this, I hope I can continue to entertain in the form of some good old fashioned Arty-torture! Because really, who –doesn't- love watching poor little Arty suffer?

Thanks to: ALL OF YOUUUUUUUUUUU! Apparently I'm not allowed to write out all the names now? Ah well, I send giant hugs and cookies your way; YOU ARE MY EVERYTHINGGGGGG. -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: Doot-Dootle-Loot-Doo… DOO-DOO. Er… Don't-Don't!

Holly Short was starting to feel concerned. It had been weeks since she'd heard from Artemis, or even caught a glimpse of the mud b- er, girl. Since the plasma TV screen had busted (shortly after the sleepover episode), the fairies hadn't been able to watch the day-to-day happenings of Artemis, resulting in a disappointing lack of entertainment. Holly had assumed that the Irish millionaire, being the genius she was, would put the pieces together and realize the fairies were involved in her new 'make over', but noooo, she was far too busy primping in front of the mirror or gadding off with new friends to form IDEAS. As a result, the fairies were sorely out of touch with their aboveground correspondent, and it was beginning to piss Holly off.

Why should she care what happened to little-miss-mastermind? She had gotten herself into this mess, what with kidnapping Commander Ark Sool and all. She should get herself out of it.

But Holly couldn't help feeling the slightest bit responsible, and yes, the tiniest bit guilty. Had they been a wee bit too harsh on Artemis? After all, it wasn't as though the mud teenager had actually hurt anyone. And a sex change was a pretty drastic punishment… What if Arty was taking it badly? What if she needed help and had no way of reaching out?

Holly sighed and started packing her bag. It was time to pay a visit to a certain raven-haired girl genius.

Damn her soft-heartedness.

-------------------

The cause of Holly's concern was, at that moment, giggling in a rather undignified manner as she danced around on top of someone's kitchen table, wearing Fawny's nurse outfit and a pair of cat ears.

Naturally, the girl genius was extremely drunk.

The remnants of the Armani suit she had arrived in were scattered on the floor; the only sign of their ever having been worn by Artemis was the loosened necktie swinging from her open collar. She had arrived suited up primly and properly, at precisely eight o' clock. Millie had phoned her up and invited her to the party, hosted by some kid from school no one really knew and no one really cared to. It was the sort of thing Artemis loathed; a huge gang of wasted idiots yelling over the booming music and making absolute fools of themselves. But she eventually relented when told that Fawny, Naomi, Hilary and Caitlin would be there, as well as Millie herself. Alex fortunately could not make it, and that may have been what swung Artemis into agreement. Besides, her therapist had told her that she needed to get out more.

So here she was, shaking her groove thing for all to see. She'd lost the suit about half way through the night, and some time after her third cup of spiked punch. Not that she'd realized there was anything more potent in it than concentrated fruit juice, until her vision started to dodge about on her and she realized the floor was moving away from her.

"Go Arty! Go Arty!"

Someone was cheering her on, clapping and chanting her name. Artemis peered blurrily at the crowd and saw Millie in the center, whooping loudly. A small crowd was gathering now, to watch, Artemis supposed. She grinned like a lunatic and danced harder. A few other started to cheer. Artemis beamed. They liked her! They really liked her!

And then Millie was on top of the table too. They were dancing and dancing and the people were cheering and Artemis felt a rush to her brain, like the first time she went on stage. Adrenaline pumped through her veins and Artemis felt more alive then she ever had sitting in front of a computer, or skulking in a corner. She was in the center of the universe now, and she was loving every second of it.

Oh yes, Artemis was having an extremely hard time of being a girl.

-------------------

Holly had been tracking down the mud girl for the past hour, with no luck. After quitting the LEP recon squad, she'd been somewhat limited in her access to cutting-edge technology. No fancy scanners here. She was stuck with a rusty old helmet and her own good sense.

Obviously she'd gone to Fowl Manor first. It at first appeared that not only was Artemis out for the night, but the entire household had up and left, however upon further investigation Holly found Butler sipping tea in the study. He informed her that yes, Artemis had left for the night with some friends, and that Mr. and Mrs. Fowl were out to dinner to celebrate their first wedding anniversary in the last few years that involved both of them alive and sane, together. Juliet was apparently also out with friends, having been released from bodyguard duty tonight.

Holly frowned. She had to phrase this delicately, soliciting an answer without alerting Butler to any knowledge she may have of certain matters. "So, erm… How has Artemis been lately? She sounds… different."

Butler quirked an eyebrow and stirred his tea thoughtfully. "Well, if you're referring to the fact that she's out with friends instead of glued to her technology back at home, I suppose so. Artemis has actually been making quite a few new friends recently, since attending her new school. It's good to see her interacting with others her age. Unusual, but good nonetheless."

"Hmm… Yes… And have you, uh, noticed any other changes in her? Does she seem at all unhappy?"

It was Butler's turn to frown. "Not particularly. She actually seems rather happy, apart from a few mood swings. I assume that's normal for a teenage girl?"

Holly sighed. "Right, of course. Sorry for the interrogation. I just… worry. She hasn't been in contact recently, and I… Well I starting to feel anxious."

The large man smiled serenely and finished his tea. "Perfectly understandable. Artemis unplugged from the computer and on the loose is enough to make anyone nervous."

-------------------

The night had progressed into a swirling whirl of colour and sound. There was too much for Artemis' brain to hold, and thoughts kept spilling out of her head and flying away, never to be found again. She told this to Millie, who was sitting next to her on the couch.

"MyheadshflyingawayandIcantshtopitttt."

Millie laughed and patted her on the back. "Let it go then."

Artemis smiled goofily and leaned back against the couch. The ceiling was an odd colour. Sort of a green-ish puke offset by lime, with peeling cracks off to the side. It made her feel rather queasy, actually.

Suddenly her attention was diverted by a figure looming over her, smelling just as repellant as the last time they had met.

"Alright there, ladies?"

Artemis shuddered. Alex? But he wasn't supposed to be here… Was he? Her thoughts were so liquid-y and muddled that she couldn't be sure.

"Hi Alex." Millie remarked diffidently. "What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't make it."

Alex swept his hair back and tried to shoot a charming smile at the two girls, which only succeeded in making them reel back a bit. "Ah, well. My band- you know, the Poison Apples?- cancelled practice for the night, so I thought I'd swing by for the remainder of the night, see how you girls are doing. The backup guitarist is having a major meltdown you know, saying that I'm diverting all the attention from him, which is so not true so I was like dude--"

"Um. Yeah. Fascinating," Millie cut in. "Anyway, I have to… Go over there now. Coming Artemis?"

Artemis staggered upwards. The room was slightly tilted, standing up.

"How'd the little lady like to go for a spin around the dance floor?" Alex's voice rang out, but before the words could register she felt his hand gripping hers and towing her into the pulsating throb of people. And then they were spinning, and she couldn't find Millie, and she felt sick and hot and tired.

The last thing she remembered before passing out was Alex's face looming close to hers, his breath hot and beery on her face.

And then the world went very, very, dark.

-------------------

Holly was growing more agitated by the second. She had failed to locate the mud girl in any of her usual haunts, and no one seemed to know exactly where she'd gone. As time progressed and the night grew steadily darker, she felt the worry increase.

Where could Artemis be? It wasn't like the genius to disappear without a trace in the middle of the night. Holly wasn't even sure why she cared, except for an overwhelming sense that Artemis may be in trouble and she was responsible for causing such upheaval in her life. She just wanted to find Artemis and see if she was okay. And then… Maybe they'd talk about the whole gender issue.

But first, she had to find her.

A/N: THE SUSPENSE! Don't worry, I've already got the next chapter mostly typed out… Further posting tomorrow! And now I must go to bed, since it is past two o' clock in the morning and I can't type properly anymore. Night all! –KamquatBanana.