Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: I promised you another chapter, and here be it, in all of it's glory! I'll spare you from another long rambling Author's Note this time and just say that things are finally starting to wind down a bit now and there may not be many more chapters… We are approaching final countdown! -KamqautBanana

DISCLAIMER: I AM Eoin Colfer. Fear me.

Or not.

Lights were dancing in front of Artemis' eyes, flashing periodically in an otherwise dark and crowded room. She gazed around to find herself still at the party, only there was no music and no people she recognized, just a faceless mob surrounding her, dancing to an imaginary beat. Confused, the teen began to push through the crowd, searching for a familiar face in the throng of unknown partiers. Slowly she made headway to the center of the pack, where the others edged away to give her a circle of space.

Standing in the midst of this strange congregation, she suddenly noticed a tall figure looming over her; an oddly familiar scent encompassing him and tingling her senses. Her sense of danger, that is.

"Alright there ladies?" the being remarked in an overly charming voice. Artemis scowled as she realized just who this stranger was, and why the overpowering cologne was strangely familiar to her. She opened her mouth to make some snappy remark, only to find that she could not speak, despite her best attempts. She was mouthing the words but they wouldn't come out, rendering her completely and utterly mute.

"How'd the little lady like to go for a spin around the dance floor?" Alex continued, seemingly unaware of her plight. Artemis' eye twitched. HOW 'BOUT NOT! she screamed, but of course no one heard. Suddenly she found herself swirling around in a crowd of people, as Alex gripped her hand in a vice-like grip and swung her around. She felt sick with the heat and noise in the room, the overpowering stench of his cologne, the dizzy spinning and his sweaty hand still attached to hers, keeping her prisoner in this overcrowded room. It was all happening again. She thought she might be in hell.

Faces swum by: Hilary, Fawny, Caitlin, Millie, Naomi…. She found she could see them quite clearly among the faceless blobs. She struggled to reach out to them; to pull away from her overzealous dance partner, but she didn't have the strength to. And yet she felt there was something she desperately needed to tell them, something that could not wait one more second.

The music stopped, and Artemis was relieved to feel herself stop spinning. Gradually the room came back into focus. The first thing she saw was Alex, peering closely at her face. He was altogether too near to her. She saw his coy smile and heard him whisper, "A kiss for the fair maiden? Why certainly, this knight will oblige." And then he was leaning in closer, puckering his lips like a little baby about to cry and placing his hands on her face and…

Artemis screamed. Her mouth formed a giant 0 as she screamed and screamed and screamed, in horror, revulsion, fear, and disgust. But no one heard. No one even turned around.

And then she felt herself change. She wasn't sure how, or why, but she knew something was happening to her. She was undergoing some sort of transformation.

Alex opened his eyes a split second before there lips met. His eyes widened. And then he screamed, a horribly unmanly screech that echoed off the walls. As fast as he had come he was gone, vanished into thin air.

The last thing Artemis saw was the look on her friends' faces. It was a look of shock and horror, and fear, and betrayal.

And then she woke up.

Artemis gasped as her eyes flew open, causing the bright early morning sunshine to nearly blind her. Her heart was racing and her head was throbbing dangerously, threatening to explode.

"Ow," she managed to croak, forcing the word out of her parched throat. Instantly she felt something cool and wet press against her forehead, soothing and startling her all at the same time. The coolness eased a tiny fraction of the throbbing.

"Shh," a light voice whispered. "Try not to speak until I've got some liquids in you. And whatever you do, don't move."

Befuddled and more then a little hung over, Artemis obeyed. Soon she felt a blissfully icy drink trickled into her mouth, which she swallowed gratefully. It burned down the length of her throat, quenching that horrid dry feeling.

"'Ank you," she rasped with slightly more feeling.

"Your welcome," the voice replied. "You look awful, by the way."

Light pink hair hung down, tickling Artemis' face. She forced her eyes open to slits and found Naomi crouched over her, holding a damp cloth to her forehead and squinting at Artemis in the bright light.

"You must have been awfully smashed."

Artemis nodded blearily and made a mental note. Alcohol is not your friend. Never drink from an unattended punch bowl.

"I saw you at one point in the night, dancing on top of the table. Nice moves, by the way."

Artemis winced. She'd forgotten about that particular event. She'd forgotten a lot about last night, actually.

"Did I… did I do anything else?" she asked wearily, afraid to hear the reply. Naomi just smiled.

"I think you'd better have some coffee before I tell you."

Artemis heartily accepted the steaming mug handed to her and attempted to sit up.

"Ow, ow ow! D'arvit OW!"

"I did tell you not to move," Naomi said gravely.

The raven-haired teen huffed and managed to maneuver herself into a semi-upright position, kneeling against what appeared to be a bed. For the first time she recognized her surroundings. It was Naomi's bedroom, home of the long-ago sleepover. It appeared to have been transformed into a makeshift hospital room, complete with a little cot and blanket, and even a handy barf bag.

Artemis gripped the warm mug closer to her and, taking a sip (Ah… Heaven!), asked again, "What exactly happened at that party?"

Naomi paused to think. "We-ell… I didn't see much of you at the beginning, because I was upstairs with the rest of the girls. I'm not really much of a party animal," she confessed, "I mostly stay away from the crowds. So I didn't really see you until your suit was on the ground and you were on the table."

Artemis grimaced further and took a long gulp of her drink. Naomi continued, "The cat ears were a nice touch, I thought. And the dancing was… er… well, it looked like a lot of fun, at any rate. I'm guessing you'd tried the punch at that point?"

Artemis nodded mutely.

"I kind of thought so. The next time I saw you, you were talking to a bunch of older kids I didn't know. I think you called one of them a troll. They got pretty angry at that point, but you skipped away at that moment, fortunately. Then you made a brief reappearance in a lampshade, before talking animatedly to the plant for several minutes."

Artemis blinked. Oh God. It all felt vaguely familiar… Images were coming back to her now…

"Then you settled down and talked to Millie for awhile. I relaxed then, because I knew you'd be okay with her. But then Alex came swooping out of nowhere and started dancing with you."

Artemis' brain pounded harder. The dream. It was all coming together now. Oh no oh no oh no…

"I started walking towards you to help you out. You looked like you were having a right awful time of it, and starting to sway a bit. No one knew how much you had had to drink, but we started to worry then. And then Alex… He… He sort of leant in towards you…"

Oh no oh no oh no…

"He looked all serious and intent, and you were staggering in one place…"

Oh no oh no oh no…

"And then…"

"Yes…?" Artemis breathed.

"You… You threw up on him."

"Oh."

Artemis wasn't sure whether she should feel relieved or mortified. On one hand, she'd thrown up in front of a bunch of people she didn't know. On the other hand, she'd avoided kissing Alex, and really, who deserved to be puked on more? Relieved won over humiliated.

"Well thank God for small mercies," she sighed.

Naomi did her beat to stifle a laugh. "I don't think he'll be putting the moves on you any longer."

"And I couldn't be happier," Artemis retorted. Suddenly she remembered something. "Wait… I thought you, um, you know, 'liked' Alex?"

Naomi's expression quickly turned stormy. Artemis had the feeling she'd stuck her foot in a hornet's nest.

"Yes… Well… I did."

There was a moment of silence. Artemis decided to gently prod her along.

"But?"

"But… Well, let's just say, you weren't the only one he out the moves on that night."

Artemis nodded, waiting for the full story. Sure enough, it came out.

"Earlier, when me and the girls were upstairs, he corralled me into one of the rooms. He started saying all this crap about how he really liked me and I was always the one, and then he tried to kiss me."

Artemis felt her blood starting to boil.

"I was a bit surprised," Naomi continued. "I mean, he'd never shown that kind of interest before. We'd never even really talked, apart from corny pick up lines. He just likes hitting on everything that moves."

So she had noticed. Artemis felt oddly smug at that.

"I told him I'd rather be friends first, and he got all shifty and made some excuse about going back to the party. Later, I caught him making out with Fawny in the bathroom. And then even later, hitting on you."

Artemis processed this information slowly. Well, she'd always known Alex was a creep; this had just confirmed it. "Jerk Face," she muttered. It seemed the right sort of thing to say.

Naomi nodded. "Yeah… Well… I suppose we're all better off without him, really. I mean honestly, lead singer of 'The Poison Apples'? He acts as though he's God's bloody gift to Earth. More like God's bloody joke on Earth."

The girls laughed comfortably, and Artemis felt her headache lessen slightly due to the soothing drink and cheering atmosphere. Maybe, she thought, just maybe, everything will be alright after all.

A/N: Sorry if it got a tad sentimental… I'm trying to curb my instinct to gush, but so far it's failing terribly. OMIGOSH ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN CHOCOLATE CHIP MINT ICE CREAM! –GUSH!- …See what I mean? –KamquatBanana.