Title: I Feel Like A Woman
Author: Kamquat Banana
Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)
A/N: Eek! That was an altogether too long absence! I'm terribly sorry for my naughty, naughty updating tendencies (or lack thereof); real life keeps getting in the way. Damn real life. But I've squished all my excuses into a closet now, and have resolved to FINISH. THIS. STORY. Yes. That is exactly what I shall do. Ahem. And on a completely different note, I've finally "made it" as a Fan Fiction writer — 100+ Reviews and a genuine flamer! Albeit an inarticulate, semi-literate flamer with delusions of romance with a fictional character, but still! -gushes- I'm so proud. -Kamqaut Banana
DISCLAIMER: Ha! I'm stealing characters and there's nothing you can do about it! Nya-nya-nya-nya (-spots imposing lawyers with briefcases) – Erm, I mean… NOT MINE.
When Holly Short finally located Artemis, it was to find her safely at home, immersed in a game of solitaire. Her first reaction was one of fury; after searching all night for the mud girl, worrying she was in some terrible danger, the kid had the nerve to be PERFECTLY FINE! Why, she ought to…
But before Holly could formulate a plan to blast the Irish teen into the next century, the girl spoke.
"Ah, Holly. I was wondering when you'd see fit to check up on me," Artemis said wryly, barely glancing up from her cards.
The elf suppressed a growl. Artemis could be a complete brat at times… And yet…
"I'm just glad to see you safe and sound," she remarked, sighing. "You had me pacing back and forth all night, Artemis Fowl!"
The girl genius raised one immaculate eyebrow. "Did I?" she asked breezily. "My most profound apologies. I was a little… preoccupied."
It was Holly's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Doing what, may I ask?"
"That, dear Holly, is for me to know and for you to never, ever, find out."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
"Wanna Bet?"
"Holly… Why are you smiling like that? Holly? HOLLY! Agghhhhh Gerroff!"
Tickling. So much more effective then a Neutrino blaster.
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"So tell me Artemis… Why the long face?"
Artemis grimaced. Once again, she wondered what had possessed her to willingly see a counselor, after so many successful avoidances. So the great Artemis Fowl II can stage kidnappings, heists, and hostage rescue missions without blinking an eye, but being a girl for a few weeks sends her into a tailspin, the teenage mused silently.
Mrs. Pompendale didn't miss a beat, however, but prodded further. "Something wrong at home? Not sleeping well, perhaps? … Or could it be this mysterious issue I couldn't possibly understand?"
Artemis gulped. "Possibly."
The woman opposite nodded thoughtfully. After a pause, she murmured, "You know Artemis, whatever it is, you can tell me. I've heard a lot of things in my years as a therapist, some of it frankly unbelievable. But it's actually far less stressful if you just tell someone about it, instead of neurotically holding it in. Trust me. I know."
Artemis sighed. "Let's just say I've been having some girl trouble…"
And for the second time that day, the girl genius found herself spilling her guts.
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"…So basically I'm now stuck in the body of a girl with no plausible method of reversal, and my whole life has been turned upside-down and no one even realizes, and I think I may be in love with two of my best friends, but I don't know which one to choose and they think I'm a girl anyway, and this total jerk of a guy keeps hitting on my friends and I, and they all liked him until he made out with Fawny in the bathroom which is just gross, and to top it all off Holly – she's one of the fairy people – is visiting and if that's not stressful I don't know what is."
Artemis gasped for air and looked across the desk, where Mrs. Pompendale sat completely still, absorbing the current of words that had been flowing for nearly an hour now. Eventually she cleared her throat, looked directly in Artemis' eyes and said calmly, "Well. It seems you're a very complicated person indeed, Artemis Fowl." And then, with a flourish, she produced a slightly chipped china set. "Cup of tea?"
And Artemis suddenly knew it would all be okay.
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"Holly, I need you to help me."
"…"
"Please?"
"Words I never expected to hear from your mouth, Artemis."
"Pretty please?"
"Actually I think I'll just savor this moment for a minute or two. Do you by any chance have a video camera?"
"Holly…"
"Artemis…"
"FINE. Here's the camera. There's the recording button. PLEASE?"
"Hang on. You're not in focus yet."
"…!"
"Well it's hardy my fault fairy technology is far superior to your dinky mechanics. Oops! What's this button do?"
"That's the zoom feature. You are currently observing my thumb at supreme magnification. Genius, Miss Short. "
"Oh yeah? Well perhaps if Miss Fowl would like any help at all she should stop critiquing and start begging."
"…"
"Go on."
"PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE?"
"With a cherry on top?"
"With a cherry on top!"
"AND whipped cream?"
"AND whipped cream!"
"ANDDDD chocolate sprinkles?"
"ANDDDD… For Goodness Sake Holly, how much are you planning to eat?"
"Foot. In. Mouth."
"Oh! Erm, right. But seriously, you should consider your blood pressure before…"
"NOW."
"Yes, Holly…"
"Well?"
"ANDDDD with chocolate sprinkles."
"Very good! So, what is it that you require my assistance with anyway, Miss Fancy Shmancy Genius Pants?"
"Well, uh, it's to do with this MISS business…"
"I was afraid of that…"
"Surely there's a way to-"
"I'm afraid I really can't-"
"And you could just-"
"But it's just not possible-"
"However if you only-"
"D'arvit! I said NO."
"…"
"Look, Artemis. I feel for you. Trust me, I do. I went to the council-"
"You WHAT?"
"-And they told me that you could be turned back-"
"They WHAT?"
"-But I really can't interfere at all. Even hint. You're on your own, mud girl."
"I'm WHAT?"
"I'm sorry. I wish I could do more for you. But this is strictly a check-up visit, and already I've probably told you too much. I should go now, before one of Commander Ark Sool's underlings and devotees gets in here and busts my ass for human contact. It's forbidden now, you know."
"Wait… WHAT?"
A/N: Bleh. Sorry for the crappy shortness of chapters. My muse seems to reach a limit after a few pages… But hopefully next chapter shall explain all in lovely, long detail, as we venture forth into the FINALE. It's been a bumpy ride, folks… Thank you for strapping yourselves in! –Kamquat Banana.
