Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Oh dear. I am a horrible updater, aren't I? Feel free to, erm, draw funny mustaches on my portrait or something. I'm SO sorry this took such an enormously long time… I rather gave up on this story for awhile, since I couldn't think of a decent way to end it without making it disgustingly cutesy or depressingly emo… Hopefully I haven't drifted too far in either direction, although I will warn you this chapter does contain slight Angsty!Arty, as well as MILD femmeslash, so if that's going to offend you I recommend you stop reading now. However I did try to go for a slightly longer chapter, in the hopes of making up for my extended absence… I'M SO VERY SORRY! DON'T HURT ME! And now, presenting… The Penultimate Chapter! -Kamqaut Banana

DISCLAIMER: The characters do not belong to me. The plot most definitely DOES.

I went to the council… You could be turned back… I really can't interfere…

Holly's words swam in Artemis' mind like goldfish in a murky pond. Her head felt screwed on backwards, the world felt upside down, the sun felt negatively charged…

She could turn back into her former self. She could be a boy again, regain the life she'd known for a good fourteen years, turn back the clock and forget this temporary insanity…

It seemed rather sudden, as if the answer to her prayers had been dropped on her head from a great height. Well, maybe not an exact solution, per se, but the promise of an answer. She could do it. She could really do it.

But how? Holly didn't seem about to tell her, and if she wouldn't help Artemis, who would? Certainly none of the other Fairy people; she couldn't even get in contact with them thanks to Commander Ark Sool's final decree. And she couldn't ask anyone aboveground without being declared a nutter and chucked in the loony bin.

You're on your own.

And it seemed she was. As highly opposed as the girl genius was to all of this finding-the-answer-to-life's-troubles-deep-inside-your-soul nonsense, it seemed she was left with no other option. It was either that, or extended therapy sessions for the rest of her life.

And just like that, Artemis Fowl remembered that there was one person aboveground who just might believe her story.

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"…And so apparently I can turn back into a boy again but I have absolutely no idea how and I can't ask anyone for help and I really, really don't know what to do so I thought I'd just ask you and see if maybe you had any suggestions or if you think I'm utterly insane… Well?"

Artemis paused, flushed and nervous, as Mrs. Pompendale nodded ever so slightly and took a deep drink of tea. Sitting back and clasping her hands together, she seemed to regard Artemis over her spectacles, absorbing the information that had been hitting her at a steady pace since her youngest client had walked in the door.

Eventually she spoke, and it was not in an annoying sing-songy voice or poor-you tone adults often adopt when talking to teenagers as though they were especially dim-witted and delusional children. It was the steady manner of one who knows that some things, no matter how fantastical they may seem to an outsider, can be true, even if only to the person they concern.

"I believe your story, Miss Fowl."

Artemis let loose a breath of air she had not even known she'd been holding.

"However… I'm not sure how you expect me to help you."

The girl blinked. This, she hadn't anticipated.

"We-ell… I presumed that since you now have all the information at hand and we both agree that I am not a madwoman, we could proceed onto discussing tactics and solutions. You are an expert at solving other people's problems, are you not?"

Mrs. Pompendale smiled slightly, but it was with an air of sadness that she replied, "I do not claim to be an expert, nor do I claim to solve people's problems. I merely help people to discover the solution themselves, by talking them through the issue and providing an outsider's perspective. And as for your particular problem, Miss Fowl… Artemis… I'm not sure I can be of much help at all."

"But… But you said yourself, you help people discover the solutions themselves by talking them through it… Well great! Why can't we just talk through this and devise some means of getting me out of my current predicament…"

"I'm afraid that wouldn't do much good. I'd be happy to talk to you, Artemis, but I'm simply out of my depth here. This is not something we can simply strategize and outsmart into submission. I believe you are, regrettably, going to have solve this one on your own."

And so saying, she laid down her cup of tea and closed her eyes, as though suddenly tired.

Artemis gulped, trying not to sound as frustrated as she felt. "So that's it, then? There's nothing more you can do for me? No pearls of wisdom to lift me out of these troubled times?"

"I'm sorry, Artemis. I only wish I could help. If you ever need to talk… Well, you know where to find me."

Strike one against Artemis Fowl II.

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Artemis stalked out of her therapist's office and down the dizzyingly long flight of stairs, out of the building and into the blinding afternoon sunlight, muttering crossly.

So her shrink couldn't help her. No big deal. She could handle this itty-bitty problem on her own, couldn't she? She was, after all, a Fowl, and a Fowl could do anything they set their mind to.

Striding down the street, she tried to convince herself that it would be fine, just fine. She'd crack this code just like any other, and be right as rain in the blink of an eye…

Slumping to sit on a wooden bench on the side of the street, the Irish youth felt all of her compelling denials slink away from her, leaving her with the cold truth. She couldn't do this on her own. She'd never been able to do anything on her own, really.

And that's when it hit her. Her partner-in-crime and a whole lot more, her numero uno confidante, and an extremely good friend… It was time to have a little tête-à-tête with Domovoi Butler.

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Artemis hadn't really talked to Butler since her life-altering transformation. Caught up in the madness that her life had become, she'd found herself spending less and less time in the Fowl manor and more out discovering a different side to life. Not to mention the extreme embarrassment a conversation like the one she was about to have might contain.

But now, seeing him puttering around the kitchen in his cozy old slippers, she wished she'd kept to the promise she'd made to herself when Butler had stepped down as her official bodyguard: to spend as much time with the man as possible.

She'd nearly forgotten his warm, gentle, and altogether reassuringly sturdy presence, and the sense of calm she felt washing over herself when near him. He had a way of making even the most desperate of situations look hopeful; of restoring optimism with a single word. And, as an added plus, he was always on her side. She couldn't believe she hadn't confided in him sooner.

"Butler, I need… to talk to you. In private, please," Artemis added, upon noticing Juliet also skulking around the kitchen. She shot both of them a what's-all-this-about look and retired into the living room, taking a bag of crisps and an entire jug of milk with her.

Artemis got right down to business.

"Please listen to what I have to say and do not interrupt until I am finished. I swear to you that I am telling the truth and the entire truth, and if I am not, may… may… Holly Short zap me into oblivion with her Neutrino blaster. Now. For some time I have found myself in a most awkward position. Namely, that as punishment for my little escapade involving Commander Ark Sool, the People saw fit to change my gender, which had hitherto been male, despite what memories you may have been falsely fed by them; unto female. I thus find myself trapped in the body of a girl, with the mind and personality of my previous self; thus, essentially, a boy. Have I lost you yet?"

Wordlessly, Butler shook his head 'no'.

"Right. I was unsure, for a period of time, as to the properties of this enchantment, or whatever you will call it; and whether the effects were, in fact, reversible. Recently, a certain Miss Short came to call and informed me that I could, in fact, remove the affliction through some means she did not explain, merely saying that she could not help me in any way. My therapist expressed the same views, and so I find myself stuck, with the hopes that you, my old friend, can help me… I am only sorry I did not tell you sooner… Domovoi."

Artemis took a deep breath and waited for his friend's patient, steady voice to tell him that everything would be okay, and he only had to do this or that…

So it came as a bit of a surprise when Butler, having found his voice after a couple of minutes spent gaping at the girl sitting opposite him, remarked quietly:

"I believe Holly and your counselor were right to side-step out of this one."

It was Artemis' turn to gape. Was this the same man who had always stood by Artemis' side, an unwavering force of loyalty and guidance, should she need it? A mentor, a friend, and a helping hand whenever she felt herself slipping… And he thought it best to side-step?

"Surely you can help…?" Artemis found herself saying in an unnaturally small voice. Weak, almost. It was as though someone had knocked out her back-up defense strategy, leaving her open and vulnerable. If even Butler wouldn't help, then who…?

"I'm sorry, Artemis. This is one venture I'm afraid I can't be of assistance on."

And with a brief hug and a pat on the back, Butler left the kitchen, leaving Artemis white-faced and drawn. For the first time in her life, she seemed to be entirely… on her own.

Strike two.

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Artemis wasn't even sure where her feet were taking her until she wound up in front of Naomi's front door. Still not really thinking about what she was doing, feeling crazed and desperate and curiously numb, she rang the doorbell and tried to ignore the feeling of panic closing in on her.

"Oh hi Artemis! I didn't expect to see you today, but the more the merrier… Come on in and have some cupcakes; I've decorated them with some little icing llamas…"

Artemis allowed herself to be swept indoors by Naomi, who seemed to be in a very good mood and now had bright red hair, which bounced around like a fiery flame as she stuffed cupcakes into the other girl's hands. "I've just finished baking them, so they're still all warm and kind of squishy… Go on, eat up!"

Artemis half-heartedly took a bite out of one of the cupcakes. It tasted like pure chocolate-y sugar, which probably explained Naomi's cheerful high spirits.

Hastily swallowing, she managed to stutter, "C-can we… Talk?"

"Sure thing!" Naomi burbled excitedly. "Let's go to my room, only-" here she dropped her voice to a low whisper, "My mum's prowling around the living room… Here, grab a couple of cupcakes and keep it down until I shut the door. No need to arouse parental suspicion."

And, giggling madly, she began to crawl along the ground until they reached her bedroom, home to many a wild sleepover and looking as disheveled as ever. There were heaps of clothes on the floor, stacks of artwork by the door, and various odds and ends dumped unceremoniously on the unmade bed. Artemis nervously cleared a patch on the bed and sat down while Naomi stuffed some sort of sweater under the door.

"So… Why the frown, amigo?"

"Well… I…" Where to begin? Artemis wondered.

As if reading her mind, Naomi breathed excitedly, "Start from the very beginning. I can tell this is important."

And so, in a messy bedroom, amidst a pile of laundry and magazines and with Naomi's mother lurking just outside, Artemis began to tell the tale of exactly how she had come to know the underground civilization…

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"And I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this, except that you're one of my closest friends and I really don't have anywhere else to turn, so I'm really sorry to burden you with it all but I'd really, really appreciate some help and I just… I just don't know what else to do. Will you help me?"

Artemis finished the entire story for the third time that day and sat anxiously biting her lip, watching Naomi's face for signs of emotion.

The redhead was chewing on her fourth cupcake thoughtfully, nodding ever so slightly and rocking back and forth. Artemis wasn't sure if this was usual behavior or due to the improbable nature of her story.

"Well… Do you even believe me?" the girl genius asked, hesitantly.

Naomi paused and licked her icing llama. After what felt like an eternity to Artemis, she murmured., "I don't know."

"Um… Are you leaning towards any particular decision right now?"

"I… Well I'm just thinking out loud here… But it seems to me that whether I can believe in all of this is besides the point. The point is that I believe that you're going through it, and… And if there's someway I can help, I will. I mean, who's to say it's not real? Maybe it's only real to you, or me, or someone in Timbuktu, but that still means it's real to us… If it's what you feel."

Artemis paused. She wasn't sure if that was moderately wise or insane garble, but she accepted it gratefully either way. Naomi believed her…

"Thanks… So, uh, what do we do now?"

There was a pause.

"I think… I think you really need to address how you feel, first off. So, erm, how do you feel?"

"Apart from slightly sugar-high, rather insane, and a good deal embarrassed? Fine."

Naomi laughed. "Okay. Besides that. I mean about… You know. Being a girl."

"Well…" Artemis struggled to articulate exactly how she'd been feeling since waking up with an extra X chromosome. "Bloody confused, actually. I mean… On one hand, it's not so bad; I've got you lot as friends, I've settled into school, I'm not… I'm not so cold and self-reliant. I've actually had more fun these last few weeks then in my entire life. And I don't want to leave all that behind. But… I feel so utterly wrong. Out of place. Like I don't belong in this body any more then you belong in the body of a cocker spaniel. I want to get back to myself, before… Before I forget who I really am. Before I get caught up in this life and never return, or worse yet, do something to betray who I really am… Do something I shouldn't…"

Artemis swallowed and stopped herself abruptly. She hadn't meant to babble on like that. And she suddenly wasn't altogether sure it was a good idea to get into all of this right here, right now, with Naomi leaning in concernedly, placing a hand on her knee… Artemis could smell the other girl's light shampoo, mingled with the lingering scent of hair dye and a slight sprinkle of cupcake. Artemis involuntarily leaned closer just to smell it, and Naomi's bright red hair tickled her arms as she opened her mouth to speak, looking worried as Artemis drew closer still, bewitched by the way the sunlight from the open window cast shadows on her face and lit up her hair…

She really knew she shouldn't have kissed her. But it was worth it for that moment of sweet sunlight-infused, cupcake-enhanced heaven. It was less then a second, a brief meeting of lips, but for Artemis, it was both extreme ecstasy and pure agony.

Because now the jig was up. Now it was bye-bye friendship and moral support, bye-bye hopes of becoming a boy, bye-bye Naomi.

Artemis jumped up from the bed and fairly sped to the door. "I-I'm really… I… So… Sorry…"

And without waiting for a reply, she wrenched open the door and ran out of the house, ducking Naomi's astonished mother in the living room with a quick, "ThankssomuchforhavingmeMsSpenton!" She ran all the way down the street and didn't stop running until she had made it back home and collapsed on her bed, hiding under the sheets like she used to when she was a little kid. Where everything was safe and dark because no could find you, no one could hurt you; it was all okay…

She was alone now.

Strike three.

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It was several hours before Angelina Fowl found her daughter curled up in a little cocoon of blankets, the top sheet over her head like a tent to protect her from the elements. Softly, carefully, she pulled back the sheet to reveal Artemis' blotchy, tearstained face peering out at her.

"Mum," warbled Artemis in a tone Angelina had not heard for at least ten years, "Mum, I've made a horrible mess out of everything."

Angelina sighed and looked down at her nearly grown daughter, rubbing her nose desolately on a blanket and wiping tears from her face, and she did the very same thing she did with the crying, teething toddler over a decade ago. She swept Artemis up into a colossal hug, something she had not been allowed to do since her daughter had turned eight and read in some psychology book that smothering children with love led to dependence in later years. She hugged her until the last of the sniffling had stopped, and the snot had stopped flowing quite so readily, and then she asked what was wrong.

"I… I don't know what to do. No one will help me and I… I scared everyone away. And now I don't know how to do it by myself. I need help…"

This caused a new outbreak of sniffling from Artemis, but Angelina just smoothed down her daughter's hair and said gently, "I find that when a problem seems to big for you to tackle, you're often approaching it from the wrong angle."

Artemis went quiet as she considered this. Sitting up a little, she asked, "But… How am I supposed to…?"

"Think about it," her mother responded calmly, "And you'll know."

And she got up, kissed the top of her daughter's head, and walked serenely out the door, leaving Artemis to her thoughts.

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Artemis was not in the habit of being alone. She did not like being alone. And yet, for much of her life, she was alone. When her father was kidnapped and her mother unresponsive to life… All she had was Butler, and even he couldn't be there all the time. She had learned to cope on her own; to strike out against the big bad world and take what you could from it without getting burned.

Yes, she had faced many battles, private battles, on her own… In her own mind…

So what made this problem so daunting? Well, it was like nothing she'd ever faced before, that was for sure. But before she'd faced those other problems they were surely just as unknown? Her mother had told her to look at the problem from a different angle… To think about it…

Artemis had come up with many ingenious plans, foiled brilliant schemes and always used her brain to a ferocious degree. But had she ever really stopped to think about this particular predicament? No. She knew without hesitation. She'd been avoiding it all along, hoping it would just go away of it's own accord, or that someone else would solve it for her.

Everyone had told her… She had to solve it herself… It wasn't that they didn't want to help, it was that they couldn't… Only she contained the knowledge, the perspective, the emotionto decipher something so personal to her.

And all this time she'd been pushing it to the back of her mind, blanking out the very evidence that could restore her to herself… himself.

She just had to take a closer look.

Arriving breathlessly at her destination, Artemis cast a fervent glance around and hoped to God she'd guessed correctly. The mall was fairly empty for a weekend, with only a few elderly looking tourists wandering about the shops vaguely. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and withdrew the shiny copper '78 penny from her jeans pocket.

Here goes nothing.

Concentrating hard, she turned around and threw the coin over her shoulder, up in the air where it sailed smoothly towards the little golden bell at the top of the fountain…

And missed. It landed with a tiny splash in the water, to join thousands of other unfortunates at the bottom of the fountain. Whirling around, Artemis was just in time to see it land, waves of disappointment rippling outward like the ripples in the clear pool in front of her.

Batter out.

A/N: Right… Sorry to leave it here; I will still be posting one FINAL chapter, soon to come… Basically wrapping things up nicely and deciding the future of little Arty here, gender-wise. However now that I'm actually writing this story again I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE not to make you wait so long for an update! Tremendous love and llama-iced cupcakes to all those who continue to bear with me and read my increasingly late installments! –Kamquat Banana