Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Thank you, one and all, for continuing to put up with my sporadic updating tendencies and overall madness! This shall be the -gasp!- LAST chapter; as I'm ultimately too lazy to continue this story any further. SooOOOOOoo... Chocolate chip mint ice cream for all! -Kamquat Banana

DISCLAIMER: I'm a marshmallow.

And I don't own any of it. NYA!

Artemis Fowl Junior was still sound asleep when Angelina crept in to open the curtains and deliver a breakfast tray. Wrapped entirely in covers with only a wisp of hair poking out, the Irish youth was blissfully unaware of the sudden glare of sunlight filling the room, nor of the delectable smells wafting from the tray beside the bed.

Angelina regarded her sleeping child thoughtfully before tiptoeing out of the room and closing the door softly behind her. Best to let sleeping teenagers lie; and besides, after the traumatic events of yesterday Arty certainly deserved a proper rest.

So it was not until several hours later that Artemis awoke, and, feeling rather lethargic and yawning widely, began to tuck into the now-cold scrambled eggs and toast. After a leisurely breakfast in bed, the Fowl heir sighed and trudged towards the bathroom, remembering the events of yesterday and feeling a heavy weight descend once more.

Well, you win some, you lose some, Artemis thought glumly, reaching for a brush to tame the unruly mane of hair that the young millionaire knew, from experience, would be sticking up in all directions at once…

The brush wobbled in the air for sometime before Artemis realized that it was not making contact with anything.

Bloody mornings… Was the first thought that sprang to mind, as the genius struggled to wake up enough to perform this most basic of tasks.

But still the brush failed to reach hair of any sort. "Ow!" Artemis had managed to locate a shoulder, a neck, but no hair… Ah, there it was, further up then usual but there nonetheless…

Frowning, the Irish youth turned slowly to face the mirror hanging on the opposite bathroom wall. Was this some sort of surreal dream, or…?

Artemis' reflection stared back, looking bewildered and distinctly… unfeminine.

A scream sounded through the bathroom, and Artemis was ashamed to admit it was distinctly high-pitched. For a boy, that was.

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"MUM! MUMMMMMMMM! MUH-THERRR!"

Artemis raced down the stairs three at a time, leapt down onto the ground and swung around the banister into the living room. He skipped down the hallway, danced through the parlor and skidded to a stop in the kitchen, where Angelina Fowl was reading the newspaper and tapping her foot absent-mindedly to the radio.

Breathless, eyes gleaming and head spinning, Artemis babbled excitedly, "MUM! Look! I'm ME again! I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a BOY! I did it Mum, I followed your advice and it's all okay again, I'M ME!"

Angelina looked up, bemused, from her paper. "But of course you're you, darling. When were you ever someone else?"

"I-" Artemis paused. His mother seemed to have no recollection of her son's time spent as a member of the opposite sex, her eyes surveying Artemis with good-natured amusement. If the fairy people could make everyone believe Artemis was, and always had been, a girl, surely they could do the same thing now…?

"I- Never mind. The point is, I've never felt better. And it's all thanks to your advice, Mum."

Angelina beamed. "Glad to have helped. Although I must say, I'm not entirely sure what it was I did to inspire such confidence… Goodness me, I haven't seen you quite this happy since you finished reading that set of encyclopedias we bought you in grade four!"

At that moment Artemis Senior ambled in through the kitchen door, a laptop balanced haphazardly under one arm. "What's that, Angie? Ah yes, those encyclopedias… We couldn't drag you away from them for a month…" Chuckling to himself, he took a seat next to his wife and began to read the paper over her shoulder, before adding in a preoccupied tone, "I say, Arty; aren't you going to be rather late for school?"

Artemis took one look at the clock on the wall and swore under his breath. School. Right. Somehow he'd managed to forget about that little obstacle…

Dashing back up to his room, he found that all of the glitter-emblazoned miniskirts and brightly colored tank tops had returned to the boring row of stuffy suits. Feeling an unexpected sense of loss, Artemis glared at the ground, below which an entire race of fairy People were going about their business, and muttered angrily, "Couldn't you have at least left the polka dot rain boots?

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Feeling rather odd in his neatly crisp Armani suit, the boy genius ran out of the large, stately Fowl manor and strapped himself hurriedly into the limousine awaiting him. He wasn't sure why the mere sight of his closet was making him feel so wretched, almost as though he'd lost something he hadn't known he'd miss…

Pushing these disturbing thoughts to the back of his mind, he nodded a greeting to Butler, in the driver's seat, and Juliet, beside him.

"To St. Bartleby's, Sir?" Butler asked, smoothly pulling out of the driveway. Artemis blinked. Right. St. Bartleby's was the school he would be attending, now that he was restored to his former self…

He felt another annoying pang in his chest. Werthington wasn't all that bad, once you got used to it; and at least he'd had friends

Unbidden, images of the 'gang' resurfaced: Fawny, hitting things with her lunchbox gleefully… Caitlin, singing Spice Girls at the top of her lungs as Hilary rolled her eyes and thumped her affectionately with a handbag… Millie, recounting random Coca Cola trivia and mocking Alex in the bathroom, rolling around with laughter… Naomi, dashing into class late and befriending the new girl immediately… Inviting her to sleepovers and band practices, sharing secrets and girly gossip, painting her toenails and baking cupcakes…

Did they even remember Artemis, now that all memories of his former girliedom had apparently been wiped from the planet's memory? And if they did, what would they think of him now? They certainly wouldn't want to be his friend, if they knew the truth about who he really was…

Artemis gulped, a lump forming in his throat. He'd learned so much these last few weeks, had the time of his life and finally… let go. Lived a little. And it was all thanks to finally having friends.

How was he supposed to continue on without them?

You have to, he told himself sternly, you've been on your own before and it hasn't killed you yet. Besides, as if you could ever go back after messing things up so badly with Naomi…

Slumping back into his seat, he muttered, "Yeah. Take me to St. Bartleby's."

Butler nodded and the limo sped down the highway, overtaking other traffic at an alarming rate. His eyes were fixed to the road, but something about his posture and the question hidden in his earlier question struck Artemis as odd. Surely he didn't remember…?

"Er, Butler?" the Irish youth asked nervously, hardly daring to hope he was right.

"Yes?"

"Why… Why did you ask if I would be going to St.Bartleby's?"

Butler glanced at his former charge in the rear view mirror and Artemis could have sworn he saw the flicker of a smile flit across his face. "Well, I merely wondered if you might prefer another destination. I hear Werthington's always has room for further pupils…"

Blinking rapidly, Artemis struggled to make sense of the situation. His analytical mind was already going into overdrive, telling him that what he was thinking right now was crazy; why should this make any difference upon him whatsoever? And yet his heart rate had quickened, he was breathing faster, and he couldn't deny the flutter of excitement he felt at Butler's words.

Feeling impulsively rash, Artemis replied, "I do believe a change of scenery might do me some good. Butler, if you could be so kind…?"

"Certainly, Artemis."

Juliet stared at the two of them, her brow furrowing as she took in the smug, knowing look on both of their faces. "Alright… What exactly is going on here?" she asked peevishly.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Artemis replied calmly.

"Perhaps Artemis is feeling not entirely… himself."

Juliet looked even more mystified as the two erupted into hearty chuckles at this. Raising her eyes to the ceiling and turning to the window, she muttered, "Boys…"

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Artemis took a deep breath as he stepped out of the stretch limousine and stared up at what would once again be his new school. There were no students milling around the outside, as it was well past the start of classes; only a few hardcore smokers were huddled in the field nearby, shuffling their feet and lighting up.

Letting the breath go and mentally preparing himself for the worst, Artemis jogged up the building's steps and towards his first period, English Honors. He was, of course, dreadfully late, and the room was at the opposite end of the school, so he was not surprised to find no seats available when he burst in, disheveled and panting slightly.

"And you are…?" Mrs. Brettany peered over her spectacles inquisitively, taking in the messy-haired, designer suit-wearing boy in front of her. He seemed oddly familiar, but she couldn't figure out why…

"Artemis Fowl. The Second," Artemis mumbled, aware of the entire class staring at him open-mouthed.

"I see. Well Mr. Fowl, I'm afraid I do not see you on my attendance list…"

"I'm new," Artemis interrupted hurriedly. "Today's my first day. I may not be properly registered in the school system yet."

Mrs. Brettany raised an eyebrow but did not question him further. "Well then I suggest you take a seat, Mr. Fowl. Class began forty-five minutes ago."

Artemis glanced around frantically. Yes, there were the usual gaping faces, a few snickers, and of course no empty desks to be found…

And there, just as he'd known she would be, sitting in her usual desk and looking slightly bored while twirling a strand of red hair absentmindedly around her pencil, was Naomi.

Artemis pulled up a seat next to her desk and smiled, searching for signs of recognition, of friendship, or possibly of disgust…

Naomi blinked and looked up. Her face twisted into a look of confusion for a split-second before she smiled and announced cheerfully, "Hi! I'm Naomi. Naomi Spenton. Welcome to Werthington, the crazy school."

Artemis had the weirdest feeling of déjà vu. Pins and needles were tracing his spine as sweat formed on his upper lip. "Um… Hi. I'm Artemis Fowl II… No plans for a third…"

Naomi laughed gleefully and clapped her hands together hyperactively. Peering closer at his face, she asked quizzically, "Do I… Know you from somewhere?"

"Maybe."

"Hmm.. No wait, let me guess… Are you that pizza guy on the corner who always wears his hat over his face so the zombies won't eat it?"

Artemis laughed. "It's entirely possible. Or I could be some crackpot door-to-door salesperson in my spare time, who's only life ambition is to take over the world from blue-tongued aliens."

Naomi bounced up and down in her chair happily. "Oh, you really have to come eat lunch with me… Wait until the others meet you… It'll be SPIFFERIFIC!"

Mrs. Brettany marched over, trying to maintain an air of authority but smiling in amusement. "Miss Spenton, Mr. Fowl, I would ask that while you remain in my classroom you remain focused on your text books. Page seventy-two."

Artemis grinned and opened his textbook, getting out a new piece of paper to write on. He had been given a fresh start, another chance at this craziness called life.

And he sure as hell wasn't going to mess it up this time.

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Foaly made a great sweeping gesture and announced in a falsely breathless voice, "Isn't it romanticcccc?"

Holly stifled a laugh and responded in an equally gushing tone, "Ooh yessss! Arty and Na-o, sittin' in a tree… K-I-S-S…"

A small sniffling noise distracted her from her outright mockery. She glanced over to see Chix Verbil snuffling and sniffling as he stared, transfixed, at the plasma TV screen broadcasting Artemis and Naomi's flirtation.

"You have got to be kidding me…" Holly muttered incredulously.

Chix wiped his eyes hastily with the back of his hand. "What? I'm not… It's not… It's allergy season, okay!"

Foaly was staring at Chix now, too, a look of utter glee on his face.

"Um, Chix?" Holly snorted. "We don't have allergens underground."

"Oh, this is rich…" Foaly was snickering evilly.

"I- I- OH all RIGHT! I happen to think it's very… moving," Chix mumbled, eyes still glued to the TV, where Naomi seemed to be persuading Artemis to wear something other then a suit every single day.

Foaly and Holly erupted into outright laughter. Howling, clutching their sides, leaning against each other for support…

"Ooh," Chix said, tearing his eyes away from the screen for the first time. "Do I sense our very own underground romance taking place? Foaly and Holl-y, sittin' in a tree…"

Chix suddenly found himself tackled to the ground, pinned underneath an extremely irate elf and a rather heavy centaur, who was threatening to crush his wings at any second.

"Eek! Alright! I surrender, I surrender…"

"Good," Holly said menacingly, getting up. But upon closer inspection, her face was flushed an unusual shade of red, comparable only to Foaly's unnatural blush.

Chix chuckled quietly to himself. Oh yes, romance was in the air…

A/N: And that, dear readers, is where I'll leave you to form your own conclusions. I'm sorry if this wasn't all-inclusive enough to satisfy; if, and only if, an epilogue seems to be needed I will add one. Well, that's it for me… Thanks so very much for traveling through the delusional swamp I call my mind. Toodles! –Kumquat Banana