AN/ whoo hoo! School holidays! Yay, which means lots more time for
Fanfiction and the Sims. But all you guys should care about is the fact
that I wrote a new chappie especially for you.(
Reviews. *Sigh* how I love them. Keep them coming guys! Thankyou a bazillion times. But, I figured you would rather have this chapter sooner without replied to the reviews rather than later, so if yu want replies, you'll have to wait until next time.
Disclaimer: anyone with half a brain might have worked out by now that Lamoo owns nothing of value in this fic, but Lamoo on the other hand, has no brain, let alone half of one. She still thinks she owns everything in this fanfiction, and everything in the world for that matter. Poor twisted Lamoo.
And voting is still open, think of a good name for this fic and you'll get an extra long, special cameo.
And just for your information, I have nothing against Haldir. He is wonderful and PJ is an evil, evil dude for killing him off. Legolas just gets pissy at Haldir in this chapter.
Oki doki then, here is chapter 4. Hope everyone enjoys it!
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Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, it was decided that paintball was to be the activity that afternoon, Legolas left his keys inside, Aragorn got hit on the head with a cricket bat and a mysterious intruder was making suspicious noises in the fellowship's kitchen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Pippin gulped nervously and squeezed his blow up pool toy. "You go first," Pippin said to Merry.
Merry shook his head wildly. "Shut up Pippin, let Legolas go." He replied. "Besides, who would you rather have eaten? Your best friend? Or a pissy elf who bit your kneecap."
Legolas heard what was being said and turned around to give the hobbits a murderous glare. The elf gripped the handle of his bat tighter and silently volunteered to emerge first. Sounds of saucepans clanking and water sloshing were coming from the kitchen.
Gimli strode up to stand beside the elf. "Don't worry lad," he said. Legolas sneered in reply.
Then Legolas and Gimli raised their weapons high above their heads, Gimli's rake almost smacking the elf in the chin.
"Just go already!" muttered Frodo.
Legolas gulped. "But what if it's fan girls?"
Merry grinned. "If it is fan girls, just smile and ask them nicely to get out of our house." He said. "Use the blonde elf charm."
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "And if it's anyone else, I'll hit them with this," he said, brandishing his cricket bat. "Wish us luck." He added before disappearing around the corner.
Gimli came charging in next followed by the hobbits and Gandalf bringing up the rear. Frodo stopped in his tracks and actually laughed when he saw what was going on.
Jack Sparrow was busy washing a saucepan while Will was loading the dishwasher. Haldir was with them, the elf licking plates clean then putting them back in the cupboard.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!??" roared Legolas. To Pippin, Legolas reminded him strongly of his mother the nights where Pip's dad came home from the Green Dragon completely pissed with a couple of mates.
Jack dropped his saucepan into the sink of water with a splash and water sloshed all over the kitchen floor. Will dropped a plate and it smashed all over the floor before he cowered back against the wall. Haldir continued to lick the plates clean, un fazed by Legolas's screaming.
Jack trembled. "We w-were j-j-just cleaning up." He stuttered. Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Our kitchen on our ship blew up and we wanted some breakfast," added Will helpfully. "So we came over here to ask if we could borrow your microwave, and Haldir was already here, pulling the shoelaces out of every pair of shoes in the house. You guys weren't here so we figured you wouldn't mind if we cooked some brunch, and cleaned up after ourselves,"
Then, all of a sudden, Aragorn stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his head. "Whas goin on?" he slurred. "An why duz my 'ead hur' so mush?"
Haldir giggled and smashed a plate over Aragorn's head, causing the ranger to drop to the ground again, out cold.
Legolas smiled. "For once, that was a very intelligent thing to do Haldir," he told the other elf. "But more to the point, why were you taking out the shoelaces of every shoe in this house?"
"I wasn't," squeaked Haldir. "I was putting more red ink in your shampoo bottle."
Legolas went the same colour as his hair and everyone thought that steam was coming out of his ears. Haldir sensed that he'd said something he shouldn't have and began to back away. Legolas however lunged, screaming his lungs out, yelling obscene things at Haldir. The prince of Mirkwood pummelled Haldir, the latter screaming like a chipmunk.
"Hey Pip," whispered Merry as everyone watched Haldir take a serious beating. "Wanna get some popcorn?"
Pippin nodded eagerly and the pair of hobbits edged their was around the kitchen to where Will and Jack were sitting on the table munching on some popcorn. Merry snatched the pack away from the pirates and he and Pippin scurried away, leaving Jack and Will to eat imaginary popcorn until it registered with the pair that their supply had been snatched away.
"Damn hobbit," muttered Will as he reached for an apple in the fruit bowl. "Ow, that would have hurt," he added as everyone watched Legolas's foot connect somewhere where no male should ever be kicked. Haldir squeaked in pain and went cross-eyed.
Legolas panted as he sent another sweeping kick, his foot kicking Haldir around the head. "That will teach you never to mess with my hair," he spat savagely. "If I ever catch you near my stuff again," he added, pausing for dramatic effect. "I will not hesitate to kill you." Haldir squeaked, obviously unable to say anything else. "Now get out." Said Legolas. Haldir hurriedly limped out of the kitchen and ran away.
Legolas turned to face the pirates. "I hope you two had nothing to do with my shampoo and a bottle of glue." He said in a would be calm voice.
Jack and Will shook their heads. "No sir," they replied obediently.
Will smiled sweetly. "And if it would not be too bold to say, your hair does look very fetching."
The hobbits snickered behind Legolas's back, and luckily for them, the elf did not hear them. Aragorn stirred again.
"Oh look, he's waking up, we'd better be going," said Jack quickly. "Thankyou, ta ta," he added before he and Will fled out of the kitchen. Gimli watched out the window and grunted in surprise when he saw a pink cardboard box floating in the middle of the pool.
"Why is there a box in the pool?" Gimli asked Gandalf, who had come to stand beside him and was watching as Will and Jack vaulted into the box/boat and began to paddle away to the other side of the pool with pool noodles. Gandalf shrugged.
Outside, Will and Jack were having a bit of difficulty making their boat sail. For one, the box wasn't very big, two, it was made of cardboard and was all soggy and three, two pirates in a box is enough to make the boat sink.
"Man over board!" hollered Jack as their box began to sink. Will muttered something but it was drowned out as the pair of pirates sunk under the water.
All the while the fellowship had been watching from inside and all of them laughed. Apart from Pippin, who wasn't tall enough to see through the window.
Aragorn rubbed his head again. "My head hurts, I'm going to lie down." He remarked.
"No you're not." Legolas replied. "You're supervising the hobbits and Gandalf along with Lamoo and her friends, while they play paintball."
Aragorn whimpered in protest. "Do I have to?" he wanted to know.
Legolas shrugged. "Dunno, either that or you can come shopping with me."
"I think I'll come with you," answered the ranger. "Gimli can supervise. Either that or you let them all go wild while you go and get a pedicure."
Legolas smiled at the prospect. "All right, Aragorn, you're coming with me, every body else, the session starts in an hour."
"I thought you said it was supposed to be this AFTERNOON." Remarked Sam.
Legolas nodded. "It is," he replied. "It's already two o'clock."
Everyone looked shocked that the day had flown so fast. Frodo shrugged. "Fine then, let's go."
"But what about lunch?" Merry spoke up.
"We'll go to maccas." Suggested Gimli. Everyone cheered, especially Legolas, who was very glad indeed that he would be rid of the hobbits, the dwarf and strange twisted Gandalf for the whole afternoon.
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger hurried out the door. Aragorn frowned. "How do they expect to get there?" he asked.
Legolas shrugged. "No idea. One thing's for sure; no one's driving my car. Merry crashed it last time."
"But Frodo and Gandalf are the only ones that actually have cars. And I wouldn't trust Gandalf to drive sensibly. I suppose all of them could go in Gandalf's VW, Gimli could drive."
Legolas nodded. "Not our problem. Let's go, I want to get my hair done as soon as possible."
"Right," muttered Aragorn as he grabbed his wallet and keys. Legolas picked up his own bundle of keys and sauntered out the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger arrived at the paintball place a little while later. After about ten minutes trying to get the car parked straight, Gimli opened the door and hopped out, followed by the others.
"Looking forward to this Pip?" Merry asked his buddy. But Pippin wasn't concentrating. The hobbit's eyes were all glassy and he was grinning stupidly.
"Pippin?"
Pippin made no reply, but continued to stare at something.
"What are you looking at?" asked Sam.
Pippin beamed and trotted over to the dumpster that was in the car park. He picked up something small and mouldy, rather brownish and hugged it close.
"Put that down Pip," said Frodo. "What is it anyway?"
"I think it's a mouldy parsnip." Replied Gimli. "Put it down Pippin, we'll be late."
Pippin glared at Gimli. "Don't be mean to Percy."
"Who's Percy?" Gandalf wanted to know.
Pippin held out Percy the parsnip for all to see. "Say hello Percy," Pippin said. The hobbit hugged the mouldy vegetable close again.
"Pippin," said Frodo gently. "That is a parsnip. Put it back in the garbage and come with us."
Pippin's eyed welled up. "Never," he choked. "I could never abandon Percy,"
Merry shook his head exasperatedly. "Pip, you are not bringing that stinking, mouldy vegetable to play paintball."
"If Percy cant come, I'm not either," declared Pippin resolutely.
"Fine," chorused the others as they turned their backs on Pippin and began striding through the doors.
"Good," Pippin told Percy. "It's just you and me now."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By now, Legolas and Aragorn were at the mall. Bags already weighed down Aragorn's arms considerably, all containing some new thing Legolas had bought. Whether it be a nice new pair of jeans, a pair of strappy high heels or a nice bottle of yummy, but strange, smelling cologne.
"Ooh, look at that," squealed Legolas, as he saw a brightly coloured cushion for sale in a home wears store.
"Legolas," grunted Aragorn, "you don't need any more crap."
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "That is a cushion, not a turd." He told Aragorn. The ranger only sighed. Legolas skipped into the store and set about looking at various things. Soon he had an armful of purchases and was making his way over to the counter.
"That all?" asked the salesgirl sarcastically as she saw piles and piles of things tipped onto the counter.
"Well actually," began the elf, "there's a very nice candle holder over there, mind if I just pop over and get it?"
"Not at all," replied the salesgirl dully.
Legolas grabbed the blue sparkly candleholder and sauntered back over to the counter. He and the ranger waited while the girl loaded their purchases into bags. Legolas handed them all to Aragorn, who was not pleased that he had to carry another twelve bags on top of the fifteen he was already carting around.
"That'll be six hundred and forty five dollars and twenty five cents," droned the sales girl, hitting a few buttons on the cash register. "And because you spent over fifty dollars, you qualify to enter our holiday competition."
"Cool," replied Legolas as he handed over his well worked out credit card. "What do you win?"
"A trip for you and ten friends to the destination of your choice, two weeks accommodation and $5000 spending money."
"Wow, that sounds cool." Mused the elf. "Can I enter?"
"Knock yourself out," the salesgirl told Legolas, actually hoping he would take that phrase literally. Sensing that he would not, she slid the entry form over towards the elf. Legolas pulled his pretty silver pen and filled in the entry form.
"Ok, now what?" asked the elf.
"Well done sir," droned the sales girl. "You have won the competition."
"Wow, that was quick," exclaimed Legolas delightedly.
"Whatever," replied the sales girl. "The competition closes today and in the past year while the comp was running, you were the only person to make a purchase over fifty dollars in this store, thus the only person to enter the competition."
Legolas beamed happily before turning to Aragorn. "Where should we go?" he asked.
"Back to the car," replied Aragorn, his arms groaning under the weight of the bags.
Legolas sighed. "Fine, let's go." The elf took the lead and strutted through the mall, flashing white-toothed smiles at anyone who commented on his hair.
"I thought you were going to get your hair done?" Aragorn said to the elf as he dumped the armfuls of bags into the backseat of Legolas's car.
The elf shrugged. "I was," he replied. "But I quite like it red. For one thing, maybe some of those rabid fan girls wont notice me, and also, there is a very pretty elf who works at the vacuum cleaner store." Legolas locked the car and he and the ranger made their way back into the mall for a bite to eat.
"So, what about this elf?" inquired Aragorn. "Who is he?"
"Excuse me, I thought you said who was HE," said Legolas.
"I did," answered the ranger with a raised eyebrow.
Legolas shook his head. "Don't be stupid. You don't know how much it irritates me to be labelled a poof."
"Well I do actually, you should see how many slash fan fictions there are out there with you and me featuring as the main, erm, characters."
The elf and the ranger shuddered in unison. "Disturbing," muttered Legolas as he and Aragorn strode past various shops, the elf gazing into the windows with an expression of mild interest. Soon they came to a little café, where it seemed, Legolas was a regular. "Table for two please," he called out to a waiter. The pair was shown to their table and Legolas ordered some coffee and a treacle tart before continuing the conversation.
"Estel," the elf began.
"Hmm?" came the reply as Aragorn stuffed his face full of chocolate cake.
"What made you think that this elf I was talking about was a bloke?"
Aragorn shrugged. "Ocu trike mas etie." He said, his mouth full.
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "What was that?" he asked, arching a dark eyebrow gracefully. "And don't talk with your mouth full, you sprayed me with chewed up cake and slobber."
"Shorry," came the reply. Aragorn swallowed. "I was saying that you just sometimes appear a little gay."
Legolas looked taken aback. "How?" he wanted to know.
Aragorn took a swig of his coffee. "Well," he said, putting the cup back on the table. "Need I mention the obsession with shopping and clothes, hair, movies with Johnny Depp in them, not to mention almost everything that you have bought recently looked as if it would suit Arwen's bedroom better than yours."
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Is it my fault that I have impeccable taste and like to look good?"
Aragorn shook his head. "Spose not." He replied, draining his coffee cup. Legolas nodded and finished the last of his own coffee, chatting with the ranger mildly about various subjects such as general interest magazines and patchwork.
Aragorn payed for their coffee and cake before he and the elf set off again to wander around the mall. "So," began the ranger awkwardly. "Who's this girl?"
Legolas grinned stupidly. "If I told you I'd never live it down."
"How come?" Aragorn wanted to know.
Legolas shrugged. "Cos you'd tell Lamoo and then she'd persist in writing a Mary Sue featuring me and this person."
"Fair enough," replied Estel. "So, where are we gonna go now that you've won a holiday."
The elf shrugged. "No idea," he answered, his feet carrying him over to a store. "What do you think of these?" he asked Aragorn, holding up a pair of faded blue jeans.
The latter shrugged. "They're nice," Aragorn said mildly. "But you already have forty five pairs of jeans."
"So?" came the reply as the elf picked up a few more items of clothing and carted them over to the cashier. "As for our holiday, somewhere tropical would be nice."
The cashier took the credit card Legolas handed him and loaded the elf's purchases into a bag, shooting the elf strange glances as Legolas talked about 'our' holiday with Aragorn. "Thankyou," Legolas said briskly, picking up his purchases and stalking out of the store, Aragorn tagging along behind.
"We could go to Hawaii." Suggested Aragorn. "That sure is tropical."
Legolas wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Nah, been there already. Somewhere new would be nice."
"You could always just stop by the travel agent and grab some brochures." Suggested Aragorn with a shrug.
"Why not," replied the elf briskly, quickening his pace. "Perhaps Bali, I hear they do nice hair braiding and the shopping is wonderful,"
"Maybe," mused the ranger thoughtfully. "Or Malaysia, Thailand perhaps."
"Maybe," answered the elf as he slipped into the travel agent for a minute to grab some brochures. When he returned, he handed a fistful to Aragorn, who flipped through a few.
"Why did you get a brochure about the Swiss alps?" Estel asked.
Legolas shrugged. "I thought it might be better if we went skiing."
"Personally, I like the idea of warm sun, sand and sea better, rather than hobbits feeling tempted to put snow in my underwear."
Legolas snickered, recalling a time where Merry and Pippin had indeed done that. The elf regained his composure and nodded. "Yes, somewhere warm definitely, I need to work on my tan."
"And you tell everyone you're straight," muttered Aragorn under his breath
Legolas chose to ignore that comment. "How long is it since you've had a massage and a manicure?" Legolas asked the ranger suddenly.
Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "Never had a manicure," he began and there was an audible gasp from the elf. "As for massage, Arwen gave me one once and I hardly count her walking on my back a massage,"
Legolas nodded. "Right then," he murmured. "Then I guess we're going to get a massage and a manicure,"
"If you wouldn't mind, I'd rather not." Replied the ranger.
Legolas arched an eyebrow. "Why not? My shout,"
Aragorn decided that it couldn't be too bad, plus Legolas just offered to pay. "Why not." He said.
Legolas flashed a white-toothed smile and links arms with the man before towing him off towards the health spa and beauty salon that was so conveniently located just a few shops down.
"We can be manicure buddies!" said Legolas happily as they sauntered into the store. "French manicure and a two hour massage and facial for two please," he said politely to the girl at the counter.
She looked up from filing her fingernails and nodded. "Will you be paying my cash or credit card?" she asked. Legolas flicked over his well-used credit card and she took it. "Just go into that room there and the masseuses will be with you in a moment."
Legolas took back his card and smiled. "Thankyou very much," he said jauntily before he towed Aragorn into the room.
Aragorn gazed awkwardly around the room. The room was decorated tranquilly and some soft, relaxing music was playing. Two massage tables were in the middle of the room.
"What now?" the ranger asked, not sure what he should do next.
Legolas put his hands on his hips. "What do you think?" he asked.
Aragorn shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "Dunno," he replied. "Dance around in a yellow tutu," he teased.
The elf rolled his eyes and suddenly two masseuses entered. Legolas beamed at them. "Please excuse my friend, he's never had a decent massage before, he might be a little jumpy."
"Jumpy? Why would I be jumpy?" piped up the ranger, who was beginning to look more like a frightened rabbit rather than a brave, strong king of men.
One of the masseuses gestured to the table bench bed things. In a matter of seconds, Legolas was lying comfortably on his stomach on one, shirt off.
"I am not taking my clothes off," squeaked Aragorn, hugging his own clothes as close as possible.
"Don't be a baby Aragorn, just take of your shirt and pants and lie down on the table." Said Legolas.
"My pants?!" replied Aragorn.
Legolas let go another exasperated sigh. "Yes, you'll still have your boxers, just lie down and shut up, you're giving me a headache."
Aragorn gulped nervously and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. He took as much time folding it and putting on the bench as possible before he threw off his jeans with the grass stains on the knees and chucked them on top of the shirt. He timidly shuffled over and climbed up on the bed table thing. There he sat, cross-legged, waiting for the next instruction from Legolas. However, the elf wasn't paying much attention at the moment, sighing contentedly as the masseuse rubbed massage oil on his back.
"Lego?" Aragorn squeaked.
"Mmm hmm?" came the reply.
"What now?"
"Lie down on the table you idiot," the elf said crossly. "And don't talk to me for the next hour and a half,"
"But,"
"Shut up Estel," interrupted the elf again.
~*~*~*~*~*~***~*~*~*~*~*~*
So while the elf was relaxing and the ranger was rocking backwards and forwards in nervousness, the rest of the fellowship was having a wonderful time playing paintball.
More on that later
TBC
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AN/ nice long chappie for everyone. And yes, I have had a massage before; I think I was more like Aragorn. XP
Hehe, it wasn't so bad, but enough on my massage experiences. Hope this chapter passed everybody's criteria. oh how nice Leggie is without a shirt. *Grins happily* mmmmmmmmm *sigh*.
Don't forget to read and review. Love Lamoo
Reviews. *Sigh* how I love them. Keep them coming guys! Thankyou a bazillion times. But, I figured you would rather have this chapter sooner without replied to the reviews rather than later, so if yu want replies, you'll have to wait until next time.
Disclaimer: anyone with half a brain might have worked out by now that Lamoo owns nothing of value in this fic, but Lamoo on the other hand, has no brain, let alone half of one. She still thinks she owns everything in this fanfiction, and everything in the world for that matter. Poor twisted Lamoo.
And voting is still open, think of a good name for this fic and you'll get an extra long, special cameo.
And just for your information, I have nothing against Haldir. He is wonderful and PJ is an evil, evil dude for killing him off. Legolas just gets pissy at Haldir in this chapter.
Oki doki then, here is chapter 4. Hope everyone enjoys it!
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Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, it was decided that paintball was to be the activity that afternoon, Legolas left his keys inside, Aragorn got hit on the head with a cricket bat and a mysterious intruder was making suspicious noises in the fellowship's kitchen.
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Pippin gulped nervously and squeezed his blow up pool toy. "You go first," Pippin said to Merry.
Merry shook his head wildly. "Shut up Pippin, let Legolas go." He replied. "Besides, who would you rather have eaten? Your best friend? Or a pissy elf who bit your kneecap."
Legolas heard what was being said and turned around to give the hobbits a murderous glare. The elf gripped the handle of his bat tighter and silently volunteered to emerge first. Sounds of saucepans clanking and water sloshing were coming from the kitchen.
Gimli strode up to stand beside the elf. "Don't worry lad," he said. Legolas sneered in reply.
Then Legolas and Gimli raised their weapons high above their heads, Gimli's rake almost smacking the elf in the chin.
"Just go already!" muttered Frodo.
Legolas gulped. "But what if it's fan girls?"
Merry grinned. "If it is fan girls, just smile and ask them nicely to get out of our house." He said. "Use the blonde elf charm."
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "And if it's anyone else, I'll hit them with this," he said, brandishing his cricket bat. "Wish us luck." He added before disappearing around the corner.
Gimli came charging in next followed by the hobbits and Gandalf bringing up the rear. Frodo stopped in his tracks and actually laughed when he saw what was going on.
Jack Sparrow was busy washing a saucepan while Will was loading the dishwasher. Haldir was with them, the elf licking plates clean then putting them back in the cupboard.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!??" roared Legolas. To Pippin, Legolas reminded him strongly of his mother the nights where Pip's dad came home from the Green Dragon completely pissed with a couple of mates.
Jack dropped his saucepan into the sink of water with a splash and water sloshed all over the kitchen floor. Will dropped a plate and it smashed all over the floor before he cowered back against the wall. Haldir continued to lick the plates clean, un fazed by Legolas's screaming.
Jack trembled. "We w-were j-j-just cleaning up." He stuttered. Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Our kitchen on our ship blew up and we wanted some breakfast," added Will helpfully. "So we came over here to ask if we could borrow your microwave, and Haldir was already here, pulling the shoelaces out of every pair of shoes in the house. You guys weren't here so we figured you wouldn't mind if we cooked some brunch, and cleaned up after ourselves,"
Then, all of a sudden, Aragorn stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his head. "Whas goin on?" he slurred. "An why duz my 'ead hur' so mush?"
Haldir giggled and smashed a plate over Aragorn's head, causing the ranger to drop to the ground again, out cold.
Legolas smiled. "For once, that was a very intelligent thing to do Haldir," he told the other elf. "But more to the point, why were you taking out the shoelaces of every shoe in this house?"
"I wasn't," squeaked Haldir. "I was putting more red ink in your shampoo bottle."
Legolas went the same colour as his hair and everyone thought that steam was coming out of his ears. Haldir sensed that he'd said something he shouldn't have and began to back away. Legolas however lunged, screaming his lungs out, yelling obscene things at Haldir. The prince of Mirkwood pummelled Haldir, the latter screaming like a chipmunk.
"Hey Pip," whispered Merry as everyone watched Haldir take a serious beating. "Wanna get some popcorn?"
Pippin nodded eagerly and the pair of hobbits edged their was around the kitchen to where Will and Jack were sitting on the table munching on some popcorn. Merry snatched the pack away from the pirates and he and Pippin scurried away, leaving Jack and Will to eat imaginary popcorn until it registered with the pair that their supply had been snatched away.
"Damn hobbit," muttered Will as he reached for an apple in the fruit bowl. "Ow, that would have hurt," he added as everyone watched Legolas's foot connect somewhere where no male should ever be kicked. Haldir squeaked in pain and went cross-eyed.
Legolas panted as he sent another sweeping kick, his foot kicking Haldir around the head. "That will teach you never to mess with my hair," he spat savagely. "If I ever catch you near my stuff again," he added, pausing for dramatic effect. "I will not hesitate to kill you." Haldir squeaked, obviously unable to say anything else. "Now get out." Said Legolas. Haldir hurriedly limped out of the kitchen and ran away.
Legolas turned to face the pirates. "I hope you two had nothing to do with my shampoo and a bottle of glue." He said in a would be calm voice.
Jack and Will shook their heads. "No sir," they replied obediently.
Will smiled sweetly. "And if it would not be too bold to say, your hair does look very fetching."
The hobbits snickered behind Legolas's back, and luckily for them, the elf did not hear them. Aragorn stirred again.
"Oh look, he's waking up, we'd better be going," said Jack quickly. "Thankyou, ta ta," he added before he and Will fled out of the kitchen. Gimli watched out the window and grunted in surprise when he saw a pink cardboard box floating in the middle of the pool.
"Why is there a box in the pool?" Gimli asked Gandalf, who had come to stand beside him and was watching as Will and Jack vaulted into the box/boat and began to paddle away to the other side of the pool with pool noodles. Gandalf shrugged.
Outside, Will and Jack were having a bit of difficulty making their boat sail. For one, the box wasn't very big, two, it was made of cardboard and was all soggy and three, two pirates in a box is enough to make the boat sink.
"Man over board!" hollered Jack as their box began to sink. Will muttered something but it was drowned out as the pair of pirates sunk under the water.
All the while the fellowship had been watching from inside and all of them laughed. Apart from Pippin, who wasn't tall enough to see through the window.
Aragorn rubbed his head again. "My head hurts, I'm going to lie down." He remarked.
"No you're not." Legolas replied. "You're supervising the hobbits and Gandalf along with Lamoo and her friends, while they play paintball."
Aragorn whimpered in protest. "Do I have to?" he wanted to know.
Legolas shrugged. "Dunno, either that or you can come shopping with me."
"I think I'll come with you," answered the ranger. "Gimli can supervise. Either that or you let them all go wild while you go and get a pedicure."
Legolas smiled at the prospect. "All right, Aragorn, you're coming with me, every body else, the session starts in an hour."
"I thought you said it was supposed to be this AFTERNOON." Remarked Sam.
Legolas nodded. "It is," he replied. "It's already two o'clock."
Everyone looked shocked that the day had flown so fast. Frodo shrugged. "Fine then, let's go."
"But what about lunch?" Merry spoke up.
"We'll go to maccas." Suggested Gimli. Everyone cheered, especially Legolas, who was very glad indeed that he would be rid of the hobbits, the dwarf and strange twisted Gandalf for the whole afternoon.
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger hurried out the door. Aragorn frowned. "How do they expect to get there?" he asked.
Legolas shrugged. "No idea. One thing's for sure; no one's driving my car. Merry crashed it last time."
"But Frodo and Gandalf are the only ones that actually have cars. And I wouldn't trust Gandalf to drive sensibly. I suppose all of them could go in Gandalf's VW, Gimli could drive."
Legolas nodded. "Not our problem. Let's go, I want to get my hair done as soon as possible."
"Right," muttered Aragorn as he grabbed his wallet and keys. Legolas picked up his own bundle of keys and sauntered out the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger arrived at the paintball place a little while later. After about ten minutes trying to get the car parked straight, Gimli opened the door and hopped out, followed by the others.
"Looking forward to this Pip?" Merry asked his buddy. But Pippin wasn't concentrating. The hobbit's eyes were all glassy and he was grinning stupidly.
"Pippin?"
Pippin made no reply, but continued to stare at something.
"What are you looking at?" asked Sam.
Pippin beamed and trotted over to the dumpster that was in the car park. He picked up something small and mouldy, rather brownish and hugged it close.
"Put that down Pip," said Frodo. "What is it anyway?"
"I think it's a mouldy parsnip." Replied Gimli. "Put it down Pippin, we'll be late."
Pippin glared at Gimli. "Don't be mean to Percy."
"Who's Percy?" Gandalf wanted to know.
Pippin held out Percy the parsnip for all to see. "Say hello Percy," Pippin said. The hobbit hugged the mouldy vegetable close again.
"Pippin," said Frodo gently. "That is a parsnip. Put it back in the garbage and come with us."
Pippin's eyed welled up. "Never," he choked. "I could never abandon Percy,"
Merry shook his head exasperatedly. "Pip, you are not bringing that stinking, mouldy vegetable to play paintball."
"If Percy cant come, I'm not either," declared Pippin resolutely.
"Fine," chorused the others as they turned their backs on Pippin and began striding through the doors.
"Good," Pippin told Percy. "It's just you and me now."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By now, Legolas and Aragorn were at the mall. Bags already weighed down Aragorn's arms considerably, all containing some new thing Legolas had bought. Whether it be a nice new pair of jeans, a pair of strappy high heels or a nice bottle of yummy, but strange, smelling cologne.
"Ooh, look at that," squealed Legolas, as he saw a brightly coloured cushion for sale in a home wears store.
"Legolas," grunted Aragorn, "you don't need any more crap."
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "That is a cushion, not a turd." He told Aragorn. The ranger only sighed. Legolas skipped into the store and set about looking at various things. Soon he had an armful of purchases and was making his way over to the counter.
"That all?" asked the salesgirl sarcastically as she saw piles and piles of things tipped onto the counter.
"Well actually," began the elf, "there's a very nice candle holder over there, mind if I just pop over and get it?"
"Not at all," replied the salesgirl dully.
Legolas grabbed the blue sparkly candleholder and sauntered back over to the counter. He and the ranger waited while the girl loaded their purchases into bags. Legolas handed them all to Aragorn, who was not pleased that he had to carry another twelve bags on top of the fifteen he was already carting around.
"That'll be six hundred and forty five dollars and twenty five cents," droned the sales girl, hitting a few buttons on the cash register. "And because you spent over fifty dollars, you qualify to enter our holiday competition."
"Cool," replied Legolas as he handed over his well worked out credit card. "What do you win?"
"A trip for you and ten friends to the destination of your choice, two weeks accommodation and $5000 spending money."
"Wow, that sounds cool." Mused the elf. "Can I enter?"
"Knock yourself out," the salesgirl told Legolas, actually hoping he would take that phrase literally. Sensing that he would not, she slid the entry form over towards the elf. Legolas pulled his pretty silver pen and filled in the entry form.
"Ok, now what?" asked the elf.
"Well done sir," droned the sales girl. "You have won the competition."
"Wow, that was quick," exclaimed Legolas delightedly.
"Whatever," replied the sales girl. "The competition closes today and in the past year while the comp was running, you were the only person to make a purchase over fifty dollars in this store, thus the only person to enter the competition."
Legolas beamed happily before turning to Aragorn. "Where should we go?" he asked.
"Back to the car," replied Aragorn, his arms groaning under the weight of the bags.
Legolas sighed. "Fine, let's go." The elf took the lead and strutted through the mall, flashing white-toothed smiles at anyone who commented on his hair.
"I thought you were going to get your hair done?" Aragorn said to the elf as he dumped the armfuls of bags into the backseat of Legolas's car.
The elf shrugged. "I was," he replied. "But I quite like it red. For one thing, maybe some of those rabid fan girls wont notice me, and also, there is a very pretty elf who works at the vacuum cleaner store." Legolas locked the car and he and the ranger made their way back into the mall for a bite to eat.
"So, what about this elf?" inquired Aragorn. "Who is he?"
"Excuse me, I thought you said who was HE," said Legolas.
"I did," answered the ranger with a raised eyebrow.
Legolas shook his head. "Don't be stupid. You don't know how much it irritates me to be labelled a poof."
"Well I do actually, you should see how many slash fan fictions there are out there with you and me featuring as the main, erm, characters."
The elf and the ranger shuddered in unison. "Disturbing," muttered Legolas as he and Aragorn strode past various shops, the elf gazing into the windows with an expression of mild interest. Soon they came to a little café, where it seemed, Legolas was a regular. "Table for two please," he called out to a waiter. The pair was shown to their table and Legolas ordered some coffee and a treacle tart before continuing the conversation.
"Estel," the elf began.
"Hmm?" came the reply as Aragorn stuffed his face full of chocolate cake.
"What made you think that this elf I was talking about was a bloke?"
Aragorn shrugged. "Ocu trike mas etie." He said, his mouth full.
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "What was that?" he asked, arching a dark eyebrow gracefully. "And don't talk with your mouth full, you sprayed me with chewed up cake and slobber."
"Shorry," came the reply. Aragorn swallowed. "I was saying that you just sometimes appear a little gay."
Legolas looked taken aback. "How?" he wanted to know.
Aragorn took a swig of his coffee. "Well," he said, putting the cup back on the table. "Need I mention the obsession with shopping and clothes, hair, movies with Johnny Depp in them, not to mention almost everything that you have bought recently looked as if it would suit Arwen's bedroom better than yours."
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Is it my fault that I have impeccable taste and like to look good?"
Aragorn shook his head. "Spose not." He replied, draining his coffee cup. Legolas nodded and finished the last of his own coffee, chatting with the ranger mildly about various subjects such as general interest magazines and patchwork.
Aragorn payed for their coffee and cake before he and the elf set off again to wander around the mall. "So," began the ranger awkwardly. "Who's this girl?"
Legolas grinned stupidly. "If I told you I'd never live it down."
"How come?" Aragorn wanted to know.
Legolas shrugged. "Cos you'd tell Lamoo and then she'd persist in writing a Mary Sue featuring me and this person."
"Fair enough," replied Estel. "So, where are we gonna go now that you've won a holiday."
The elf shrugged. "No idea," he answered, his feet carrying him over to a store. "What do you think of these?" he asked Aragorn, holding up a pair of faded blue jeans.
The latter shrugged. "They're nice," Aragorn said mildly. "But you already have forty five pairs of jeans."
"So?" came the reply as the elf picked up a few more items of clothing and carted them over to the cashier. "As for our holiday, somewhere tropical would be nice."
The cashier took the credit card Legolas handed him and loaded the elf's purchases into a bag, shooting the elf strange glances as Legolas talked about 'our' holiday with Aragorn. "Thankyou," Legolas said briskly, picking up his purchases and stalking out of the store, Aragorn tagging along behind.
"We could go to Hawaii." Suggested Aragorn. "That sure is tropical."
Legolas wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Nah, been there already. Somewhere new would be nice."
"You could always just stop by the travel agent and grab some brochures." Suggested Aragorn with a shrug.
"Why not," replied the elf briskly, quickening his pace. "Perhaps Bali, I hear they do nice hair braiding and the shopping is wonderful,"
"Maybe," mused the ranger thoughtfully. "Or Malaysia, Thailand perhaps."
"Maybe," answered the elf as he slipped into the travel agent for a minute to grab some brochures. When he returned, he handed a fistful to Aragorn, who flipped through a few.
"Why did you get a brochure about the Swiss alps?" Estel asked.
Legolas shrugged. "I thought it might be better if we went skiing."
"Personally, I like the idea of warm sun, sand and sea better, rather than hobbits feeling tempted to put snow in my underwear."
Legolas snickered, recalling a time where Merry and Pippin had indeed done that. The elf regained his composure and nodded. "Yes, somewhere warm definitely, I need to work on my tan."
"And you tell everyone you're straight," muttered Aragorn under his breath
Legolas chose to ignore that comment. "How long is it since you've had a massage and a manicure?" Legolas asked the ranger suddenly.
Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "Never had a manicure," he began and there was an audible gasp from the elf. "As for massage, Arwen gave me one once and I hardly count her walking on my back a massage,"
Legolas nodded. "Right then," he murmured. "Then I guess we're going to get a massage and a manicure,"
"If you wouldn't mind, I'd rather not." Replied the ranger.
Legolas arched an eyebrow. "Why not? My shout,"
Aragorn decided that it couldn't be too bad, plus Legolas just offered to pay. "Why not." He said.
Legolas flashed a white-toothed smile and links arms with the man before towing him off towards the health spa and beauty salon that was so conveniently located just a few shops down.
"We can be manicure buddies!" said Legolas happily as they sauntered into the store. "French manicure and a two hour massage and facial for two please," he said politely to the girl at the counter.
She looked up from filing her fingernails and nodded. "Will you be paying my cash or credit card?" she asked. Legolas flicked over his well-used credit card and she took it. "Just go into that room there and the masseuses will be with you in a moment."
Legolas took back his card and smiled. "Thankyou very much," he said jauntily before he towed Aragorn into the room.
Aragorn gazed awkwardly around the room. The room was decorated tranquilly and some soft, relaxing music was playing. Two massage tables were in the middle of the room.
"What now?" the ranger asked, not sure what he should do next.
Legolas put his hands on his hips. "What do you think?" he asked.
Aragorn shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "Dunno," he replied. "Dance around in a yellow tutu," he teased.
The elf rolled his eyes and suddenly two masseuses entered. Legolas beamed at them. "Please excuse my friend, he's never had a decent massage before, he might be a little jumpy."
"Jumpy? Why would I be jumpy?" piped up the ranger, who was beginning to look more like a frightened rabbit rather than a brave, strong king of men.
One of the masseuses gestured to the table bench bed things. In a matter of seconds, Legolas was lying comfortably on his stomach on one, shirt off.
"I am not taking my clothes off," squeaked Aragorn, hugging his own clothes as close as possible.
"Don't be a baby Aragorn, just take of your shirt and pants and lie down on the table." Said Legolas.
"My pants?!" replied Aragorn.
Legolas let go another exasperated sigh. "Yes, you'll still have your boxers, just lie down and shut up, you're giving me a headache."
Aragorn gulped nervously and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. He took as much time folding it and putting on the bench as possible before he threw off his jeans with the grass stains on the knees and chucked them on top of the shirt. He timidly shuffled over and climbed up on the bed table thing. There he sat, cross-legged, waiting for the next instruction from Legolas. However, the elf wasn't paying much attention at the moment, sighing contentedly as the masseuse rubbed massage oil on his back.
"Lego?" Aragorn squeaked.
"Mmm hmm?" came the reply.
"What now?"
"Lie down on the table you idiot," the elf said crossly. "And don't talk to me for the next hour and a half,"
"But,"
"Shut up Estel," interrupted the elf again.
~*~*~*~*~*~***~*~*~*~*~*~*
So while the elf was relaxing and the ranger was rocking backwards and forwards in nervousness, the rest of the fellowship was having a wonderful time playing paintball.
More on that later
TBC
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~
AN/ nice long chappie for everyone. And yes, I have had a massage before; I think I was more like Aragorn. XP
Hehe, it wasn't so bad, but enough on my massage experiences. Hope this chapter passed everybody's criteria. oh how nice Leggie is without a shirt. *Grins happily* mmmmmmmmm *sigh*.
Don't forget to read and review. Love Lamoo
