Disclaimer: I do not own the Clerks series.


It had started out as a typical day for the clerks of RST Video.

For starters, the barely competent boss, Randal, had slept in, and was late to open the store, outside which a short line had already formed. Since his only employee, Elias, didn't yet have a key to the store, the younger man was forced to deal with the impatient line of people, as he stood awkwardly beside Jay and Silent Bob, who always loitered outside. Finally, when Randal arrived, he proceeded to berate the customers, because they dared to complain about the wait. Once they had all been assisted, and had left with their tastelessly picked movies, he himself had the audacity to complain for the next hour; insisting that nobody rented physical copies of movies anymore, anyway. Halfway through the day, now, Randal was lounging in his chair, as always, with his arms crossed behind his head, and his feet kicked up on the counter. In the corner of his eye, he could see outside the window, which Jay and Silent Bob had their backs to. Keeping his attention on the tiny TV across from him, Randal did his best to ignore the rehabilitated dealers, who he would've once threatened to call the cops on, but could no longer really complain about, since they no longer peddled drugs in their vicinity, and, more importantly, had dished out the money for he and Dante to buy RST Video, as well as the Quick Stop, which was now run by the latter. Furthermore, they'd dished it out, only on the terms that they would be allowed to loiter outside.

While the lazy ass was content to sit around, all day, Elias took it upon himself to take inventory, rewind watched tapes, restock the shelves, and keep their space clean. He also helped most of the customers; not for the sake of Randal, but those who would otherwise have to deal with his inappropriate behavior. Honestly, Elias didn't mind, though. He enjoyed his daily activities, as much as Randal enjoyed his own lack of them, so it was pretty much a win-win situation. Elias was just happy to work alongside Randal, who he'd come to consider his very best friend. In fact, he felt so happy, that he started to subconsciously hum some nameless tune, as he swept the floor.

"Why are you in such a good mood, today?" Randal asked somewhat suspiciously, as though Elias weren't always in a good mood. "Did you finally get to second base with Myra, or something?" Abruptly, Elias paused his ministrations, and, with an unreadable expression, wordlessly stared at Randal. "Wait, did you?!" Randal asked more seriously, as he clearly hadn't been serious the first time. "You sly dog, you..."

"I didn't—" Elias started to protest, but Randal had already started to speak over him.

"What did you do? Hand stuff, or mouth stuff? Whose hands, and whose mouth, on whose junk? Or, did you go all the way? Did you use protection?"

"Randal, you've got it all wrong," Elias spoke more loudly over Randal, who immediately shut up, and silently stared back, with an expressionless face, as he smacked away on his gum.

"You mean, you haven't gotten anywhere with Myra, yet?" Randal finally asked. "Why not?" Without answering, the younger man averted his gaze to the floor, which he continued to sweep. "Pillow pants?" For some reason, this honest question made him snicker.

"I don't really wanna talk about it, Randal."

"If you say so." Randal shrugged, and reluctantly returned his attention to the TV, which he felt he'd already lost interest in. Fortunately, he was distracted by the sudden arrival of Dante, who'd surprisingly left his post at Quick Stop. "What brings you here?"

"Just came, to make sure you were still alive, over here," Dante quipped. "You usually bug me ten times a day." His eyes shifted toward Elias, then settled back upon Randal. "Well, you used to. Guess you're not so bored and lonely, now that you've got Elias for company."

"Aw, don't be jealous," Randal teased, in a condescending voice. "Don't worry, you can never be replaced."

"Shut up," Dante said, with a roll of his eyes, as he tossed a packet of Randal's beloved gum onto the counter. "Here, feed your addiction." With that, he exited the store, as abruptly as he'd entered it.


At quarter-to-nine, when they were almost ready to close, Randal made his way toward the private room at the back of the store, where he disappeared behind the curtain. Elias, who'd just finished mopping the floor he'd had to sweep again, facepalmed at the sight of the dirty tracks Randal's shoes left behind. Sighing, Elias proceeded to put away the cleaning supplies, before joining his boss in the tiny room, where the pornography was kept. Unsurprisingly, Randal was in the tape section, for he'd always had a predilection for vintage porn.

"So, what are you, like, looking at?" Elias said with feigned nonchalance, in attempt to appear disinterested. In response, Randal wordlessly held up the tape in his hand, so Elias could read the cover title. "Best of Both Worlds...?"

"Chicks with dicks."

"Oh..." Elias blinked stupidly at Randal, as his brain took a moment to process the information. "Oh," he repeated in realization. "You're into that?".

"Yeah." Randal shrugged, setting the tape back in its spot. "Why, what are you into," he asked teasingly, "besides donkey porn?"

Elias gaped. "I'm not into donkey porn! I was just drunk, that time!"

"Yeah, so was I," Randal pointed out, "but you didn't see me jackin' off to that shit." His mind flashed back to the donkey show they'd held at Mooby's, where Elias had gotten both drunk and high for the first, and so far only, time. The sight of Elias, giving into his temptations, by pleasuring himself in the corner, as he prayed for God's forgiveness, while tears streamed down his face, had been forever burned into Randal's mind, and secretly stored in the latter's spank bank. Under the devout Christian's innocent surface, Randal knew, Elias was kinky as fuck. He was like a pure snow over a thick layer of dirt, or an angel whose halo was held up by horns.

"Really, I'm not into that," Elias defended.

"What are ya into, then?"

"Well, that's kinda private, Randal."

"C'mon, you know you can tell me anything." He momentarily placed a hand on Elias's shoulder, as though he were the devil on it, encouraging Elias to give into his sinful temptations. "Like, how do you feel about chicks with dicks?"

"Um, I prefer my chicks without dicks."

"You mean, you prefer your dicks without chicks," Randal teased.

"You know I'm not gay, Randal."

"Well, how do I know you're not bi?" He questioned. "Another example of 'best of both worlds.'"

"I'm not bi," Elias rolled his eyes, as blush crept over his face. "You're probably bi, since you're so into chicks with dicks." His eyes widened, when Randal nervously averted his own. "Wait, are you bi?"

After an awkward pause, Randal looked back up, and said, "Maybe..."

"Oh." With a dainty hand, Elias self-consciously tucked his shoulder-length, brown hair behind his right ear, while Randal awkwardly adjusted the baseball cap that he always wore backward atop his head of red hair. "So... what is it like?"

"What is what like?"

"You know," Elias said, subconsciously fiddling with the cross he always wore around his neck, as he cast his own gaze to the floor, "being with guys." Many times, Randal has detailed his sexual experiences to Elias, but those stories had only ever involved women.

"I've never been with a guy," Randal admitted. "Why do you ask?" Elias looked up at the redhead, and locked eyes with him. "Are you into guys?"

"Of course, not," Elias said rather defensively. "I'm Christian, Randal."

"So...?" Randal raised an eyebrow at the religious nut.

"So, according to Leviticus 18:22, 'You shall not lie with a male—'"

"'As with a woman,'" Randal finished the quote, with a roll of his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." He dismissively waved off Elias's religious nonsense. "Just 'cause you don't lie with men, doesn't mean you don't fantasize about it."

"Well," Elias looked away again, "maybe sometimes."

Wait... "What?" Randal had not been expecting that answer, whether or not it were true. "Are you serious?"

"Maybe..."

"What do you fantasize about?"

"You know, just doing things," Elias practically whispered, "with a guy."

"Any specific guy?" He reflexively looked back up at Randal, whose eyes widened, as they met Elias's own wide eyes. "Wait..." The younger man's blush deepened, but he couldn't bring himself to tear away his gaze, like a deer frozen in headlights. "Do you fantasize about me?" Elias appeared unable to answer the question, which in itself basically answered the question. "Holy shit, you do!" He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it wouldn't go down. "What do you imagine?" He noted the twinkle in Randal's half-lidded eyes, as a devilish smirk spread across the latter's face. Predatorially, Randal stepped closer to Elias, who subconsciously took a step back. "Do you imagine me fucking you?" Randal stepped forward, until he'd backed Elias up against the wall. In anticipation of whatever was to happen next, the younger man's chest rose and fell with heavy, shaky breaths, as he stared pleadingly into Randal's eyes. "Well, do you?"

"Yes!" Elias gasped, as he threw his arms around Randal, and smashed their lips together. The latter's eyes widened in surprise, but slowly closed, as he reciprocated the kiss. Elias whimpered, as Randal's tongue pushed its way into his mouth, but quickly pulled away, when a wad of gum plopped into it. "Ew, Randal!"

"Sorry," Randal said, somewhat sheepishly, but mostly amused, as he watched Elias removed the gum, which Randal then plucked from Elias's fingers, and stuck on the underside of the nearest display shelf.

"Ew, you can't leave that there."

"Where the hell do you want me to put it?"

"The trashcan is right over there," Elias pointed.

"Whatever." Randal rolled his eyes, as he removed the gum from underneath the shelf, before walking toward the trashcan, where he threw out said gum. "Sorry, about that," he apologized, once he was back in front of Elias, though with some space between them. As they stared insecurely at each other, an awkward silence fell over them, which Randal finally broke, when a thought popped into his head. "Oh, shit, Myra...!" His eyes widened. "Dude, your girlfriend—"

"I don't have a girlfriend, Randal." Elias bowed his head in humiliation, and kept his eyes on the floor, as blush crept back over his face.

"You guys broke up? Is that why you responded so weirdly, when I brought her up, earlier?"

He emphatically shook his head, surprised at how stupid Randal could sometimes be, despite the latter's quick wit, and ability to think for himself. "I've never had a girlfriend," Elias clarified. "Myra is made up."

Randal's jaw dropped. "Wha—? Why?"

"I don't know..." Elias shrugged. "So you wouldn't think I was, like, a loser."

"So, your solution was to make up weird shit, like Pillow Pants and Listerfiend?" Randal raised an eyebrow at Elias, but smirked amusedly, until the younger man started to pout. "Look, I don't think you're a loser." Randal placed a finger under Elias's chin, and lifted the latter's head, so that their eyes met. "I think you're adorable," the redhead admitted, before closing the space between them, and coaxing Elias into another sloppy kiss. Without breaking it, Randal pressed himself against Elias, so that they could, not only be closer, but feel each other's arousal, as they brushed against each other. In response, Elias subconsciously bucked his hips, inspiring Randal to reciprocate the action. They were practically dry humping, when...

"Hey, are you guys back here, or—?" Reflexively, Randal jolted away from Elias, as they both whipped their heads around, to see Dante staring wordlessly back at them, with wide eyes. "Nevermind." With eyes still on them, Dante took a step back, disappeared behind the curtain, and presumably vacated the store, leaving Randal and Elias in yet another awkward silence. For a moment, they simply stared at each other, before shrugging it off, and proceeding to make out.

Surprisingly, what had started out as typical day for the clerks of RST Video, had ended as anything but.