AN/ did everyone miss me?! I hope I didn't leave you all hanging too long.
To make up for that, here is an extra long chapter. (
What can I say about the past month? Nano was hectic and because I slacked off at the beginning, I never got my 50 000 words. What I did do was improve my writing heaps and had a lot of fun. But that fun was nothing compared to writing this. I love this fic, always have, and always will. So as long as you guys keep wanting more, I shall write more.
It's also about time I replied to some reviews. That shall be done at the end of the chapter so I don't have to hold you up when you want me to get on with things. Thankyou guys, we're fast approaching the total of 100 reviews for this fic.
So, with no more dilly-dally, well, not much, here is chapter seven of TF&TEND, the adventures continue.
Disclaimer: during November Lamoo had a long and hard think about the ownership of things in this fic. She now knows she is more than capable of making up her own characters, despite the fact that one of them usually resembles Legolas or Aragorn. She is ready to accept that none of the characters in this fic belong to her, except herself of course. All reviewers own themselves and Mr Tolkien owns Haldir and the fellowship. The POTC people own Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, even though darlin Will is still being held captive by everyone's friend, Legolas Stalker, otherwise known as Laura. The ideas in this fic however, do belong to Lamoo to some extent. She is ashamed to admit that the party idea in the 1st TF&TEND wasn't very original, but now that things are beginning to become more creative, she wishes to inform everyone that if they steal her ideas, she will come after them with a paintball gun and a mop with Percy the parsnip wielding a rusty rapier to clean up the mess. Thankyou for your time and thankyou for being bored enough to actually read Lamoo's weird disclaimer.
Right, on with the show!
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Chapter 7
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Previously in TF&TEND, the adventures continue, Legolas found his car, all the reviewer's were permanently scared by the mental image of Gimli nude and it was decided that the vacation soon to be taken, would be to the tropical and wonderful island of Bali. The hobbits declared that they were perfectly capable of using chopsticks and someone rung the doorbell. Just in case it was someone whom the elf was not really looking forward to seeing, Legolas had a sharp knife ready to kill himself.
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Aragorn rose to his feet to answer the door and Legolas suddenly strode over to the dishwasher. As if on impulse, pulled out a very sharp knife and held it in his hand.
"What are you doin with that knife Lego?" asked Lamoo as she entered the kitchen, Aragorn behind her.
The elf rolled his eyes and slammed the sharp implement down on the bench. He calmly walked over to the panty and reached up onto the top shelf for something. They jar of happy pills came down once more and the elf tipped the entire contents of the jar into his mouth and washed the lot down with a swig of beer that was in the can in Aragorn's hand.
"Better." He remarked, sitting down again at the table.
"Ooh! Food!" exclaimed Lamoo. "I want some!" she added, pulling Gimli's dinner away from him and starting to dig into it herself.
Pippin thrust a pair of chopsticks at her, almost poking her eyes out with them. Lamoo shrugged and ate with the chopsticks, skewering assorted bits of food on the end instead of grabbing the morsel properly.
Gandalf shook his head, beard wagging along with his orange tie, and tried to show Lamoo how to use the choppies properly. She failed miserably and ate with her fingers.
By now Gimli was annoyed that his food has been pilfered and he slammed his fists down on the table angrily whist complaining loudly. Legolas glared at him and the elf massaged his own temples, trying to ignore the headache that always seemed to come on whenever Lamoo was around.
Aragorn helpfully handed Legolas the hot wok that was still sitting on the stove in the kitchen. The elf smiled and swung it through the air until it collided with the dwarf's head. Much to Legolas's annoyance, nothing happened, in fact, Gimli didn't even notice that he'd been hit on the head with something quite hot, quite heavy, and made of metal.
Legolas clouted him repeatedly until Gimli realised what was going on, but that was only because Pippin was yelling at the top of his voice at Legolas to stop hitting people with hot objects because it might frighten Percy.
"I don't bloody care about Percy!" screamed Legolas, rising from his seat. Aragorn pushed him back down again, not wanting to be the one to have to clean up all the blood and brains that would be spilt all over the floor if someone didn't hold the bad tempered elf back.
Lamoo was completely unfazed by the whole situation, still wolfing down Gimli's dinner. All of a sudden it registered with her that there was a massive amount if chilli in the dish.
She screamed and dashed into the kitchen and stuck her head under the tap. But anyone who knows anything knows that water doesn't help when your mouth is on fire from eating red-hot chillies. But obviously Lamoo didn't know that and was quite pissed off when the water did nothing except make her very wet.
Merry kind-heartedly dashed after her and supplied the loony authoress with the milk carton and instructed her to drink. When she complained that she hated milk Merry called in Aragorn to force her to drink it.
Aragorn was busy trying to stop Legolas from killing Pippin so Merry had to make do with the help he received from Frodo and Sam.
Finally Lamoo gave up and guzzled the whole carton of milk. Merry tried not to think about what Legolas might do, in his foul mood, when he found out that there was no milk left for his tea.
Back in the dining room, Pippin was shrieking and hugging Percy the Parsnip, who was starting to smell a little bit off by now, close. Legolas was swearing, in English, elvish, orcish, dwarvish, German, French and another language he knew bits of whilst trying to smack the ranger with the wok. Gandalf and Gimli were spectating and Haldir had appeared. He must have heard all the yelling and thought that there was yet another party on that he hadn't been invited to.
He had come over in his care-bears nightie with matching slippers and had sat himself down in Frodo's chair; on which was an enormous pile of phone books because Frodo was so short.
Aragorn screamed an order at Haldir and the pair of them managed to wrestle the wok from Legolas. The only way they had been able to do it was when Haldir cleverly seized the candelabra off the sideboard and smacked the elf over the head with it. Unlike Gimli, his skull was not quite as think and he was out cold in an instant, not to mention at the candles were lit and the glue that Legolas had accidentally put I his hair that morning was very flammable.
Haldir squealed in fright when Legolas's hair blazed alight. Gandalf handed him Aragorns beer and Haldir poured it all over Legolas's head in an attempt to put out the flames. The room was full of smoke that smelt like a mixture between singed socks, cigarette smoke and Legolas's aftershave. No one had quite worked out why he needed after-shave seeing as he supposedly didn't need to shave.
Aragorn took the wok and ran outside. There was a splash and everyone assumed that he'd thrown it in the pool. Merry wasn't sure if this was the best idea seeing as how Legolas could supposedly swim better than any of them and would have no trouble at all retrieving the wok. But then again, Merry reminded himself; he had never actually seen the elf swim. Either way, it was pretty certain one of the pirates whose ship floated around in the middle of the pool would find the wok before Legolas would. Merry only hoped that they wouldn't find a more 'creative' use for it.
Legolas's hair was still on fire, the beer doing little but making it splutter and burn faster. Lamoo screamed as she came out, a milk moustache on her lip, when she saw her Leggie's hair on fire. In primary school she had been taught that when you're on fire, you have to stop, drop, roll, so she tried to do the same to the elf, who through all this, was unconscious.
"Don't do that!" bellowed Sam. "you have to smother the flames with a blanket!"
Haldir ripped the tablecloth off the table, making all the crockery and everything else smash onto the floor. He tried to smother the flames in Legolas's hair with the cloth but only succeeded in setting the tablecloth on fire as well.
"Stand on the flames!!" yelled Aragorn, coming back inside. Frodo did and screeched in pain when his bare hobbit feet were scorched by the flames. He tripped over the elf and fell flat on top of him.
Then Gimli, showing extraordinary logic, ran into the kitchen and filled a jug up with water. He rushed back and poured the whole lot on Legolas's head. The flames spluttered and went out and the elf remained oblivious to everything.
Lamoo quietly slipped out the back door and Aragorn could see her running towards the pool. A shiny pink boat glided up to the edge and she hopped aboard. The ranger rolled his eyes when he saw Will Turner and Jack Sparrow waving merrily. He pulled the curtains closed.
"What do we do now?" Gandalf wanted to know as everyone stood in a circle around the elf who was out cold. "He'll kill us all when he finds out what happened to his hair."
"We can just say it was Haldir's fault." Suggested the ranger. "He was the one who put the glue in Legolas's shampoo and hit him with the candles."
"Hey!" exclaimed Haldir in protest. "You told me to hit him! I'm going home, you're scaring Me." he huffed to the front door. "Scaring me more than usual." The door slammed and much to everyone's relief, Haldir was gone for the moment.
"I say we lock him in the bathroom for a day or two so that when he wakes up he cant hurt anyone. Too much, and he'll be able to get over It." Advised Frodo.
"And in those days none of us can have a shower or go to the loo." Replied Gimli. "And if I have to go over to Haldir's to piss I am going to follow the elf's example and get myself hit on the head with a candlestick."
"It's a candelabra." Interrupted Pippin. "And Percy says that Legolas didn't chose to be whacked so you can't really follow his example."
Gimli glared, giving Pippin much the same look as Legolas had moments before. "I am beginning to think that Parsnip soup would be very good about now." he said, letting the threat sink him.
The hobbit's eyes widened in horror and he gaped speechlessly. "You wouldn't!" he yelled.
Gimli raised and eyebrow. "Oh wouldn't I." He said, repeating the elf's earlier words.
"I think its time we all went to bed now." suggested Aragorn, trying to avoid any more conflict. It was bad enough already, that as the only vaguely sane, conscious person that he would be the one having to clean up the smashed dishes from when Haldir had pulled the tablecloth off the table when everything was still on top of it. The washing up still had to be done and Aragorn had to find something to do with Legolas for the time being.
The hobbits scurried off followed by Gandalf leaving Gimli and Aragorn in the kitchen with the elf who was lying with his hair scorched on the floor.
"You shouldn't wind him up like that." Aragorn told Gimli as he fetched the broom and begun to sweep up the broken glass up off the floor. "This is like the fourth time this month that he's been whacked on the head with something. I know he's an elf, but even so, being out cold because of a smack to the head cant be healthy."
"I didn't wind him up!" protested Gimli, putting his hands on his hip. "He is just so bad tempered."
"He never used to be." Aragorn mused, thinking back to the days where the fellowship was actually fighting orcs and trolls. Legolas had been so quiet and patient. Until Lamoo had appeared. "She did it." Aragorn said,
"Who did what?" Gimli wanted to know.
"Lamoo. She was the one who made Legolas act like this all the time." The ranger replied, sweeping up the last bits of smashed crockery. "Now help me lug him onto the couch." He added, giving the unconscious elf a kick in the side. Legolas didn't stir.
Gimli nodded and with not too much difficulty, he and Aragorn managed to haul Legolas into the lounge room and onto the couch.
"I'm going to bed." Gimli said. Aragorn didn't argue and the dwarf strolled off down the hallway.
Aragorn plonked down on the second couch and looked over at the elf.
A small sneaky voice spoke. "You know, now would be a very good time to get some of the slash fanfiction written."
Aragorn was shocked and appalled. He glanced around for the source of the voice but couldn't see anything. But he had been taught as a child that just because you cannot see something doesn't mean its not there. "Hello? Anyone there?" he called out.
"Someone is always here." Replied the voice. Aragorn glanced over at the elf, the area around Legolas's left eyebrow very swollen and red. His hair was scorched in places, merely singed in others.
"Stupid voices." Muttered Aragorn, thinking that the small sneaky voice he was hearing must be his own imagination. He was disgusted however, that his own mind could fester such an idea. He shuddered and decided to go to bed.
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The next morning, Legolas awoke with no recollection whatsoever as to what had happened the night before. As a matter of fact, he did not seem to remember the past year as well as several other things that he should have had permanently engraved in his head by now.
Merry and Pippin were the first afoot, which was rather extraordinary for they were notorious for being rooted to their beds on weekdays. Today was Monday and they were up and ready for work. Sam was up only minutes after, beginning to cook breakfast, as usual. Gimli emerged from his room sometime after, his beard and hair more dishevelled than usual. Gandalf surfaced nearly an hour later, revealing to all that he had been up since dawn singing to his pot plants.
Everyone sitting at the table eating breakfast chose not to ask why he bothered when all the wizard had by way of living things in his room was mould, bacteria and a rather dead looking parrot that sat in a cage all day shouting obscene things at anyone blonde. This may have had something to do with the incident when Legolas got so annoyed with the bird, along with the other members of the fellowship, and at their bidding, threw the bird into the pool.
The pirates rescued it and from then on, the bird had a deep veined hatred of blondes.
"Good bacon." Said Merry as he gobbled down a rasher of raw bacon. He squirted maple syrup into his mouth and swallowed, smiling.
Aragorn came out of his room looking like he hadn't slept at all, not much later. Legolas was still on the couch. The ranger had huge purple shadows under his eyes and he had a severe case of bed hair. He slumped down in his seat and pulled the box of cornflakes towards him, opting to deny himself Sam's bacon in fear that it might make him puke. That was the last thing he needed.
"When should we wake Legolas?" murmured Frodo, who had woken around the same time Sam had.
"Never." Suggested Pippin. "He will he oh so cross."
"Stop talking like that." Scolded Merry, narked.
"Talking like what?" Pippin wondered.
"Oh so cross." Repeated Merry. "Don't say that, you sound like more of a girl than usual."
"Speaking of Girls," Gimli spoke up, turning to Aragorn. "Arwen rang yesterday afternoon. She wanted you to call her back."
"And you were planning on telling me this when?" the ranger wanted to know.
"It slipped my mind." Gimli said with a shrug. "Besides, you never bother ringing her back anyway."
"I do so!" exclaimed Aragorn, leaping to his own defence. Everyone snickered and tried to avert their eyes. The ranger sighed. "Fine. So what if I never call her back? At least I have the right to know when she calls."
"Yea, she is your wife after all." Laughed Frodo.
"I say we wake the elf up now." Aragorn said, trying to change the subject. "You can do the honours." He said to Gandalf and Gimli.
It took a little persuading before Gimli and Gandalf stood beside the couch on which the elf slept. His bump on the head was swollen and his forehead bruised. Gimli kept his distance, afraid that Legolas might lash out, and poked the elf with the vacuum cleaner hose.
Gandalf was more ignorant that unafraid however and gave Legolas's arm a gentle prod. The elf smiled in his sleep and muttered something in elvish, which made Aragorn snicker.
"What did he say?" Sam wanted to know.
Aragorn chuckled. "He's mumbling about Galadriel's lacy knickers." He replied. The rest of the fellowship snorted with laughter, all of them wondering when exactly Legolas had seen Galadriel's knickers.
Gandalf poked Legolas again and he began to stir. He woke slowly and rubbed his head, wondering why it was so sore.
"Morning." He mumbled, pulling himself into a sitting position and rubbing his eyes. "Why is everyone looking at me? Whatever it was, I swear I didn't do it."
The others stood back and waited for comprehension to dawn. They all braced themselves; ready for the explosion of anger that was soon to come when Legolas remembered what had happened.
Surprisingly, nothing did happen.
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TBC
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AN/ mwa haa haa! Only I know what's happened to Legolas! Tee hee!
Ok, after a long wait, here are the replies to your reviews.
I cant thank all of you enough for the reviews which act as little pinnacles of light to get me through horrible times where the only ideas that seem to come to mind involve tacky Mary-Sues, or giant clowns. Thankyou dudes and dudettes.
Andboriel Swan: of course Gandalf likes his tie, he LOVES his tie! Hehe, but rest assured that you'll never see anyone else wearing it, for even Aragorn, who has very bad taste, wouldn't be caught dad wearing it. Indonesia! Yay, well, actually Bali is really different from the rest of it, but I reckon it's all wonderful. And when it comes to the bathroom incident, you're welcome. I don't think I could have stood it myself to have had to write that. Thanks a million for you reviews.
Enelya: ohh, I just love reading your reviews, nice and long. Hehe. Yes, our darling Aragorn can be a bit dim sometimes can't he? Especially with the piranha. Haven't you seen the loony tunes episode with bugs bunny and that big hairy orange monster and bugs gives him a manicure and there are mousetraps in the water? I thought I might try something different, and as a result the world is less one horrible little fishy and someone had grilled fish for dinner that night. And I'm happy that someone, anyone, actually reads my ANs. Well, I guess it doesn't really make much difference, but still. Ooh, maybe the fellowship should go to New Caledonia next year? After they go to Germany and several other places. Ohhh, I just had an evil idea. Hmm, don't mind me. And I agree, it is a shame that people don't get payed for writing fanfics. Actually, I'm kinda glad cos then all the really good writers out there would take over my little obsession and my crappy, disturbing little stories would be overshadowed so much. And I do watch Queer eye, I love it!! Can you believe that they're making an Australian version? I reckon that'll be soooo lame, but your comments gave me some more evil ideas. Give the next chapter a read to find out. Tee hee. And just for the books, I want to read your fics, I'll have to do that once ive finished here, and yea, I know you wouldn't copy a shirtless Legolas, besides, that idea is not mine, never has been, and unfortunately, never will be. Legolas topless is a regular topic in the crazy little world of fan fictions. So, after listening to me blab on for ages, I am going to tell you one more thing, wait, two, no three. Thankyou soo soo soo much for your reviews, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one, and oh bugger, forgot the third one. Guess there's only two. Bye.
Elfchick123: loved it? I loved your review! Made me veddy veddy happy it did. Its always nice to know when people like what you write. I will not mention that I still kinda think this story is a tad on the lame side and that I don't think its as good as people make it out to be. You go on thinking that this story is good, cos although it is a strange little load of Legolas poop, I shall continue writing cos I love it. The story, not the Legolas poop.
XhellsFireX: I know exactly how you feel with long reviews. They're always nice to receive, but rather tiresome and tedious to write. Unless you type fast, which I do not. Anyway, you're not tired anymore, so you have no excuse not to write me a nice long review.
Inweofnargothrond: personally I hate chicken flavoured rice crackers. They're icky. Plain one are the best. Anyway, anyone know where I can get myself a pair of musical socks? Hmm, maybe I could get Gimli to knit me a pair. And no one was being mean to Percy, for a few reasons. Number one, no matter what Pippin says, Percy is a vegetable and does not have a brain, number two, he fully deserves every insult for being a yucky parsnip, which, did I mention, were yucky. supposedly, I've never tried one. And Bali would have to be the best place on earth. Sun, sea, sand, and SHOPPING!! Yay. It's wonderful! Anywho, thanks for your reviews, always make me smile when I read em.
Banx: whoo! Hope you enjoyed the Haldir in this Chapter! Hehe. But I'm back now, and I swear I am never doing anything like nanowrimo again. until next year. Hehe. Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but you knew I'd be back didn't you? But if you got Hal-dear to burn out your eyes, then you wouldn't be able to look at beautiful Hal-dear or Leggy any more. I suggest finding a nice comfy crate and stuffing Gimli in it then floating the box down a river. hobbit style. Hope I didn't leave you handing too long, and just in case I did, you get two chapters for the price of one! Yay!
Aelimir: by the comment you made in your last review I gathered that you liked the last chapter. Hehe. Hope you liked this one too, fight scene! Yay. And I'm so sorry I left you hanging, the month wasn't that bad was it? Anyway, the point is I'm back, I'm replying to reviews, and you all get two chapters. I am expecting some reviews after this. Lol.
Legolas Stalker: Helooo there my fellow elf kidnapper. Will says he enjoyed his little holiday at your secret hideaway, but he missed Elizabeth. *Lamoo growls and brandishes big pointy stick* feel free to take Will after these two chapters, cos I have the feeling that he is the last thing Legolas is going to need in the upcoming chapters. And I solemnly promise to never do any more dwarf nudity again. To tell the truth, al I really wanted to see was everyone's reaction. Quite sick aren't I? Thankies for your reviews, they make be veddy veddy happy indeed.
Kawaii Elf Girl: I love the song that never ends, it is the best! Wonder how long Aragorn could endure Merry and Pippin singing it on the plane on the way to Bali before he snaps? A few chapters still to come before the big holiday chapters, but I'm really quite eager now to see how long it'll be before our friend the ranger snaps. Hope this chapter passed your ruthless inspection and that you don't find the next one too disturbing. No dwarves, I promise.
Robyn The Pirate: ack, if I had knows how people would react when I said no updates for a month, maybe I would have rethought that whole nanowrimo thing. But, it doesn't matter now; I'm back in fanfiction land and ready for some serious sugar induced writing. Pleased, very pleased, very very pleased that you liked the last chapters. And just because people suggest eating Percy the Parsnip doesn't mean they'll actually do it. Maybe Gimli will make a candle out of it, somehow. not quite sure, but I think the threat was just to scare the darling little Pippin, who tends to be a tad on the gullible side. And of course you can come to Bali! The more the merrier! But not in the boat. ( I'm sorry, but you'll have to get on a plane, but Will and Jack probably will end up tagging along. And yes, I was trying to give you nightmares with the Gimli in the shower thing. Well not really, I was just interested to see people's reactions. Someone remind me never to do such a thing EVER again. And I didn't say I'd not be updating ever again, I just said things would be put on hold for a month. Is that a crime? Hehe. Lol. Say hi to Norman for me.
Raven Demon: heya there fellow fanfictioner. (That is now a word in the Lamoo dictionary. yes.) anyway, thanks for the reviews and thankyou a dozen more times for putting me in your fanfiction. Hope you liked the last chapter and that the next once passes your screening. Lol. Enjoy!
Marissa03: hope you continue to keep writing your fic cos I reckon it is soooooo much better than this; I love it, so keep it coming. Well, what can I say; very happy you liked the last chapter. And frankly all my elvish comes from one of those handy dictionary websites. *Hangs head in shame* pathetic huh? Well, it gets the job done, so meh, who cares. Your elvish is so much better than mine anyway. And Lego is a vegetarian when it suits him. Hehe. Just a health food addict, not necessarily vegetarian. Enjoy the next chappie.
And last but certainly not least, my somewhat evil buddy.
Mr Bean: there are a lot of things I could say to you, but basically they all basically mean the same thing. I am so grateful to you. You're a great mate and you did me a favour by reading my stuff when no body else would. And you've stuck on when other people have gotten bored of me. I seriously cant thank you enough. And I DO NOT want you to tell me one more time that you love this story, I think I have already established that you think that. I'm flattered, so again, thankyou Yay. Fanfiction for me is a bit of an escape from yearlies and stuff. I don't think I'll menton again that this chapter was written in the final week of November when I was sposed to be nanwrimoing. Hey, lets face it, I get bored of stupid Kiri and Saelir. yes, I used one of my RP characters. I love him! But he's boring. And prey tell, what is wrong with Legolas without a shirt? Quite pretty if you ask me. which I must remind myself, you did not. And the reason I did not describe Gimli's shower incident in detail is because I knew no one would be able to write me reviews if they puked all over their keyboard. Hehe. And if you like reading, maybe you should broaden your horizons a little and explore the world of LOTR fanfiction. If not, there will always be a TF&TEND chapter here once in a while for you. So, as I have said about a gazillion times, thankyou. Oh yea, and you're welcome. I love doing this, so its not like it's a chore or anything. Ta ta, and try not to be too disturbed by the next chapter *cackles evilly* don't worry, no dwarf nudity, you can rest assured that I will never try that one again.
Well. That took a lot longer than I expected, but now everyone's happy so now you can all run away and read the next chapter. Enjoy it people, cos I enjoyed writing it.
Oh yea, as always, don't forget to review!
Love Lamoo.
Ps. I never ended up getting 50 000 for NaNoWriMo anyway, so I'm not likely to try that little trick again. not till next November anyway.
What can I say about the past month? Nano was hectic and because I slacked off at the beginning, I never got my 50 000 words. What I did do was improve my writing heaps and had a lot of fun. But that fun was nothing compared to writing this. I love this fic, always have, and always will. So as long as you guys keep wanting more, I shall write more.
It's also about time I replied to some reviews. That shall be done at the end of the chapter so I don't have to hold you up when you want me to get on with things. Thankyou guys, we're fast approaching the total of 100 reviews for this fic.
So, with no more dilly-dally, well, not much, here is chapter seven of TF&TEND, the adventures continue.
Disclaimer: during November Lamoo had a long and hard think about the ownership of things in this fic. She now knows she is more than capable of making up her own characters, despite the fact that one of them usually resembles Legolas or Aragorn. She is ready to accept that none of the characters in this fic belong to her, except herself of course. All reviewers own themselves and Mr Tolkien owns Haldir and the fellowship. The POTC people own Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, even though darlin Will is still being held captive by everyone's friend, Legolas Stalker, otherwise known as Laura. The ideas in this fic however, do belong to Lamoo to some extent. She is ashamed to admit that the party idea in the 1st TF&TEND wasn't very original, but now that things are beginning to become more creative, she wishes to inform everyone that if they steal her ideas, she will come after them with a paintball gun and a mop with Percy the parsnip wielding a rusty rapier to clean up the mess. Thankyou for your time and thankyou for being bored enough to actually read Lamoo's weird disclaimer.
Right, on with the show!
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Chapter 7
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Previously in TF&TEND, the adventures continue, Legolas found his car, all the reviewer's were permanently scared by the mental image of Gimli nude and it was decided that the vacation soon to be taken, would be to the tropical and wonderful island of Bali. The hobbits declared that they were perfectly capable of using chopsticks and someone rung the doorbell. Just in case it was someone whom the elf was not really looking forward to seeing, Legolas had a sharp knife ready to kill himself.
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Aragorn rose to his feet to answer the door and Legolas suddenly strode over to the dishwasher. As if on impulse, pulled out a very sharp knife and held it in his hand.
"What are you doin with that knife Lego?" asked Lamoo as she entered the kitchen, Aragorn behind her.
The elf rolled his eyes and slammed the sharp implement down on the bench. He calmly walked over to the panty and reached up onto the top shelf for something. They jar of happy pills came down once more and the elf tipped the entire contents of the jar into his mouth and washed the lot down with a swig of beer that was in the can in Aragorn's hand.
"Better." He remarked, sitting down again at the table.
"Ooh! Food!" exclaimed Lamoo. "I want some!" she added, pulling Gimli's dinner away from him and starting to dig into it herself.
Pippin thrust a pair of chopsticks at her, almost poking her eyes out with them. Lamoo shrugged and ate with the chopsticks, skewering assorted bits of food on the end instead of grabbing the morsel properly.
Gandalf shook his head, beard wagging along with his orange tie, and tried to show Lamoo how to use the choppies properly. She failed miserably and ate with her fingers.
By now Gimli was annoyed that his food has been pilfered and he slammed his fists down on the table angrily whist complaining loudly. Legolas glared at him and the elf massaged his own temples, trying to ignore the headache that always seemed to come on whenever Lamoo was around.
Aragorn helpfully handed Legolas the hot wok that was still sitting on the stove in the kitchen. The elf smiled and swung it through the air until it collided with the dwarf's head. Much to Legolas's annoyance, nothing happened, in fact, Gimli didn't even notice that he'd been hit on the head with something quite hot, quite heavy, and made of metal.
Legolas clouted him repeatedly until Gimli realised what was going on, but that was only because Pippin was yelling at the top of his voice at Legolas to stop hitting people with hot objects because it might frighten Percy.
"I don't bloody care about Percy!" screamed Legolas, rising from his seat. Aragorn pushed him back down again, not wanting to be the one to have to clean up all the blood and brains that would be spilt all over the floor if someone didn't hold the bad tempered elf back.
Lamoo was completely unfazed by the whole situation, still wolfing down Gimli's dinner. All of a sudden it registered with her that there was a massive amount if chilli in the dish.
She screamed and dashed into the kitchen and stuck her head under the tap. But anyone who knows anything knows that water doesn't help when your mouth is on fire from eating red-hot chillies. But obviously Lamoo didn't know that and was quite pissed off when the water did nothing except make her very wet.
Merry kind-heartedly dashed after her and supplied the loony authoress with the milk carton and instructed her to drink. When she complained that she hated milk Merry called in Aragorn to force her to drink it.
Aragorn was busy trying to stop Legolas from killing Pippin so Merry had to make do with the help he received from Frodo and Sam.
Finally Lamoo gave up and guzzled the whole carton of milk. Merry tried not to think about what Legolas might do, in his foul mood, when he found out that there was no milk left for his tea.
Back in the dining room, Pippin was shrieking and hugging Percy the Parsnip, who was starting to smell a little bit off by now, close. Legolas was swearing, in English, elvish, orcish, dwarvish, German, French and another language he knew bits of whilst trying to smack the ranger with the wok. Gandalf and Gimli were spectating and Haldir had appeared. He must have heard all the yelling and thought that there was yet another party on that he hadn't been invited to.
He had come over in his care-bears nightie with matching slippers and had sat himself down in Frodo's chair; on which was an enormous pile of phone books because Frodo was so short.
Aragorn screamed an order at Haldir and the pair of them managed to wrestle the wok from Legolas. The only way they had been able to do it was when Haldir cleverly seized the candelabra off the sideboard and smacked the elf over the head with it. Unlike Gimli, his skull was not quite as think and he was out cold in an instant, not to mention at the candles were lit and the glue that Legolas had accidentally put I his hair that morning was very flammable.
Haldir squealed in fright when Legolas's hair blazed alight. Gandalf handed him Aragorns beer and Haldir poured it all over Legolas's head in an attempt to put out the flames. The room was full of smoke that smelt like a mixture between singed socks, cigarette smoke and Legolas's aftershave. No one had quite worked out why he needed after-shave seeing as he supposedly didn't need to shave.
Aragorn took the wok and ran outside. There was a splash and everyone assumed that he'd thrown it in the pool. Merry wasn't sure if this was the best idea seeing as how Legolas could supposedly swim better than any of them and would have no trouble at all retrieving the wok. But then again, Merry reminded himself; he had never actually seen the elf swim. Either way, it was pretty certain one of the pirates whose ship floated around in the middle of the pool would find the wok before Legolas would. Merry only hoped that they wouldn't find a more 'creative' use for it.
Legolas's hair was still on fire, the beer doing little but making it splutter and burn faster. Lamoo screamed as she came out, a milk moustache on her lip, when she saw her Leggie's hair on fire. In primary school she had been taught that when you're on fire, you have to stop, drop, roll, so she tried to do the same to the elf, who through all this, was unconscious.
"Don't do that!" bellowed Sam. "you have to smother the flames with a blanket!"
Haldir ripped the tablecloth off the table, making all the crockery and everything else smash onto the floor. He tried to smother the flames in Legolas's hair with the cloth but only succeeded in setting the tablecloth on fire as well.
"Stand on the flames!!" yelled Aragorn, coming back inside. Frodo did and screeched in pain when his bare hobbit feet were scorched by the flames. He tripped over the elf and fell flat on top of him.
Then Gimli, showing extraordinary logic, ran into the kitchen and filled a jug up with water. He rushed back and poured the whole lot on Legolas's head. The flames spluttered and went out and the elf remained oblivious to everything.
Lamoo quietly slipped out the back door and Aragorn could see her running towards the pool. A shiny pink boat glided up to the edge and she hopped aboard. The ranger rolled his eyes when he saw Will Turner and Jack Sparrow waving merrily. He pulled the curtains closed.
"What do we do now?" Gandalf wanted to know as everyone stood in a circle around the elf who was out cold. "He'll kill us all when he finds out what happened to his hair."
"We can just say it was Haldir's fault." Suggested the ranger. "He was the one who put the glue in Legolas's shampoo and hit him with the candles."
"Hey!" exclaimed Haldir in protest. "You told me to hit him! I'm going home, you're scaring Me." he huffed to the front door. "Scaring me more than usual." The door slammed and much to everyone's relief, Haldir was gone for the moment.
"I say we lock him in the bathroom for a day or two so that when he wakes up he cant hurt anyone. Too much, and he'll be able to get over It." Advised Frodo.
"And in those days none of us can have a shower or go to the loo." Replied Gimli. "And if I have to go over to Haldir's to piss I am going to follow the elf's example and get myself hit on the head with a candlestick."
"It's a candelabra." Interrupted Pippin. "And Percy says that Legolas didn't chose to be whacked so you can't really follow his example."
Gimli glared, giving Pippin much the same look as Legolas had moments before. "I am beginning to think that Parsnip soup would be very good about now." he said, letting the threat sink him.
The hobbit's eyes widened in horror and he gaped speechlessly. "You wouldn't!" he yelled.
Gimli raised and eyebrow. "Oh wouldn't I." He said, repeating the elf's earlier words.
"I think its time we all went to bed now." suggested Aragorn, trying to avoid any more conflict. It was bad enough already, that as the only vaguely sane, conscious person that he would be the one having to clean up the smashed dishes from when Haldir had pulled the tablecloth off the table when everything was still on top of it. The washing up still had to be done and Aragorn had to find something to do with Legolas for the time being.
The hobbits scurried off followed by Gandalf leaving Gimli and Aragorn in the kitchen with the elf who was lying with his hair scorched on the floor.
"You shouldn't wind him up like that." Aragorn told Gimli as he fetched the broom and begun to sweep up the broken glass up off the floor. "This is like the fourth time this month that he's been whacked on the head with something. I know he's an elf, but even so, being out cold because of a smack to the head cant be healthy."
"I didn't wind him up!" protested Gimli, putting his hands on his hip. "He is just so bad tempered."
"He never used to be." Aragorn mused, thinking back to the days where the fellowship was actually fighting orcs and trolls. Legolas had been so quiet and patient. Until Lamoo had appeared. "She did it." Aragorn said,
"Who did what?" Gimli wanted to know.
"Lamoo. She was the one who made Legolas act like this all the time." The ranger replied, sweeping up the last bits of smashed crockery. "Now help me lug him onto the couch." He added, giving the unconscious elf a kick in the side. Legolas didn't stir.
Gimli nodded and with not too much difficulty, he and Aragorn managed to haul Legolas into the lounge room and onto the couch.
"I'm going to bed." Gimli said. Aragorn didn't argue and the dwarf strolled off down the hallway.
Aragorn plonked down on the second couch and looked over at the elf.
A small sneaky voice spoke. "You know, now would be a very good time to get some of the slash fanfiction written."
Aragorn was shocked and appalled. He glanced around for the source of the voice but couldn't see anything. But he had been taught as a child that just because you cannot see something doesn't mean its not there. "Hello? Anyone there?" he called out.
"Someone is always here." Replied the voice. Aragorn glanced over at the elf, the area around Legolas's left eyebrow very swollen and red. His hair was scorched in places, merely singed in others.
"Stupid voices." Muttered Aragorn, thinking that the small sneaky voice he was hearing must be his own imagination. He was disgusted however, that his own mind could fester such an idea. He shuddered and decided to go to bed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next morning, Legolas awoke with no recollection whatsoever as to what had happened the night before. As a matter of fact, he did not seem to remember the past year as well as several other things that he should have had permanently engraved in his head by now.
Merry and Pippin were the first afoot, which was rather extraordinary for they were notorious for being rooted to their beds on weekdays. Today was Monday and they were up and ready for work. Sam was up only minutes after, beginning to cook breakfast, as usual. Gimli emerged from his room sometime after, his beard and hair more dishevelled than usual. Gandalf surfaced nearly an hour later, revealing to all that he had been up since dawn singing to his pot plants.
Everyone sitting at the table eating breakfast chose not to ask why he bothered when all the wizard had by way of living things in his room was mould, bacteria and a rather dead looking parrot that sat in a cage all day shouting obscene things at anyone blonde. This may have had something to do with the incident when Legolas got so annoyed with the bird, along with the other members of the fellowship, and at their bidding, threw the bird into the pool.
The pirates rescued it and from then on, the bird had a deep veined hatred of blondes.
"Good bacon." Said Merry as he gobbled down a rasher of raw bacon. He squirted maple syrup into his mouth and swallowed, smiling.
Aragorn came out of his room looking like he hadn't slept at all, not much later. Legolas was still on the couch. The ranger had huge purple shadows under his eyes and he had a severe case of bed hair. He slumped down in his seat and pulled the box of cornflakes towards him, opting to deny himself Sam's bacon in fear that it might make him puke. That was the last thing he needed.
"When should we wake Legolas?" murmured Frodo, who had woken around the same time Sam had.
"Never." Suggested Pippin. "He will he oh so cross."
"Stop talking like that." Scolded Merry, narked.
"Talking like what?" Pippin wondered.
"Oh so cross." Repeated Merry. "Don't say that, you sound like more of a girl than usual."
"Speaking of Girls," Gimli spoke up, turning to Aragorn. "Arwen rang yesterday afternoon. She wanted you to call her back."
"And you were planning on telling me this when?" the ranger wanted to know.
"It slipped my mind." Gimli said with a shrug. "Besides, you never bother ringing her back anyway."
"I do so!" exclaimed Aragorn, leaping to his own defence. Everyone snickered and tried to avert their eyes. The ranger sighed. "Fine. So what if I never call her back? At least I have the right to know when she calls."
"Yea, she is your wife after all." Laughed Frodo.
"I say we wake the elf up now." Aragorn said, trying to change the subject. "You can do the honours." He said to Gandalf and Gimli.
It took a little persuading before Gimli and Gandalf stood beside the couch on which the elf slept. His bump on the head was swollen and his forehead bruised. Gimli kept his distance, afraid that Legolas might lash out, and poked the elf with the vacuum cleaner hose.
Gandalf was more ignorant that unafraid however and gave Legolas's arm a gentle prod. The elf smiled in his sleep and muttered something in elvish, which made Aragorn snicker.
"What did he say?" Sam wanted to know.
Aragorn chuckled. "He's mumbling about Galadriel's lacy knickers." He replied. The rest of the fellowship snorted with laughter, all of them wondering when exactly Legolas had seen Galadriel's knickers.
Gandalf poked Legolas again and he began to stir. He woke slowly and rubbed his head, wondering why it was so sore.
"Morning." He mumbled, pulling himself into a sitting position and rubbing his eyes. "Why is everyone looking at me? Whatever it was, I swear I didn't do it."
The others stood back and waited for comprehension to dawn. They all braced themselves; ready for the explosion of anger that was soon to come when Legolas remembered what had happened.
Surprisingly, nothing did happen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
TBC
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AN/ mwa haa haa! Only I know what's happened to Legolas! Tee hee!
Ok, after a long wait, here are the replies to your reviews.
I cant thank all of you enough for the reviews which act as little pinnacles of light to get me through horrible times where the only ideas that seem to come to mind involve tacky Mary-Sues, or giant clowns. Thankyou dudes and dudettes.
Andboriel Swan: of course Gandalf likes his tie, he LOVES his tie! Hehe, but rest assured that you'll never see anyone else wearing it, for even Aragorn, who has very bad taste, wouldn't be caught dad wearing it. Indonesia! Yay, well, actually Bali is really different from the rest of it, but I reckon it's all wonderful. And when it comes to the bathroom incident, you're welcome. I don't think I could have stood it myself to have had to write that. Thanks a million for you reviews.
Enelya: ohh, I just love reading your reviews, nice and long. Hehe. Yes, our darling Aragorn can be a bit dim sometimes can't he? Especially with the piranha. Haven't you seen the loony tunes episode with bugs bunny and that big hairy orange monster and bugs gives him a manicure and there are mousetraps in the water? I thought I might try something different, and as a result the world is less one horrible little fishy and someone had grilled fish for dinner that night. And I'm happy that someone, anyone, actually reads my ANs. Well, I guess it doesn't really make much difference, but still. Ooh, maybe the fellowship should go to New Caledonia next year? After they go to Germany and several other places. Ohhh, I just had an evil idea. Hmm, don't mind me. And I agree, it is a shame that people don't get payed for writing fanfics. Actually, I'm kinda glad cos then all the really good writers out there would take over my little obsession and my crappy, disturbing little stories would be overshadowed so much. And I do watch Queer eye, I love it!! Can you believe that they're making an Australian version? I reckon that'll be soooo lame, but your comments gave me some more evil ideas. Give the next chapter a read to find out. Tee hee. And just for the books, I want to read your fics, I'll have to do that once ive finished here, and yea, I know you wouldn't copy a shirtless Legolas, besides, that idea is not mine, never has been, and unfortunately, never will be. Legolas topless is a regular topic in the crazy little world of fan fictions. So, after listening to me blab on for ages, I am going to tell you one more thing, wait, two, no three. Thankyou soo soo soo much for your reviews, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one, and oh bugger, forgot the third one. Guess there's only two. Bye.
Elfchick123: loved it? I loved your review! Made me veddy veddy happy it did. Its always nice to know when people like what you write. I will not mention that I still kinda think this story is a tad on the lame side and that I don't think its as good as people make it out to be. You go on thinking that this story is good, cos although it is a strange little load of Legolas poop, I shall continue writing cos I love it. The story, not the Legolas poop.
XhellsFireX: I know exactly how you feel with long reviews. They're always nice to receive, but rather tiresome and tedious to write. Unless you type fast, which I do not. Anyway, you're not tired anymore, so you have no excuse not to write me a nice long review.
Inweofnargothrond: personally I hate chicken flavoured rice crackers. They're icky. Plain one are the best. Anyway, anyone know where I can get myself a pair of musical socks? Hmm, maybe I could get Gimli to knit me a pair. And no one was being mean to Percy, for a few reasons. Number one, no matter what Pippin says, Percy is a vegetable and does not have a brain, number two, he fully deserves every insult for being a yucky parsnip, which, did I mention, were yucky. supposedly, I've never tried one. And Bali would have to be the best place on earth. Sun, sea, sand, and SHOPPING!! Yay. It's wonderful! Anywho, thanks for your reviews, always make me smile when I read em.
Banx: whoo! Hope you enjoyed the Haldir in this Chapter! Hehe. But I'm back now, and I swear I am never doing anything like nanowrimo again. until next year. Hehe. Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but you knew I'd be back didn't you? But if you got Hal-dear to burn out your eyes, then you wouldn't be able to look at beautiful Hal-dear or Leggy any more. I suggest finding a nice comfy crate and stuffing Gimli in it then floating the box down a river. hobbit style. Hope I didn't leave you handing too long, and just in case I did, you get two chapters for the price of one! Yay!
Aelimir: by the comment you made in your last review I gathered that you liked the last chapter. Hehe. Hope you liked this one too, fight scene! Yay. And I'm so sorry I left you hanging, the month wasn't that bad was it? Anyway, the point is I'm back, I'm replying to reviews, and you all get two chapters. I am expecting some reviews after this. Lol.
Legolas Stalker: Helooo there my fellow elf kidnapper. Will says he enjoyed his little holiday at your secret hideaway, but he missed Elizabeth. *Lamoo growls and brandishes big pointy stick* feel free to take Will after these two chapters, cos I have the feeling that he is the last thing Legolas is going to need in the upcoming chapters. And I solemnly promise to never do any more dwarf nudity again. To tell the truth, al I really wanted to see was everyone's reaction. Quite sick aren't I? Thankies for your reviews, they make be veddy veddy happy indeed.
Kawaii Elf Girl: I love the song that never ends, it is the best! Wonder how long Aragorn could endure Merry and Pippin singing it on the plane on the way to Bali before he snaps? A few chapters still to come before the big holiday chapters, but I'm really quite eager now to see how long it'll be before our friend the ranger snaps. Hope this chapter passed your ruthless inspection and that you don't find the next one too disturbing. No dwarves, I promise.
Robyn The Pirate: ack, if I had knows how people would react when I said no updates for a month, maybe I would have rethought that whole nanowrimo thing. But, it doesn't matter now; I'm back in fanfiction land and ready for some serious sugar induced writing. Pleased, very pleased, very very pleased that you liked the last chapters. And just because people suggest eating Percy the Parsnip doesn't mean they'll actually do it. Maybe Gimli will make a candle out of it, somehow. not quite sure, but I think the threat was just to scare the darling little Pippin, who tends to be a tad on the gullible side. And of course you can come to Bali! The more the merrier! But not in the boat. ( I'm sorry, but you'll have to get on a plane, but Will and Jack probably will end up tagging along. And yes, I was trying to give you nightmares with the Gimli in the shower thing. Well not really, I was just interested to see people's reactions. Someone remind me never to do such a thing EVER again. And I didn't say I'd not be updating ever again, I just said things would be put on hold for a month. Is that a crime? Hehe. Lol. Say hi to Norman for me.
Raven Demon: heya there fellow fanfictioner. (That is now a word in the Lamoo dictionary. yes.) anyway, thanks for the reviews and thankyou a dozen more times for putting me in your fanfiction. Hope you liked the last chapter and that the next once passes your screening. Lol. Enjoy!
Marissa03: hope you continue to keep writing your fic cos I reckon it is soooooo much better than this; I love it, so keep it coming. Well, what can I say; very happy you liked the last chapter. And frankly all my elvish comes from one of those handy dictionary websites. *Hangs head in shame* pathetic huh? Well, it gets the job done, so meh, who cares. Your elvish is so much better than mine anyway. And Lego is a vegetarian when it suits him. Hehe. Just a health food addict, not necessarily vegetarian. Enjoy the next chappie.
And last but certainly not least, my somewhat evil buddy.
Mr Bean: there are a lot of things I could say to you, but basically they all basically mean the same thing. I am so grateful to you. You're a great mate and you did me a favour by reading my stuff when no body else would. And you've stuck on when other people have gotten bored of me. I seriously cant thank you enough. And I DO NOT want you to tell me one more time that you love this story, I think I have already established that you think that. I'm flattered, so again, thankyou Yay. Fanfiction for me is a bit of an escape from yearlies and stuff. I don't think I'll menton again that this chapter was written in the final week of November when I was sposed to be nanwrimoing. Hey, lets face it, I get bored of stupid Kiri and Saelir. yes, I used one of my RP characters. I love him! But he's boring. And prey tell, what is wrong with Legolas without a shirt? Quite pretty if you ask me. which I must remind myself, you did not. And the reason I did not describe Gimli's shower incident in detail is because I knew no one would be able to write me reviews if they puked all over their keyboard. Hehe. And if you like reading, maybe you should broaden your horizons a little and explore the world of LOTR fanfiction. If not, there will always be a TF&TEND chapter here once in a while for you. So, as I have said about a gazillion times, thankyou. Oh yea, and you're welcome. I love doing this, so its not like it's a chore or anything. Ta ta, and try not to be too disturbed by the next chapter *cackles evilly* don't worry, no dwarf nudity, you can rest assured that I will never try that one again.
Well. That took a lot longer than I expected, but now everyone's happy so now you can all run away and read the next chapter. Enjoy it people, cos I enjoyed writing it.
Oh yea, as always, don't forget to review!
Love Lamoo.
Ps. I never ended up getting 50 000 for NaNoWriMo anyway, so I'm not likely to try that little trick again. not till next November anyway.
