Loki had to carry me back to my bedroom. I kept my face firmly in the crook of his neck, reluctant to meet the eyes of any of my teammates. Utter mortification was seeping in as I calmed down. Not only had Loki seen me like that, but so had Steve, Nat, and Bruce—and the rest of the team would surely be clued in. They were all going to know soon enough. Six years of secret keeping and smiling masks, washed down the drain in less than an hour.
The god set me very carefully on my bed where I immediately turned my face into a pillow. He couldn't see me like this. He would never look at me the same, never want me the same if he saw this. Still, when his hand gently moved away from mine, my face spun to him, panic brewing in my eyes.
"Don't go," I whimpered before I could stop myself. "Please."
"Never," he whispered, a pained look crossing his face as he sat carefully on the edge of my bed, his body twisted to face me. "I simply want not to… to do anything that would cause you discomfort." There was a soft gust of air, and in a shimmer of green light his armor was gone, replaced by the most casual outfit I had ever seen him in—a simple green tee-shirt and black sweatpants. As I pulled the blankets down to curl up under them, I tugged the edge next to him down too, asking with my actions for him to join me. He did in a heartbeat and immediately took me into his arms, letting me bury myself in his chest once more.
There was a long silence. When I couldn't take it anymore, I murmured nervously into his skin, not wanting to look up at him. Still terrified to see his reaction. "Do you hate me?"
His hand was in my hair immediately, stroking it more softly than I imagined was possible. "In all of eternity, I could never hate you," he said seriously. "And there is nothing about this situation that could possibly cause me to. My hatred is directed at the vile rat who hurt you."
I flinched at his scathing tone. He tugged mw tighter immediately, murmuring apologies and kissing my forehead. "Tell me what to do, darling," he pleaded. "Tell me how I can help you."
"I just need you to hold me." It came out weaker than I wanted, a faint sob breaking through as my mind went into a fresh assault of memories. He tugged me impossibly closer, as if he wanted to meld our bodies together.
The dam broke. Within seconds I was a weeping mess, surely ruining his shirt with tears and snot, but so caught in the cruelty of my own mind that I barely noticed. The damned stained mattress was there again, the chains that hung over it rattling as they secured around my wrists, effectively eliminating any means of escape. I was there, I could feel it… but I could also feel something much softer under me, someone much gentler cooing in my ear.
"Focus on me, love."
Loki.
Loki.
Loki.
I repeated it as a chant through my mind, trying to force myself to overcome those panicked memories with the feel of his chest under me and the sound of his soft voice in my ear. Another sob tugged from my throat as I struggled.
"Áine. I need you to take a deep breath for me, darling, please."
I tried, I really did, but my lungs didn't seem to be responding to my gasps, not able to fill all the way even if I was taking in air. A sharp edge of panic was forming in my head—but why? Why did I need to breathe? Surely getting away from this pain would be better, regardless of the consequences.
A slight sigh was breathed near my ear, and then the hand in my hair was moving to my forehead, two fingers pressing there gently. A flash of warmth and comfort went through my body, and at last, darkness silenced my thoughts.
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
Loki was reluctant to leave her alone on the bed, but he knew that his spell would keep her sleeping peacefully for another hour or so. He also knew that he needed to process—something that he was historically not very good at and was therefore unwilling to get too deep into with one he loved so dearly next to him.
He didn't get very far, sinking down against her door as soon as it closed behind him. His long legs stretched out in front of him as he leaned his head back onto the wood. What in Hel? How did he not know? How did nobody know?! How was that file ever placed in front of her, that picture forced into her sight? How did it get to this?
His usually clear mind was swimming. His eyes were closed, but he didn't need them to know who it was that carefully sat next to him in the hallway.
It was a long moment before the other man spoke. "Brother?" he asked cautiously. "What is it?"
Loki's only response was to pull his knees up close to his body and lean his head against them. Thor patted an uncertain hand to his brother's shoulder as Natasha appeared in the hallway.
"Please tell me I'm wrong," she said lowly. Loki looked up at the Widow with deadened eyes. That was enough answer for her, and she joined them on the floor, legs crossed, looking at them sadly.
"Did you know?" Loki asked quietly. He couldn't imagine she would, couldn't imagine that file would ever be given to her if she did. But he had to know. He had to know if she'd been suffering in silence all these years.
"It would have been in her file if anyone knew," Natasha confirmed. Loki exhaled harshly.
"What, uh… What are we all doing on the floor?" Tony asked, joining them next to Nat without hesitation while unwrapping a granola bar.
"He raped her," Loki said emotionlessly. He didn't necessarily want to tell them without her permission, but he couldn't think correctly, and he needed their help in any way he could get it.
Thor tensed next to him while Tony choked on his granola bar. "Excuse me, what? Who?"
Natasha tossed the file she'd brought onto the floor in front of him. "Him."
"And we're talking about…" Tony gestured to Áine's door, his eyebrows knit.
Loki's eyes snapped back to the group, unadulterated rage flickering on his face. "Where can I find the roach?" he spat, glancing at the file again.
"Like I said, we're not sure," Bruce said, entering the hallway with Steve. "But we—"
"Not sure is not enough!" Loki roared, suddenly shooting up. Thor stood with him immediately, his eyes going wide as he noticed a flash of blue through Loki's hands. The other god noticed too and staggered forward a bit, staring at his hands in shock.
"Brother," Thor said cautiously, raising a hand slowly to take his shoulder, "I think we should take this conversation outside." He eyed the ceilings carefully, trying to gauge their height.
"What the fuck was that?" Tony asked, also staring at Loki's hands, but Thor was already dragging him through the hall and down the stairs, getting both of them outside into the courtyard as soon as he could. The rest of the team followed. Wanda and Vision, who had been taking a walk in the fresh air, approached them curiously.
"Is this like a…" Bruce gestured to himself and then mimed blowing up, "thing?"
"This is not my brother's true form," Thor said lowly, still keeping a firm hand on Loki's shoulder.
Loki was still staring at his hands in shock. "This has never happened before," he mumbled. They were back to normal now, looking just as they should, but the icy chill remained.
"I'm gonna need more of an explanation than that," Tony insisted.
Suddenly Loki looked up, his eyes wide. "No one is with her," he said, tone laced with fear. "I have to… someone must…"
"I'll go now," Natasha said softly, turning on her heel and heading back to stand guard outside Áine's door. He knew she would be under a while longer until the spell wore off, but he couldn't bear the thought of her being alone.
"Hellooooo," Tony said, waving his hand to get the attention of the brothers. "What do you mean by 'this isn't his true form'? Because that's sounding pretty ominous."
"My brother was not born Asgardian," Thor said slowly, finally removing his hand from Loki's shoulder. "He was adopted by my father."
Loki scoffed dryly. "What an interesting way to say that I am a monster."
"You are no monster, Loki," Thor said quietly, still remaining close and cautious.
"That is rich coming from you, brother," Loki hissed, narrowing his eyes. "After a thousand years of war, I know what I am."
Steve, who had been watching the exchange interestedly from the side of the group, stepped forward. "Does it matter what you are? We need to figure out how to deal with this and how to help."
"I mean, I would like to know what he is," Tony said suspiciously, crossing his arms over his chest.
The god narrowed his eyes. "I am Loki Laufeyson, prince and rightful heir to the throne of Jotunheim."
"Okay, sure," Tony said with a sarcastic nod. "For those of us in the group who aren't gods, how about you explain that one?"
Vision stepped forward then. "Perhaps we should all take a moment to calm down. What is happening?" Bruce sighed heavily and led the witch and her love a few feet away to speak to them quietly.
"How tall are your ceilings?" Thor asked Tony curiously.
"Not loving that question," Tony muttered with his eyes narrowed. "Ten feet. Why?"
Thor looked at Loki, sizing him up. "That may be enough."
"Loving that even less."
"I am a monster," Loki snarled, crossing his arms over his chest and attempting to stalk back into the compound, only to have Steve and Bruce block his way. "Move."
Without warning, Wanda moved to Loki and placed her hand on his face, a red glow on her hand. She looked at him and nodded.
"Let him go. He won't hurt her."
The witch rarely spoke, particularly to him, but he shot her a grateful look as Steve and Bruce parted, more out of surprise than anything. Loki stalked forward once more, hesitating with his hand on the door before turning his head slightly.
"Tell them if you must, brother," he sighed, defeated, before entering the compound and heading to her room once more.
[][][][][][][][][][][]
The nothingness of unconsciousness was bliss compared to the recesses of my mind that had suddenly been pushed to the forefront. I woke slowly, my mind blank, re-emerging into the world with a small smile playing on my lips. I could feel the body in the bed next to me and knew who it was without even looking. His scent, his feel, his aura, whatever it was—I always knew it was him.
I rolled over without opening my eyes and snuggled into Loki with my hand resting on his chest. "Heya," I yawned.
"Hello, my love," Loki said softly. He leaned over to kiss my forehead and I smiled happily.
Wait.
Wait.
I shot up as the memory of what had happened before my sleep came back to me and wrenched open my eyes. Loki was watching me warily, sitting up slowly himself. "Shit," I hissed, putting my head in my hands. Son of a bitch. I ruined everything.
"What is it?" Loki asked quickly.
I sighed and looked up at him. "God, I'm pathetic. How did I get to sleep?" I winced at the memory of the burn in my lungs from lack of air. "I didn't faint, did I?"
"You could not breathe," he replied, still watching warily. "So I…" A little glow of green appeared on his fingers and he looked at me sheepishly. "I apologize."
I shook my head and closed my eyes. "No, don't be. That was probably the best move. I swear it won't happen again," I insisted apologetically as I scrambled off the bed. I watched him for a sign that he was going to leave. He was a god, strong and perfect, and I was… flipping out about a single negative experience.
But he was only looking at me with confusion and concern. "You cannot make promises when it comes to emotion, love," he said as he stood. The sweatpants and tee-shirt were replaced by one of his black suits in a flicker of green light.
I brushed him off and began moving to the door. God, I felt like an idiot. I should never have requested to remove myself from that mission. A little thing like this shouldn't be keeping me from doing my job. "Do you know where Nat is?" I asked as you strode into the hallway, Loki on my tail.
"I believe everyone is downstairs in the living room." I froze and turned toward him.
"They all know, don't they?"
I knew the answer before he said anything and turned away again. I couldn't meet his eyes. Not when he was looking at me with this much sadness, this much… pity. "I'm sorry, darling, I—"
But I was already running down the stairs, stopping short when I got to the doorway and found everyone looking at me with a mix of shock and that damn pity again. I ignored all of them but Natasha, marching up to her on the couch next to Bruce with my arms crossed over my chest.
"Put me back on the mission."
Nat blinked at me and arched her eyebrows. "That isn't a good idea."
"Put me back on," I hissed again, narrowing my eyes at her.
"It's not her call," Steve interrupted, standing from his usual armchair and holding out his hands as if trying to calm an angry lion. "It's mine."
"Then you put me back on. I don't give a shit who does it, put me back."
Cap took a deep breath but stood firm. "No."
I let out a frustrated yell and stomped my foot, well aware that I was acting like a toddler having a tantrum, but not caring at all. Everything changed. Just like I'd been afraid of, now it was out, and now everything changed. I would be stripped of my title. I couldn't be an Avenger if you couldn't go on assignment, and if I couldn't be an Avenger I couldn't live at the compound with Loki, with my family. Six fucking years wasted.
My legs carried me out of the compound and into the courtyard before I realized it. I was stomping straight toward the edge of the woods that stretched beyond the manicured yard. The trees were calming. It was easy to sit among them with my thoughts, and just as easy to sit there and make my mind go blank. There was a spot about a half mile in that I frequented when I needed to think—a boulder near a creek that was perfect for contemplation.
Someone had followed me out, but I didn't look back. It wasn't Loki, that much I could tell, and I figured whoever it was had been sent to babysit me. Whatever. If they were kicking me out, I wouldn't be their problem much longer.
It only took about five minutes to get to the boulder, and I huffed and sat down cross-legged, waiting for my shadow to make themselves known. They sat down next to me a few seconds later and I looked at them, surprised to see the soft face of Wanda Maximoff watching me.
For a long time the two of us sat in silence, watching the flow of the creek and listening to the insects buzzing around us. As much as I wanted to clear my mind, thoughts kept flickering in—I'd just lost my boyfriend, my family, and my home.
"When do I have to be out by?" I finally asked without looking up.
"What are you talking about?"
I looked up at Wanda with a sad smile. "If I can't go on assignment, I'm useless as an Avenger. I have no right to be here."
"It's one assignment," she said with her eyebrows knit. "There's going to be dozens of others. Letting someone else handle this one is not a reason to kick you off the team."
"Did you confirm that with Rogers? Stark? Banner?" I laughed dryly and looked back at the water. "Who the fuck is going to want me now?"
The words came out as a whisper and I closed my eyes again against the wave of emotion that hit me. Wanda reached out and patted my knee comfortingly. "We all do," she said softly. "No one wants you to leave, Áine. We want to help you."
"What's there to even help?" I growled, looking off into the forest. The sun was starting to go down, the trees casting long shadows over each other.
There was another moment of silence until Wanda spoke again. "I've never been in my shoes. I don't know what you're going through, not truly." She paused again and I looked up at her curiously, wondering where she was going with this. "But I know what it's like to have decisions made for you. I know what it's like for someone else to use you. Our experiences aren't the same, but maybe we can help each other go through the healing process together."
I started to tear up again. Me and Wanda were friendly—the two of us and Nat spent a fair amount of time together and even went into the city together for meals or shopping with relative frequency. But I'd never conversed like this, never gotten this raw with her. I didn't know she cared this much. With a choked sob I reached out and pulled her into a hug that she returned fiercely.
"They really don't hate me?" I whispered against her shoulder.
"I'm positive," she assured me, pulling back and holding me by the shoulders so I would look at her. There was nothing but concern and honesty there, and for the first time I felt hopeful. Maybe I wasn't losing everything.
Wanda looked out at the rapidly darkening woods. "We should go back," she said, standing up. "The others will be worrying about us."
I nodded and followed her move, the two of us beginning to walk back. The ground was shadowy, but the witch beside me waved her hand, conjuring a ball of red light that guided the way. I watched with a grin. Every time Wanda used her skills, I was fascinated.
The walk was leisurely, but sure enough, as soon as we broke through the tree line I saw Loki and Vision across the yard, waiting anxiously on the patio. As soon as he saw me Loki walked briskly forward, meeting me halfway. Vision didn't even bother with walking—he floated to Wanda and took her arm in his.
Loki wrapped me in a tight hug when he reached me. "I was worried," he breathed into my hair, kissing the top of my head. I relaxed into his embrace.
"I'm not being kicked out?" I asked in a much smaller voice than I meant, looking up at him.
He started leading me back towards the compound with Vision and Wanda trailing behind, speaking softly to each other. "Of course not," he told me with his arm intertwined with mine. "I told you that you would be safe with me, and I meant it."
"And I'm not being taken off assignments?"
"I am unsure where you are getting these ideas, but no. You are not being taken off assignments. This one thing can be handled without you, darling, and my skills we be just as useful and needed on other missions."
Gods. This man always knew what to say. "I'm so sorry about today," I said as the two of us paused on the porch. Wanda and Vision entered the compound, allowing us some privacy.
Loki looked down at me and smiled, brushing his hand against my face. "You have no reason to be. I am glad I know now, pet." He pulled me into a hug again. I was always surprised with how physical Loki was, especially considering how standoffish he'd been before we got together and still tended to be around others. But it was so nice. It was so calming and safe in his arms. I let my eyes closed and laid my cheek against his chest as he kissed my hair.
When I shivered, he pulled me back into the compound and into the kitchen. I slid onto a stool at the island and eyed him. "What are you doing?"
Loki glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow while rooting around in the fridge. "Cooking you dinner."
I scoffed as he emerged with a package of chicken. "No, really, what are you doing?"
"Cooking you dinner," he said again slowly, looking at me like I was crazy. I blinked, a wide grin appearing on my face.
"Well, aren't I honored," I joked, fanning my face with my hand. "Prince Loki of Asgard, cooking for a common Midgardian. Do you even know how to cook?"
Loki rolled his eyes while opening a cabinet to eye the spices. "Darling, I am not incompetent."
"That would be because our mother made him work in the kitchens every time he stabbed me," Thor said, sliding into the seat next to me. I looked up at him with some shock.
"Excuse me?"
Loki shot him a glare before grabbed a few bottles and a canister of breadcrumbs and closing the cabinet. "It was not as frequent as my brother makes it out to be."
Thor grinned widely. "Loki has always been…" Thor cocked his head and looked at me. "A bit stabby. 'If you must use a knife, at least put it to good use'," he said in a high-pitched impersonation of Frigga.
Loki pointed at him. "Keep it up, brother, and I'll not make any for you." Thor mimed zipping his lips, trying to hold back his smile. "Midgardian ingredients are a bit different, but I believe I can make it work."
"Do you need any help?" I asked curiously, watching him grab a small mixing bowl and begin pouring in flour and some spices after suspiciously sniffing each one.
He hummed. "If you would like to make a vegetable dish, pet, that would be lovely." I bounced up and went to the huge fridge, pulling it open to see what there was to make.
"Who's cooking? Are we sharing with the class?" came Natasha's voice. I pulled my head out of the fridge triumphantly with a few heads of broccoli and smiled at her, then looked over at Loki, who sighed.
"Take out the other package of chicken for me, darling."
Nat—a legendarily horrid cook—clapped her hands together happily. "Excellent. What are we having?" she asked as Cap and Bruce ambled in as well.
"And the third package," Loki said. "This is the last chance for anyone who would like to eat with us to say so."
"Babe, just make enough for everyone," I said, pecking his cheek. His lips pursed as he tried to hide his smile while tossing the spices with some flour. "I don't know if you realize this, but you people eat a lot."
Dinner ended up being a family affair, with Tony wandering down once he smelled the chicken cooking and Wanda dragging Vision in shortly after. We all sat around the long, rarely-used dining table—even Vision, who had no need to eat but tried some anyway. Loki was right—he could cook, and the chicken was surprisingly delicious, if a little unusually seasoned.
More importantly, no one looked at me with pity. There were laughs and clinking glasses, lighthearted teasing and wine, but no mention of what happened earlier, no glances in my direction beyond friendly faces and smiles. It was… not really normal, since the whole team had never sat down to a spontaneous meal together, but still incredibly nice. Homey. For the first time in my life, I felt well and truly at home.
