"What happens if Nathan had broken her heart too much? What happens if she cannot recover from this?" he looked into her mother's eyes, he was scared.
"Walking away is never the answer, no matter how hard it gets, Lucas. Just imagine how hard it is for Haley, just imagine it, and imagine her going through this alone. I am thinking that alone is not as easy. Do not let her go through this alone."
"I am sorry for the way that I reacted, I know that this is even harder for Haley, because she is experiencing this, but it is hard for me looking in seeing her in pain, and then feeling so helpless. I want to take the world off her shoulders and put it on mine, but it is not that easy. I want to rewind history and tell her I love her and that I support her in any decision that she chooses to make, so when she went on the tour she knew that she had at least someone's support for following her ambitions. I want go back to the day that she returned from the tour and have Nathan love her for the person that she is. I want her heart not to be broken."
"Life does not go that way though, Lucas."
"I know it, I know it, Ma. But I just wish it did, for Haley's sake."
"Go back in the lobby and sit with Brooke, she does not need to be alone right now either."
"Ma, I do not get your thing with Brooke. I really do not understand how she can be feeling any where to as close of pain as Haley is feeling."
"Maybe not physically, but mentally, emotionally, she is feeling it. She has just been hiding it from the world. Lucas, when you left tonight, I went into the bathroom and she was sobbing uncontrollably, the pain that she had been enduring goes past just a broken heart from you, or the loss of her best friend. She has been enduring a broken heart practically since she had come out of the womb; she told me tonight that she was pretty sure that it was broken at birth. There has never been one person in her life that she could say loved her for who she was. She has never had that, she has always been alone. And sometimes you get used to it, and do not care anymore. But sometimes, like in Brooke's case, it just gets to be too much, and it just hurts too much to be alone anymore. She had reached that point, and she does not want to be alone anymore."
"It seems like I have been absence in the lives of the people that I once cared the most about, especially when they need me the most."
"The past is done, all you can do is go on with the presence, and change the future. Haley, and Brooke, and Peyton, they still need you. Yeah, maybe, they needed you in the past as well, but you are not the fixer of all bad, you cannot stop the pain of the world from coming down on the ones that you love, not matter what. You can help them find a better place in their lives right now, and you can be there for them as they recover. You can help write a better future for them, a better future now that you are in it. The past is already completed, you cannot be afraid of it. The only thing that you have to fear is not being the friend that they need now. The only thing you have to fear is for them not to know that you love them. Life does not always go the way that you have planned it, but the days are a little easier when the person that you love knows it. And that they love you back, it is even better."
"Keith loved you so much, Ma."
"And I loved him. It took me a long time to get over Keith's death. But the more that I mourned the more that I realized that Keith loved me, and he died knowing that I love him. You do not want to regret anything Lucas, let the people that you love, know that you love them. Sometimes it is just too late, and you cannot go back and change what is already done. I pray to God that nothing happens to Haley, but what happens if she does not wake up tonight, and you never got to say goodbye or tell her that you love her one last time. You are not going to be able to live with that, I know you are not."
Lucas turned around back towards the hospital and then noticed that his mom was not following him, "Ma, what are you doing? You just gave me that speech and you are not even coming with me?"
"You basically yelled Peyton out of the hospital lobby, and from what you told me tonight, I have a feeling that there is a lot of fear in that girl that left. You told me that Gavin threatened her; well I do not think that Peyton wants to disappoint Gavin. I mean she is going to get hurt either way, I just hope that I can intervene somehow, some way."
"It is not safe, let me go instead."
"Lucas, you have got to make up your mind in who needs you the most right now, you are so fickle, you go back and forth when you think that one might possibly need you more then they other. You were not too nice to Peyton tonight, I do not know if she would be too keen if you showed up at Tric tonight trying to be there for her after you practically harassed her with your words. Luke, I know that it is hard to pick between friends sometimes, and I know that you want to be there for each one of them. Nevertheless, sometimes you have just got to let someone else help you out, you have got to let someone else be there when you cannot. And do not think that you are not helping out, because you are, you care about the person enough that even when you cannot be there, there is some one there holding their hand during uncertain times."
"How did you learn all of this?"
"Learn what?"
"Life. You seem to always know what to say, like for any situation you are able to say the right words and it gets a little bit better."
"I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, Lucas. I mean you can dwell on them or you can learn from them. And if you are lucky sometimes you can help others through your own experiences."
"I have a feeling I do not know you as well as I thought I did. Are you not telling me something, Ma?"
"Lucas, there is a lot about my life that you do not know, but I have not withheld from you for lack of trust. I just have never talked about it, well until tonight…with Brooke," it was the first time since her own teenage-hood that she opened up about what had happened to her during her adolescence. And it was hard, but it was way over due. There was no need to keep everything inside for that long, especially since she was preaching to the choir not to keep it inside too long. She also knew from experience that she really did learn from her past, and all the mistakes that she had made on the way. So it was selfish of her to keep everything inside of her when someone needed her help. It did not matter who it was. Someone was in need. And she could help them.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Lucas, I am fine. I just recalled a lot of things from my past tonight, things that I have not talked about it years, and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. Nevertheless at the same time, I do not know why I have left it in for so long, but I cannot live in regret. And that is what we are going to both be living in if we do not go to our respective persons. Sit with Brooke, do not push her, if she wants to talk, let her, do not jump down her throat before she even gets a chance to finish. Those are her feelings, Lucas; no matter if you do not necessarily believe in them, that is how she feels, and you can never tell someone that their feelings are wrong. I am going to see what I can do with Peyton. Call me if you hear anything about Haley."
"I love you, Ma."
"I love you too."
Karen went to her car and Lucas headed back into the lobby. It had been nearly 20 minutes since he left, he really hoped that the world did not change in the last 20 minutes. He was not ready for it.
Lucas looked around trying to find where Brooke was, he spotted her after a few seconds, her back was towards him, her head rested on her knees, and she just appeared sad to him. Was this who Brooke was all the time? And then she just covered it up with makeup and perceptions and illusions? He walked over to her, "Is this seat taken?"
It honestly took her almost 30 seconds to register that he was talking to her; she was just that emotionally drained from the night. If she had more energy or strength or anything, she would have retorted with a comment that was similar to the ones that they were exchanging earlier, but there was nothing. There was nothing left. "It is all yours."
"Brooke," he started, and then with everything he had inside of him, he stopped himself, and just said, "I am sorry for earlier, I am not the same person anymore, and I know neither are you. I want you to tell me about your world, I want you to tell me about your ambitions, I want you to tell me who you really are. I am just sorry that it has taken me this long to offer. We do not have to talk about this now, but whenever you want to talk about it, I am here," that might have gone too far.
"It might be just too late, Lucas."
"For what? For me to change?"
"Sometimes it is just not about you, Luke. I mean sometimes, just sometimes I have feelings too, and sometimes I want some attention, just one person to care about me, and all about me, even for an hour, I would not even complain. But that is not how it goes, good things happen to bad people, right? But what happens to bad people? What happens to them?"
"Are you doing this for research or a project or something, Brooke? I really hope that you are not talking about yourself. You are not a bad person, you are just lost. And you cannot be lost forever; I hope you know that, the lost always find their way in the end. You have just got to wait."
"What happens if I am not one of them? Or what happens if I cannot wait? What happens if I have waited for 18 years, and have decided that is just too long? What happens if I cannot do it? Or that I am just not strong enough? What if Lucas? I mean I do not have all the answers, I barely know the right answer to what to wear each day. I know surprise, surprise, high-maintenance Brooke cannot pick out a damn outfit. But it was not just a physically outfit, it was more of an outfit to cover my whole persona, whatever the hell she is…or was."
"I am sorry that I have never found the girl that is inside you, the one that resides in your heart. I am sorry that I have never dug deep enough to find her. It is my loss that I have never found her; please never blame yourself for this."
"I do not know what to say to that, Lucas. I have waited so long for someone to say that to me. But it doesn't feel any different; all it feels like is words, just like the rest. I always thought that when someone said that to me, that there would be fireworks and celebrations, not really, but inside at least. But I just feel the same, and I am afraid I am never going to feel anyway else again."
"I am sorry that you feel so alone."
"Honestly, Lucas, I am used to it."
"But sometimes it just gets to be too much, doesn't it?"
"Of course. I mean I have not always been completely alone per say. I have had Peyton and her dad since elementary school. But that was their family, I grew up pretty fast, believe it or not, and I only felt that I could intrude so much. "
"But were you really an intrusion?"
She shrugged her shoulders, "I do not know. Probably not. Peyton and her dad always included me in everything, family stuff, holidays; Mr. Sawyer even came to an award's night for me in the fifth grade."
"So did they know how absent your parents really were in your life?"
"Never. I went home time to time; I would turn down offers sometimes, just so it would not be so obvious that I really had no one there. I made up so many excuses, so many lies for them, which is probably why I am so good at lying to myself. I mean I think I really started to believe the lies that I told myself. 'My dad has a business trip to Africa; he is helping feed the hunger. Oh my mom, she is a surgeon, so good that sometimes that she was so booked that she could not make it home for back to school nights.' I made myself believe that my parents were just really good people and they had to help the other people of the world. And I was just selfish if I pulled them away from their good deeds. News flash, the only people in this world that they ever cared about was themselves. I was just fell for my own lies…I mean I had nothing else to go on."
She hid it well, she really did. Like others had said already her status at school was not the status that was in her heart. Lucas was beginning to get it now though; Brooke was just trying to be the person she thought she could be. Never who she really was. I mean she knew that there was someone deep down in there, but she was not able to grab her and bring her to life. She fought with herself daily to find the person that she was, but the person she wasn't always won.
"I don't know what I am going to do, Lucas," she said looking up into his eyes. And for one second the world stopped. Vulnerability swept over her body, and she was ready to be in his arms forever. But he was partly the cause of the reason she was like this, she had never cared before him. She was fine before him. Why did he make her care so much? Because he was Lucas Scott. Brooke did not want him to answer her dilemma for her; he would just try to give her more hope. And she had no room left for that. "But I will figure it out…eventually."
"Brooke, I can help you."
"Lucas. Please. Stop. You are the reason that I care about anything, you tore away that mask that had encased me for 18 years, and I saw a new side of me. And I had emotions, I cared about others, and I even cared about myself. But this is so much harder then living a fake life. It was so much easier when I did not have to fear being alone. It was so much easier when I was okay being alone. Now I fear it. Because of you. So please do not tell me that you can help me. I am the way that I am right now because of you. You have done enough. Honestly, it was nice at one point, a new feeling if you will. But I can not afford for you to help me anymore. It just hurts too much when it is over."
"It does not have to be over."
"It does for me. I am sorry, Lucas."
"Brooke, are you saying goodbye?"
"Yeah, but not forever, and not to this place. I am saying goodbye to the person I was, and the person I was when I was with you. I am not that person anymore, and neither are you. I have got to learn to live life another way, because I am obviously failing this way. So this is goodbye. I have being living this way for 18 years, we graduate in a few months, and unlike Haley, and Nathan, and Peyton, and even you, I have no idea what I am going to do. You all have so much to offer to the world. I have nothing. So your futures are already set, mine is not even wet or ready to launch. When we graduate, you all will know that those last four years shaped the person you are going to be in the future. Me? I am going to wonder was it all worth it? I thought high school was going to help me determine who I was, but I went there, I went there for 1000 odd days and the only lessons I learned were in French and Math. I never took that class on Brooke 101; I mean I do not think they even offered it because there was no one to teach it. I am afraid of the future."
"Who is not afraid of the future, Brooke? The future is a scary, scary thing. No one knows what is going to happen. But that is the joy of life; it brings a little excitement to your life. No one knows what is going to happen."
"Then why does it feel that way?"
"Because some people have it easier then the rest."
"Like you?"
"Brooke, I have no idea what tomorrow brings. The only thing that I can pray for is that everyone that I love makes it through the night. And I could pray to a thousand gods and that just not be enough. You are saying how everyone in your life seems to know what their future holds. What does Haley's? She might not even have a future left to fight for. Peyton? Who the hell knows what her future is? I mean today she could have changed a little bit, but tomorrow she could go back to her new life of cocaine and maybe take the down spiral approach, and we lose her too. Nathan? Yeah, he got basketball, but Haley was supposed to be his future, that does not look like it is happening. Me? I was ready to have a father, a real one, or at least a real one in writing. Then Jimmy Edwards brings a gun to school, and my father is gone. You think that is what I thought my future was going to be like? No one knows what the next day brings Brooke. Do not take it personally."
Neither of them said anything else after that, or at least not for a while.
