AN/ hello little pumpkins, it's that time again. Time for another silly, random chapter of the Fellowship and the elf next door. I have nothing to say really; apart from sorry for the wait, so for once this will be a very short note at the beginning. Enjoy. Review responses at the end.

Disclaimer: short and sweet, although a little dull: LOTR - not mine

Chapter 13.

Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Haldir revealed his new look, Legolas and Aragorn made it their mission to find Eomer a fan girl, and everyone began to wonder when and where Haldir learnt to cook.

"Whoa," breathed Glorfindel as he gazed at first course.

Glorfindel had known Haldir since he was knee high, and he had never known him to be able to cook much more than a piece of toast.

Glorfindel, along with everyone else was amazed at how the blonde elf in the snappy suit had managed to transform into a world-class chef overnight.

Merry and Pippin, Frodo and Sam all sat on their seats, eyes drawn to the food.

The first course was merely an entrée, a small portion of salad and prawns on a white plate. Yet it did not occur to the hobbits that this was simply an appetizer, not the whole meal and they were looking at their plates sadly, in a rather disappointed way.

"Is this it?" Merry asked, feeling very thwarted.

"It's only the first course," remarked Gimli, who, much to his dismay and annoyance, had ended up seated next to the hobbits.

Pippin gazed around at the other three halflings, expression brighter. The other three were also very pleased that there would be plenty of food.

Eomer meanwhile, began to wolf down his food as soon as it was put in front of him, ignoring the fact that prawn tails aren't really good to eat. Legolas and Aragorn sat alongside the King of Rohan, the elf rolling his eyes, thinking that it was no wonder Eomer didn't have any fangirls if he always acted like a pig, a rabid wolf, or a combination of both.

Without so much as a word, Legolas took Eomer's plate away from him, Eomer complaining loudly when his supply of prawns was confiscated. Legolas went on to explain to the horse lord, who seemed to have the IQ of a pot plant, that to be popular amongst the ladies, one had to be civilised and charming. Of course having a nice butt certainly didn't hurt either, but Legolas didn't want to get Eomer too confused with all these ideas.

Aragorn however, who had plenty of fangirls, did not agree with the elf, saying that it was rugged manly good looks that attracted the ladies. "The girls often find masculine stubble very sexy," He did not make eye contact with the elf, knowing full well that Legolas was probably glaring at him, gaze dripping with venom, as elves happened to be as devoid of facial hair as VCRs were of vegemite sandwiches... mind you, no one but Pippin actually knew that this was not the case.

"Why don't you just try shelling the prawns before you eat them," suggested Legolas, warily placing Eomer's plate back in front of the ravenous horse lord. "And swallow what's in your mouth before your take a bite of something else," added the elf as Eomer proceeded to shell the prawns, stuffing all of them into his mouth at once.

Eomer looked a little guilty, with a mouthful of prawns, so he spat them back out onto his plate. Then, much to Aragorn's amusement and Legolas's distaste and annoyance, Eomer ate the prawns, half chewed up and covered in spit, one by one.

It wasn't long before the first course was over and the guests had gone through about seven bottles of wine. There was the sound of breaking glass suddenly and all eyes turned towards Haldir, who was seated at the head of the table. He held a spoon in one hand, and there was a broken wine glass sitting on the table, which had evidently been broken with the spoon as Haldir tried to catch everyone's attention.

The elf smiled sheepishly and shoved the broken glass off the table and onto the floor. Then, pretending he had never broken the glass, proceeded to beam around at his guests. "I hope you have all enjoyed your entrees," he said. "But it is my duty to inform you that there will be no roast chicken for the main course,"

Everyone's faces fell, and a few people, namely Aragorn and the hobbits, complained loudly about the lack of chicken.

Someone cleverly asked why there was no chicken, and Haldir calmly told them the answer. "I could not bear to cook the poor chook, so I set it free," he grinned, unaware of the odd looks his guests were exchanging with one another. "So now the chicken is frolicking in the wild,"

Everyone turned their gazes to the large expanse of neatly trimmed lawn that was Haldir's back yard. There, in the middle of the yard, was a raw, plucked, headless chicken, 'frolicking'. It appeared that it hadn't occurred to Haldir that the chicken was already dead, so it was no use setting it free. The chicken just sat, plucked and dead, on the grass.

"What are we having for the main course then?" Piped up Aimoo, being the first one to snatch her gaze away from Haldir's chicken, which Pippin in particular was still staring at, looking rather love struck.

"Seafood!" announced Haldir, before he hopped up out of his seat and went to fetch the food.

"What's seafood?" wondered Eomer, elbows on the table.

Legolas resisted the urge to bang his head on the table, and calmly replied: "Food from the sea," he sighed. "Fish, squid, prawns, et cetera."

Eomer grinned, realisation dawning on the rather un-intelligent king of Rohan.

"I knew that," he commented.

"Of course you did," muttered the elf, beginning to lose patience.

Haldir brought out the main course, which was BBQ salmon and salad, and everyone licked their lips in anticipation. However, it appeared that, by the time all the food had been brought to the table, they were one plate short.

Haldir, noticing that one of his dear friends, Marissa, didn't have a plate, did the thing any gentleman would do. He stole Aragorn's and set it down in front of Marissa. What? You really thought Haldir was going to give away his own food?

The ranger complained loudly, banging his fist on the table in disgust, but with the help of a couple of napkins and a bread roll, Legolas, and a random elf named Lithorel... who happened to be one of Lamoo's beloved Role Play elves, who tastes very very good smothered in maple syrup... managed to make Aragorn shut up. So the ranger sat and pouted for the rest of the meal, arms folded, a cross expression on his face.

Midway through the main course it began to rain. However, as all the guests were sitting beneath a huge marquee, sheltered from the rain, no one got wet... with the exception of Aragorn, who seemed to be copping all the water that was dripping off the edge of the pavilion. The ranger sighed in annoyance, wondering why everyone was picking on him. First Haldir, and now the weather? It simply wasn't fair.

It continued to rain all through the main course, gradually getting heaver. After Haldir whisked all the dirty plates away and brought out the dessert, people had begun to wonder how they were going to get back to their cars without getting totally drenched in the process.

As with the main course, they were short one bowl of chocolate pudding and gourmet ice cream, so no one was surprised when Haldir decided that there was no sense in Aragorn getting dessert when he hadn't had a main course yet. So, the newly primped elf gave the ranger's dessert to Nellie.

Legolas, still perfectly dry, had nearly given up on his mission to find Eomer a fangirl, for the horse lord and King of Rohan, had no hope. Eomer grinned stupidly, watching another torrent of water cascade down off the edge of the marquee and onto Aragorn, who was already drenched. Eomer's face was smeared with chocolate pudding, and for some odd reason he had managed to get ice cream down the back of his shirt, and was squirming uncomfortably in between giggles.

Legolas could not help but snicker too, as Aragorn was looking rather dejected and miserable, not to mention wet, and Legolas, who had become a rather nasty person since the War of the Ring, loved to laugh at the ranger's misfortune.

However, the elf stopped laughing when he heard a gasp, and Arwen, who was sitting opposite him, squeaked and pointed to the roof of the marquee above Legolas's head. The elf looked up, as did everyone else, and their eyes widened at the sight they saw.

The marquee was supported by two large poles, taller than the rest, which kept the roof on a slope, so the rainwater would run off. The only problem with this was that the tent was not particularly well made, or rather, well set up, and the roof had slipped down off its pole, so now, cradled above Legolas's head, in the marquee canvas, was about 50 gallons of water, which looked like it would spill any minute.

Legolas quickly backed away, and hurried over to the other side of the marquee, and several people grabbed their chairs, and began to push at the water cradled in the canvas, with the legs of their chairs. Their aim was to try and push all the water out of the canvas and onto the ground.

While they were trying to do that, Pippin decided he needed to use the bathroom. So the hobbit quickly dashed back to the house, wondering why he could smell smoke. However, the hobbit decided to ignore the smell, and headed for the bathroom.

The last time Pippin had seen Haldir's bathroom, it had resembled a bat cave, a bat cave that had not been cleaned in several years. Now however, the tiles were gleaming white, and everything was clean. Once he had finished his business, Pippin noticed the small dish of pretty seashell shaped soaps that were sitting on the bench top.

Pippin of course, did not know they were soaps, and as white soap does have the annoying habit of looking like white chocolate, the hobbit came to the conclusion that Haldir, being an excellent host, had left chocolates in his bathroom for his guests to eat. Pippin eagerly stuffed his mouth full of soap, ignoring the funny taste. It actually didn't taste too bad, the hobbit decided, so he helped himself to a couple more pieces before he noticed that someone had been banging on the bathroom door for several minutes now. Pippin hadn't noticed until now, so distracted was he by the little soap flavoured chocolates, so he quickly hurried over to open the door to see what the mysterious door banger, wanted.

Pippin opened the door a crack, to find a very scared looking Samwise Gamgee standing there.

"Quick, let me in!" he stammered.

Pippin raised an eyebrow. "Why should I?" he asked Sam.

Sam looked around nervously. "She's after me!" he squeaked, looking more and more like a frightened rabbit by the second.

"Who's after you?" Pippin wanted to know.

By now Sam was shaking violently. "Aelimir..." he stuttered, as if he was afraid of saying the name.

"Give me one good reason I should let you in," Pippin said, hands on hips.

Sam was beginning to get desperate, and could swear he could hear Aelimir's voice coming from the living room. "Because, she'll strangle me if she finds me!"

"What did you do to deserve having your neck wrung?" Pippin wondered, asking the first logical question he had asked in months.

Sam shrugged. "Nothing, that I'm aware of," he replied, "She just seems to be on a mission to kill me,"

"So you are trying to hide from her," finished Pippin. Sam nodded in reply, and Pippin proceeded to ask why Sam needed to hide in the bathroom. "What's wrong with under Haldir's bed? People generally need to use the bathroom, and they can't when you are huddled in the bathtub, on the run from a murderous female."

"Just let me in," Sam said, as he pushed his way into the bathroom.

Once he was inside, and had locked the door, he flopped down on the floor, panting. Pippin and Sam listened as they heard footsteps, and Aelimir call out Sam's name. Pippin didn't think she sounded as evil as Sam described her to be, but Sam seemed utterly terrified of her.

All of a sudden, Sam changed the subject. "Do you smell smoke?" he asked Pippin. Pippin nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile, outside, under the marquee, Aragorn was wetter than ever. Several people had managed to use their chairs to push the water out of the marquee canvas, but it had spilled over the edge, onto Aragorn.

By now, the ranger was thinking fairly seriously about going home, but didn't get a chance to decide, as suddenly, the tent collapsed, onto everyone under it. Except Aragorn, who was standing in the rain, and the chicken, which was still frolicking in the wild...

To Be Continued.

AN/ well, that's it. A little longer than usual, but all the same, sorry it took so long.

Next chapter should be coming fairly soon, so there shouldn't be a hideously long wait.

Hugs and Hobbits to Nellie for being a wonderful beta reader, but Lamoo must poke her tongue out at Nellie, and go 'neh neh neh' as the Wallabies beat the All Blacks in the Tri Nations Rugby game on 7th of August 2004. Giggle

Huge thanks go to all reviewers, and as you are all so wonderful, you all get extra big cupcakes with pink sprinkles.

And replies...

Inweofnargothrond (Inw): Sorry I took so long, I am rather hopeless when it comes to updating regularly. Am very very pleased, as always that you liked this chapter, and the last one. I however, was rude, and didn't reply to you review for chapter 11, so you get a big hug and a kiss from a character of your choice. Grins And a cameo of course, I did promise, so a cameo you shall get. Oh yes, and for the record, butterscotch swirl ice cream is the bestest ice-cream flavour EVER!! And about Percy, don't worry, Pippin will find something else to love, worship, care for, hug and eventually kill.

Yoshi: always makes me grin like an idiot when people say that the stuff I write makes them laugh, regardless of whether or not it was actually supposed to be funny. Lol. Seeing as you liked your cameo so much, I have decided that you shall have another! Yay. Next chapter though, there is heaps more silliness to come. Pippin and the VCR thing, however, is something I actually did. We shall ignore the fact that I was four...

Would love to read your story when its up, and I would absolutely LOVE it if you would shove me in there somewhere. Grins

Thanks for reviewing, you rock my socks... observe... the rocking socks. Socks rock

Mr Bean/Leggie: I am so mean, this chapter has been on my computer to read for a couple of days, while I was waiting for it to be beta-ed, and I didn't tell you. Tee hee. You shall just have to wait like everyone else. Besides, always better when stupid Microsoft Word doesn't put little annoying red squiggly lined under every second word... and I knew you would like the way Aragorn thinks, well, in the last chapter anyway, he did get rather wet this time around. I am also honoured to have my very own stalker, hope you liked this chapter. Love you.

Legolas Stalker aka Laura: I'M ALIVE!!! Sorry, this chapter took even longer than the previous one, but never fear, the next one shouldn't take as long... if it does, please shoot me. About Eomer, why yes, he is hot... tee hee, I have an Eomer action figure. Huggles action figure anywho, I spose he kinda is a little like Legolas with a beard, cept I think he is hotter. Leggie is prettier, and sexier though... Eomer is just hot. Ahem, anyway, I seem to be rambling, but while we are on the subject of hot guys, Haldir has always been hot... it is just a little hard to tell under all the pink clothing he seems to wear in this fanfiction. Shrug Glorfindel says hi too, and Will Turner has returned from his little holiday with Nellie, so you can take him hostage again. Jack will be lonely though, so you will have to take him too. Sorry about that. Grin hope the remainder of your summer break is filled his love and Legolas. Thankye muchly for your reviews. Hugs

Nightstar13: YAY! Another update! Sorry it took so long. And I never said no one liked Eomer, I myself am bordering on becoming an Eomer fangirl, just that he doesn't have any proper, drooling, insane fangirls like Legolas, Frodo and Aragorn seem to have. Lol. But would you mind terribly if I put you in this story? Eomer wants a hug. Oh yes, and Queer Eye... RULES! Happy dance very proud of you my dear, for watching it. And thankYOU for the reviews.

Marissa03: HELLOOO! Haven't heard from you in a while, but I suppose that its kinda my fault, as I have been slack with updates. About Cameos, of course you can have one. Grins Only a little one in this chapter, but will be more later on, don't worry about that. Pleased you liked the last chappie, hope you found this one readable. Grins Pippin and Eomer both say hi, and are eagerly awaiting the next chapter of your brilliant fanficcy.

Oddwen: sorry I didn't reply to your review in the last chapter, I don't really have a good excuse, so I am sorry. Anywho, am glad you like reading about people's outfits, as I rather like writing those parts. Also, thanks for reading the 'Truckinator', even though you preferred the version where our lovely elf was revealed as an ugly dwarf. I'm sure that if you emailed Mr Bean, he could send you a copy of the sequel. Sigh anywho, Thankies for reviewing.

THECheeseTurkey: I UPDATED!! YAY! Took a while though... sorry about that. If it is a Cameo you desire, then a Cameo you shall have. Waves magic wand there you go, one Cameo coming up. Thankye for reviewing, cheese to you too. Oh yes, before I forget, my friend Carmen, Ryan (Mr Bean/Leggie) and Me started a band... we're called the cheese sticks. Tee hee. That's today's useless piece of information. Hope you liked this chappie.

Banx: Because I was so horribly rude and did not reply to your review in the last chapter, I will give you Haldir for the afternoon, to do whatever you like to him, to say sorry. Hope you liked this chapter though, and be prepared to fight for Haldir a little later on. Giggle hugs and Hobbits and Haldir to you. Thanks for your reviews.

Aelimir: while you weren't actually in this chapter, you were talked about, so be prepared to strangle Sam in the next chappie, mwa haa haa. Cough As I have said to everyone, so sorry this chappie, and the last one, took so long, if I am slack again, you have my permission to shoot me. Thanks for reviewing; your reviews always make me grin.

Robyn the Jedi pirate elf: Hello! Hope you and lovely Norbert are well, and that you both got a giggle out of this chapter. Grin eating sugar is never bad, and there is no such thing as too much sugar. And Beanies... I have the coolest beanie, it is blue and purple and white and is so COOL. We don't have any racoons either, no badgers either, so if I want to go and chase something it is usually something boring like birds. Thankye oh sugar loving one, for your lovely reviews. You rock.

Nellie (Nomad6)

ALL BLACKS LOST!! WALLABIES WON!! Neh neh neh! Cough okay, am done gloating now. I don't think you will have gotten your post card somehow, as I sent it to Bishopdale Christchurch... because I didn't get your new address till I got back. I have some spare post cards though, so if you like I could write you one, and we can pretend I sent it to you from Vietnam. Lol. Haven't talked to you in ages, so hope you're feeling better, and that the fence that you crashed into is all fixed... we can't have broken fences can we? If you're back at school, hope it's being nice to you, and that it isn't too cold. If it is, I will send you a nice warm elf in the next letter, and the lovely elf can hug you and keep you warm. On the other hand, I could just send you an elf for the sake of it, so you can braid the elf's pretty hair and huggle the elf. Vietnam was lovely, but way too hot for my liking, but bought lots and lots of pairs of shoes. Tee hee, also got the COOLEST Jacket made over there. Green Velvet. Drools ahem, enough of me rambling, thankyou heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps... and you get the idea, for beta-ing. One more thing... THE ALL BLACKS SUCK! Giggle

Well, that is all, keep those reviews coming peoples, I am trying to make 200 reviews sometime soon! YAY!

Next chapter shouldn't take too long.

Hugs and hobbits to everyone

Love Lamoo