AN/ well, I think that this update is well and truly long over due. The last chapter was written last AUGUST! And it's JUNE now! How shocking! Quite bad actually, that I am so slack when it comes to updating my stories. I cannot promise when the next update after this chapter will be, as I have come to the conclusion that ever time I say 'next chapter will be up in about a week' or something along those lines, it takes me months to actually write anything. So thus I am not going to promise that there will be new chapter any time soon. There might be, but there might not be, it really depends how much homework I have or whether I am feeling well disposed towards this story or not.
Ah yes, I have also changed the title of this story to "The fellowship and the elf next door. Insanity V2."… Just so you know. :)
Please excuse the extreme unfunnyness of this chapter; over the past few months I seem to have lost my sense of humour. It could be under my bed, or Haldir could have stolen it, I'm not sure. I will be sure to let people know when I get it back.
Disclaimer: being incredibly unfunny this chapter, it is Lamoo's duty to inform her dear readers that nothing in this story belongs to her. She only borrows Tolkien's characters on Sundays and every second Tuesday of the month, and has been told quite firmly to put them back in their boxes when she's finished. Whether or not she will do this is another matter, but let it be known, readers out there in fanfiction land, that the only things that Lamoo owns are the things that Tolkien didn't want. Lamoo has also realised that she needs to stop referring to herself in third person…
Thankies go to Nellie (Nomad6) who has beta-ed this chapter. Without her everyone would have to put up with Lamoo's disgusting spelling and grammar boo boos. Big hugs go to Nellie (and to Daisy and Robbie and assorted other horses) for being wonderful (and also for beta-ing this story)
Rightio, after the excessively long Author Note, here is chapter 14.
Chapter 14
Previously in 'The fellowship and the elf next door – the Adventures continue', everyone ate food, Aragorn got no food, Eomer spat out his food and ate it again, Pippin ate some soap that was most certainly not food, and the chicken, which so happens to be food, that people were supposed to eat was discovered frolicking in Haldir's back yard. It was revealed that Lamoo has an obsession with food…
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"Do you smell smoke?" asked Sam from inside Haldir's bathroom.
Pippin, who happened to be there as well, busy licking the little dish the soap had been on, turned to Sam and agreed.
"Go and see what's burning," Sam told Pippin firmly, the plump hobbit sitting down on the edge of the bathtub.
"No, why don't you!" Pippin protested, unwilling to be sent on some errand that would mean he was parted from the delicious white chocolate flowers shaped things by the sink… known by you and me as soap.
"Because Aelimir's out there!" retorted Sam, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world and Pippin was simply an idiot. "She'll kill me!"
Pippin quirked one eyebrow somewhat sceptically. He heaved an exasperated sigh. "Fine," he said. "I'll go and find out what's burning," he grabbed the last of the little white soaps and stuffed them into the pocket of his purple pants. And so with that Pippin cautiously opened the bathroom door and peered out into the hallway, just in case there were any evil fangirls lurking nearby.
Slowly he slipped into the corridor and tip toed along to the kitchen. The smell of smoke was very strong now, not to mention the black clouds of it billowing out of the kitchen door. The smoke detector in the hall was going insane but it appeared that no one but Sam and Pippin had noticed that something was on fire.
Coughing, Pippin stuck his head through the kitchen door and let out a small yell of surprise when he saw that Haldir's stove, curtains, food processor, dishwasher, cutlery drawer and eggbeater were all on fire. (How an eggbeater and drawer full of cutlery can manage to go up in flames is a mystery, but they were burning none the less. Let it be known that Lamoo is not terribly concerned by the fact that stainless steel does not burn.)
Sprinting out of the kitchen and back down the hall to Sam, Pippin burst into the bathroom, panicking. "THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!" he screeched.
Sam looked dumbstruck for a moment, before dragging Pippin out of the bathroom and in turn out of the house and into the backyard.
Had the house not been on fire Pippin and Sam might have laughed at the sight of everyone present (with the exception of themselves and Aragorn) stuck under the collapsed marquee. As it was, only Pippin collapsed in a fit of giggles, forgetting momentarily that Haldir's kitchen was on fire. Sam however, did not, for though he was not the brightest of hobbits, he counted himself smarter than Pippin, thus, as the only reasonably intelligent one who was free of the tent, considered it his civic duty to inform everyone that there was a fire and that they should evacuate the premises.
"THERE'S A FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE!" Sam wailed, running around waving his arms madly. "GET OUT THERE'S A FIRE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" it didn't seem to occur to Sam that Aragorn, who though rather wet and miserable, also had noticed the flames at the kitchen window, had already stolen Legolas's mobile phone and was in the process of ringing the fire brigade. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" bellowed the Hobbit.
"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!" Yelled Aragorn in an attempt to get the panicking hobbit to be quiet. "Unless you keep screaming and I am forced to kill you with Haldir's chicken!"
Sam shut his mouth immediately.
"Good." Remarked the wet, trench coat wearing ranger. He turned to everyone trapped under the tent. "Haldir, your party sucked!" Aragorn said in a huff, before he turned on his heel and left.
There was a disgruntled, muffled yell from under the tent, from Haldir of course, before someone, namely Glorfindel complained loudly that someone had just elbowed him in the face.
Thoroughly pissed off at everything at this point, Aragorn stormed home, not caring that it was raining, not caring that the rest of the fellowship was stuck under the collapsed tent, not caring that Haldir's house was on fire. Pippin and Sam exchanged confused glances as they watched Aragorn stalk off.
With a shrug, Sam resumed his yelling; proclaiming loudly once more that the house was on fire than they he was too young to die, while Pippin's eyes fell on the chicken that still sat in the middle of the lawn.
"…Gertrude," he murmured fondly, rushing over to the chicken and cradling it in his arms.
Meanwhile, Aragorn stormed home in a huff, fists clenched, grinding his teeth. He threw open the front door and stomped inside. He slammed it behind him, ignoring the sound of several tacky ornaments toppling forward off the mantelpiece and smashing on the floor.
"Stupid Haldir, stupid fab five, stupid Legolas, stupid food," muttered the ranger. "Stupid rain, stupid Eomer, stupid prawns, stupid hobbits," he flopped down on the couch, arms folded crossly. "Stupid Lamoo, stupid dinner party, stupid fangirls, stupid Glorfindel," he heaved an annoyed sigh. "Stupid pants." He added, glaring down at his own pants, which, obviously, were still stuck.
Rising from his seat, Aragorn strode resolutely into the kitchen, determined once and for all to get rid of the very tight leather pants that were stuck to his legs. Remembering what Legolas had said earlier about using butter to help Aragorn slide out of the vexing trousers. Opening the fridge, the wet, trench coat wearing mortal rummaged around for the butter. He couldn't find any so got the next best thing… peanut butter. He also grabbed the salad dressing and mayonnaise just in case. Surely they would have the same effect as butter would, and would allow Aragorn to finally slip out of the bothersome trousers and back into something more comfortable.
So Aragorn proceeded to pour the entire contents of the bottle of French dressing all over his pants, once he had discovered that the jar of peanut butter was empty (because of a certain hobbit's experiment concerning a VCR), he was beginning to wonder exactly how drenching them in dressing would actually help.
Ten minutes later, after coming to the conclusion that the leather pants despised him and the entire world was against him, Aragorn had resorted to rummaging around in the kitchen drawers for a pair of scissors. The mayonnaise and the salad dressing had not helped at all, neither had vegemite, sweet chilli sauce or window cleaner, so by now the ranger was getting rather frustrated. Aragorn had decided that the only way he was ever going to be free of the evil trousers would be to cut them to pieces, so that is exactly what he tried to do.
Soon he had one leg free, snippets of black leather littering the kitchen floor, and for the first time in hours Aragorn could feel the circulation returning to his leg. A couple more snips (and swear words when Aragorn nearly cut off his left kneecap) later the ranger was free. The accursed pants were on the kitchen floor, having been beaten by the trusty scissors. Aragorn cried aloud in joy and decided that he owed the scissors his life.
The ranger, dancing around with joy, tossed, with great satisfaction, the ruined leather pants into the bin, not caring in the least that he was dancing around in his underpants and a trench coat.
Everyone else did care though; for he received some odd looks when the rest of the fellowship returned home about an hour later and Aragorn was still pants-less.
Legolas raised one eyebrow sceptically, but chose not to say anything. He was tired and wet, and a tired and wet elf is not something that tends to enjoy conversation about evil trousers, so Legolas strode off to bed without a word. Merry and Pippin both watched the elf go, a little confused it seemed. Why hadn't Legolas blown up as soon as he'd entered the house? That was what everyone had expected him to do. Of course it was a rather nice change that he didn't, but even so, it was quite bizarre.
It wasn't long before the rest of the fellowship filtered off to bed, deciding to save their anger and annoyance at each other and at Haldir until the morning. Soon everyone else had gone to bed except for Pippin and Sam, who were gazing out the window, watching firemen put out the fire that was blazing in Haldir's house.
"That was a very odd dinner party," remarked Pippin, hugging Gertrude the chicken (formerly Haldir's chicken) close. "Certainly the weirdest one I've ever been to."
"You've never been to any other dinner parties!" Sam remarked dryly.
"Have you!"
"Well, no." admitted the tubby hobbit awkwardly. "But neither have you."
"Oh." Was the only reply Pippin could come up with. "When are we going on Holiday?" he wondered, changing the subject quite abruptly.
Sam shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?"
Pippin heaved an exasperated sigh. "Because I don't know, therefore I assumed you would." He said, taking his turn to state the obvious. Of course what was obvious to Pippin wasn't always obvious to anyone else. "Duh."
Sam resisted the urge to hit Pippin with the chicken the younger hobbit was clutching. "Well sor-ry." He snapped. "Ask mister Legolas."
"I think I will." Pippin replied. "In the morning."
TBC
AN/ hmm, oookay, that was so unfunny. Painfully so. Ah well.
Sorry this chapter took so long and was so short, hopefully I'll make up for it in the next chapter.
Apologies to reviewers, who were promised a cameo, but I am finding it quite hard to find places to put everyone. Don't fear though, if I promised you a cameo, you shall get it… but as much as I love you guys, I want this story to actually be about the fellowship, and their doings, so it might not be as soon as you think.
Here are responses to reviews (That are LONG overdue). They are only relatively short as I figured that you guys would prefer a new chapter sooner rather than later. Right. Here they are:
Inweofnargothrond: Hello again. Long time, no see (or update). Sorry I've kept you waiting, but I'm glad you're still reading. Very pleased you like the last chapter and the soap-chocolates. Yay for Pippin. Isn't he a darling? Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Mad-Anviel: I am flattered that you put my TF&TEND stories on your favourites list. . I'm glad that you're glad that the Legsie bashing as stopped. Bashing him up is amusing sometimes, but he really is too pretty and lovely to bash up all the time. :P. Hooray for Hyperactive Leggie. Ah yes, about your cameo. You are most welcome to do some Mr Bean bashing. Bwaha. I'll join in. …There's a bit of a long story behind that, but basically, me and him were going out, and now we aren't anymore, and I'm not exactly my favourite person anymore so I doubt he'll read this story and see what nasty things I'm going to do to him. I think Gimli would be very pleased that he has a fangirl. I do however solemnly swear that I will never ever write about the orange Speedos again. Ew…just ew. I'm glad I've kept you entertained. Thanks for your reviews.
"Me": Glad you like my story so far. Thankyou for the compliment. Hope you liked this chapter. Thanks for your review!
Aelimir: hullo again. You don't know how pleased I am to hear that you liked your cameo. I know it wasn't that much, but there will be more. Not necessarily at Haldir's party, but there's plenty more stuff to come. Hope this chapter met with your divine approval.
Banx: ah, my loyal Haldir fancier. School computers do have their good uses eh? Glad you liked the last chapter. I'm afraid that I have let you all down lately by not updating at all really, but I'M BACK!
Yoshi11Aragorn: Hello my darling reader. You have sent me so many reviews and I love them so much! Hugs your story is great so far, can't wait to read more. Concerning your cameo, you're most welcome. Thankyou for reviewing! You light up my day:)
Missa04: It seems that both of us are as bad as each other when it comes to updating stories regularly. :P School does have the habit of eating up your life doesn't it? Oh, and you're welcome.:) Hope you liked this chapter.
THECheeseTurkey: Funny? I am so glad you think so. :D Glad you liked the bat cave part… a little bit disturbing in my opinion, but I'm pleased you found it at least mildly amusing. Your Cameo will appear a little later, but never fear, it will be there. Hope you liked this chapter and that it wasn't painfully unfunny.
Nomad6: hello my lovely hobbit/elf/friend. Happy birthday for the other day. It has been AGES since I've updated, but I'm glad you're still reading and willing to correct all my spelling stuff ups. Hope a NZ winter isn't too cold and that the elves and the horsies are being nice to you. Give Robbie and Daisy a big hug for me. Miss you heaps.
Mr Bean: Okay… this will be a little strange. I don't even know if you'll ever read this story again. The last time I replied to a review of yours, the reply was pretty smushy and silly and well, just weird. I know the only reason you used to read this fanfiction was because I wrote it, but even so, thankyou for your kind words about it over the last year. If you ever do read this chapter, I hope you approve of it.
Chou-fleur: Of course you get to be the Eomer-hugging fangirl, IN THIS STORY. Glad that you're pleased about that. :D I agree with you about the whole queer eye thing for Eomer. He needs it, so maybe I'll get around to it one day. Thankyou for your review, you made me smile. :D
Paladin Dragoon: glad you liked the last chapter. It's always wonderful to know that occasionally some of the things I write actually do make people giggle a bit. And for the record books, Legolas and Aragorn are at odds on who's cuter. Personally I prefer the elf though. Sorry this chapter took so long.
Legolas Stalker/Laura: hello my dear Legolas lover. Sorry it has been so long since I last updated, but never fear, I am still alive. I love Pippin, he is such a sweet little goofball. I agree with you, Eomer is hot. I still prefer Legolas though, he is pretty :D. Hope you liked this chapter!
One more thing before I let you all get back to your lives. If you have requested a cameo in this fic, and I have said that you get to do something specific (or even if I haven't), please be a darling and remind me. It has been ages since I have even thought about this fanfiction and have forgotten nearly everything. Also, the fellowship are going on holidays soon, so if you want to have something to do with that, please let me know.
I don't know how many more chapters there will be until the end of this fic, but probably not zillions, so yeah, I'm just warning you. It will NOT be the end of TF&TEND though, most certainly not
Reviews would be lovely, as always.
3 Lamoo.
