Remembrance

Chapter Three

I can't believe I forgot to write about the most traumatic experience of my young life, I was around six. I guess thinking about Mike and Bethany threw me off track, they are my favorite cousins. This particular night I woke up with the hiccups so I went down to the kitchen for water. On the way back I walked by my parent's room and heard noises. The door was cracked open so I just walked right in. All I could really see was my father's back so I started to move in quietly a bit closer, but my Mom saw me.

"Jessica, stop there," she said as she tried to cover herself.

"Go to your room," Dad said.

"Why are you hurting her?" I asked with tears steaming down my face.

"Go," Dad said again, firm but not angrily.

"I'll be right there," Mom said softly.

I turned and ran to my room. All kinds of strange things with through my head, I didn't sense anything wrong or evil why did it seem so wrong?

Mom came in first wearing her nice soft robe and smelling of Vanilla. I always loved her smell it wasn't like the cooking spice it was a softer fragrance. She sat down and pulled me into her lap with a smile on her face. She looked at me and sighed.

"Jessica, you know your Dad wouldn't hurt me, right?"

I nodded into her shoulder while she held me close to her. She always called me Jessica, never Jess or really even Sweet Cakes that was Dad's thing I will explain that in a bit.

"No, Mom. But I saw him and I heard you crying."

She pulled the hair that had come out of my braid from my face.

"I wasn't crying, Sweetie, I promise your Dad wasn't hurting me," she explained.

Dad came in the door then and sat on the other side of the bed. He was smiling too.

"You really need to be a little older to understand but I can say that… sometimes adults do thinks in private that kids should never see, but it's good," she said as she looked at me to see if I understood she emphasized adults.

"If it is good, then why can't I see?" I asked innocently.

"Because it is personal just between the two adults, okay?"

I nodded but I had a feeling this was going to be an interesting discussion some day.

"I would never hurt your Mom," Dad added.

"And young lady you know better than to come in the room without knocking," Mom said in her firm voice.

"Yes Mom, I'm sorry. I thought you were hurt."

She smiled at me.

"Thank you for caring; but you do know better, right?"

I nodded as she hugged me again then I turned to Dad who was awfully quiet.

"I'm sorry I thought you would hurt Mom but I knew deep inside it couldn't be true."

He smiled as he pulled me to him for a hug.

"It's okay Sweet Cakes," he said.

What I learned: Open doors are not necessarily an invitation to enter.

The reason this was traumatic is because for one minute of my life I thought my Dad might not be the man I always believed he was.

The reason my father calls me Sweet Cakes, to this day, is because when I was younger and just past the days of eating baby food he used to make hot cakes for he and I. For some strange reason they tasted like cake to me so I began calling them "tweet cakes" he of course being a first time Dad thought it was cute and it stuck. We also used to eat Cheerios in the living room when Mom was still in bed; Dad would sit in front of the television and watch the News with a bowl, after feeding me my food. I would stand by the table to spear them with my fingers and he would eat them off. He loved that, so did I. It's a good thing he didn't' take it in his head to call me Cheerios. I can deal with Sweet Cakes, Cheerios, not so much.

About my Dad I guess we have always been so close because when he was home we spent so much time together. I think my Mom stepped aside because she wasn't going anywhere but Dad always left. I really don't remember specifics from my younger days besides what I have written but I know he loved to seat and watch me. I guess being a new father he was fascinated with me. I hope James feels that way about our little girl. I already know I will name her after my mother, Cassandra. My mother has always been there for me even when I was sassy or sad. I have never felt that she didn't care or want what is best for me. The two of them weren't perfect but I always knew I was loved, considering the stories I have heard of my father's upbringing he has done quite well in my eyes. Of course, maybe I am biased since they are my parents.

When I was almost a teenager my mother came to my room while my Dad was out of town, to tell me to start getting my stuff together because we were moving. Well, no one had mentioned moving all that time so why now when Dad was gone?

"Is Dad meeting us where we are going?"

She shook her head and I could tell she was upset. Having a sixth sense tended to help me figure out the grown ups a lot easier than I would have been able to at twelve.

"No, Jessica."

That was it nothing else was said she just left my room to go back to her room. I followed her ready to be defiant.

"Mom what 's going on? Are you two getting divorced?"

She didn't answer me, well I wasn't just going to pack my things without talking to Dad first. I waited until she shut her door then ran downstairs to call Dad on the kitchen phone. He said not to worry that he would talk to her. Before I got back upstairs I could hear the phone ringing in her room. I stood by the door for a moment but didn't feel right listening there so I went in my room to sit on my bed.

It seemed like forever past before Mom came to tell me to stop packing, I never started. I asked her why she wanted to move without Dad.

"I don't know if you can understand I just feel like I am alone too much."

"But you have us, Mom and Aunt Missy plus her kids," I said wanting badly to make her feel better.

"I know but I miss your Dad a lot," she said as she turned around to walk out the door.

I felt sorry for her she had always seemed so happy around us. I never suspected that she was lonely. The fact is there was more that she didn't tell me; but I heard them talking when Dad came back a few days later.

I hadn't planned on listening, really, but they were a bit loud at first.

"Why didn't you call me," Dad said.

"I never know what situation you are in; I thought I was protecting you."

Then it was quiet.

"I'm sorry," Dad said, quietly by this time I had my ear to the door.

"We have three children, it's not like it was our first," Mom said.

"They doesn't make it easier on you, I know it doesn't. You know it has always been up to you; if you want me home I will stay home," Dad said.

"I want it to be over I don't want to be the reason that this thing is still out there. I am sorry I panicked," she said.

"When Jessica said you were leaving me I thought my heart would stop," Dad opened the door I guess they had a sixth sense too.

He pulled me in the room with them.

"You may as well listen from this side of the door," Dad said with a smile.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's okay this time," Mom said as she hugged me.

"Thank you," she whispered in my ear.

"I'm sorry about the baby," I said as my tears came.

Dad hugged us both.

Mom had lost another baby. Over the years I knew there had been a few times she said we were going to have a brother or sister but it never happened. I thought they had given up.

What I learned: Parents are just people trying to do the right things.

I don't know how Mom dealt with so many miscarriages that's the reason I am on bed rest so I can relax and have a healthy baby. Now that Mom is pregnant again I pray that this one makes it. So far she is doing well and things are fine though she plans on this being the last one, at almost forty five they think it is best. I love the way my Dad baby's her even though they still have to teens in the household. Mags is a different sort she was always more independent I guess by the time you have a couple kids you are less strict with the others. Well we will get to Maggie. Now Gabe he had always played the charmer with all the girls so he had the most restrictions when we were growing up but now that he his eighteen they have had to loosen them quite a bit so that he doesn't move out any time soon. I don't envy my parents at this point but I hope I have learned from them.

TBC

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