Ch. 22 - Not Again

An hour or so later, Remus apparated back home. He crept up the stairs with caution, both wanting to see Emmeline and not wanting to see her. He found her in bed with a new book, looking a bit too calm and collected.

A timid "...Hello," was all he dared to say.

"I'm not going back to lessons," she replied in a stale voice, not looking up from her page.

Remus sighed and sat at the foot of the bed, making sure to give her space. "I really think that would be a mistake."

She slammed the book shut with an audible thud and looked at him acidly.

Uh-oh.

"I can't stand one more week of failing at that stupid spell. I'm staying home."

"It's a difficult charm, Emmeline."

"Clearly it's more difficult for me than it is for the rest of the Order." She tossed her book onto the nightstand and got out of bed to sulk by the window.

"Not everyone has gotten the hang of it yet."

"The only people who haven't 'gotten the hang of it yet' are Peter, Mundungus, and me. Mundungus is...well, Mundungus. Peter is a gifted animagus, but he was never anything special in the Charms department."

"You don't have to be cruel."

"That's not how it is for me," she continued, ignoring his comment. "You know I've always been good at spells. I wasn't far behind you or Lily in Charms. I've never had this much trouble with magic in my life, and it's exasperating."

"Maybe you just need more time and you're selling yourself short."

"Or maybe I'm the only witch in the Order who can't produce a patronus. Alastor said some people would never produce one at all. I think it's going to be easier on my sanity if I just come to terms with the fact that a patronus is not in my cards, and stop making a bloody fool out of myself. Maybe I'm just wasting everybody's time, and the Order is better off without me after all." She turned away from the window and strode past him, grumbling: "I need a cup of tea," as she went.

Now Remus was getting angry. It made sense now, why Emmeline had been so hesitant to rejoin the Order: she was afraid of letting her colleagues down. It frustrated Remus that she was giving up on herself so easily because of her pride. He stood up and followed her down the stairs.

"You know, perhaps if you were less concerned with having your ego bruised, you could put more of your effort into figuring out a good memory rather than throwing a tantrum."

Emmeline spun around, fuming. "It's maddening having everyone ogle at my flaws when they know that my inadequacy could jeopardize their lives. It makes me feel utterly useless!"

"Merlin's beard Emmeline, then practice at home when you're away from all of them! Let me help you instead of getting defensive! Alastor is right, pouting is not getting you any closer to mastering this spell!"

"You have no idea what it's like, not being able to do this. You figured the spell out ten minutes into the first class! Don't treat me like I'm being ridiculous, because you can't possibly fathom how this feels!"

Remus clenched his fists.

"...You think I 'can't possibly fathom' what it's like not to be able to do something?" he growled, each word more deliberate than the last.

Realizing the massive error of her statement, Emmeline immediately backed down. Stupid, stupid non-existent filter.

"...Remus, I didn't mean-"

"So you think it's just been a walk in the park for me, do you? You think it was a breeze when I wasn't allowed to leave the house as a child because my parents were afraid someone would find out about my condition?"

"That's not what I-"

"You think the knowledge that I'll never be able to hold down a regular job is easy for me!?" His low growl crescendoed into a howl.

"Remus-"

"Or the fact that I may be incapable of giving you children someday, you think that's not difficult?!"

"I'm- I'm sorry, I was so angry I didn't think before I spoke-"

"You have no idea how this feels, so don't preach to me about inadequacy!"

"Remus, please-"

"And unfortunately Emmeline, unlike you, I can't just make my condition disappear by giving up and running away!"

He regretted it as soon as he said it. He regretted it as soon as he saw the hurt in her eyes when his words plunged into her gut like a saber.

Emmeline wiped tears as she pushed past him to get back up the stairs. Remus could not bring himself to move at first. He couldn't believe he'd just unleashed all of his own baggage on her like that. "Emmeline...Emmeline wait," he called, snapping out of his momentary stupor and running after her. He caught her arm at the top of the stairs, but she jerked it away. "I'm so sorry, I don't- I don't know why I said that."

"I think we both know why you said it," she cried, hauling a suitcase out of the bedroom closet.

"W-...What are you doing?"

She began to remove her clothes from the wardrobe. "It was a mistake to move in here so quickly."

"...Hang on, let's think about this for a moment," he pleaded, approaching her. She stepped back away from him.

"We were foolish to think that after all this time apart, we could mend our love in a month." Her hazel eyes glinted green through her tears. "I think I should sleep somewhere else. We just need more time to heal."

"I don't need any time, Emmeline. I want you to stay-"

"You said you forgave me."

"I have! I-"

"It's evident that you haven't, whether you realize it or not, and I don't think I've really forgiven myself yet either, so I just think it will be for the best-"

"Emmeline." He reached towards her, but she dodged his arm again and walked briskly to the bathroom to collect her things. "Where are you going to go?" he asked, more desperate this time.

"I don't know, I'll get a room somewhere. The Leaky Cauldron, maybe." She snatched up her toothbrush and comb.

Remus started to tremble.

"...Please don't. Please don't do this," he begged as she continued to put things in the suitcase. Though he had not watched her pack when she left before, he had imagined what it might've looked like so often that it became real to him. He had a vivid, placebo memory of Emmeline gathering her belongings and walking out the front door of their old flat. It was so realistic that the sight of her packing now was giving him shell-shock.

"You said you wouldn't leave again…"

Emmeline stopped what she was doing and looked up at him. Even through her own glassy eyes, it was not hard to see that Remus was on the verge of tears. The damage his words had done minutes ago did not hurt nearly as much as the way he was looking at her in this moment.

"...I'm not going away, not like that," she clarified, still crying. "I just think we should live separately until we can fix whatever needs to be fixed between us."

"We've lived separately for a year, and there will always be things to fix...we can fix them here, under this roof." He attempted to approach her again. This time, she did not move away, and Remus could see that she was considering what he was saying to her. "Please, I don't think I could watch you walk out the door. Not again."

Their dispute was interrupted by the appearance of the White Phoenix.