Alexis watched Carth leave, gently caressing the hilt of her lightsaber. Alone once again. It was her lot in life, to be alone, she realized. She wasn't meant to be the companion of others. It was good she had not told Carth what she had so desperately wanted to when he was leaving. I love you.
Such a small phrase, yet with so much meaning. And so much implied responsibility. It was another of those luxuries she could not afford.
She did love him though. He was the only man she had ever truly loved, but it wasn't meant to be. Though she wasn't truly a Jedi, as she had relinquished that title many years before by virtue of her own actions, she still tried her best to follow the Jedi Code. This meant that love, marriage, and children were basically forbidden to her. They led to the dark side, or so her masters had always told her. No matter what its implications, Alexis did love Carth, and she would do anything for him. Perhaps that was why it was a characteristic of the dark side.
Alexis suddenly lifted the hem of her shirt and looked down at her abdomen to see what Carth had seen. It was true. She was deathly thin and covered with sickly blue and yellow bruises. The cut along her side was disgusting and bloody, but it was not lethal. All of her ribs stuck out starkly, protruding grotesquely from her soft white chest. Her stomach was tiny and clearly empty, and for the first time in a very long while, she felt a weak pang of hunger.
Perhaps Carth was right. If she didn't stop for just a little while, she was going to kill herself, and she was not of use to anyone dead.
Alexis settled onto a nearby chair and crossed her legs beneath her. She found she didn't wish to meditate, but instead wished to take a look at her new surroundings. Carth was, without a doubt, the tidiest man she had ever seen. His home was immaculate.
The walls were a pristine white and the counters and the table sparkled as if they were new. The chairs and other furnishings were neatly placed about the apartment in an aesthetically pleasing sort of way. Alexis saw no droids, however, and found it hard to believe that Carth himself kept his home this clean. Perhaps he was never home to mess it up in the first place.
Alexis lay back in the chair and closed her eyes briefly. No matter what she had told Carth, she was looking forward to a bit of rest. She trusted him to protect her life, but she did not trust herself to protect his if she were not fully alert should they come under attack. Sadly, it appeared that she had little choice in the matter. Carth was going to make her rest and eat. She was grateful for the opportunity, though.
Alexis's thigh muscle cramped painfully and she opened her eyes and rubbed at it idly. She was dehydrated, and it was probably best that she found a glass of water. Maybe a bit of fluid would ease some of her pain. She stood slowly and the room swam sickeningly as she did so. It appeared that she was worse off than she'd thought.
After a few seconds of bracing herself, Alexis made her way into the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water from the tap. A sound, however, caused her to turn back towards the room from which she had just come.
There! She heard it again, faintly, and she reached for her lightsaber. It looked like perhaps the assassins had… Alexis began to laugh and dropped her hand away from her weapon.
A gizka had stumbled into the room behind her. The small, foolish-looking creature made a strange noise at her and rushed over to rub its ugly head against her leg. Alexis grinned and reached down to pat it.
There had been gizka on the planet that the Star Maps she had followed during the Jedi Civil War led to. She and Carth had fought together there. The silly creature nuzzled at her hand when she held it out to him, and Alexis cooed softly at it. The thing was so hideously ugly that it was actually cute.
Alexis stepped away from it after a few moments and retrieved a glass of water. She downed it quickly and though she wanted another, she held off, afraid to rehydrate too rapidly. Her weak body could not handle much more abuse, Force or no.
Alexis wandered away from the kitchen, the gizka hot on her heels. All movement was basically painful, and Alexis was exhausted. She dropped back onto the chair and folded her legs beneath her once again. She was cold, despite the warm air outside, and she wrapped her arms around her chest, trying to keep off the chill. The gizka lost interest in her and wandered away.
She sat is much this way for quite some time, until her tired body became stiff and cool, and she was forced to move a bit. Every motion sent waves of tingling through her sleeping limbs and she stretched them a bit, trying to make the feeling fade.
The door opened rather suddenly and Alexis spun and grasped her lightsaber, her movements remarkably fast for one so sore. It was only Carth, however, and she relaxed. "Welcome back." She told him, eyeing the parcels in his hand with some excitement. Clean clothes and a warm bath were sounding better and better, despite the risks.
Carth felt a bit awkward standing there, holding packages of women's clothing for the first time in many years. The purchase, too, had been awkward, as the clerk had recognized him immediately and asked if the clothes were for a special lady friend.
When the woman had noticed the size of the clothing he had chosen, however, she'd apologized and said it must be for a daughter or a niece. Carth had made a mistake at that point by laughing and telling the merchant that no, they were for a full-grown woman.
She'd continued to eye him speculatively for the remainder of the transaction. He had not doubt that the rumor would spread over the whole of the Citadel Station by the following day.
Carth looked at Revan and smiled. "Well, the clerk asked me about my daughter or my niece. It seems that these clothes are suitable only for very young women. She told me that these were the sizes teenage girls wore and checked to make sure that this was the size I had intended." He said with a chuckle.
Revan walked over to him and placed a hand on one of the packages. "Thank you Carth. You have no idea how much this means to me." She attempted to smile at him, but she appeared to be in some pain, and the smile came off a bit like a grimace.
"Go ahead and go get cleaned up. I'll fix you something to eat. The bathroom is down the hall and to your right. You should find it easily enough." Carth said, handing her the packages.
Revan nodded slightly. "Got it." She turned to go but turned back a few feet away from him. "Be careful, Carth. Call me if anything feels… wrong."
Alexis stood inside the bathroom, leaning against the door with her eyes shut. It was going to be okay. Carth could protect her for just a little while. Certainly long enough for her to take a bath.
She pulled away from the door's support and settled her parcels on the nearby counter. She opened one of them and peered inside. A few blouses and some socks were nestled neatly inside. The next package contained a couple of pairs of tights and some undergarments. The final bag held a soft pair of black knee-high boots and a thin black belt.
Alexis touched the material of the boots gently, rubbing it between her thumb and forefinger. It was soft and supple, much like the boots she had owned before the Mandalorian Wars. She removed a blouse from one of the other bags and held it up to her chest. It would fit well, although it might be a bit loose. That was basically what Alexis was used to, however, as she had worn loose, flowing Jedi robes most of her life.
The blouse was emerald green, much like her eyes, and Alexis wondered if Carth had chosen it for that reason, or if it had been an accident. She frowned in thought for a moment, but she quickly disregarded the idea. Whatever the case, it was hers now.
Alexis undressed as rapidly as her tired body would allow and turned on the hot spray of the shower. She stepped inside and began the process of washing away dirt and blood without injuring herself further.
In the kitchen, Carth was preparing a warm meal for the both of them. He had always been quite adept at cooking, and he found himself enjoying the experience, as he had not done it in quite some time.
He was staying as alert as was possible. The way Revan had acted about the presence of assassins had him a bit on edge. He did not want to see her hurt, and for the moment, it was his responsibility to see that she wasn't.
She hadn't been in the bathroom for any longer than fifteen minutes when she emerged once again, clean and dressed. She was surprisingly healthier looking from the bath alone.
She was dressed in the emerald green blouse and brown tights he had purchased her. She had a thin belt tied around her waist and soft black boots laced up her legs. Her long, straight black hair hung down her back in still-damp tendrils, curling slightly at the ends. Her face had that glowing, freshly scrubbed look, and though she was still dangerously thin and pale, she looked like she felt much better than before.
"I've almost finished making dinner." Carth said as she walked to his side to watch what he was doing.
"Thank you." Revan said softly, brushing her hair back from her face.
She was standing only a few inches from him, and he was once again beginning to appreciate how truly small she was. She looked like a lost child standing there beside him, playing with the hem of her shirt and twisting one of her feet back and forth across the floor.
"How is your side?" He said.
"Better. I bandaged it with a healing pack I found in your cupboard after I showered. I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to immediately start bleeding on my new clothes." She answered.
Carth nodded and turned back to his cooking. He was acutely aware of her standing so near to him and every time she shifted, he could feel her moving. It was a bit disconcerting, and he was having trouble concentrating.
Revan was an utterly overwhelming presence, even subdued as she was. Her character flowed from her body like the tide, wafting over those nearby and dragging them back to her when the time was right.
Carth had always been amazed that so many people would bow to the will of such a tiny girl. She had been smaller than every other member of her army and less than half the size of Malak, who had been a large man. She'd been so young, too. It simply amazed him the things that people had done for her. They'd given up their lives for her and for her cause, despite the fact that it may have conflicted with the things that they had believed before they met her.
Revan was just like that. She had total control over those around her, whether she waned it or not. The entire galaxy had fallen willingly at her feet, and she had not even realized that it was she, not her beliefs, that had swayed half of the population to follow her to war.
Carth had wondered at first if he had truly loved her, or if he was merely under her spell. It had taken him some time to realize that he was not bewitched by her character. He could see her faults, her flaws, her weaknesses, and despite them, he still cared for her, and he still believed in her. He was willing to overlook all of the things she had done in her past, as long as she never turned to the dark side again.
"Carth?" Revan said suddenly, snapping him from his thoughts. She was looking at him strangely, a wary glint in her eye.
"Yeah?" He answered, returning her gaze.
"What happened to Bastila?" She asked, wrapping a strand of her hair around her finger.
Bastila had been the young Jedi who had helped to capture Revan and take her to the Council to have her memory erased. Bastila had essentially saved her life and afterwards, the pair had been bonded through the Force.
They had been best friends through the Jedi Civil War, one almost never without the other. They had not trusted one another at first, but it had turned into one of the strongest bonds between two people that Carth had ever seen.
"Did you hear about the Jedi Council?" Carth asked her carefully, watching her expression.
"Of course. Most were killed on Katarr when Darth Nihilus destroyed it using the Force. Traya killed the others about a week ago on Dantooine. There are none left." Revan answered evenly. She looked a bit upset, but the emotion was quickly wiped from her face.
"Well, when Katarr was destroyed, Bastila died with it. She was there, trying to aid the council." Carth told her.
Revan looked startled. "I thought I felt her die… but I had hoped it was only fatigue… It was a disturbance in the Force… Not like the one I felt when I knew the Masters had died in the attack, but a more personal one. I had hoped… But Bastila was always the hero, wasn't she? She had to save the day." Revan smiled grimly at him, memories of Bastila clearly running through her mind.
"It must have been terrible for you. The bond between the pair of you was so strong." Carth said, reaching out and grabbing her hand.
Revan nodded. "I think that may have contributed to my current condition. I was already weak and when I felt that pain so strongly through the Force- I guess that was when I stopped eating." Revan pressed her free hand to her stomach and rubbed at it thoughtfully.
"I'm sorry, Revan." Carth said. "Look," he added, pointing at the food, "Dinner is ready. I say we get you a bite to eat and then you get some rest." He released her hand and turned to get dishes for the meal.
Revan pressed her other hand over her stomach. "I'm a bit nauseous, to be honest. I hope I can keep it down."
"You don't have to eat much. It's best to start small anyway and work your way back up to regular portions." Carth said as he divided the meal onto two plates.
"I'll try." She replied, eyeing the food doubtfully.
Alexis felt her stomach contort sickeningly at the first smell of food. She was fighting the urge to be sick and so far, she was succeeding. Rest sounded far better at this point, but she needed the meal, and Carth had gone to the trouble of preparing it.
She followed him to the small table on the far side of his kitchen and sat down opposite of him. He settled a plate before her and she lifted an eating utensil and stared at the meal for several seconds, gathering her courage.
"Eat, Revan." Carth commanded gently.
Alexis lifted a bite of food to her mouth and forced herself to swallow it. It was difficult to get down.
She managed several bites of food before she was so sick that she could not eat another bite for a few moments, and she watched Carth eat while she waited. He became aware of her gaze and looked back, smiling slightly.
"I guess I'll eat for the both of us." He said, taking another bite.
Revan shrugged. "I'm sorry. I'll eat what I can, but I don't expect it to be much more. Those last few bites were hard enough as it is." Alexis said.
While Carth was finishing his meal, Alexis stared at her fingernails, deep in thought. It was strange to her to be back in the normal world. Still, she could never return to the mundane. Ever since she was 18-years-old, her world had been complicated and dangerous. She'd always had trouble maintaining balance in her life, and now was no different.
"Revan?" She heard Carth say faintly through the fog in her head, but she didn't look up. "Revan?" He said again a few seconds later.
Startled, Alexis looked up at him. "Yes?" She asked, jerking her hand back down into her lap.
"Are you finished eating?" He asked, glancing at the plate she had hardly touched.
"I guess so." She answered. The food looked terribly unappealing, and she was feeling a bit sick from what she had eaten before.
Carth nodded and stood up. He gathered their dishes and wandered away, probably to clean up the kitchen.
Alexis rubbed her eyes and stood to follow him. He wasn't far away, and she stopped only inches from his side, comforted by his nearness. Carth did not look at her, but continued to clean up his dishes.
"Carth, why don't you have a droid for this sort of thing?" Alexis asked suddenly, watching him methodically putting away the eating utensils.
"I like doing it for myself. It's a therapy of sorts, I suppose. Sort of like cooking is." He replied.
Alexis smiled slightly. He was just like she remembered: such an odd combination of anger and happiness, toughness and tenderness. He was unlike any other man she had ever known, even among the Jedi. He was perhaps a better man than any she had ever known, as well. He was so loyal and just so… good. Alexis wished she herself had always been so true.
"Hmmm. Putting some poor droid out of work. You should be ashamed." She told him with a soft laugh.
Carth turned to look at her then, and she cocked her head to one side. "What?" She asked quizzically.
"You seem like you're feeling better. You are acting more like your old self." Carth told her.
"Must be the company. Although I'm not sure acting like my old self is such a good thing." Alexis answered.
"Revan," he said, his tone warning.
"Why don't you call me Alexis?" She asked him quietly. This was a question that had been racing through her mind for the entire evening she had spent with him. It was truly bothering her.
"That isn't your name, is it? It's a name the Jedi Council forced upon you after they erased your memory. Why? Would you prefer that that was the name I used?" The question seemed important to him somehow and Alexis was unsure why.
"You're right, Revan is my name. When the council erased my memory though, they took that away from me, just like they took away my past. Just as my memories of the terrible things I had done came back, the memory of the name came back. However, I didn't revert to my old ways once again, so nothing says I have to revert to my old name. It doesn't seem to suit me anymore, at least to my way of thinking. But, if you're more comfortable calling me Revan, I won't stop you." Alexis said.
Carth watched her for some time, grasping a clean plate in his hand. He simply stood there, holding the thing near his chest and staring at her, as if her were trying to see through her.
"Are you aware that you're… glowing?" Carth asked her, motioning towards her body with the plate in his hand. This seemed to remind him that he was even holding something, and he put the dish away.
"Glowing?" Alexis asked. She didn't see that she was glowing. Maybe Carth had had a few shots of juma juice before he came home…
"It's a sort of blue glow. I think it might be-," he stopped there and Alexis was quite sure she knew where he was going.
"It's okay Carth, you can say it. It's the Force. Jedi or no, I'm still in touch with the Force. Obviously it has decided to manifest itself visibly. I feel more in touch with it than I have since the beginning of the Mandalorian Wars. I suppose that says something, doesn't it?" Blue was the traditional color of the light side of the Force. It made Alexis feel warm all over just to think of her Force connection and it's bias towards the light. She felt comfortable and truly happy for the first time in a very long time.
"You are a Jedi, Revan. No matter what has happened. You can't change who you are." Carth said, turning to Alexis and taking her hand.
Alexis shook her head. "No. I'm not a Jedi any longer. But thank you for saying so. The Jedi are- extinct. The exile and I are all that is left of what used to the Jedi. Now, with the Council gone, I fear there will never be Jedi again." Alexis said, looking at her hand joined with Carth's.
"It doesn't have to be that way." Carth replied quietly.
"I'm not ready to talk about this, Carth," Alexis told him. "I need time." Alexis tugged her hand gently away from his and turned away. She walked back to the table and sat down.
Carth looked at Revan now seated at the table. She had her eyes closed, but he knew she was fully alert. Revan was clearly struggling with her future now that she had had some time to deal with the failures of her past. Carth sensed that she did not want her future to be the same.
Carth rapidly finished cleaning the kitchen and walked over to the table and sat opposite Revan once again. She had not moved since she had seated herself nearly ten minutes before.
"Revan?" Carth said, wondering just what was going on in that complex mind of hers. She was not meditating, that much was clear. She was merely thinking, and he was curious about what.
Revan's eyes popped open and she turned her head to look at him. "Yes?" She said, reaching up to run a hand through her still-damp hair.
"Would you like to go and get some sleep?" He asked, hoping she would say yes and not be obstinate about it.
"Are you sure that is what you want?" Revan asked him. She appeared willing to defer to his judgment now for some reason.
"Yes. You need the sleep. I can stay awake while you sleep this evening." Carth told her. He'd be tired at work in the morning, though. Maybe he could call in sick.
"No, you can sleep too. I think that we'll be able to wake up if anything out of the ordinary happens." Revan said, and then added, "Besides, you need the rest. You have to work tomorrow, don't you?"
"Not necessarily. I do think you are right about the sleep though. I know I could use it, and I assume we will wake up if need be." Carth said. She was probably right. It wasn't like they were heavy sleepers. He was unsure she would even be able to sleep since she had not done it in so long.
"Where would you like me to sleep? I can easily make a pallet on the floor, if you'll loan me a pillow and a blanket." Revan said.
Carth had not even considered this. There was only one bed in his apartment. "No, you take the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Carth said.
"It's your house, Carth. I'm not going to take the only bed." Revan replied, smiling faintly at him.
"Please Revan, do as I ask. I'd feel a lot better if you took the bed." Carth said.
"Look, how about we share it? I trust you." Revan said earnestly, looking into his eyes.
"I- alright. That doesn't bother me." Carth replied, nodding. He wondered silently if this were the best idea, but he trusted Revan much more than he trusted himself. It could turn out to be a long night for him. It probably would not bother her in the least.
Revan stood and started to walk out of the kitchen. "Wait. Where is your bedroom?" She asked. She appeared to find the question a bit funny, and she chuckled a little.
"Just past the bathroom." He replied, motioning in its general direction. "I'll be right behind you."
Revan turned to walk off again, but she stopped in the doorway. "It has just occurred to me that I have nothing to sleep in, either." Revan said. Now she sounded a little uncomfortable.
"I'll loan you a shirt. It will look like a dress on you anyway." Carth said, smiling. He hoped she took the teasing well. She still seemed on edge and unlike herself.
"Are you making fun of me, Carth Onasi?" She asked him, glancing down at her body. "Would you rather I were tall enough to look you in the eye?"
Carth chuckled. "No, I think that might make things seem a bit strange. You can already kick my ass, why would I want it to look like you could do it, too?"
Revan laughed softly and left the room, smiling. Carth was glad she was still able to laugh. Her life would go a lot smoother for it.
Alexis settled herself on the edge of Carth's bed, feeling a little awkward. She'd never slept in the same bed as another person in her entire life, much less a man. She didn't like the strange tingling she felt at the thought.
Poor Carth. She was a grand lot of trouble to have around, and she knew it. Hopefully he would forgive her for being such a pain. She hadn't wanted to inconvenience him.
Carth wandered into the room right behind her. He immediately walked over to a cabinet built into the wall and removed a large shirt from the topmost drawer. He turned back and tossed it to Alexis. "There is a spare toothbrush in the bathroom if you'd like one."
Alexis nodded and stood up. She took the shirt and headed off to the bathroom without another word.
Alexis brushed her teeth and stripped out of her clothes and folded them neatly. She held Carth's shirt up to her chest and stared at it for a few seconds before putting it on. It smelled much like Carth did, and she was strangely comforted.
Alexis took a deep breath and left the bathroom, tugging at the edge of the shirt as she walked. Even though it was far too large for her, it was significantly less than she normally wore.
Carth, too, had changed when she returned. He had on a similar shirt and a pair of soft pants. Alexis smiled at him in spite of herself. "Don't you just look adorable?" She said, laughing.
Carth smiled back. "Well, at least I have something on. Normally I sleep in the nude."
Alexis laughed. She couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. "Well, thank you for that. I'm not so sure I'd have appreciated you running around naked."
"You might have." Carth said, grinning slyly.
"Don't get your hopes up," Alexis replied, tongue in cheek. She might have, indeed, but she really wouldn't know.
Alexis calmly walked over to the right side of the bed and folded down the covers and slid herself inside. Carth looked at her strangely, and Alexis felt as if she might have done something wrong.
"How did you know I slept on the left side?" Carth asked her quizzically.
"I didn't. I guess I just have always slept on the right when I actually did go to bed." Alexis replied, folding her hands behind her head and resting them upon the pillow.
"Oh." Carth said. "It's a good thing we don't like the same side of the bed, then. One of us might have ended up getting pushed onto the floor." Carth smiled as he crawled into his side of the bed.
Alexis watched him get comfortable. Finally, he looked back at her. "Shall I turn off the light?" He asked.
"Go ahead." She answered, shifting slightly. The bed was very large and she and Carth were nowhere near one another.
Carth switched the light off and Alexis waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She did not like not being able to see the room around her, and she was tense for the duration of her night blindness.
"Are you okay?" Carth finally asked, and Alexis felt a bit ashamed. She must have been so tense that he could feel it even in the dark.
"I'm fine. Just a bit nervous about sleeping, I guess." Alexis replied. She physically forced her body to relax.
"I've never honestly been nervous about sleep." Carth told her softly. He rolled over, shaking the bed, and Alexis stiffened again.
"It's sort of pathetic, isn't it? I sleep so very little that I have to force myself to even do it. And to top it off, it frightens me to do it in the first place." Alexis told him honestly.
"I'm sorry, Revan." Carth replied.
"I'll be fine. I just need to calm down and turn off my mind, at least partially. I'll be able to sleep after that, I should think." Alexis said.
Carth's breathing was somewhat soothing in the dark. Alexis shut her eyes and listened to its rhythm. "Goodnight, Revan." He breathed.
"Goodnight, Carth." Alexis answered just as quietly. She waited for about ten minutes, but his breathing never relaxed the even sounds of sleep. He must be waiting for her to sleep.
Alexis slowly began to systematically shut down her mind, turning off each section in turn. Slowly, she was able to become utterly still and calm, and she soon drifted off into a deep and dreamless sleep.
Carth awoke in the middle of the night, feeling strange. Something was different, out of place. He felt warm and happy, not cold and lonely as he normally did when he awoke in the night.
There was an odd sensation creeping along his body, and he was still too asleep to know just what it was. He lay still, thinking, until his mind was alert enough to detect the peculiarity.
Revan was in his bed. This was unusual in itself. However, what was more unusual was that Revan was not on her side of the bed. She lay facing him, the full length of her tiny body pressed against his. Her cheek was pressed to his chest and one of her arms lay over him. Her other arm was beneath her head, as she had slid from the top of the pillow, and she was breathing deeply and evenly.
Carth stroked her hair with a free hand and thought about his current situation. One of the most powerful people in the entire universe was cradled against his chest, allowing herself to be completely and utterly at his mercy. Revan, powerful Jedi, former Sith Lord, and savior of the Republic trusted him so completely that she slept beside him, depending on him to protect her.
Carth ran his finger down the side of her face. She did not stir, and he lay still and stared at her, watching her beautiful face. She was such a lovely girl, but she was so thin and sick. He was very worried about her. Her health was such that she would not live much longer if she continued to treat her body as she had been before she showed up in his home.
He was truly afraid that Revan would leave the following day. He knew that if he didn't take care of her, at least at first, she would not take care of herself. She'd just continue to waste away until there was nothing left.
Carth would miss her, too. Now that he had seen her again, he wasn't ready to let go quite yet. He knew that that was selfish of him, but he loved Revan, whether she knew it or not, and one day every four years wasn't enough for him.
It was also possible that Revan, were she willing, could be the banner beneath which the Republic could reunite. The last of the Jedi, or one of the last two, and a savior of the Republic, could easily rally the people behind her cause, especially someone like Revan, with such a power over those around her.
Revan had been the most important thing in his life for the last five years, and she would continue to be, whether she was still with him or not. Even if Revan were to fall, he would never stop loving her. Even if he were forced to kill Revan for her loyalty to the dark side, he would always love her.
Carth found these thoughts to be upsetting and he quickly blocked them from his mind. He glanced around the room to check for anything out of the ordinary. Finding nothing, he closed his eyes and settled back to sleep.
