Alexis was drying her eyes when Atton walked into the room. He shut the door carefully behind him and sprawled out on the bed beside her, making himself comfortable.
"Are you here expecting to celebrate?" Alexis asked him with a sniffle. He didn't reply.
Alexis continued to dab at her eyes, trying to catch her breath. She wasn't sure why she'd cried. It hadn't helped the situation any and losing control over her emotions made her feel weak and useless. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, but it was unwelcome nonetheless.
"I had forgotten that Kalen was so wise." Alexis said quietly. It was true. She had remembered Kalen being an impulsive youth, much like she herself had been. Had Kalen always been so… together?
Atton still said nothing. Alexis sighed and collapsed onto the bed beside him and shut her eyes. "Would you stop counting? You're practically shouting numbers and it's about to make me crazy."
That brought a chuckle. "Can't figure out what I'm thinking?"
"I really don't want to know. Actually, you're projecting your surface thoughts so loudly that T3 could probably read them." Alexis told him. "What are you trying to keep her from finding out?"
"She knows everything worth knowing," Atton muttered.
"No she doesn't, or you wouldn't be shouting numbers at me for all you were worth. What, are you two so close that you can't stay out of one another's minds, even when you try?"
"Please, spare me. You can obviously already see what's going on."
"I just want to hear you say it." Alexis said. So, why didn't Atton want Kalen to know that he loved her?
"You remember me… from during the wars, don't you?" Atton asked her shrewdly.
Alexis's eyes popped open. "I do."
"And you know about… the things that I did. How good I was at killing Jedi."
"I do."
"And you know that I... enjoyed it?"
"I do."
"Would you stop saying I do? Space! It's sounds like we're getting married." Atton said crossly.
"Hearing wedding bells in your future?" Alexis asked with a soft laugh.
"I'm trying to be serious here and you're laughing at me!" Atton practically shouted.
"Easy, Atton. I'm only teasing you. Go ahead and finish what you were saying." Alexis said. This conversation with Atton was making her feel better somehow.
"She deserves someone better than me; someone who didn't like killing; someone who didn't murder the last woman he loved."
"Then let her go." Alexis said quietly. She knew she was pushing him, but someone had to.
"I can't. That's just it. I can't let her go. I want your help. Please, help me protect her from… well… me."
"I don't think that Kalen wants that kind of protection, Atton. I think she'd much rather have you."
"I don't deserve her! I'm a murderer. I'm a monster! Why in the Force does she want me?"
"Everyone can be redeemed, Atton. Look at me. Think of what I once was. Now… now you all want me to save the Republic, to save the Jedi. I don't deserve a second chance. But here I am. I'm getting it. The Force works in mysterious ways. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason."
"Don't spout your Jedi nonsense at me, Revan!" Atton sputtered in frustration.
Alexis extended her hand slowly to his belt and unclipped his lightsaber and held it in front of his face. "It's your nonsense too, Atton." She said quietly.
He snatched his lightsaber and hooked it back in place. "Only because of her. Only to protect her," he said.
"Atton, I'm going to tell you something in the strictest confidence. If I find that you have repeated it to anyone, I'll… steal you're favorite jacket and tear it to shreds."
"Nice threat," he muttered under his breath.
"Look, I don't have to tell you anything."
"Oh, go ahead. You know it'll make you happy," the sarcasm was thick on his voice.
"Love doesn't have to lead her to the dark side. Love can save just as quickly as it can damn. Just ask her. Just ask me." And now Atton knew. He knew that she loved Carth. She wondered if they all knew.
"I know you love him, Revan. But you haven't acted on it, have you? That's what I want. I want to be able to leave her alone. To hide my feelings, to protect her and myself." Atton sounded a little angry.
"Don't use me as an example. I have to fight it every day. It's harder than you'll ever know."
"She's a Jedi, Revan. Jedi aren't supposed to love."
"She's an Exile. None of us are Jedi. Not really. Give her a chance, Atton. Let her tell you why you're worth her love."
"You know she's never said it… She may not love me at all."
"You wouldn't be so worried about it if you didn't already know. You two have to fight to stay out of each other's heads. Just let go. Two can be stronger than one."
"When are you going to follow your own advice?"
"Do as I say, Atton, not as I do."
"Can I call you mummy?" Atton asked, grinning sardonically.
"I'm younger than you. Much too young to be your mother."
"Then stop acting like her."
"Oh, get out, you rat!" Alexis growled, mockingly preparing to throw a pillow at him.
Atton hopped off of the bed and began to back away, his hands held in the air as if she had a blaster pointed at his chest.
Atton stopped at the door and looked back at her. "I'll think about what you've said."
"Hey, Atton."
"Yeah?"
"Looks like I've gotten started."
"Started what?"
"Saving the galaxy, one lovesick boy at a time."
"There's one in the living room who's been in pain a lot longer than I have. Maybe you should get to work on him next." And with that, Atton was gone.
Alexis fell back onto the mattress and stared at the door. It had been a strange morning. She and Atton Rand barely knew one another, yet he'd spilled his guts as if they'd been friends for years. Perhaps their bond went deeper than she had previously thought. It was a bond of shared pain and regret.
She and Atton Rand were more alike than she'd ever considered. They were former Sith, dealing with their past failings in the only way they knew how: by aiding their betters. Alexis had attached herself to Carth and Atton to Kalen. In Atton, Alexis found a kindred spirit. If things turned out well, they might even become friends. She certainly hoped so. She'd had precious few of those in her life and most of them were dead.
The closest friend Alexis had ever had was Malak, and that relationship certainly hadn't turned out well. Next was Bastila, and Bastila was lost to her forever. Juhani and Jolee, they were both long gone. Mission was living on Kashyyyk with Zaalbarr and Alexis hadn't seen them in five years. She and Kalen had only been distant friends, not close enough to remain in contact during the Mandalorian Wars. She looked forward to building real relationships with Kalen, Atton, and all of the others, of course, but she knew that her only real friend was Carth. Even he was not truly her friend. He was so much more…
She was such a hypocrite, giving Atton advice that she couldn't bring herself to follow. She just couldn't… wouldn't give in to her emotions again. Part of the reason she'd fallen was that she'd fancied herself in love with Malak.
When she'd realized the truth, that she didn't love him, she had finally been broken and began to travel long path to the dark side. Oh, that wasn't the only reason, but it had always been a factor. And her lack of emotion where Malak was concerned was the reason he had turned on her and attacked her ship, allowing the Jedi to capture her.
She knew, of course, that her love for Carth was nothing like her love for Malak. For starters, she knew that her love for Carth was real. But did that make any difference in the effect love could have on her? She wasn't sure. And she didn't want to test it… and yet it was so tempting, to give in: to throw caution to the wind and tell Carth just how she felt.
If she did, was all hope for the Republic lost? Could the Jedi be rebuilt under a woman who couldn't even follow one of the most basic tenets of the Jedi Code? Maybe that didn't matter. Maybe she didn't have to act like a Jedi to train Jedi.
Frivolous dreams, at least for now. She was barely well enough to kill a single Sith Assassin. Whether or not she could train students was not even relevant yet.
It was curious, though, to think about how she would go about training Jedi. They would have to know almost immediately that she was no Jedi, that she never would be again. Would loving be so wrong for someone who was already an ex-Jedi? Would students obey a master who did not obey her own rules? It was hard to say.
Alexis mentally shook herself. It didn't matter yet. All that mattered was getting her ready to step back into the public eye… to groom her into the rallying figurehead she was about to become.
It had been two weeks since Carth had seen Revan. It shouldn't have mattered after the years that they had spent apart, but it did. They even remained in contact via comlink. It wasn't as if they were completely apart. They were still on the same planet. He missed her, nonetheless.
On the very same day that Revan had agreed to step forward and help the Republic, Kalen had packed her away to the Jedi Academy in Telos' polar region for what the two young Jedi had referred to as "intense retraining". All of Kalen's party had disappeared with them.
Carth had gone back to work the following day, throwing himself back into the bureaucratic nonsense that was the Telos Restoration Project. Telos had to be repaired or the Republic wouldn't try to save another Outer Rim world. The project couldn't fail.
Though Citadel Station had a new fuel source and there had been very little damage done to the station during the last battle with the Sith, there were still a lot of problems. Czerka was a constant concern, as were the mercenaries and pirates inhabiting some of the shield zones on the planet's surface.
Carth stared at the report he was trying to read, rubbing his head with a free hand. He still didn't have the hang of reading Ithorian. He certainly couldn't speak it. His only hope was either to get Revan to teach it to him or to find some sort of translator. Revan was busy, however, so it looked like he was going to have to find someone or something to help him finish reading the report from Chodo Habat, the Ithorian leader on Telos.
Carth almost missed the Sojourn at times like this. The starship had taken off again only days after docking at Citadel Station under a different commander to give Carth a break. He knew that it was really so that he could remain on Telos and work on the Restoration Project, but no one in the Republic said quite what they meant anymore.
Carth glanced out of his window and saw that once again, he had worked past dark. He stood slowly, tossing the report back onto his desk as he did so. He wandered out of his office quickly and into the office of his secretary. She was still sitting behind her desk, working at her computer diligently. Lately she had been working late every time Carth did. It was getting a bit strange.
"Working late again, Seré?" Carth asked, stifling a yawn.
The girl looked up and flashed him a dazzling smile. "Of course! You don't think I'd leave while my boss was still here, do you?" She batted her eyelashes at him with an expression of wide-eyed innocence. Carth didn't think she had the intelligence of a Gamorrean raider.
"Well, I'm leaving." Carth said, trying his hardest to be polite. It was difficult, to say the least, when he was so frustrated. Revan, Telos, the Republic: everything weighed heavily on Carth's mind and there was nothing that he could do about any of them.
"Will you walk me to my apartment? I hate walking through the Citadel alone at night. I don't feel safe." She continued to bat her eyes. Carth wondered if that ever became painful. Perhaps it would cause an epileptic seizure if she just kept at it…
He could see no way out of it. He'd have to walk her home. He groaned mentally. "Sure. Get your things and let's go."
When Seré was ready, Carth took her by the arm and marched her all the way to her apartment at a steady clip, ignoring all of her attempts at conversation. By the end of the trip, after he refused her invitation to come into her apartment, Seré looked surly and Carth felt like shooting the next thing he saw with his blaster.
