Title: We've Got Tonight
Summary: The coin toss never happens, and Harm and Mac go their separate ways. But they run into one another over the years and find the spark is still there.
March 2010
La Jolla, California
"God, you look incredible." She blushes, and I can't do anything but stand in the doorway and gawk at her.
"Thanks," she says. She bites on her lower lip and then looks over her bare shoulder. "Want to come in for a minute?"
I nod and nearly whimper when her back is to me. The back of the dress is low cut, and her hair is in a messy bun at the nape of her neck like it was that night we spent together. I push the door shut, and she turns to face me. "Nice place," I say.
She wrinkles her nose and straightens a throw pillow. "It's a little too sleek and modern for my taste." Then she shrugs. "But it has great amenities and security. And a great view." She gestures to the balcony, and I follow her to the French doors and pull one open. It feels pleasant outside, and I clutch the railing as I take in the city.
"Wow," I say. "This is amazing." She beams, and I turn to look at her. "Are you happy here?" She frowns, and I shake my head. "I don't mean the apartment, but San Diego in general."
"I am," she starts. She glances at me and then turns back to the view of the harbor. "I like it here. I missed DC a lot in the beginning. Especially the seasons." She looks at me and smiles, and my heart beats a little faster. "For as much as I always complained about it, it turns out I really miss snow."
I laugh, and she turns back to the view. "But yeah, I'm happy here. I'd be content to retire here."
My eyes widen, and I place my hand on her waist. "Are you thinking about retiring?"
She shrugs and turns to me. "I mean, it's not on the agenda anytime soon. But it's going to happen at some point."
"And you'd stay here?"
She shrugs again. "Why not? It's not like I have a hometown I love to go back to. Washington would be fine. But I'm already here, and I'm happy here, so why not just settle down and stay?" I don't say anything, and she cocks her head to the side and gives me a small smile. "What about you? One of these days, you'll be out of the Navy. Now, provided that happens before it's time for a retirement home, where do you want to be?"
I roll my eyes at the retirement home comment, and then I think about her question. I can't answer it because the truth is, I don't know. I can't say that I've ever really thought about it. I don't want to settle down in Beallsville, Pennsylvania – because no matter how much I love the farm, I could never live in a small town like that full-time. And I've been ready to leave London almost since my plane landed that first day. It's startling to realize that even with a loving family, and well-established roots, I don't feel like I have a permanent home. "I honestly don't know," I say. We both fall quiet, and then I glance at my watch. "We should probably get going," I say.
The house is already full of guests when we arrive, and her eyes widen as she takes in the house I spent my adolescence in. "Whoa."
I know how she feels. I have lived here for six years and am always surprised at its grandeur. One of the hired valets approaches, opens her door, and then comes around to open mine. I pass him the key and then hurry around the car to her. I reach for her hand, and we make our way to the front door. I let us in and looked around for family members since I didn't know anyone else there. I spot my grandmother first and squeeze her hand. "Come on," I say. There's someone I'd like for you to meet."
My grandmother is talking to a young guy in a waiter's uniform, and I grin when I notice his cheeks are bright red. "Grams, stop flirting," I say.
She glances at me and then back to the waiter. "Harm, this is Kevin. He's studying medicine at the University of San Diego and has a cat named Patches." I raise an eyebrow, and she shrugs. "What? His appetizers are the best so far, so I've had plenty of time to get to know him." She reaches for one of the puffs on the tray and hands it to me. "It's a salmon puff, and you'll think you've died and gone to heaven."
I hold the puff in my hand, and she and Kevin both watch me. I awkwardly eat the puff and nod. "Delicious," I say. I brush my hands off and place a hand on the small of Mac's back. "Grams, I have someone I'd love for you to meet." My grandmother turns to me, and Kevin takes the opportunity to scurry away. "Grams, this is Sarah MacKenzie. She was my partner at JAG." I look at Mac and smile. "Mac, my grandmother – Sarah Rabb."
Before Mac can say or do anything, my grandmother sets down her glass of champagne and places her hands on Mac's face. "You don't know how badly I've wanted to meet you. Ever since that first trip to Russia." No one says anything, and my grandmother swallows hard and takes a breath. "Thank you," she says softly.
"You're welcome," she says quietly.
"Mac, darling!"
Mac and I turn and spot my mother and Frank approaching us. Mom met Mac exactly one time near the beginning of our partnership but greets her as if she's a lifelong friend. She hugs her, and then Frank does the same.
"Harm didn't tell us he was bringing you tonight!"
Mac looks at me in alarm and then back at my mother. "Oh! I hope – I hope it's okay."
"Of course, it is. It's wonderful to see you again." Someone calls her name, and she closes her eyes for just a moment before looking up at Frank. "We need to go mingle," she says. "But we'll find you two later."
We stand there with my grandmother for a moment, and then her eyes light up. "I see Kevin, and he has a fresh tray. Will you two excuse me?" I nod and then fight back a laugh as my grandmother pushes her way through the room.
"I guess she doesn't have salmon puffs very often in rural Pennsylvania," I say softly. Mac laughs, and I smile. "Want a tour of the house?" She nods, and I take her hand again, and we head upstairs. I point out the small library and mom's studio, and then we reach a door with a small pair of painted gold wings.
She raises an eyebrow. "Your room, I'm guessing."
"My room," I say. I open the door and let her go in first. She laughs and then turns to face me.
"This is exactly what I imagined your bedroom would be like." I feel my face heat, and I look past her and take in the plane models and Navy memorabilia covering every inch of the wall. She looks away and moves over to a bookshelf. "I like it," she says.
"Thanks." I watch her run her fingers over one of the model planes and then trace the gold letters on the spine of one of the books. I like seeing her here, among my childhood memories. I move closer to her and rest my hand on her back again. "Thanks for coming tonight."
She nods, and her tongue sweeps over her bottom lip. "Thanks for asking me." My eyes fall to her lips, and before I can stop, I'm lowering my mouth to hers. She opens her mouth to me, deepening the kiss. My hand moves up her back, fingers playing over her spine, and when she shivers, I pull her closer.
"Ahem."
We pull apart and turn to look at the doorway. It's Frank, and he looks away. "Your mom wants you to meet some friends of hers.
I look at Mac and then nod. "We'll be right down."
Having Mac at this party made it bearable. Almost fun, even. But around 11:00, the guests start to leave, and I turn to her and asked if she's ready to go.
"I probably should," she says. "It's getting late."
"Big plans tomorrow?"
Her cheeks pinken, and she nods. "Yeah."
The realization that she's likely seeing someone else tomorrow makes me feel queasy. "Okay," I mumble. We find mom, Frank, and grams, and they say their goodbyes, and then we head outside to the valet stand. Neither of us says a word as I hand over the ticket, and we wait for my rental car to be brought around.
"You're quiet," she finally says once we're on the road.
"Sorry," I say. I'm not sorry, however. I don't know what to say to her right now. I know she's seeing someone, but I don't particularly appreciate being reminded of it while she's with me. On something that could be considered a date. While she looks as beautiful as she does. And after seeing how well she gets along with my family. All night I've been thinking about what could have been, and facing the reality that we're not together, and she's dating someone else – no matter how casually – fucking hurts. I feel her eyes on me and glance at her briefly before turning my attention back to the road. "So, does he know you're with me tonight?"
"He does," she says. "I told you; I respect him enough not to keep secrets." They go quiet again, and then she sighs and shifts in the seat. "What are we doing, Harm?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
I can't help but roll my eyes. "Now, who's answering a question with a question."
She laughs, but it isn't a happy sound. "You're right." She's quiet again, and I wonder if we're done talking. "We kissed tonight. We kissed at Sturgis' wedding. We spent the night together in Boston. I was jealous of Gemma, and you're acting jealous of Ben. So, let me ask again – what are we doing?"
"I don't know," I answer honestly.
"Because nothing has changed," she continues as if I didn't say anything. "I want you, and I know you want me. But you're still in London, and I'm still here. I can't give up my career, you can't give up yours, and we can't be together while things are the way they are."
"I know," I say quietly. "So, I guess the better question is, why are we doing this?"
Her intake of breath is sharp, and I glance her way again. "That night in Boston," she starts, and then trails off and shakes her head before starting again. "I thought I could be satisfied with that. With the occasional night with you. I thought a little of you was better than a lifetime of mediocrity with someone else."
She's right, I think. That one night with her was better than months of back and forth with Gemma.
"But then you came to the wedding with Gemma, and I realized I might not even get the occasional night. So, I guess the answer to your question is I don't know. I don't know why we're doing this or putting ourselves and each other through this."
"Mac," I start, knowing what her next words will be and afraid of hearing them. "Don't say it," I plead.
"We shouldn't see each other anymore," she says softly, and I grip the steering wheel tighter. I feel like I'm back by the taxi stand in Paraguay; only her words manage to cut me deeper this time.
"Is that really what you want," I ask.
She shakes her head. "No," she says softly. "But I think it's what I need. What we both need." Her voice breaks on the last word, and even though I hate everything she's saying, I reach across the console and take her hand in mine, and neither of us says anything else for the remainder of the drive.
"Thanks for coming with me tonight," I say when I pull into a parking place at her building.
She undoes her seatbelt and turns to face me. "Thanks for asking me."
I nod and put the car in park. "So, is this it? The last time I'll ever see you?"
"I don't know," she says.
"I don't want it to be," I argue.
She shakes her head. "What's the alternative, Harm? A night here and there? Never having a meaningful relationship so we can be free just in case we run into one another? I want more than that, and I know you do too."
I hate to admit it, but she's right. I do want more than that. I can't bring myself to say it, so instead, I lean across the console and press my lips against hers. I wait for her to pull away, and when she doesn't, I gently tug on her full bottom lip with my teeth, and the little moan that comes from the back of her throat sends a jolt of pleasure to my groin.
She places a hand against my chest and gently pushes back. But before I can mourn the loss of her, she meets my gaze and cocks her head to the side. "Want to come up?"
I place my hand on her neck and tangle my fingers into her hair. "What about everything you just said?"
"I know what I said, but you're here, and I want one more night with you."
I want that too, so I turn off the car, and we both step out and walk to her building. I reach for her hand, wanting to touch her as much as humanly possible. If this is the last night I'll ever have with her, I don't want to waste a minute of it. We hold hands as we take the elevator to her floor, and my hands move to her hips as she digs out her keys and unlocks the door. Once we're inside, she pushes the door shut, and then she kisses me.
Our other kisses tonight have been good, but they haven't been like this – this intense, this frenzied, and I realize that she feels the same way I do and doesn't want to waste one moment of our night together. I back away from her just long enough to shrug off my blazer and drop it on the floor. She unknots my tie, and I pull it free while she begins undoing the buttons on my shirt. Once my shirt joins the growing pile of clothes on the floor, she turns her back to me, and I reach for the zipper on her dress. I gently pull it, and she shimmies out of the skintight dress. Before she turns to face me again, I reach for her hair and give it a gentle tug. I lower my mouth to her ear and whisper, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
She laughs, then reaches back and tugs out a few pins. Her long hair cascades past her bare shoulders to the middle of her back. She turns to me and closes her eyes as I move my hands through the dark strands and run my fingers over her scalp. "I think Rapunzel was blonde," she says.
"Not in my version," I say, pulling her to me again and lifting her into my arms. Her legs wrap around my waist, and her mouth finds mine again. I pull back and look around. "Where's the bedroom?"
"Down the hall, first door on the right." And then she's kissing me again, and I carry her to the bedroom. The bedroom curtains are open, and there's enough light coming in that I can find the bed without light and gently deposit her. She turns on the bedside lamp and leans back against her massive pile of pillows to watch me undo my belt. I pull out my wallet before taking off my pants and pulling out a condom.
"Do you want me to use this?"
"Have you been tested since Gemma?" I nod, and she swallows. "There hasn't been anyone for me in almost a year." My eyes widen, and she shrugs self-consciously at my unasked question. "I told you; he and I are taking things slowly."
I nod and toss the wallet and condom aside. If this is the last time we do this, I don't want there to be anything between us. I kick off my shoes and take off the rest of my clothes before settling on the bed and pulling off her tiny black panties. Then I gently push her thighs apart and settle between her legs. I start at her knee and place kisses up her leg, stopping at the crease of her inner thigh.
"Harm, please," she whimpers, and as much as I'd like to tease her, I can't resist giving her what she wants, and she sucks in a deep breath as I give her what she wants and part her with my tongue. She gasps, arching up, and I wrap my arms around her tighter and lick harder. I close my eyes, letting her fill my senses. I want to remember this forever – how she tastes and sounds and how perfect she feels. She's thrashing and pleading for more; I know she's about to come.
"Come for me, baby," I whisper, and she cries out before doing as I ask.
I stay between her thighs as she settles down and then kiss my way back up her perfect body, touching and kissing as much of her as I can. I want to take my time and savor this; I want to memorize her. But I also know that I may die if I'm not inside her soon. She's watching me, her hands in my hair, and I swallow hard. "I still love you; you know that, right?"
She nods, and her eyes are wet. "I still love you too." I kiss her, and this kiss is sweet and gentle. She presses a hand against my chest, and I pull back just enough. "Make love to me, Harm. Please."
I take a deep breath and nod. I close my eyes as the head of my cock nudges her entrance, and we both gasp as I gently push inside her.
It's nearly 4:00 am when I get back to mom and Frank's house. I want a drink – a very large drink, and then I want to sleep for at least ten hours. Leaving her was brutal. Telling her goodbye and kissing her tear-stained cheeks shattered the remnants of my heart into a million tiny pieces. We clung to each other for what seemed like forever before I finally realized I had to go, and I pulled away, kissed her one last time, and then left.
I unlock the door and head into the kitchen as quietly as possible. There's always been a bottle of vodka in the freezer, and I'm relieved to see there's one there now. I've got the bottle, and I'm reaching for a glass when I hear footsteps and curse under my breath.
"Harm?"
I wince and turn around to face my stepfather. He caught me like this once when I was sixteen, and this moment is just as awkward as that one was. "Hey, Frank."
He looks at the bottle and raises an eyebrow. "Isn't it a little late – or early for straight vodka?"
I shrug and pour a generous amount into the glass. "It's been a long night."
He frowns and takes the bottle from me. "Have you been with Mac this whole time?" I look away and don't answer. He sighs and reaches for a glass of his own. "Harm, what are you doing?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
He rolls his eyes and sips the cold vodka. "She's not the kind of woman you have a fling with. She's been your best friend for… for what? Ten years?"
"Thirteen," I mutter.
Frank sighs and moves to sit closer to me. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head and take a drink. "Do you love her?"
I want to say no or ignore him altogether. But I'm too emotionally drained to be anything other than honest, and I nod.
"What are you going to do?"
"Nothing," I say. "She's here; I'm in London. It can't be anything." I lift the glass, down the remaining vodka, and then stand. "I'm beat, Frank. I'm going to bed." He watches me return the vodka to the freezer and put the glass in the dishwasher.
"Are you happy, Harm?"
I turn to face him and shrug. "Not at the moment." He gives me a look, and I shrug again. "I don't know," I say honestly.
He nods, comes over, and claps me on the shoulder. "Life is short, son, and you know that better than anyone. It's too short to spend so much of it unhappy."
I pull away from him and swallow hard. "I'm going upstairs, Frank. Goodnight."
"Night, Harm."
End Part Four
