She was alone again; well, except for a certain gizka that she was feeling a bit put out with at the moment. Carth had been due home for two hours now and Alexis was certain he was avoiding her. She'd taken to pacing the apartment, a favorite old habit of hers. Perhaps wearing holes in the floors would make her feel a bit better.
Atton had left a few hours before after an attempt at meditation, which turned to a sparring match and then into an epic pazaak game. Alexis was proud to say that she had won the sparring match, even though she lost the pazaak game… In fact, she'd lost every pazaak game they played. Atton had been cheating, of course, but she'd been content to let him do it. The funny thing was, he knew that she realized he was cheating and he kept right on doing it. He'd clearly found it funny.
Alexis hadn't minded. Atton's antics kept her mind off of the weightier matters she'd asked him to Carth's apartment to discuss in the first place. His departure had been somewhat reluctant. He said he could feel Kalen, skirting around the edges of his mind, and she was angry and spoiling for a fight. Apparently her hangover had not gone away. He had actually looked a little frightened when he left. It was good for him. Maybe Kalen could teach him some manners.
Alexis stopped suddenly in the middle of Carth's living room and stared at the clock on the wall. The time between the ticks of the clock seemed interminably long. Where was her Jedi patience? It always seemed to desert her at the worst times.
Alexis threw herself onto the couch with a loud sigh just as the door opened. Alexis could feel Carth before she saw him so she didn't turn around. In truth, she wasn't sure what she'd do or say if she did, so she kept her eyes firmly on her hands, which were clasped in her lap.
"Revan?" Carth said softly.
Alexis realized that he couldn't see her. The lights were off and she was practically laying on the couch. The urge to say nothing was overwhelming. She knew that they couldn't avoid one another forever, so she needed to answer him, but she found that she certainly didn't want to. She was still too confused to talk to him just yet.
"I'm here." Alexis said finally, sitting up higher in her seat as Carth turned on the light.
"I'm sorry I'm late. I picked up dinner on the way home, if you're hungry." Carth said, waving a bag at her as he made his way towards the kitchen. He looked very tired, as if something had been weighing heavily on his mind all day long.
Alexis stood and followed in his wake. He didn't turn to look at her as he stopped at the counter and opened the bag. He removed several cartons from the bag, took one, and turned and settled himself into a chair by the table in a very short amount of time. Alexis followed suit, settling across the table from him. Something was off, somehow.
Carth looked up at her as she opened the container she'd picked up. She appreciated the gesture, but the food didn't look all that appetizing. Carth turned away once again and dug into his food as if her were starving. Alexis said nothing. She scooped up her fork and poked at the meal in front of her.
"I spoke to Roshana Seraph today," Carth said quietly.
Alexis didn't know anyone by that name. By his tone, he seemed to think that she did. "I see," Alexis responded uncertainly.
"Aren't you going to eat that?" Carth asked, waving his hand absently at her food.
"Not hungry."
Carth grunted in response and turned back to his food. The silence stretched on. Alexis put her fork back down on the table and waited for some time, hoping he would continue.
"She'd like to meet with you."
The time that had elapsed as Carth ate had made Alexis forget exactly what he was talking about. She frowned and stared at him blankly.
"The senator from Telos? She's on planet. I met with her today and she told me she'd like to speak with you before you face the Senate."
Was that why he was behaving so strangely? That didn't seem to fit. "Oh. When does she want to see me?"
"In two days," Carth replied shortly.
Alexis watched him as he continued to eat, his motions almost forceful. He seemed to be in a hurry, too. Alexis wasn't sure it would be wise to ask what was wrong with him. "I see."
"Did you and Atton have a nice day?"
Alexis's eyes narrowed. How did he know Atton had been there? "How did you- No. Never mind. It was very nice," Alexis said with a shake of her head. It didn't matter how he knew.
Carth didn't say anything. He closed the carton he'd been eating from a few seconds before and stood up and put it back on the counter. "Are you finished with that?" He asked, holding out his hand to take her carton. She hadn't eaten a bite.
"Yes. Carth, Dustil called today."
"Did he?" Carth asked, turning away and tossing her carton onto the counter next to his. He didn't seem the least bit interested.
Finally, Alexis had had enough. She stood up and walked over to him. When her body was a mere three inches form his, she turned her eyes up and looked into his. "Yes, he did. Do you care what he had to say or are you going to keep trying to pretend I'm a rather dull-witted child you need to ignore?"
Carth's eyes widened for a second, and then became hooded once more. Clearly that hadn't had that much effect. "You spoke to him?"
"Yes. I can manage speech when the mood strikes me," Alexis responded crossly.
"I can see that."
Alexis took a deep breath and counted to ten in Basic. Her anger had not abated, so she tried Huttese. Rhodian. Twi'lek. Gammorrean. Finally, she felt a little calmer. Calm enough that she managed not to howl in frustration, anyway. "I'm going to head over to the Ebon Hawk to find more agreeable company. I probably won't be back tonight. Goodbye."
"Running away again?"
Alexis gasped as if she'd been struck. She rounded on him, her eyes wide and her mouth open. Her pain must have been written clearly on her face for Carth's expression quickly changed. He reached for her, as if to grasp her arm.
Alexis pulled away before he could grab her. Why had he gone out of his way to hurt her? She turned and ran from the kitchen and into the living room. She could hear the echo of Carth's weighty footfalls on the floor behind her.
Alexis lifted the heavy brown hooded robe Atton had recently given her from the couch and darted down the hall towards Carth's bedroom. She passed its door and disappeared into the small storage closet just beyond. It was a simple matter to bar the door with the Force.
She could faintly hear Carth calling to her as she settled onto the floor between the boxes of paper and old clothes. The room was dark, but she didn't notice. She pulled the robe on and flipped up the hood. She was cold, but the robe didn't seem to ward off the chill. She had a feeling that the cold wasn't really going to go away.
Alexis sighed and pulled the robe tighter about herself anyway. She'd done the very thing that Carth had accused her of. She'd run away again. And that was exactly what she had been going to do when faced with Carth's foul temper. She'd been planning to run to the Ebon Hawk: to escape.
Why was it that she could stand firm in the midst of the most hopeless of battles, unafraid of pain or of death, but she turned tail and fled every time anything came anywhere near touching her emotions?
The answer was a simple one. She hadn't always been this way. Before the Sith, before her emotions ruled her life, Alexis had been able to handle anything thrown at her. Now, she was afraid to feel: afraid that once again, anything that she let touch the real her, not just the surface, would take her back to the dark side.
The fear was borne of the dark side and it ate at her like a disease, rending her apart from within. She tried to control it, tried to master it, but it swelled within her every time she took a breath. Alexis shuddered violently and shut her eyes. She could feel the burn of unshed tears and she fought against it, fought her emotions for all she was worth.
In the end, she won the battle. The urge to cry subsided and Alexis drew her knees up to her chest and rested her head against them. Carth hadn't abandoned her. He was still outside of the door, even though he was no longer making any noise. In fact, he was leaning against it in much the same position she was in.
Alexis let her thoughts drift away from him. Thinking of Carth only made things worse. Not that anything she thought of didn't hold at least a little bit of pain. Did the Republic really need someone who ran away from the simplest challenge? Who couldn't handle her emotions? Who sat about, brooding about her own feelings when there were many more important things that needed her attention?
Alexis stiffened her spine and opened her eyes. She started to stand but was startled when she suddenly realized that the once dark room was glowing a faint blue. She turned her head slowly, afraid that the light's source would suddenly vanish. It didn't. Jolee Bindo was sitting on her left on a crate full of papers, munching on a sandwich.
"Glad to see you've still got a bit of back bone in you." Jolee growled at her in between bites. Alexis was startled.
"How…" She began, but couldn't finish.
"Hmph. Quit wasting your time with the how. It's the why that's important, kid," Jolee responded, tossing away the remains of the sandwich, which vanished into thin air.
Alexis took a deep breath. "Okay. Why are you back?"
"I don't even get a "Hello, Jolee. How have you been'?"
"Hello, old man. I've missed you," Alexis said sincerely.
"Hmph," Jolee responded. He looked so real. Alexis raised her hand to his face. His presence felt warm, yet Alexis couldn't quite touch him. He was there, but he wasn't. He was a part of the Force.
"So, why did you come?"
"I'm here to ask you a question."
"Ask away," Alexis responded, perplexed.
"Why did you come back?"
"I haven't gone anywhere."
Jolee sighed dramatically. "Why do I put up with these simpletons? Alexis, why did you return from the Unknown Regions? You haven't eradicated the Sith. You weren't finished."
"Are you telling me I should have stayed?"
"Let me tell you a story…"
"Oh no, not that again, old man-"
"You'll hear this one whether you like it or not. There was once a foolish young Jedi who often spoke to a wise and distinguished older man. Every time he told her anything, she thought that there was specific lesson in it that was meant just for her."
"Wasn't there?" Alexis asked, grinning insolently at him.
"Sometimes there was. Sometimes there wasn't. Everything I say doesn't have some hidden meaning. Heck, most of it doesn't," Jolee told her, picking at his teeth with his pinky fingernail.
"So was I supposed to have stayed in the Unknown Regions?" Alexis pressed.
"Alexis, I don't claim to know everything. Far from it. But I will say this. Everything you do, you do for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is. Maybe you should have stayed in the Unknown Regions, maybe you shouldn't have. That's no longer relevant. Why did you come back?"
"I don't know," Alexis said impatiently. Had he come here just to pester her?
"Yes you do! Why did you come to Telos?" Jolee asked, leaning towards her and staring into her eyes intently.
"You seem to know the answer. Why don't you tell me?" Alexis asked stubbornly.
"It's more fun watching you struggle," Jolee muttered darkly. "Look, kid. I do know why you came back. So does everyone else. You're the only one that's too blind to see it. Well, I guess there is one more, but you both were always a bit thick."
"Was it to meet Kalen?" Alexis asked him. She didn't understand where this conversation was going. She was back now. Why was it important what the reason had been for her return?
Jolee didn't answer, he just glared back at her. Alexis looked down, feeling silly. What was he getting at? "Jolee, I just don't know. I didn't know why I was heading back when I was doing it. I just… turned my ship around and headed home one day."
A grin split Jolee's face. "Telos is home, is it?"
Alexis furrowed her eyebrows. Well, she'd never really thought about it, but Telos did feel like home. Even though she'd only been here for a short while before she left known space; even though she had no real ties here; and even though she'd never lived here herself. "I- why are you smiling?"
"You're getting closer to the answer. So, what's so great about Telos? It's not much to look at."
Alexis frowned slightly. Telos wasn't beautiful. In fact, the Citadel Station was rather sterile and unattractive. It had been gorgeous once, before Malak had destroyed it. "It's familiar, I suppose. It doesn't hold as many bad memories as Dantooine and very few people would recognize me here. If I stayed on Coruscant, everyone would know immediately that I'd returned."
Jolee glared at her again. "You're thicker than I thought. Stop thinking about it for now. You'll just hurt yourself. Just, promise you'll keep it in mind. Meditate on it or something. I'm sure it will come to you."
"Are you leaving?" Alexis asked suddenly. She found that she wasn't ready for Jolee to leave just yet.
"I can stay for a few more minutes, then I'm leaving. I'll be back, though. You can't function on your own," Jolee told her.
"Can I ask you something?"
"You just did, but I gather you have something else to ask me, so spit it out."
"Is Bastila- can Bastila do what you're doing? Have you seen her?" Alexis said in a rush. She hadn't realized just how much she'd missed the girl. It had been so long since she'd seen her.
Bastila had been a soothing presence, always lurking in the corners of her mind. They had had such a deep connection that she had been unable to shield Bastila from her thoughts, even when they were far away from one another. Bastila had known everything. Alexis missed that. Alexis missed having someone who could see all of her faults and still accept her and even love her like family.
She and Bastila had been so candid with one another, discussing things that Alexis would never have told another soul. Bastila had done the same. All of the dark, slimy secrets had been brought into the light and shown for what they were. And they had still trusted and respected one another.
As the years of separation had passed, however, she and Bastila had grown apart. When Bastila had died, Alexis had felt a very sharp, very personal disturbance in the Force. She had known the cause, of course, but she had always held out hope that her suspicions were wrong.
Jolee shook his head slowly. "I've felt her, but she's never actually appeared. She seems to be struggling a bit. This technique is very hard to accomplish, even for the Masters."
"You know Bastila," Alexis said sadly, "she'll never give up without a fight."
Jolee gave her a soft smile. "I have to go. Catch ya later, kiddo," Jolee said as his presence faded away.
Carth sat outside the door to the closet, cursing himself for a fool. He never should have said those things to Revan. She was too fragile for him to take out his anger and frustration on. She wasn't ready to deal with his emotions as well as her own.
He'd been in a bad mood all day thanks to Seré, and as a result, his meeting with the senator, Roshana Seraph, had gone badly. He'd been the one to call her, to ask for a meeting for himself. She'd very happy to see him, at least at first. He'd shown up late and explained the situation with Revan rather poorly. She'd demanded to see Revan right then and Carth had refused.
The senator had finally asked him to leave after they'd argued for several minutes. He wouldn't leave, telling her that she would have to meet Revan eventually. The senator, a normally calm woman, had yelled several uncomplimentary things about his mother. She was, after all, still very young. She wasn't much older than Revan, actually.
Carth had to admit, the whole thing was his fault. If he'd told her she could meet with Revan another day immediately rather than just refusing her, she wouldn't have gotten so upset. They probably would have parted amicably. Sadly, that hadn't been the case. He'd told her that she would be able to see Revan in two days and she'd agreed half-heartedly.
He knew why she was so upset. She was sitting on the best secret in the galaxy. One that, when revealed, could very well help save the Republic. Her loyalties told her not to wait. She wanted to throw Revan into the role of the rallying figurehead instantly. Carth knew that Revan wasn't ready for that. He was only trying to protect her. He respected the senator's reasoning, but he didn't agree with it.
He'd told the senator that he would be attending and she had flatly rejected that idea. She had said that she would meet with Revan alone or not at all. Carth had argued that point for several more minutes before he finally gave up and asked just what they would be discussing. The senator wouldn't say. She said that was between her and Revan.
Carth had gotten angry all over again, saying that she could just forget the whole thing. In the end, he knew that that couldn't be the case. Revan needed to meet with Seraph before she went before the Senate. She had to have a sponsor or they wouldn't see her, former Sith Lord or not.
The senator had known that, too. Carth had gone back to his office after the meeting, his irritation doubling with every step he took. When he got there, Seré had asked one last time to stay at his apartment, and he'd blown up. He'd shouted at her until she ran from the office, sobbing. He'd felt like a bastard afterwards, which had only made things worse.
When he'd finally gotten home, he was so furious that he was actually shaking. He hated being left out of the loop, especially when the information was so important to him. He hadn't even really been angry about her spending the day with Atton. He was no fool. He knew they were only friends. But he'd goaded her about it, and snapped at her when she told him that she'd answered the com-link. What if someone had found out that she was staying here? What if someone who wanted to hurt her had realized that she was still alive?
Answering the com hadn't been all that terrible, though, but Carth had finally lost control completely. He'd purposefully chosen the most hurtful thing he could say to her. It was, quite possibly, the lowest he'd ever gone. It had been stupid and childish and he'd hurt the one person he wanted the most to protect.
Carth felt the door push against his back and he stood up quickly, waiting for Revan to emerge. When she did, her eyes were red and she looked pale, but she didn't look angry. In fact, her expression was like a mask of stone. There was no emotion to be found there. She nodded to him once and said, "Forgive me. My outburst earlier was remarkably juvenile. Perhaps I'll be better able to control myself in the future."
Before Carth could apologize in return, Revan swept away, the huge cloak she was wearing dragging the ground behind her. She stopped in the living room, ignoring Carth as he called her name. She knelt down and shut her eyes, apparently to meditate. She was gone before Carth reached her side, her mind far, far away.
