DISCLAIMER: Dark Angel is not mine…and it makes me cry to know that.
A/N: Well, here's some Alec then. In fact, some Alec angst, but also some Max angst. I'm pretty sure at this point that there's only going to be one more chapter left. I don't know. It's already three chapters longer than intended, so bad me. Thanks for the responses and reviews!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CHAPTER 7
She saw a slight movement in the glass, and a reflection came to view.
"I'm glad you're doing better,"
Max spun around from her position by her window, her heart leaping to her throat. "Me, too." she replied, eyeing Alec warily. This was the first time she had really seen him since waking up. She hadn't been able to face him; hadn't been strong enough to work through the emotional weights around her.
It didn't surprise her that he would decide to show up at four in the morning. It seemed appropriate. He knew that she didn't sleep much, and it was an odd time of night, one that would assure that he would have her attention completely because nobody else would be around.
He pursed his lips thoughtfully, as if trying to decide what to say that wouldn't upset the tenuous balance of their fractured relationship. And in those spare moments of silence, Max took the time to look at him.
Life had seemed to go on a fast-forward pace since the destruction of Manticore and the exposure of the Transgenics. She couldn't remember the last time she had slowed down enough to really look at what was left around her.
Now that the war was a thing of the past, she was starkly aware of how precious little she had left in her life. War didn't just take its toll through the casualty count. It strained relationships, buried what little humanity was left in her, destroyed idealism, and somewhere along the way, it had even robbed her of her will to live.
But Alec had stayed constant by her side. And now that she knew things were nearing the end…she wanted to remember him, just the way he looked right at this moment.
She just stared at him, her face coolly blank, as if looking at a piece of art. She had known, in a detached way, that Alec was beautiful. Time only added character and strength to his face, neither of which took away from his beauty. He seemed much bigger, too, having lost the lankiness of youth, to be replaced by the strength that comes with age. She tilted her head slightly and walked closer to him, to see him up close.
To look at the wariness and the weariness in those green-gold eyes. To let her eyes outline the jaw that seemed wider and stronger. To see the lines of laughter and tears around his eyes and mouth. To take in the fact that his hair had grown darker with age, a light brown instead of his dark blond.
"What are you doing?" he asked, his eyes narrowing warily.
Memorizing you, she thought sadly. But she smiled at him instead and shrugged lightly. "Checking you out," she joked.
But his eyes didn't sparkle with its usual amusement. In fact, the light seemed to die in their hazel depths. "That's not funny, Max," he said coldly, the edges of his lips drawn tight, exposing small dimples on each side.
Her smiled died on her lips. She looked down at her hands, instead. How could she have been so stupid as to say something like that? Flirtatious banter was no longer a part of who they were. It was no longer a part of where she had drawn the lines between them when she had adamantly told him that she couldn't accept his love.
To do this now, was nothing short of cruel.
And yet, it had felt like the most natural thing in the world.
She shook her head slowly, her eyes still on her hands, clutched together in discomfort. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She slowly raised her eyes up to meet his again, and was struck by a sudden realization.
How could she have been so blind all these years? He was a different man. There was no longer a trace of Ben in his face.
Ben would always be twenty, young, wild, feral and beautiful.
Alec had long since outgrown Ben. They were no longer identical. She felt a slow smile tease its way onto her face, lighting up her eyes. She noticed the apprehensive look on his face, the way he pressed his lips together to accentuate those dimples.
Funny, but she never remembered Ben having those dimples. She grinned even wider, her whole body suddenly feeling lighter.
"What?" he asked abruptly, his eyes scanning her face, trying to read her. But she knew that there was nothing on her face that he would understand, simply because she had never felt this way before.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time," she admitted softly.
He snorted and shrugged lightly. "Well, I've been here everyday for six years," he said. "And I saw you every single one of those days."
"Alec, don't—"
"Don't what?" he cut her off. "Don't love you? Yeah, I got that the first time you told me."
"That's not what I meant," she whispered achingly, her heart suddenly beating just a little bit faster. It was suddenly really painful standing here in front of him, his green eyes staring deeply into hers, completely masked yet still intense. She was suddenly filled with the fear that…she was too late. That she had realized too late who exactly Alec was. "I'm sorry." She said abruptly.
"What for?" he asked blandly.
"I…" she paused, licking her lips and looking away from him. "I don't know. I just feel sorry." She answered truthfully, her gaze locking with his again.
The lightness and freedom that had encompassed her just a few heartbeats ago was gone. Replaced by a feeling that was threatening to steal the air from her lungs, to push tears into falling down her face, to make her feel like dead weights were tied to her legs, anchoring her to the ground.
She saw him clench his jaw so tightly that a vein protruded on the side of his neck. She watched, riveted, as it beat to the rhythm of his heart. "You feel sorry for me," he sighed, finally. It wasn't a question, but a statement. And out with it came a sense of bone-deep weariness.
She opened her mouth to say something, but he raised his hand to silence her. "I get it, Max, okay. I get it."
She shook her head. "I don't feel sorry for you. Look, I just..." she couldn't find the words to express just how she felt. She looked at him helplessly and shook her head, her eyes begging him to understand. But of course, she knew that it was a tall order. She didn't even understand it herself.
There was a long pause, but finally he massaged the back of his neck and sighed, "I just stopped by to see if you were okay. I gotta go now."
"It's four in the morning, and you came to see me!" she burst out. "It has to mean something…" she trailed off weakly.
"You don't sleep, Max." he sighed heavily as if that were the only explanation for dropping in unexpectedly at such an unconventional hour.
"Well, neither have you," she whispered, seeing the tiredness in his eyes. She gently reached up and touched his jaw. He flinched as if she had slapped him instead.
"Max, what do you think you're doing?" he asked warily, stepping away from her so she could no longer touch him.
"I want to tell you the truth," she whispered.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Alec walked into the open door of Max's bedroom. He had avoided her for almost three weeks, only catching glimpses of her as she went through physical therapy to regain the use of her muscles. He had wanted to be there for her, to catch her every time she fell.
But of course, he had stayed away.
"Some guy with Ben's face?" she whispered against the window.
Alec's breath caught in the back of his throat. Ben. It was still Ben. Maybe he shouldn't have come at all. Maybe…but she had already seen his reflection on the glass.
"I'm glad you're doing better." He said, by way of a greeting.
She was standing by the window, staring down at the street. Joshua told him that she had been doing that a lot, as if she could find answers somewhere out there. She spun around to look at him, an inscrutable expression on her face.
"Me, too." She replied, her voice soft and measured. She smiled slightly at him, and he felt his lips quirk back.
There was a lengthening silence, with Max just staring at him. Her deep brown eyes moved over his features carefully. He could feel the small hairs on the back of his neck rise with her close scrutiny. What was she trying to see in him?
Ben?
Alec felt the familiar stab in his heart. As hard as she tried, she would never really find Ben in him. And as much as he tried not to, he would always look like Ben. He schooled his features into a blank mask and stared at her warily, studying her back.
She looked so much better since those days in the hospital. He wanted to touch her smooth skin, to trace the features on her face, to hold her close and feel her heart beating steadfastly. He wanted to feel the warmth of her around him, to revel in the fact that she was alive.
But her face was blank. Her eyes were still tired, old. As if there were too many ghosts lurking behind and she was weary from fighting them off.
Alec recognized those ghosts. They were burdens that they carried from the war. He had his own ghosts that haunted him in his sleep, but they were not nearly as heavy as hers. She had lost everything to the war. Even before the war, she had slowly started to lose pieces of her life to serve the purposes of the Transgenics.
Many times along the way, in the last five years, Max had lost her humanity. Being a leader of almost messianic proportions required that she be capable of superhuman acts. But what was tragic was, she had never been allowed to slip back into the girl that she had been. Too many eyes watched her every move, too many people expected more from her.
She started to move closer towards him. Alec wanted to step back, away from her. It wasn't fear; it was self-preservation. Max only ever broke his heart, but he had stayed because he had believed that she had needed him throughout the war. But the war was over…he could walk away now. But instead, he held his ground as she drew closer. Old habits die hard. Walking away from Max still didn't come easily.
"What are you doing?" he asked her warily, his voice sounding a little strangled to his own ears. She was too close, and she was looking at him too intently, like she wanted to see his soul.
There was a heartbeat's pause before she smiled slightly, "Checking you out," she joked.
If it had been three weeks ago, Alec would have flirted right back. If it had been three weeks ago, Alec would have wondered if she saw something more in him than just her friend. If it had been three weeks ago, Alec might have kissed her right then and there.
But now, he just felt like she had punched straight through his chest cavity and torn his heart out. "That's not funny, Max," he heard himself say coolly and calmly, even though inside he was a riot. It was a joke all right. But the joke was on him. He was a joke for falling for her in the first place knowing that there was nothing she wanted from him.
Immediately, he saw the small smile disappear from her face. He took a small sense of satisfaction in hurting her. It was cruel, he knew, to be glad of such a thing. But he had been reduced to something as petty as that.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her hands, wringing them in discomfort. A part of him still wanted to say that it was okay. To forgive her because she hadn't really known. It wasn't like she had planned to make him love her. It wasn't like he had planned to fall for her either.
But it had happened…and here they were.
Max raised her eyes to his, and Alec was struck by the way her lids widened, and her pupils dilated. She looked like she was seeing something that thoroughly but pleasantly shocked her. He resisted the urge to look over his shoulder, because her eyes were glued to him. He didn't understand what those eyes were saying, what that smile meant. She had never looked at him like that before.
He was suddenly concerned that maybe she had regressed. He was suddenly afraid that she was smiling like that again because he reminded her of Ben.
"What?" he asked her abruptly, sharply, unable to mask the edge of pain from his voice.
"I feel like I haven't really seen you for a long, long time." She admitted, her voice soft and husky to his ears. He also heard a small note of sadness.
That was the last thing he had expected Max to say. He snorted and shrugged lightly. "Well, I've been here everyday for six years," he said. "And I saw you every single one of those days." And by God, he did. He had watched her grow stronger, but had still let her lean into his own strength. He had watched her lose friends and family, but had still stayed next to her to remind her that he was still around. He had watched her die, and had desperately pulled her back. And now, he could only watch as she pushed him away, so he could no longer see her.
"Alec, don't—" she started to say. Maybe he had let some of his own despair slip into his voice.
Bitterness and weariness merged so that he cut her off. "Don't what? Don't love you? Yeah, I got that the first time you told me." His voice was taut with containing his pain. He could still remember walking out of that room, hearing her voice, Don't love me, Alec. You can't.
It hadn't even been a rejection. It was outright denial. She hadn't even wanted him in the same room anymore. She hadn't even wanted to see his face. In that moment, he felt the resurfacing heat of the old anger that he shared his brother's face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
He could hear that she was sorry in the way her voice trembled. "What for?" he asked blandly, refusing to allow emotion to bleed into his voice. He didn't really want to hear an answer. He was just going through the motions.
"I…" she paused, licking her lips and looking away from him. "I don't know. I just feel sorry."
Alec clenched his jaw so tightly that it hurt to near-shattering. "You feel sorry for me," he sighed painfully. There it was. The whole story. He had always wondered why Max had kept him around in her life.
She felt sorry for him. She pitied him. He wanted nothing more than to run, to ease the choking feeling in his chest. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but he raised his hand to silence her. "I get it, Max, okay. I get it."
She shook her head. "I don't feel sorry for you. Look, I just..." she trailed off in frustration. Alec waited for her to finish her statement. For an excuse, anything, to explain that she didn't feel sorry for him. But none were forthcoming. There was nothing more left to say, apparently.
He sighed and massaged the back of his neck to ease the tension there. "I just stopped by to see if you were okay. I gotta go now." Walking away may not be easy, but it could still be done.
Her lips quirked and he paused, unable to leave, still wanting to see her smile. "It's four in the morning, and you came to see me!" she yelled abruptly. "It has to mean something…"
Of course, it meant something. Who else would his sleepless nights demand to see? Who else would he search for in the dead of night for some semblance of feeling at home? "You don't sleep, Max," he replied with a resigned sigh, pointing out the most innocuous reason for seeking her out.
She was so close to him that he could smell her. She smelled like cherry lip balm and oranges. "Neither have you," she whispered, as she laid a hand gently on his face.
Alec flinched. He couldn't help it. Her touch was now something that he couldn't bear because he knew that it would only reinforce feelings that he had to get rid of. He knew that she was only seeing someone that she felt pity for. "What do you think you're doing, Max?" he demanded.
"I want to tell you the truth," she whispered.
He reared from her and shook his head. The truth about what?
"I want to tell you about Ben," she started.
Immediately, Alec felt himself emotionally shut down at the sound of his twin's name. He felt his shields come up, his face go blank, and his eyes go unseeing. But Max took his face in between her palms and forced him to look at her. Into her pleading eyes.
"I want to tell you about me. About Ben and me…"
He opened his mouth to say something flippant, to stop her from saying anything that would send him to his knees. But she put a hand over his mouth. He groaned inwardly because he just wanted to kiss her palm. But before he could even formulate another thought, the rest of her statement sent him reeling.
"…and then…when I'm done…I want to know if you still love me," she whispered. "Because I love you so much, but you deserve to know the truth first."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
