Alexis sat in Senator Seraph's living room, sipping a hot glass of tea. Kalen was, predictably, playing with the baby, and Carth and the senator were discussing the Sojourn and her husband and all sorts of things to do with being in the Republic's Navy. In short, Alexis was bored out of her mind.
Not once had they talked strategy for the upcoming meeting with the Senate or even mentioned the fact that they were leaving tomorrow. They talked about ships, they talked about the baby, and they talked about how lovely dinner had been. It was getting late, and Alexis was nervous, and her tea had enough caffeine in it to raise the dead. Not that she didn't like it that way, just that she was about to start twitching violently and possibly frothing at the mouth. Maybe they'd think she was ill and put her out of her misery.
Alexis shifted slightly. She was sitting on the sofa with her legs curled under her and she hadn't moved in more than twenty minutes. Things were starting to cramp. Badly. Or maybe she was going stir crazy. Alexis stood up quickly, only just managing not to slosh tea all down her front. She wasn't prone to hyperactivity, but things were getting out of hand. How was everyone else so calm?
Carth and Roshana Seraph stopped talking long enough to look up at her. Radek, startled by her sudden movement, began to cry, and Alexis could feel Kalen gently using the Force to quiet him. Alexis casually saluted the pair that was still staring at her. "Ah- Sorry about that. Leg cramp."
Feeling foolish, she took her glass of tea and made her way into the senator's kitchen. Her apartment was huge; at least four times the size of Carth's, and she had way too many things… everywhere. Alexis felt claustrophobic just looking around.
Alexis downed her tea in one gulp and almost scorched her throat. She washed the glass out in the sink and searched around for a moment, trying to decide just where it went. Eventually she was forced to give up and leave it on the counter.
Alexis tried to calm down but the caffeine had an iron grip on her system. She needed to meditate or something. Possibly drag Carth out in the hall, tell him that she loved him, and run away. No, not run away. Walk away. Calmly. Running away was too reminiscent of what she actually did do when she was worried about responsibility. Was walking away calmly the same thing?
Alexis sat down at the table and pressed her fingers to her forehead. Stark-raving mad, that's what she was. Nothing had ruined her evening yet and she was already crazy. Alexis pulled her hand away from her face and watched it tremble. Was that the tea, or fear? She didn't know anymore, and emotional cripple that she was, she probably never would.
Alexis sighed and put her hand back on her forehead. At least while it was there, she couldn't see it shaking. Never again would she drink anything caffeinated. Just in case. You couldn't be too careful.
Was reciting the Jedi code to calm your nerves before confessing your feelings for someone a faux-paus? Possibly an oxymoron? Phfft. The only type of moron around was her type: the nervous, twitchy, lovesick sort.
Kalen slid into the kitchen and Alexis sat up straight and dropped her hands to her knees. There wasn't a need for anyone else to know that she was losing it. She hoped her eyes didn't betray her by developing a violent tick or something terrible like that.
"Alexis…" Kalen began, grinning at her openly.
"What?" Alexis said crossly, flattening her feet on the floor so that they would stop bouncing.
"Are you okay?"
"No," Alexis responded shortly. There went her wish to act like nothing was the matter.
"You've let this build up for too long. The anticipation is going to kill you," Kalen said, leaning back in her chair.
"Thanks. Death would be preferable at the moment."
"Oh, Lexi, chill out. You already know what's going to happen when you tell him. I don't know what you're worried about."
"I do not know! Any number of things could happen… He rejects me utterly, I faint, he tells me that he feels the same way, I faint, I start to tell him, realize what I'm doing and- I faint-," Alexis raved.
"I get the picture," Kalen said. "Now shut up."
Alexis's eyes widened and she stared at Kalen for a moment as if she had grown two heads. "It's going to work out just fine. He's been in love with you for more than four years. You'll be lucky if he doesn't suffocate you by jumping on you after you tell him."
"He suffocates me, I faint," Alexis added softly.
"It's more likely that you'll hyperventilate right now," Kalen said with a laugh. "Darth Revan, known to everyone as one of the most powerful Sith Lords of all time, faints because she's telling her first boy that she loves him."
"Don't- That's not funny."
"Recite the Jedi Code or something. Doesn't that help you?"
"Isn't that sort of… wrong? Reciting the Jedi Code to calm down enough to admit to someone that you'll die if you're apart?"
"That's a good line. I need to write that down."
"You're not helping," Alexis said, taking a deep breath.
"Hey! That's it! Keep breathing. It won't do for him to think you're on spice," Kalen told her, leaning across the table to pat her cheek.
"Don't touch me. Lunatics are vicious, you know," Alexis told her, baring her teeth.
"Oh, you're cracking jokes! You're starting to return to normal. Thank the Force! For a moment there, I thought I'd lost you."
Alexis took another deep breath. "Were you like this, or am I just pathetic?" she asked.
"Actually, Atton beat me to it. He threw me on a bed, pinned me down, and told me he loved me. I didn't really get the chance to respond for some time and-," Kalen began.
"I don't want to know," Alexis said, holding up her still-shaking hands as if to ward her off.
Kalen grinned. "I'll be glad when we get to leave. I'm looking forward to getting back to the Hawk."
"Good for you," Alexis muttered, resting her palms on the table.
"How about some tea?" Kalen offered, glancing around the kitchen.
"Are you kidding? That's part of why I'm this way in the first place!"
"They make decaf, you know."
"I don't want anything. But thank you. And thank you for talking to me. My sanity is slowly returning. I think it was all that time being alone with my thoughts. I worked myself into a frenzy."
"More like worried yourself into a frenzy," Kalen replied.
"I wish we hadn't been interrupted the first time. I was ready then," Alexis said softly, drawing a final deep, cleansing breath.
"You'll be fine," Kalen reassured her again.
"Do you think we'll get to leave soon?"
"I sure hope so. I have plans."
Alexis rolled her eyes. "I'll bet Atton does, too."
"Oh, he does. He's hovering around the edges of my mind, you know, the mental equivalent of whispering sweet nothings in my ear. He's been doing it all night. I almost started laughing during dinner."
"Is that when you choked on your water?" Alexis asked with a grin.
"Yep. Want to know what he said?"
"I'll pass, thanks."
"It was very sweet…"
"I'm sure."
"You're no fun," Kalen accused.
"That's me."
"Feel better?"
"Mostly."
"Do you want to head back into the living room?"
"He's out there," Alexis said seriously.
"Yes, he'll be there later when you admit that you're madly in love with him, too."
"It's tragic, really. Can't he just read between the lines?"
"You're really something, you know that?"
"So they tell me."
Carth looked up as Alexis and Kalen slid back into the room. Alexis was certainly behaving strangely. The senator was still talking about her husband, so he could listen with only half an ear while she talked. He knew almost everything she was telling him. It was clear that the poor woman missed her husband, the way she was talking about him. He'd been gone for almost two months now, and with a new baby, that was probably very hard. Still, it was very difficult for him to concentrate on her when all he could think about was Alexis.
They were finally going to have their evening alone, at least, as long as he could get the good senator to shut her mouth soon. Perhaps that was what was making Alexis act so oddly. What was she nervous about? Afraid he was going to jump her or something? He'd had plenty of opportunities if that were his goal…
Alexis glanced over at him, caught his eyes, and looked away, blushing. That was not her usual behavior. Kalen shrugged back at him, smiling. Carth nodded at the senator when she paused. That seemed to be the right answer because she started talking again. Carth never would have guessed that she could carry on a conversation with herself for this long.
Alexis was watching him. He could feel her piercing gaze, almost like she was willing him to get them out of there, fast. Maybe she was, at that. Carth glanced back over at the senator. Still going strong. Damn.
He refocused on her words. "… and of course, we said yes. Radek and I would love to visit him on the Sojourn as soon as the Senate is out of session."
"It's great that you two are so close," Carth said, smiling sincerely. He meant that, even if he hadn't been listening to her.
Apparently, she wasn't expecting him to say anything. She smiled back. "It's hard to stay that way when he has to be gone so much."
Out of the corner of his eye, Carth spotted Alexis yawning widely. He knew she wasn't tired. Kalen was watching over a sleeping Radek, her eyes half-closed herself. Carth glanced over at the clock. "Especially with a toddler," Carth said, trying to act as if the time meant nothing to him.
"Look at how late it is!" Roshana exclaimed, following his gaze. "I'm sure you all have other places to be."
Carth shrugged. "We can stay, if you'd like."
"Oh, no, I need to get Radek to bed. You don't mind, do you?" she asked, giving him a worried smile.
"Not at all. Alexis looks tired," he said, glancing over at her. She yawned again on cue.
"Only a little," she conceded.
"I'm so sorry to have kept you so late," the senator said, standing.
Carth followed suit. "That's okay. We don't mind."
"Your son is absolutely adorable," Kalen said, arriving beside the senator and offering her her hand. She shook it firmly.
"I'm sorry we didn't get to know one another better, Kalen. It was very nice to meet you," Roshana said.
"Oh, we'll have plenty of time to talk on the transport," Kalen responded.
"I had a lovely time," Alexis said, offering the senator her hand. They shook as well.
"It was nice to see you again," the senator replied.
"You too," Alexis said.
"It's always a pleasure, Roshana," Carth said, offering her his hand last. They shook as well. He was always amazed by how firm her handshake was for a woman.
"The same to you, Carth. I'll see you tomorrow?" she said, releasing him and leading them towards the door.
"Of course," Carth replied.
"Have a nice night!" the senator called. They all slid out the door.
"You too!" Alexis said. The senator watched as they walked quickly towards the shuttle.
Once in the bordering module, Kalen let out a relieved sigh. "Force I hate long goodbyes. She seems nice enough, but I thought we weren't ever going to get out of there."
"She's lonely," Alexis said.
"Well I'm not," Kalen responded, grinning. Carth chuckled. Clearly Kalen was deliriously happy.
"Yeah, you and Atton won't ever have that particular problem. Now that he's got you, he isn't going to let you out of his sight," Alexis replied.
"Possessive, isn't he?" Kalen asked.
Alexis shrugged. "Whatever works for you, dear."
As the far end of the module, Kalen pointed towards the shuttle beside the one that they need to take. "That's my ride. You all have a nice night," she said, winking at Alexis. Alexis smiled at her.
Carth looked back and forth between them for a moment, trying to figure out just what was going on. They must have talked about something fascinating while they were in his cousin's kitchen. He wasn't sure that he wanted to know what, exactly. Especially not if it involved Atton.
Alexis turned and looked at him. "Erm- Let's head on over to the apartment…"
Something was definitely up. He couldn't decide whether or not things were looking good for him. The hint of fear in her eyes suggested that they weren't, but he couldn't be certain. Her smile had faded and she looked altogether a bit too anxious for his liking. "Everything okay?" he asked, taking her hand and squeezing it gently.
She watched their hands for a moment as they stepped off of the shuttle. "I think it will be soon," she said quietly, and Carth glanced over into her eyes. She smiled softly and his heart leapt. Maybe it would after all.
Inside the apartment, Alexis sat down and tugged off her boots and socks while Carth stood nearby, watching her every move. It was a bit disconcerting, to be looked at like that. She wasn't sure what to make of him.
Her fear had ebbed and she was now remarkably calm. She was going to tell him that she loved him, and everything was going to be all right. The real problem was how she would lead into it. Did she just blurt it out, while he was standing there looking at her? That probably wasn't very romantic. She owed him at least that, since it had taken her four years to finally spit it out. Oh, she'd said it the first time, and meant it, but she'd been feeling rather fatalistic at the time. She had been on her way to meet Malak, after all. It had sounded as if she were just agreeing with him because she was about to die. People did strange things when confronted with their own mortality.
Alexis unhooked her belt and slipped it into one of her boots before neatly folding her legs beneath her. Carth was still watching her quietly and Alexis felts some of her nervous energy return to her. What if she just walked over and kissed him? Would that properly convey her feelings? No, that wasn't a good idea. She wasn't very experienced at it. She was probably a bad kisser.
Oh good, something else to worry about. She'd only been kissed five times in her life: twice by Malak when she was young, once by a spacer in a cantina on the Outer Rim, and twice by Carth. Being able to count all of the kisses you'd had in your lifetime on one hand was rather pathetic, wasn't it?
Malak had kissed her once before they had parted during the Wars and once on the Star Forge. The first time had been for good luck and the second was in desperation. It was funny that she could remember those when so many other details about her life escaped her.
The spacer had been a strange encounter. She'd been depressed and was heading for the Unknown Regions where, once again, she thought she was going to die. She had still been thinking of Carth and hadn't resisted when the drunken young man had kissed her. She'd immediately felt guilty and fled the planet. Hhmm: another instance of running away from her feelings.
The kisses she'd shared with Carth had been soul searing. The first time had been right after she'd killed Malak. He'd been so surprised to see her alive that he had caught her up in his arms and kissed her for all that he was worth and she'd been so surprised to be alive that she'd let him. The second time had been when she'd told him that she was leaving for the Unknown Regions. That time he had kissed her and she hadn't responded. She'd pulled back and left immediately. In fact, she wasn't sure that she'd even said goodbye.
So how was she going to do this? How could she right all of the wrongs she'd dealt this wonderful man in all the time that they had known one another? Alexis glanced over at him. He raised his eyebrows and waited. He obviously wasn't going to make this easy for her. Not that she deserved it. Not after the way she had treated him.
"We're alone," Alexis said finally, glancing around the apartment.
Carth nodded. "We've been alone before," he said. He still clearly didn't believe that she was ready to do it.
"Not lately," Alexis muttered darkly, thinking of Seré. She drifted back into silence. This shouldn't be so difficult. Alexis thought for a moment. "Do you remember the Duel Ring on Taris?"
Carth furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah, what about it?"
Alexis smiled slightly. "I was just a pathetic little scoundrel with two vibroblades and an attitude problem."
"I remember the attitude," Carth replied.
"Thanks," Alexis replied dryly. "Do you remember any of the fights?"
"Only faintly. I remember they called you the 'Mysterious Stranger'," he said, using the proper inflection on the name so that he sounded just like the announcer had.
"Those first two fights were so easy-," Alexis began.
"Yeah. You thought you could walk on water, never mind the fact that they called one of them 'Dead-Eye' and the other one had blown off half of his hand," Carth said with a chuckle.
"How was I to know that they were pushovers?" Alexis exclaimed.
"It was obvious to me," Carth replied, smiling at her.
"Oh, come on! I was only a cute little rogue. I thought that I had smuggled illegal goods for a living. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know anything about the Force."
"Well, you did, the Jedi Council had just conveniently helped you to forget," Carth responded seriously.
"I didn't bring it up to talk about the Jedi Council again," Alexis said, shaking her head. "I wanted to talk about that third fight. Do you remember that one?"
"Not really," Carth replied, walking over and sitting in the chair opposite her. He wouldn't even sit by her, hmm? He was going to be very difficult indeed.
"Her name was Ice."
"Oh yeah. She kicked your ass."
"She did not! I won that fight."
"Yeah, and I carried you out of the arena more than half dead."
Alexis smiled at him. "I know. Do you know how many times you've had to take care of me after I nearly killed myself in a fight?"
Carth's eyes narrowed. "What's your point?"
"There was that time on Korriban. I'd just killed Uthar and Yuthura and I sort of staggered back to the Hawk. I remember you had to drag me back to my bunk."
"You'd just saved my son."
"When I woke up, you were right there. I can still see you face, if I think back. That was right before the Leviathan captured us," Alexis said softly. "You did it after I fought Malak, too. I collapsed right after I got back to you guys. I didn't wake up for a few days." She wondered if he could see where she was going with this.
"He almost beat you," Carth said quietly.
"Jolee told me you hovered over me the entire time, trying to make sure I stayed alive, even after they had healed me."
"I still don't see where you're going with this," Carth replied. He was the one who looked anxious now. Alexis was heartened. This was becoming easier and easier.
"You're always there when I need you, Onasi."
Carth cleared his throat. "That's what friends are for."
"You're not my friend," Alexis said calmly, unfolding her legs and leaning towards him, but staying in her seat. She propped her chin in her hand and waited for his answer.
"I'm not?"
"No."
"May I ask why not?"
"Because I don't love my friends the way that I love you."
"Could you- repeat that…?" Carth said in a strangled tone.
"Yeah. I love you, Carth Onasi, and I have since I woke up on Taris and saw those suspicious brown eyes glaring down at me for that first time."
"That's not a very nice way to put it," Carth said, remaining in his seat.
Alexis was startled. He wasn't even going to come over to her? Why hadn't he said it back? "You're the reason I came back," Alexis said uncertainly, meeting his eyes. They were just as nervous as they had been before. What was the problem here? Alexis rose and stood beside the chair, fighting the overwhelming urge to run away. He was just… looking at her. "I love you," she whispered, biting her lip.
She watched in slow motion as he stood up and stepped to her side. He didn't touch her, although he did raise his hand as if to press it to her cheek and lower it almost immediately. Alexis felt the sting of tears. Had she been wrong, all of this time? Did he not love her after all?
"Force, Lexi, don't cry," he whispered, finally folding her in his arms. She was trembling again. "I love you, too, beautiful," he said against her hair.
Alexis leaned back to look up at him again. He still looked worried. She reached up and gently touched his face. "Carth?" Alexis said tentatively. Why didn't he kiss her?
"I- I don't want to scare you," he admitted, putting his hand over hers.
Alexis smiled faintly. He was afraid of frightening her. Force… she'd thought for a moment that he didn't want her. "I'm not afraid," Alexis replied.
Carth leaned down and hesitantly brushed his lips against hers. The pressure was so light that Alexis thought for a moment that she was imagining it. They stayed that way, for a moment, their lips pressed together and their bodies apart. Unable to resist, Alexis carefully slid her body against his. Carth pulled back, startled, and Alexis slid her fingers into his hair and gently tugged his lips back to her own.
He was reluctant, at first, but after a moment of indecision, he deepened the kiss. Alexis responded with all the passion she dared, holding herself in check for fear of embarrassing herself. Carth's gentle ministrations tore down her inhibitions, however, and he prolonged the kiss until she was breathless. When they broke apart, the joy and love in his eyes nearly overwhelmed her.
Alexis attempted to catch her breath, her face only inches from his. His lips descended upon her neck, raining small bites and kisses down on her tender flesh. Excited and a little bit afraid, Alexis gasped and tilted her head aside to allow him easier access. She could feel his warm fingers massaging her waist and she slid her arms around to trail down his back.
It seemed to take all of his self-control to tear himself away. He looked into her eyes and started to set her away from him. "We shouldn't… I can't…" he began.
Alexis leaned forward and pressed her fingers to his lips to silence him. "I have been waiting twenty-nine years for you, Carth. That's long enough."
He shook his head. "It's been so long… What if I hurt you?"
"You're not going to hurt me," Alexis whispered back, sliding back into his arms. He didn't resist when she kissed him again. His hands caressed her body haltingly. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She slid her hands beneath his shirt and rubbed her fingers over his taut muscles. She could hardly think.
Carth responded by stepping away from her long enough to toss the shirt away. She looked up into his eyes for a moment, smiling slightly, and hesitantly pressed her lips to his chest. He moaned softly and lifted her chin to kiss her again.
Alexis pulled away quite suddenly. Carth looked at her, wide-eyed, and Alexis pointed towards the door. "You won't believe this. Someone's at the door."
Carth snarled a rather foul curse and grabbed his shirt off of the ground. He tugged it on quickly and thrust open the door. Dustil Onasi stood just outside, looking as if he were about to knock.
"Ah… Mira kicked me out," Dustil said, glancing apprehensively at his father's frustrated expression.
"Can't you keep a girlfriend for more than a week?" Carth growled as Dustil slid into the apartment. In the background, Alexis collapsed into helpless laughter.
