Authors Note:
Hello Everyone. For all my returning readers welcome back to Phlox or should I say A Handful of Flowers. To all the new readers, thank you for taking a chance on this story. I know I said this chapter probably wouldn't be out till mid-December but I worked through my break at work and when I got home so I finished it in no time. I would love some feedback on this updated version, I know not much has changed but I definitely like the small changes I made even if they aren't entirely noticeable. Anyway follow for the next edited chapter. I'm hoping to have that one out soon.
Chapter One: Carnations
My views on love have always been skewed, figuring it was a thing that was never permanent, never stable and entirely fickle. It wasn't my fault really; it was more so my parents that had tainted my views. My parents both screwed me when it came to love. I was the reason my parents got married, sure they had thought they were in love that they couldn't live without each other yet they didn't choose to get married so quickly. When my grandparents found out that my dad had gotten Renee pregnant. a shotgun wedding was in-order. They were so young when they got married, still in that honeymoon phase and never really considering if they were right for each other. Yet, six months later, in the spring of 1984, I was born and named Liliana Alexa Swan. From what I remember, my parents were happy or at least didn't argue as much those first few years, and then my baby sister came in the fall three years after I was born. It wasn't long after Isabella was born, that the fighting truly started. It was mainly Renée doing the screaming and starting the arguments, usually over the fact that dad was never home that she couldn't stand being suffocated in our small town. Dad just always reminded her he had to work so many shifts for us to live and well he never really had a good response on how to deal with her resentment of living in Forks. But he always just let her go on a rampage, let her sling nasty accusations and insults.
But one night, after one particularly nasty fight, dad stood up for himself and that very same night Reneé left. She grabbed Isabella and most of her stuff and simply left. She never woke me to say goodbye, to say she loved me, and the one thing that killed me, she never even tried to take me with her.
I woke up the next morning expecting to see Renée. Dad was often gone by the time I needed to get up and Reneé would wake me after getting Isabella up, waking me with small kisses and soft words but it was my dad waking me up with bloodshot eyes. He calmly explained that Renée had left with Isabella and that they're not coming back. Dad just held me as I screamed and cried. Looking back my dad was so firm in that moment even though he was just as upset and probably wanted to scream and cry with me. But he knew that I needed someone to be the strong one. I was only a child, a child who couldn't understand or accept the feeling of a loss such as that. Now he needed to be both dad and mom. I had never seen my dad so broken but I could only focus on my pain in that moment.
As I grew older, my pain turned to resentment. I hated her, hated her so deeply and completely. I told myself that since she didn't need me, I didn't need her. But I was still hurting even years later. I told myself that I was fine; yet, every year on the anniversary of that night I would stay up hoping that she would come home, tell me she loved me, and that she wanted to fix everything. She never did.
Seven years later on my twelfth birthday, Renée finally made contact with dad to arrange a way that she can see me and that dad could see Isabella. Without my knowledge they came up with a plan that they would swap children for a month in the summer. When dad explained this plan to me and I exploded, throwing the biggest fit of my life. I didn't want to see someone who abandoned me, and up to that point didn't even try to contact me or even showed she remembered she had another daughter. But this was something that dad put his foot down on, telling me that she was my mother and she deserved a second chance. But in my mind she didn't deserved anything from me.
The night after our fight while I was lying in bed, I came to realize that dad had missed Isabella and still mourned their lost relationship. I knew that it wasn't fair of me to deny him that. Come morning before dad left for work, and I went to school, and we were sitting together eating at the breakfast table I spoke up
"I'm still not happy, I'll never be happy with the idea I have to see that woman. But for you, dad, I will give it a chance."
My dad smiled a broken smile and said, "Thank you, Lily Pad, it is a relief to know you'll at least try."
"Don't call me Lily Pad dad; I'm not five anymore," I replied whining.
Summer came around quicker than I wanted. As dad and I waited for my plane to be called, he commented on my sullen face
"Come on Lily Pad, it'll be fun" he tried to coax me into believing his lie.
"I know, dad. It's just I don't even know what to say to her, and it's a whole month away from my friends, from you. Leah and I had plans of spending all the nice days down at La Push." I replied, and I was upset that I couldn't spend the time I had during this summer with the friend I had known my entire life, Leah Clearwater. She and I had been joined at the hip since we were always born, one in the same. She was my sister, no matter if we weren't joined by blood.
"FLIGHT 108 JET BLUE TO PHX NOW BOARDING," the loudspeaker above us announced.
"Well, Lily Pad I'll see you in a month, be good for your mom, don't call her Renée she's your mom so call her mom, and if you ever need me I'm just a phone call away, I love you kid," Dad said in his deep gruff voice as he hugged me closer than ever. I took a deep breath, taking in the feeling of his love and warmth.
"I love you too, dad, I'll see you in August." I quickly grabbed my suitcase and carry-on and rushed to the gate. Each step away getting harder and harder.
"You're the unattended minor correct?" the gate attendant asked as I walked up to the counter.
"Yes ma'am, I am" I instantly replied with a shaky voice. I had never been on an airplane and to do it alone had me scared out of my mind. My throat closing up as the understanding that I would be away from home for the first time in my life washed over me. But I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry.
"Good you're on time, here is your wrist band you must keep this on the entire flight. Now your seat is on the end aisle so that the flight attendants can keep an eye on you, and if you are ever uncomfortable or worried about than anything, you hit the call button, and they will immediately come to check on you." She said this speech as she had probably done multiple times a day, and the fact that the flight attendants keep an eye on me immediately had a calming effect on me.
"Thank you, ma'am," I said my voice still shaking, and the women could immediately see I had fear over this whole experience.
After checking my ticket for a second time, she said: "You're in safe hands. Now you better hurry."
I quickly took my seat after asking the man who would be sitting next to me to put my luggage in the overhead bin. I sat down and immediately took out my sketch pad and began to sketch the tarmac and let my mind wander.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, and I just want to welcome you to flight 108 from Seattle, Washington to Phoenix, Arizona. This flight will be approximately two hours and fifty minutes, so we should be arriving at three-fifty central time."
I continued to sketch but pausing to watch and listen to the safety instructions. Suddenly the plane took off getting higher and higher. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the plane ascended into the air; my hands became jittery, my heartbeat racing, and my breathing quicking. I pause my sketch as not only did my surrounding change but also I was in no shape to sketch. A hand suddenly touched my shoulder and made me look up. An African American male dressed in a flight attendant uniform smiled down at me.
"It'll be just fine; don't worry, just focus on your breathing. We'll be stabilized soon, and it'll be alright. Something that calm me is looking out the window and taking in the sight of being in the air." He said in a calm, soothing voice.
"Thank you," I said in a quiet voice.
"You're welcome, and again, if you need anything, feel free to press the button. Someone will come and check on you again in a couple of minutes. We'll also come buy with sodas and peanuts that'll help with the nerves." He squeezed my shoulder and went to the front of the plane to help the other flight attendants.
A took a few calming breathes, and decided the best way to stay calm was to draw. As I looked at the window across the row of seats and couldn't help the heart clench that happened as I realized I was getting further and further away from the safety of my dad, my rock. But then as we got higher and higher I took the flight attentions advice and suddenly understood what he was talking about. I was memorized by the stunning visual of the sun and clouds. Even during the sunniest days in Forks, the sun was still never this bright and the clouds never this white. The rest of the flight went smoothly with the flight attendants continually checking on me and me, while I was keeping myself busy by sketching the heavenly sights around me. I was just about finished when over the loudspeaker came the pilot's voice.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now starting our descent to Phoenix Sky Harbor. It is currently three-fifty central time. I want to thank you all for choosing JetBlue and I hope you have a great rest of your day."
I took few more deep breaths as the plane descended back down to the ground. Putting away my sketch pad, I quickly looked over what I had drawn. I was pretty happy about the way my sketched had turned out while slightly being disappointed, not being able to finish it. Since I was at the back of the plane, I had to wait for everyone else to disembark. When I was my turn to exit, I once again asked the man who was sitting beside me to get my luggage down. As I headed to the walkway, I turned around and thanked the flight attendants for taking care of me and making my first flying experience bearable.
As I walked to the meeting point that my parents had arranged, I felt a knot in my stomach grow and grow. Would she look different? Would she try and playoff what she did? What would I say to her? What would she say back? Could I actually make it through the month simply playing nice? All these questions spun in my head and trying to figure out the different scenarios that would be possible when suddenly a voice screamed out.
"LILIANA!"
I quickly whipped my head in the direction of the voice, calling my name. She was there looking the same as she had so many years ago. I felt tears welling up my eyes at the sight of her. Her light brown hair falling to her shoulders and her round face that was full of childish glee and lines that indicated years of laughter. I forced them back down I didn't want to be crying like I was sad. I thought I had pushed down all the feelings I felt for her.
"Liliana, you're here, oh my beautiful baby," she exclaimed while wrapping me in a tight hug, She even had the same scent of jasmine from her favorite perfume. I felt the tears welling up again
I awkwardly returned her hug, I quickly rush out, "Hi mom, it's good to see you."
"Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here. We're going to have so much fun together so much fun that I'll doubt you're ever want to leave" Renée started to laugh as she grabbed my luggage "well this way, honey."
"I seriously doubt it," I whispered under my breath, "So did Isabella do alright."
"She likes to go by Bella now and yes she was a little nervous and honestly so was I but after getting confirmation that she would be looked after by the flight attendants, I felt more sure about the plan. Besides, she'll have your dad." She talked like the world was ending tomorrow, quickly rushing out her words but the tone of love when she talked about Isabella made my heart hurt as I wondered if she ever talked about me like that.
"When did she start going by Bella?" I asked wonderingly, I mean it made sense most people don't call me Liliana anymore, people around town just called me Lily. Or in dad's case Lily Pad, a nickname he had called me since I was five. The fact that dad hadn't told her that distinction made me smile internally, he knew that I wouldn't be ready for her to call me anything other than my real name and I sure wasn't going to tell Renée that she could. She hadn't earned that right.
"She decided on her fourth birthday that she wanted to go by Bella."
"Oh, that's great. I'll be sure to remember that," that was if I ever get to see her, I wanted to add that smart little comment, but out of respect and the fact that I promised dad I would behave, I didn't. "So what have you been up to"
She quickly started rambling on about how she's recently gotten really into yoga and that she works in a little shop that sells healing crystals. I kept giving appropriate responses at the correct intervals to feign interest. But I was mainly focused at the landscape out the window. It was so different from what Forks was, but it was no less beautiful. I found myself falling asleep, looking at the desert and cactuses. It was about an hour later that I woke up feeling the car come to a stop.
"Well, this is home," my mom announced, opening the car door.
I look out to a modest Spanish style house with soft white stucco and the traditional brick roof with two cactus in front. It was again another thing that was so different from what I was used to in Forks. From the heat to the very little greenery, even the houses were built different than those back home. Everything was so strange to me; it was jarring, and I didn't know if it was ever going to become normal.
"Well, follow me in Lilliana. You'll be staying in Bella's room; it's the only one besides mine," she said as she went to unlock the door, and I followed silently behind with my luggage in tow.
I looked around as I stepped inside the house. It was full of things that were undoubtedly Renée, somewhat clashing, and mostly bright colors. There were also a lot of things that I could only refer to as hippy, which made sense because from what I could remember, she had never quite grew out of the seventies. I continued to follow her down a long hallway, passing both her room as she announced and Bella's bathroom. She proceeded to ramble on about how each color that she painted had some specific meaning or something of that nature, I really wasn't that interested, and I just felt so tired and gross from being in the plane.
Suddenly her voice knocked me out of my tired haze, "and this is Bella's room or your room when you're here," she said with a smile.
I replied with a quiet voice, "Thanks, Mom, umm, do you mind if I use your phone to call dad? I just wanted to make sure dad knows that I got here safe."
"Sure, honey, I'm sure that Charlie and Bella are still on the road, or she would have called me by now, but feel free to leave him a message. You are welcome to use the phone to call him whenever you want while you're here, let me show you where it is," she said while walking towards the kitchen. I felt like a dog due to the amount of following that I had been doing all day but sighed and remembered it would be more comfortable in the coming days or so I hoped.
"Thanks so much," I replied with a yawn, "I think I'll have a nap after I call. I'm pretty tired, we had to be in Seattle early, so we had to leave Forks even earlier."
"That's perfectly fine and it's still too early for dinner I figured we'd eat around seven-thirty. I figured we'd go and eat out, I'm not the greatest cook and there's a great little Mexican restaurant just down the street."
Flashbacks of the food she would make, mostly god awful inventions, had me gritting my teeth. It reminded me why I had to grow up so quickly, taking on responsibilities that I shouldn't have had to.
"Sounds good." I watched as she headed back to her room to take a shower before dinner and then watch tv while I took a nap. I reached for the phone punching in the numbers to the house, knowing that I would be leaving a message not talking to my dad even though I would do anything to hear his voice.
"Hey dad, it's Lily. I just wanted to tell you I made it to mom's house. The flight went okay; nothing weird happened, all the flight attendants were very nice. I miss you, I miss home. I'm still unsure about this, but for you, I'd do anything. Anyway, I'll call you later tonight I'm going to take a nap, and later we're going out for dinner. I love you so much, dad. Talk to you later. Bye."
I hung up the phone and headed back down the hallway to Bella's bedroom. I hadn't taken stock of what was in it when we went to drop my stuff off, but now I was taking it all in entirely. There were a ton of books, some in the bookcase which was full and some stacked on the floor; they ranged from children's books to novels. Some of them I immediately recognized as classics and others were not so recognizable. It was an insight into her world that calmed me and made me smile.
It would have been easy for us to know each other if we had grown up together, but as we grew up worlds apart, it was nice to know we both shared at least one thing in common. Although while I had a deep love of reading, it was not as deep as Bella's apparently. I took note of the color of the walls that were light green with accents of whites. Her bedding was a darker green that made me feel more at home being surrounded by the green, but knowing it would be another 30 days before I can return to the lush green forests that I love, to the rainy weather that soothed me like nothing else, to the place that was my sanctuary.
Suddenly I felt the rush of exhaustion wash over me, and I quickly got in the bed. I felt myself drifting off to sleep the moment I hit the pillows.
My dreams during that nap were strange. I dreamt of that I was in the forest by the beach, I could hear the sounds of the waves breaking against the shore. Standing before me was a woman with blood-red eyes and fiery red locks with a vindictive and cruel smile on her face. Her face though beautiful held nothing but the promise of pain. I tried to run, as she began to stalk closer, but it was no use; it was as if my feet were glued to the ground. I tried to scream, but again it was also useless; my lips were sewn shut. She got closer and closer till she was standing a foot from me, her hand reaching out for me and the emotions behind her eyes becoming bloodthirsty. Then out of nowhere, there was a giant black wolf stalking closer to us. It was both quick on its feet and quiet. The women then turned are started to run away with lighting speed, and the wolf bolted right after her. I was suddenly pushed out of my dreams but a feeling of being shaken. I screamed at I sat straight up not knowing if it was because I was being touched or the bizarre dream, but I suddenly heard a voice call out.
"It's alright honey it's alright you just had a bad dream. I heard you whimpering from my room." I heard my mother's light, airy voice.
I replied with a voice that was full of sleep. "I'm alright."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No, I can't even remember what I was dreaming about," I lie and politely added "Thank you for asking though."
"It's no problem, plus It's six-thirty. I thought that you would like to shower and change for dinner."
The notion of a shower sounded terrific. "I would love a shower." I said with a sigh of relief. I just needed to clear my head from this dream and a shower would help. I slowly got out of the bed while Renée was moving towards the door while stating.
"Feel free to use Bella's bath products as I know you weren't allowed to pack very much when it comes to shower things, and before she left, she said it was alright." Again she with that rushed quality.
"Thanks again, Re – Mom" I quickly realized that I was about to call her Renée, but noticing the slip, I immediately stopped that sentence. She continued towards the door not noticing the slip of tongue or if she had noticed she said nothing.
I unzipped my suitcase and rustled around to find an outfit that I deemed good enough for me to be seen out in. Dad had always joked that I was his little fashionista, which I would just laugh as I said it's easy to be one in our tiny town. After a minute of looking through everything that was specifically bought for this trip, my regular clothes being too warm for Arizona, I found the perfect outfit.
I shuffled towards the shower and noticed it was a bit small. Smaller than the one back home but to be fair that one was built for multiple people to use. I turned on the shower and undressed as I waited for it to warm up to the burning hot temperature that I preferred. While I adored the cold weather that overtook Forks most the time, I had always loved the feeling of heat being rushed over me.
It didn't take long for the shower to warm up, as I stepped in I was immediately soothed as the hot water ran over me.
I got lost in thought rapidly. My dream had scared me, I didn't know why I was dreaming things like that. It seemed like it was out of nowhere, nothing about the dream made sense. But as I scrubbed my scalp my mind wandered somewhere else and it decided that this would be the perfect time to think over the situation I was in.
Questions from my heart began to pop off and my brain responded at such a fast interval that I could barely keep up with my thought process. Did Reneé even feel bad about abandoning me? No, it's obvious she doesn't just look at the way she is acting. Would she ever apologize? Probably not, she's had 9 years to apologize but she didn't. Why didn't she take me? Because she never loved you, she saw you as the reason she was trapped. So far she hadn't even mentioned her leaving, why? Because she's a coward. My head told me all these things, but my heart clenched to love her again. It was a battle of wills between the two..
"How was your shower honey," she said as I walked into the living room, she didn't make eye contact me entirely focusing on the show on the television.
"It was good Bella likes strawberry scents, I noticed that was in most of the bath products she had in her bathroom?" I awkwardly replied as I stood in the living room, not sure where to sit.
Do I sit next to her on the couch next to her or the chair? I broke out of my internal dialogue and pushed down my rising anxiety and sat in the chair as Renée replied to my statement on Bella's choice of shower items.
"Oh yes, she's liked them since she was oh about three or so. She'll be unhappy whenever she has to use something else, so I'm not sure how she'll do with your father."
"Yha, I use vanilla, so that should be interesting. Have you heard from Bella yet?
"She called when you were in the shower. We didn't talk long; she was also drained after her flight and just wanted to sleep." My mom smiled fondly when talking about Bella, which angered me. Once again I questioned did she ever talk about me with a content smile? Did she even talk about me at all?
"The restaurant is just a few minutes down the road in walking distance, so we're going to be walking. Is that alright with you honey?" It wasn't just the heat outside making me hot, it was the feeling of burning resentment within my stomach, her pet names were also grating on my nerves. Did she really feel like she had the right to talk to me like that? After all she had done to me?
"Sounds great, mom, a little walking sounds fantastic after being cooped up in that airplane for so long," I said with such a forced smile that I felt it was clear it was fake, but to my surprise, she just smiled back.
"Wonderful"
While we strolled towards the restaurant, Renée rattled on about everything Bella had done. From ballet, which was terrible due to her poor coordination and then little league T-ball, which she was also awful at again due to her poor coordination. Through her stories I began to realize that Bella, unlike me, had no grace or coordination.
Dad had signed me up for everything he could when I was younger, trying to find me an outlet for my anger. It wasn't as if I was a particularly difficult child to manage. I tried to be as perfect as possible for dad, never wanting to add to his burden of raising me. I even stepped up around the house to help. I was cooking supervised and doing laundry since the age of 10.
Before I knew it, we had arrived at the restaurant. It was a small family-owned place, but from the smells, it was terrific, and my stomach growled at the thought of food. We were escorted to our table, and after placing our drink orders, we sat in slightly awkward silence. When finally, Renée broke the silence.
"Charlie mentioned that you just finished your eighth-grade year. You skipped up a year in school. How did that happen?"
" Well, we found that I learned most things pretty quickly, so I would get bored in class a lot and often finished the work we had to do months ahead. So Dad reached out to the school about me skipping a grade or two when I was ten, and they had me take a placement test. I tested into the ninth grade, but they worried I was going to be picked on due to my young age, so we settled on just one grade for me to move up to."
Reneé exclaimed loudly, "That's wonderful honey, I'm so proud. Are you challenged by the work you are given now."
I replied with a blush on my face, "Somewhat but not really. My teachers are often giving me higher-level work for me to do, so I'm already working on higher-level algebra or in-depth analysis of classic work such as Shakespeare and Mary Shelly."
"Are you thinking about graduating early, honey. Do you know what you want to do after you're done with school?"
"I want to be a nurse, I want to help people in a way like a dad, but we don't have the money for me to go to medical schools to be a doctor and I don't want to be away from dad and home. So I'm happy to be a nurse anything actually to help others. My favorite books to read for leisure are anatomy books or books about the advancement of medicine." I found myself getting more comfortable about talking about my plans, "I plan to take some AP classes when I get to tenth grade and hopefully be taking college courses during twelfth grade. So that I can get my state license sooner."
"You're truly a genius, honey, and its honorable that you want to be a nurse, but you don't have to sell short if you want to be a doctor go and be a doctor." My mom said utterly missing the fact that it wasn't me selling my dream short. It was the fact that I didn't want to be away from Forks for so long I felt a calling there for some strange reason. Like something important waited for me there.
Our food came right after her comment, so I didn't have a chance to respond to that, but it was okay I knew if I did have the time, whatever came out of my mouth would not be so lovely. The first bite of my order, I couldn't help but groan out it pleasure the food was terrific. I suddenly realized how hungry I was, so hungry that I finished the meal in record time; it also kept me from talking to Renée. Before I knew Renée had paid the check and we were walking back to the house. I was admiring the different houses capturing the images in my mind to sketch them later. As if Renée had been reading my mind, she spoke up.
"I heard you are a fantastic artist, would you like to show me at some point while you're home. I plan on taking us to some of the parks around here so you could sketch. You know I'm also into art, but I never have time to focus on it anymore."
I suddenly realized that the only way she could know that information was if Dad had told her. While I appreciate that Renée had taken the information and planned some activities around it, I also felt betrayed by dad. I quickly got over that feeling and realized he had told her so that I could do things that calmed me and maybe give us something to bond over.
"I don't know. My sketches are kind of private. I don't even like dad to look at them that often." I said not looking at her. "You're into art?"
"Well that's okay, I'll wait till you're ready. Yes, I used to be very into painting and pottery, but I just don't have time since I'm raising Bella, she also isn't the greatest when it comes to the arts so I've just been focusing on finding her a hobby."
At the beginning of her sentence, I felt my heartwarming from the understanding of my need for privacy and the fact that even though she hadn't raised me we did share something beyond just blood. But by the end, I felt angry. Of course, you're busy raising Bella, but I guess you never wanted to take me in the first place. I felt my face becoming tight. Renée noticed my face and commented on it.
"You okay, honey?"
Lying through my teeth, I said, "Oh, I'm fine, just tired, I guess. I think when we get to the house, I'm just going to call dad again and then go to bed."
She replied with a content smile, "That sounds good, honey I think I'll probably do the same when we get home. It's been such an exciting day having you here and all."
For the rest of the walk, it was quiet, and when we were back at the house, I immediately headed to the phone while Renée headed to her bedroom. I picked up the phone and quickly called the house. After about three rings the phone was picked up. I immediately felt a wave of comfort wash over me by hearing my dad's gruff voice.
"Hello, Swan Residence."
In a small voice with tears welling in my eyes, I respond, "Hi, Dad, it's me, Lily."
"Oh, Lily Pad, I'm so glad you called again. I assumed you were going to be so tired you just would have gone to bed."
I smiled at the immature nickname; I never knew I would miss my dad calling me that.
"I took a small nap when I get here. Reneé and I just got back from dinner, it was great. She told me that she plans to take me to some of the national parks to do some sketching."
When he responded, I could hear a smile in his voice. He was happy that I was giving this an honest shot.
"I thought you would like to have a change of scenery for your sketches. Lord knows you've probably sketched the whole Olympic Peninsula by now."
Faking shock and outrage, "I have not reached my goal of that yet, dad, and you know it."
"Oh, excuse me."
Switching to a new topic and something I was honestly wondering about, "Did Bella get on okay?"
"Yes, she took a nap on the car ride home and was surprised about her having her own room here. She liked the green comforter you picked out."
"It's probably because here her whole room is various shades of green. It's quite soothing to me. It reminds me of home." I say it a quiet voice.
Dad replied in a soothing voice, pushing my worry away, "You'll be home before you know it."
"I'm going to go to bed dad, I'm pretty tired, and Reneé said we have a busy day tomorrow." I sighed, not wanting to get off the phone with him but it was late and he had been driving all day. But his voice sounded like home.
"Okay, Lily Pad. I love you." He said with a deeper gruffer voice as if he also didn't want me to get off of the phone either.
"Love you too, daddy," I said with a voice that was if I was choked tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I also surprised myself. I hadn't called him daddy since I was about eight, but it felt perfect at that moment. I found myself feeling like I was five again, all alone and scared.
I headed back to Bella's bedroom, calling out to Renée that I was heading to bed. Within a second, after closing the door to the bedroom, I collapsed to the floor, silently crying. I missed home. I missed my dad. I would do anything to be back there, but I know that this must be done for everyone. I began to wonder, did Bella feel the same feelings that I feel right now, or was she responding better? I cried for a long time until I collected myself and felt strong enough to get up off the floor.
I would be firm about this even if I couldn't wholly forgive Renée I'll at least try to be civil with her and try to enjoy what she had planned for us to do. I would do this for Bella and dad. She deserves the chance to get to know dad and he deserves to have a relationship with my sister. I changed into my pajamas and slid into Bella's bed and felt myself drift into a dreamless sleep.
For the rest of the time in Phoenix, I found myself becoming more comfortable with Renée. I don't think I can ever forgive her for the abandonment of me as a child, but I found I could at least get along with her. The entire time that I was there she never even mentioned what she had done. That one fact was what held me back from fully embracing her and giving her another chance.
She took me to almost all of the national parks and explored the environment, since she never had a chance before due to Bella's coordination issue. While I would pick a spot and just sketch. She was a little apprehensive of leaving me alone in such a new environment, but after I explained that dad never let me leave home without pepper spray and that seemed to calm her down and left me alone in peace. She also took me to different media classes. I found that I enjoyed pottery molding something with my hands felt soothing.
I talked to dad every night, and we discussed what we had done for the day, and it kept me from being too homesick. Before I knew it, it was time to go home.
"Do you have everything, honey," Mom asked as we rushed to the airport. Another thing I had learned about Renée is she is almost late to everything.
"Yes, Mom."
Renée smiled "That's good, even if you have forgotten anything, I'll ship it to you."
"Thanks, Mom. Oh, before I forget, I actually left Bella a little gift. It's a stuffed animal from Forks. It's a black wolf I was it in a little shop and thought it was cute and she would appreciate it." I returned her smile.
"That's so thoughtful, honey. I'm sure Bella will love it."
As we arrived at the airport, Renée hugged me and told me she'd see me next summer. I then had to run to my gate, hoping I wouldn't miss the flight. I made it just in time, and the gate attendant gave me the same speech that I heard the first time, but this time I felt less nervous and more excited. I would finally be going back to the coastal town I love, back to my friends and my family. This time I felt no fear flying and the flight seemed to past by in record time. By the time I was allowed to disembark, I felt myself shaking with anticipation as I rushed to the baggage claim. I looked everywhere and felt scared that I could not immediately spot my dad in the crowd.
Suddenly I saw a tall man rushing up to the front of the group. It was my dad, my daddy, trying to get to the front, and I began to run closing the distance while shouting.
"Daddy!"
"Lily Pad!"
We collided into hug. I held on to him as if he would suddenly blow away, and I need to hold him tight. He picked me up, only struggling a little as I started to cry as I had a month worth of tears flowing from my eyes.
"Shhh Shhh Lily Pad, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here, and I'll always be here."
"I missed you so much, daddy." I sobbed out
"I missed you too, Lily Pad. I missed you more than you can ever know."
After a few minutes, I calmed down and smiled at my dad with one of the brightest smiles. As we walked out of the airport to dad's car, dad spoke up.
"Did you enjoy your time with your mother, Lily."
"I mean it was alright, I missed you home more," I replied, "Did Bella enjoy Forks."
"I think she did when we went do to La Push a lot to hang out with the Black's."
"Can we go tomorrow after you get off from work? I want to see Leah." I asked looking at him with puppy dog eyes hoping that they would sway him into agreeing with me.
"Why not, Lily Pad. Think you could persuade Harry into making hisfish fry?"
I giggled at his request. "I'll try daddy."
We mainly listened to the radio the whole way home with me singing along to the songs I recognized. Dad simply giving me a bright smile seeing me so happy. Occasionally I would talk about the things that Renée and I got up to while I was Arizona. The whole three and a half hours seemed to fly by, and soon enough, we were pulling up to the house I have missed so much. As I got out of the car, I couldn't help but say one thing.
"It's good to be home."
