As NEBULABELT hurried off the stage, the curtains opened. From inside his sound-proof booth (which was also fire, bullet, and laser proof) NEBULABELT started reading.
"Our story begins in Great Britain during the magical years of the Second World War—" Several explosions, provided by Tabby, went off, scaring a good year off the lives of everyone in the audience.
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"
"Well, I'm awake…" Dead Girl said.
"Yeesh! Tabby could you cut it down on the explosions! That was loud enough to wake the dead!" Pietro complained.
"And I outta know!" Dead Girl added. NEBULABELT continued.
"During the German bombing of British cities, the children of Britain were evacuated to the countryside. Among them were the four Pevensie children, two boys and two girls. Peter, the oldest—"
"OWW!" SCOTT said as he was tossed on stage.
"Susan, the next oldest…"
"Watch it!" ROGUE snapped as she was shoved on stage.
"Edmund, the third child (and a snotty little bastard to boot)…"
"Hey, why was I picked for this role?" BOBBY demanded as he was hauled on stage. Everyone just looked at him incredulously for asking.
"And Lucy, the youngest." NEBULABELT finished as BRITTANY DELGADO walked on stage.
"Waitaminute! Arcade exclaimed. "Why her?"
"Because the author has some pretty flagrant favoritism, that's why!" Quinn snapped.
"What, you wanted to be in this shlock?" Daria asked her.
"Look," NEBULABELT sighed. "There are only four Pevensie children and one Lucy! I couldn't justify having all three of them having the part! They may alternate and take turns, but ultimately, Brittany is Lucy and that's that."
"Then why not get someone else, so you didn't have to choose?" Doug asked.
"All the other age appropriate characters are ineligible. Naomi can't speak English, Torpid and Penny can't speak period, and as for Spyder …" NEBULABELT winced. "Let's just say that Trinity was the only realistic choice and Brittany won the toss."
"And doesn't this story have some pretty Christian overtones? I mean she is a kid you know…" Jesse said.
"And the anti-Christ." Amira noted.
NEBULABELT just looked at her. "Really. I had no idea." He said sarcastically. "Besides, it's a parody! No can possibly take anything of religious significance away from this!"
"Except maybe knowledge that Doomsday is on its way…" Roberto said.
NEBULABELT ignored that. "Besides, I like to think of it as a chance to turn things on their head. Heck, I would've given the role to Kitty if I didn't think the audience would commit suicide first!"
"Good point." Rogue conceded.
"Hey!" Kitty said, stomping her foot.
"Moving along…" NEBULABELT said. "The four Pevensie children were bustled off by their mother into the English countryside to wait out the war."
"So basically I'm in a role where my parents kicked me out again huh?" Bobby snorted. "That fits!"
"Hey, I WISH my parents had given me the boot!" Rogue snapped.
"Speak for yourselves!" Scott said. "I would've liked to get the chance to know my parents!"
"And I haven't seen my mother in years…." Brittany sniffed.
"Oh boy." NEBULABELT groaned. "Anyway, they were sent to the house of a Professor Digory Kirke."
"Why me?" PROFESSOR XAVIER groaned as he was rolled onto the stage. "Why always me?"
"Because misery loves company." Rogue said.
"And on that note." NEBULABELT remarked. "Here's his housemaid Ms. Macready!"
MS. MARCH was hurled onstage. "I'll get you for this, you mutie-lover!"
"I thought it was Mrs. Macready." Peter said.
"It is, but I thought the idea of her being married was just too much for the audience to accept." NEBULABELT admitted.
"Man's got a point." Remy agreed.
"So, the Pevensies arrive at the Professor's house in the country." NEBULABELT said again. "And once there…"
SCENE CHANGE
"Okay you mutie brats!" Ms. March snarled as she drove them up to the Mansion in a horse-drawn carriage.
"She must not have been able to fit them all onto her broom." Kitty snickered from the audience.
"Here we are!" Ms. March announced sullenly.
"The narrator already said that." Rogue grumbled.
"What do we do now, 'Ms. Mcready?' " Brittany asked.
"Bite me." Ms. March snapped. "I didn't want you brats at the Mansion but I'll be damned before—"
"TOO LATE!" Everyone in the audience shouted together.
"—I let you disturb the Professor." She ground out, glaring at the audience. "Don't touch anything! Don't make any noise! In fact, don't even breathe! I'll be off tending to my job!"
"Which is what exactly?" Bobby asked. Suddenly they all heard a bell ring.
"MS. MACREADY!" The Professor shouted from upstairs. "Get up here and finish scrubbing the toilets!"
The children attempted to suppress their snickering as Ms. March stormed upstairs.
"So how do we kill our time here…'Peter?'" Rogue asked Scott.
"Let's have some fun and play a game!" Scott said with much less enthusiasm than anyone ever saying those words had used.
"Scott wanting to play games and have fun?" Forge snorted.
"Man did they ever pick the wrong guy for this role!" Jamie said.
"You clearly haven't seen him and Jean." Ray snickered. "They have their own games they like to play…"
"DIE!" Jean screamed as she started to throttle him. Above Ray's death yells, the four Pevensie children decided to play hide and seek…in the hopes of managing to sneak out of the theater
"Don't even try it!" NEBULABELT shouted. "All the doors are locked, all the windows sealed. And the walls, ceiling, and floor are completely unbreakable!"
"DO'H!" They cursed.
"Let's just play." Scott sighed. "I'll count to a hundred."
"If he can." Lance snickered.
"One…two…three…four…" The other three Pevensie children wandered off to find a place to hide. Rogue hid in an oversized trunk. Bobby hid in a laundry basket. Brittany wandered from place to place, trying to find a suitable hiding spot. Finally, she walked into a room that was bare save for…bum bum bum!…a wardrobe.
"I might as well." She sighed as she walked into it, closing the door behind her. She started walking towards the back of the closet, which turned out to be a lot further back than she would've first guessed.
"…What?" Brittany gaped as she walked into some snow-covered branches. She kept walking and soon found herself in the middle of a snow-covered forest, next to a randomly placed lamppost. It was snowing out and very cold.
"Well..." Brittany said as she looked around. "This is new." She held her arms and shivered. "I don't think I like this much snow."
"Me neither." XI said as he appeared. "Hello, I'm Mr…do I really have to say this?"
"Yes, Xi you do." NEBULABELT snickered. "You were such a big star in 'The Last Muticorn' I just had to give you a part!"
"Fine." Xi grumbled, already planning horrible revenge. "I'm…Mr. Tumnus." He ground out. "I'm a fawn."
Snickering broke out in the audience.
"Are you a…daughter of Eve?" Xi asked Brittany.
"My mother's name is Mara." Brittany blinked.
"I mean, are you human?" Xi asked.
"Do mutants count as human?" Brittany asked. "There seems to be some debate…"
"Could you please hurry this along?" Xi pleaded. "I'm cold-blooded and it's freezing out here!"
"Sorry." Brittany said. "Yes I am."
"Where did you come from?" Xi asked.
"My mommy said I came from Heaven." Brittany said.
"Ha!" Althea snorted.
"That ain't where you're gonna end up, though!" Sam pointed out.
"If she comes from Heaven, I think I'll take my chances with H-E-double hockey sticks." Kitty said. Brittany and Xi ignored them.
"Where am I?" Brittany asked.
"This is Narnia." Xi said.
"Where is that?" Brittany asked. Xi shrugged.
"Somewhere. All our products are made in China or Japan…not that that means much. Anyway, would you like to come back to my place for some tea?" Xi asked Brittany.
"I do not know…my mother always told me to be wary around strange men…"
"Should've listened to her own advice!" Althea muttered.
"Well, they don't get much stranger than Xi." Peter noted.
"But, I am not a man." Xi pointed out.
"I was once a man!" Cobra Commander shouted drunkenly. "A maaaan!"
"Who got Cobra Commander drunk?" Destro moaned.
"Well, if you're not a man, then I suppose it's all right." Brittany said. "Lead the way Mr. Tumnus." Xi grumbled and led her to his home.
"This is nice." Brittany said as she and Xi sat down in his home.
"Thank you. I don't get many visitors with this blasted winter."
"Well winter isn't all bad." Brittany pointed out. "There's snowball fights, spiking the eggnog, greasing the wheels on Senator Kelly's car, arguing over the sexuality of fictional characters, getting people drunk, alien invasions, mooning Donald Trump, blasting Santa Claus…"
"I am so glad that I'm a Muslim!" Amira said.
"…insane relatives, attacking our enemies, caroling demons, big dinners, Christmas…"
"Oh we haven't had Christmas in over a hundred years." Xi told Brittany sadly.
"What? Is everyone Jewish here?" She asked.
"Couldn't be." Wanda said. "If everyone were Jewish they would've taken off for Florida as soon as the first snowflake fell!"
"It is always winter but never Christmas." Xi explained. "The White Witch keeps Father Christmas out of Narnia."
"Whose the White Witch?" Brittany asked.
"She's the one who rules Narnia." Xi said in a low voice, afraid of being overheard. "She's declared herself Queen of Narnia and rules here with an iron fist."
"My kind of woman!" Destro said.
"Excuse me?" The Baroness hissed, sitting right next to him. "What was that?"
"That's terrible!" Brittany said.
"It gets worse…" Xi sighed. "She has orders to arrest any Son of Adam or Daughter of Eve who sets foot in Narnia…the entire reason I brought you here was to turn you over to her!"
"You'll never take me alive!" Brittany yelled as she kicked Xi in the chest with a flying kick. "Hi-ya!"
"Owww!" Xi said as he smacked his head against a wall. "I said I was going to! I couldn't do it after seeing what an—" Xi gave a strangled snort "—innocent little child you are. Hurry! Back to your own world before the White Witch's spies find you here!"
"Man, what I wouldn't give for a teleportation watch." Brittany muttered as she and Xi ran for the lamppost.
When they arrived, Althea noticed something. "Waitaminute! That's Daria!" She pointed. NEBULABELT shrugged.
"There was a substitution made."
"Hurry on through!" Xi urged her. "Farewell, Daughter of Eve!" Daria headed back through the wardrobe and then out the door only to bump into Bobby.
"Hey, I'm trying to hide here!" Bobby hissed as he jammed a lampshade on his head and pretended to be an oversized lamp.
"I always knew Bobby wasn't that bright." Sam snickered.
"Yeah, a real dim-bulb!" Fred laughed.
"But did you wonder where I had gone to?" Daria asked.
"Gone where? You were gone for about a minute! And such a wonderful minute it was…" He sighed nostalgically.
"I went into the closet and found another world in there!" Daria said as Scott and Rogue appeared.
"Why, did Forge put his IM NUTS machine in there?" Rogue groaned. Daria shook her head.
"No, this was a cool world! Really cool…freezing actually. See, there's this witch and she turned Narnia into a frozen wasteland without Christmas and I met a fawn and—"
"Yeah, and I met a mermaid in the bathtub." Rogue said sarcastically.
"What was Althea doing in the bathtub?" Toad asked, missing the sarcasm.
"Waiting for you Toddles." Althea grinned. The audience shuddered. NEBULABELT gagged.
"Please, move along!" NEBULABELT begged. "Please!"
"Stop pretending Lucy." Scott said, still looking ill. "Magical worlds and portals don't just appear out of random!"
"Says you!" Illyana Rasputin shouted from the audience.
"I am not pretending!" Daria wailed, stomping her foot.
"Grow up." Bobby groaned. "And stop acting like Kitty."
"Hey!" Kitty protested. "You're a dead man Drake!"
"But I really did visit another world, honest!" Daria insisted. But no one would believe her.
&&&
