"We have to get out of here!" Todd exclaimed as he and Althea hastily started putting provisions together.
"Be sure to bring plenty of soap!" Remy called from the audience. "You don't want to be around Toad without it!"
"But what about our 'brother?' " Rogue snorted before mumbling, "As if I didn't have enough siblings already!"
"Only Aslan can help him now!" Toad said.
"Or failing that, Psyche-Out." Forge noted from his seat.
"Where do we go from here?" Scott asked.
"Aslan's camp!" Todd said. "Rumor is he's setting up camp near the Stone Table. We have to hurry though! Thanks to your no-good brother, the Witch's agents could be on us any second!"
"I think you're stretching the point—" Scott started to say before a symphony of wolf howls cut him off.
"You were saying?" Althea asked.
"Take them!" Rahne ordered as the wolves surrounded the dam and started clawing their way in.
"Quick, through the conveniently placed escape tunnel!" Toad said.
"Built by rum smugglers back during Prohibition Days…" Jesse said, as if narrating on the History Channel.
"Rum? Where?" Shipwreck asked eagerly. The wolves burst in bare seconds after they fled. Rahne spied the tunnel entrance and growled in thwarted fury. She howled and was not alone.
"Hurry!" Todd urged as the howls grew louder.
"Nazgul!" Brittany yelled.
"Wrong story!" Scott said. "Still…move it!"
"They're in the tunnel!" Todd gasped.
"We noticed!" Rogue snapped.
"I see light up ahead!" Althea shouted.
"Stay away from the light! Stay away from the light!" Dead Girl shouted. "Trust me on this!"
Ignoring her, Althea, Todd, and the Pevensies crawled out of the tunnel and blocked the entrance.
"That oughta hold them for a little while, anywaaay!" Brittany yelped as she tripped over something. "Uh, Mr. Beaver? Do you collect Garden Gnomes?"
"Why do you want to—oh no." Todd's face fell as he turned around to see what Brittany fell over. The others turned around as well, and saw diamond statues of LANCE, FRED, PIETRO, WANDA, PYRO, ANGELICA, SPYDER, ARCADE, and SHANE.
"Say, weren't those guys just in the audience?" Amara asked.
"Let's just say there will be a lot of audience participation in this fic." NEBULABELT shrugged.
"And they say there's no Christmas in Narnia." Peter quipped from the audience.
"I'd say I've just gotten what I've wanted for Christmas!" Kitty agreed as she looked at the Misfits frozen under the White Witch's spell.
"That's not funny!" Lina snapped. She was the only Misfit left.
"Yeah, they missed these two." Scott groaned as he pointed towards Althea and Todd. They glared at him.
Todd turned back to look at the frozen statue of Fred. "Not again!" Todd groaned as he flailed his fists on Fred's statue. Althea put her hand on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry…"
"He was my best friend." Todd sniffed.
"Yeah, that Witch sure isn't what you'd call 'soft on crime.' " Lance's COYOTE said as he walked into the clearing.
"NOW I know why NEBULABELT decided to do the movie version." Kurt groaned. "He just wanted to give that stupid coyote some air time!"
"And knowing is…" General Hawk started to say. Everyone onstage and in the audience glared at him. "Never mind."
"What's the big deal with the Coyote?" Tabitha asked. "It isn't like RogueFan didn't do the same thing in 'The Last Muticorn.' There's a precedent."
"I hate precedents." Spirit groaned.
"Me too, that's why I don't vote." Shipwreck quipped.
"You!" Todd snapped as he lunged towards the Coyote. "Traitor!" The Coyote rolled his eyes.
"Oh please, as if! I'm one of the good guys!"
"If Lance were here—and not a statue—I'm sure he'd insert a big fat 'HA!' to that!" Paige said.
"You look like one of the bad guys." Todd said suspiciously.
"As if Toad should be commenting on anyone's looks!" Monet snipped. Althea glared balefully at her.
"If someone would be so kind…" She growled. Amira nodded.
"On it!" She said as she lunged at Monet and started beating the tar out of her. The Coyote sighed over the screams and shrieks of pain coming from the audience.
"It's true! I do look like the Witch's secret police! For shame that so many of my cousins work for her! If only—"
"I hate to cut this short," Scott started. "Oh wait, no I don't. Anyway, we really should get going before—" A sudden racket at the blocked tunnel entrance drew everyone's attention.
"We have to move!" The Coyote said. "Preferably to Rio! Failing that, you have to hide!"
"Dare I ask what is going on in that twisty little mind of yours?" Scott groaned. The Coyote just grinned.
As Rahne and the other wolves burst through the hastily constructed barrier, she saw that the clearing was empty, save for the Coyote. There were no tracks of her quarry either.
"Oh sweetheart…" The Coyote grinned at Rahne, wagging his tail in excitement. "Miss me?"
"Like a tapeworm." Rahne snarled. The Coyote scrunched up his face as if he were about to cry.
"How can you be so cruel?" He whimpered, pouring it on: his lower lip trembling and his eyes extra big and watery. The girls in the audience all sighed sympathetically.
"Awwww…."
"I wanted you to have our pups!" The Coyote cried.
"I wanted you spayed!" Rahne shot back. "Count yourself lucky!"
"Oh, wont you run away with me?" The Coyote begged.
"I'd be more likely to run away from you." Rahne groaned.
"Come on, marry me and let's get away from all this! Away from the witch…" The Coyote implored. Roulette snorted.
"So to get away from a witch, the Coyote is willing to marry a bit—OW!" She said as Lina smacked Roulette's face with her wing.
"This is pointless!" Aiden protested. Coyote just glared at him.
"What's that flea bag got that I haven't got?" He asked Rahne.
"Okay, there's one guy who's has less of a chance with me than you." Rahne admitted to the Coyote as she glared at Aiden evilly. "Don't let it go to your head."
"I knew you liked me!" The Coyote grinned. Rahne groaned.
"Me and my big mouth…" She shook her head. "Enough of this! We're looking for some humans."
"Humans? Here in Narnia?" The Coyote repeated innocently. "Hmmm…that's some valuable information to have…" He avoided looking up, where the beavers and Pevensies were hiding in the tree.
"Don't patronize me!" Rahne barked at him.
"What's in it for me?" The Coyote asked. "How about a nice vacation to Yellowstone, just you and me…" He grined.
Rahne turned to one of her wolves and nodded. The lackey leapt at the Coyote and dug his teeth into to coyote's back. The Coyote gave a pained sounding squeal as he was picked up and shook like a rag toy.
"Your reward will be your pathetic little life!" Rahne snarled. "It's not much…but still…"
The Coyote looked down. "North. They…went north." He said weakly.
"Why don't we bring him with us, so we can kill him if he's lying?" Lobo asked. Rahne looked at him.
"Do you want to bring him with us?" She asked him. Lobo frowned and shook his head. "Didn't think so." Rahne said. "Come on!" At that, the wolves headed north. The wolf biting down on the coyote flung him aside and followed the others.
Todd, Althea and the Pevensies climbed down and ran to the Coyote.
"Are you okay?" Brittany asked in concern.
"Is he ever?" Jean called.
"Whoever said love hurts certainly knew what he was talking about." The Coyote mused as Althea started tending to his wounds. "OW!"
""Love? Are you crazy? Scott asked. "Never mind. Stupid question." He shook his head. "She hates you, you dumb dog! She just had you mauled!"
"Your Majesty," the Coyote said, shaking his head. "A mauling can't stop true love." The Coyote said. "Merely delay it a little."
"Stop mangling Princess Bride and get on with the story!" NEBULABELT ordered.
"You heard the boss." The Coyote shrugged as he slowly stood up. "I have to go. Aslan has asked me to gather more troops."
"If Aslan's using the Coyote as a recruiter they must really be in trouble!" Roadblock groaned.
"You've met Aslan?" Todd practically squealed.
"Dish!" Althea said. The Coyote shrugged.
"Eh, Aslan's pretty okay…for a cat." Seeing everyone glare at him, the Coyote rolled his eyes. "All right: Aslan is all we ever dreamed of, the coolest kitty in the world. Happy?"
"Much!" The girls in the audience said dreamily.
"Oh brother." The boys groaned.
With that, the Coyote left. "We should get going too." Althea said.
MEANWHILE…
Bobby sat chained in an icy dungeon. "Well this bites." He muttered.
"I am not enjoying myself either." Xi said as he sat chained in the next cell. He looked at Bobby. "You're human? A Pevensie?"
"I'm Lucy's brother." Bobby said.
"You don't look a thing like her." Xi noted. "She's cute." The audience howled as Bobby turned red.
He was spared further humiliation—for the moment—when Emma Frost strode in. "Where are your siblings headed?" She demanded of Bobby.
"We all know where she's headed." Kurt quipped.
"Yeah, straight to old H-E-Double Hockey Sticks." Ray agreed.
"I don't know!" Bobby said. "I don't even know that they would know where they're going!"
"Let's not forget that Summers is the one leading them." Bevatron chuckled from his seat.
"Then you're useless!" Frost spat.
"It took her how long to realize this?" Jubilee asked incredulously.
"Oh man, I'm really between a rock and a hard place!" Bobby moaned.
"The rock being his head I assume." Betsy guessed. Emma blinked.
"Rock…that's it! That's where that mangy lion would go! The Stone Table!" She exclaimed. She smiled evilly. "And that means I may have some use for you yet."
"What am I, chopped liver?" Xi muttered in his cell.
"You can be if I desire it." Frost told him. "As a proven traitor I can do anything I wish to you." Deciding to twist the knife a little, she asked him. "Do you know why you're here?"
"Because you're evil." Xi answered.
"Good guess, but not what I was looking for." Frost said. To Bobby she said, "I really should thank you Prince Edmund," She said, loading his title with more scorn than Bobby would have thought could be packed into a single word. Continuing, Frost said. "If you hadn't told me that your sister visited Narnia, I never would have found this treacherous fawn out." Frost grinned. Xi gaped at Bobby.
"Y-you…" Xi stammered. Frost grinned.
"Oh yes, your savior," she scorned. "Works for me! That for prophecy." She said, snapping her fingers dismissively. "Now then I always wanted a new paper weight." Frost grinned as she took out her magic wand—
"Courtesy of Ollivanders." Jamie quipped.
—And waved it over the hapless Xi, turning him into a statue of diamond.
"Shine on you crazy diamond." Hank said.
"Xi in the sky, with diamonds…" Warren sang drunkenly.
"HEY! I thought I banned all alcoholic beverages in the theater!" NEBULABELT said indignantly.
"You did. That was right before we threatened to go on strike." Shipwreck reminded him. "It was a case of 'no booze, no show!' "
"WHAT?" Dr. Mindbender bellowed. "You mean we could've avoided this whole travesty if you could've just gone without drinking for a few hours?"
"Mindbender, remember who you're talking to." Destro groaned as he pointed at the audience. Warren, Shipwreck, Hank McCoy, Cobra Commander, and the Dreadnoks were all in various stages of inebriation.
"Oh yeah." Mindbender groaned. "I forgot."
Back on stage, Emma Frost just smiled. "Get my sled!" She ordered Fitzroy.
MEANWHILE…
Our heroes trudged over a frozen lake as they made their way to Stone Table.
"Over the river and through the woods, to Aslan's camp we go!" Todd sang.
"I can't believe they're following Toad!" Ray groaned.
"Who's more foolish, the Toad or the fool who follows one?" Sam asked rhetorically.
"They're right!" Rogue groaned. "We're doomed!"
"Hey! No responding to remarks from the audience!" NEBULABELT shouted.
"Hurry up!" Todd said as he hopped along. "We can't let them catch us!"
"Easy for you to say, you can hop!" Scott groaned. "And I have to carry Lucy!" Brittany sat on his shoulders.
"Giddyap!" She ordered. Scott rolled his eye.
"Knock it off! You're not exactly easy to carry around." Brittany glared at him and 'accidentally' smacked his face. "Hey! Why you little…" Scott growled.
"We've got company!" Rogue shouted as she pointed behind them. A sleigh was rushing up from behind.
"Run!" Althea yelled.
"Is that all they're going to do?" Roberto asked. "Run?"
"Wish we could." Remy grumbled. They had no sooner made it to the other side of the lake than the sled caught up with them. They blinked at the sight.
"Is it just me, or is that a dinosaur pulling that sled?" Rogue asked numbly.
"Princess Fluffieta Tinkerbell?" Brittany asked. Lina blinked.
"Wait a minute, I've seen that dinosaur before! That's Old Lace!" She exclaimed.
"Old Lace? What's she doing in this story?" Scott asked.
"A very brief cameo." Gertrude Yorkes groaned from her seat.
"The reindeer and all the other pack animals were too scared." NEBULABELT sighed wearily. "Old Lace was the only one who could manage to pull the sleigh and not be afraid of its driver."
Everyone turned to look at the sleigh's driver. It was LOGAN dressed in a Santa Claus-type suit. The audience's eyes bulged and jaws dropped. Then a low sniggering broke out that soon erupted into loud laughter.
"LOGAN?" Tabitha shrieked with laughter. "The badger as Santa Claus?"
"What a hoot!" Ray cackled.
"Where's the video tape?" Jamie asked. NEBULABELT leaned back and looked proud of himself. Logan's face turned red with barely suppressed rage.
"I am going to kill that guy…" He swore, his eye twitching dangerously.
"I don't believe this." Rogue said, astonished.
"Santa Claus?" Brittany asked. "But I thought that there hadn't been a Christmas in one hundred years!"
"The witch's power is failing." Logan sighed. "That's how I was able to get in…now you can watch me leave!"
"Hold on! Don't you have a hundred years of back presents due us?" Todd asked eagerly. Logan ignored him.
"Hmmm, what do I have here…?" Logan muttered as he dug through his sack full of weapons: swords, spears, javelins, maces, and a whole assortment of medieval weaponry.
"Santa Claus giving out weapons…this is new twist!" Hank blinked.
"Okay, now I can see Logan as Santa!" Tabitha said.
"Here we go. Lucy, this is for you." He said, giving Brittany a vial. "A single drop of this will cure any wound or illness…I know because that maniac Forge made it from my blood!" He growled.
"NEBULABELT made me!" Forge protested.
"For Susan, I have this. Sorry stripes." He said as he gave Rogue a bow and a quiver full of arrows. "Oh and here, this horn will come in handy." Logan added as he handed her a smooth white horn.
"What, can I bash people's head in with this?" She asked.
"Maybe." Logan shrugged. "I guess it's to call help with. Never use the thing personally. And finally," He said as he turned to Scott. "Your gifts." Logan gave Scott a long sword and a shield with a lion emblazed on it.
"Don't you have anything more useful? And Uzi or AK-47, perhaps?" Scott asked.
"Or a bazooka!" The Joe called Bazooka yelled from the audience. Logan shrugged again.
"Hey I gotta leave something left for me!" He said as he got back into his sleigh.
"What about us?" Todd protested. Logan glared at him and unsheathed his claws.
"Fine, here's your annual Christmas gift…I'm letting you live another year!" Logan snapped. "Come on Old Lace." Old Lace rolled her eyes and gave a martyred sigh as she started pulling the sled away.
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight!" Logan called over his shoulder as he road off.
Dead silence reigned for a good long while.
"Well…" Todd said finally. "That was different."
&&&
