A/N: Hello! Thanks for all the reviews. Some of you may need a tissue warning for this one.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Dukes, and no infringements intended.
BLOOD BROTHERS
CHAPTER 9
RESTLESS NIGHTS
Luke couldn't sleep anymore if his life depended on it. The minute that he closed his eyes, the projector started playing the home movies in his mind. All the years that Bo had suffered from nightmares, Luke had been sympathetic, though he really never understood them. Now he did, and he regretted the times that he'd laughed at his cousin about his monster fetishes. Luke was beginning to believe that their room, maybe the entire farmhouse, was haunted, just like Bo had always said it was. He could lay awake at night and hear all types of sounds that he'd never noticed before. It was amazing what you could hear when you really listened.
His dreams were usually double features. They'd start in Nam and work their way back to Hazzard, but it wasn't the happy Hazzard he'd known most of his life. It was the awful one that he had returned to. In his dreams, Bo was always sick, and Luke was afraid that he was starting to forget what his cousin ever looked like when he hadn't been. Except for old photos, all his memory could see was an ill Bo. Even when he did occasionally dream of something happy, Bo was always depicted as too thin and with a ball cap. Just once, Luke wanted to go to bed to dream of nothing or of something pleasant, and wake up feeling rested, if not necessarily happy.
He'd normally wake himself, but he had cautioned everyone not to ever approach him. Vets were known to attack in their sleep; a few had even killed. They were trained to be alert twenty four hours a day, and that wasn't something that you couldn't just turn off.
The moonlight trickled in through the window, and Luke sighed. It was going to be another restless night. Sitting up, he yawned and rubbed his face. He looked to the other side of the room, and felt the tears stinging. Looking to the floor, he saw Bo's books still piled up. Luke was proud of his cousin. He'd kept his word, and had finished school. His teachers had allowed him to test out early. The principle had come to their home to administer the tests to ensure that Luke or Daisy hadn't taken them for him, but they hadn't. They'd helped him with his homework and to study, but Bo passed the exams all by himself. Having enough credits, he became eligible for his high school diploma. They'd given him the option of receiving it with the rest of his class or getting it early; Bo had decided to wait. Looking down at the books, Luke wondered why his cousin hadn't insisted that they be thrown in the garbage immediately. He had always said he'd never use the stuff anyway.
Luke walked over to where they laid, intending on moving them. As he did so, a couple of slips of paper fluttered out. He picked them up, and with the aide of the stars and moon, he saw his name at the top. There was no mix-up this time; he clearly saw the words 'Dear Luke.' The letter belonged to him.
Curious as to what his cousin had written, Luke decided to read it. He may have made out the greeting, but he was going to need a little more light than what the nocturnal sky had to offer. Needing some fresh air, Luke decided that he would wander out to the barn. He could be alone there, and he could turn on a light without alerting his family. Throwing on his jeans, he padded barefoot across the dirt, not worrying about shoes or a shirt. It wasn't like anyone was going to see him in the middle of the night, except for maybe Maudine, and he didn't care what she thought.
Closing the door behind him, Luke lit a lantern until the entire barn was bright. He bypassed the hayloft, choosing instead the bales of hay where he'd always sat Bo down when they worked on their motor. He looked at the contraption, still sitting in all its glory. Luke had put such hopes and dreams into that motor, but now he wondered if it had ever been worth it. He'd never use it without Bo.
Tearing his eyes away from it, he forced them to look down at the letter. 'Dear Luke,' he read again, telling himself that he'd already read that once. He continued on.
'You know that I was never the best writer, Luke, and I'm sorry that my penmanship is even worse than it ever was. I've concentrated so hard on what to say, that I forgot that it won't matter if ya can't read it anyway.'
Luke had to stop and laugh, thinking that it sounded so like Bo. He had an uncanny ability to simplify anything.
'This is so silly, really. All the years you were in the war, the times ya went to camp or to help out one of the relatives, I always wrote to ya. Shoot, I've done it a million times. I never worried before about what I said or how I said it. Most of the time I just wrote the first thing that popped into my head, bet ya couldn't figure that one out? But this time, I am worried about it, real worried about it, cause I know it's the most important letter I'll ever write, and there won't be a next time.'
Luke had to stop for a minute, giving himself time to dry his eyes. He may not have known exactly what Bo had to say to him in the pages that followed, but he knew exactly what the letter was: a goodbye.
'I can't believe I'm writing this, anyway. It's not like you're gone. Shoot, you're right outside the window, ya just popped your head in. Usually, I'd just tell ya what I was thinking. It's always been like that, but I guess this time is different. I haven't really been able to talk to you, not that I didn't want to, but cause you weren't ready. I didn't want to force ya, but I didn't know if you'd ever be ready. I couldn't take the chance of not getting to tell ya this stuff, either to your face or by writing it, so for once, I decided to be safe rather than sorry. Bet ya didn't think I'd ever do that either?'
Luke stopped again, laughing in between crying. Only Bo could cause that kind of reaction in him, even if it wasn't in person.
'First off, I just wanted to tell ya how sorry I was, again, about that mix-up with that letter. I still can't believe that I didn't figure out what had happened, and I let it get that far out of hand. My heart didn't want to believe it, but that time, I let my brain do the thinking. See what happens when I do that? Anyway, I'm sorry that I made your time home so miserable, and I'm sorry that I wasted all that time that we could have used having fun. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't, so I hope ya forgive me.'
"I already did, Bo," Luke said, unable to believe that his cousin had still been fretting over that.
'Now, to the really important stuff. I think ya know this already, at least, I hope ya do, but just in case you don't, so you never have to wonder, I love ya, Luke. I know that ya ain't supposed to love one person more than another, especially family. I love Jesse and Daisy, for different reasons. If they forget, you tell them that, but don't tell them this next part. Like I said, I love them so much, but out of everyone in my life, I love you the most. I know that you and Daisy remember your parents and can remember a life before the farm. I can't. All of my memories are here with Aunt Lavinia, Uncle Jesse, Daisy and you. I don't know how old I was before I even understood what a cousin was. To me, you were always my brother. Even before we mixed up our blood and became blood brothers, which I think ya did just cause ya knew I wanted it so bad, to me we was brothers. Anyway, thanks. It really meant a lot to me, still does and always will.
"No Bo, you're wrong about that," Luke whispered. "I wanted it as much as you did."
'I also wanted to say thanks, for everything. You taught me how to do so much. Ya taught me how to fish, how to hunt, how to drive, how to fight. Shoot, you even gave me pointers on girls. Of course, I perfected those and I think I could give you a few now. Thanks for all that you taught me, but thanks for just always being there. You always took me along with your friends, even when you didn't always want to. I remember ya letting me play with you and your toys, even when I was little and could have (and did) break some. I really remember all the times you let me crawl into bed with ya, scared of the monsters under it, or having a bad dream. Or, you'd crawl into mine. I know you did that when you really wanted to sleep, and you wanted me to sleep, too. Sharing a room with me wasn't always the easiest thing in the world to do. I loved it, but I know that you would have gotten more privacy and more rest if you'd had your own.'
"I loved it, too, Bo. It wasn't hard at all."
'Those are all the times in the past. The biggest thanks is for now. You should have come home from the war looking to raise cain with your buddies, not taking me to the doctors and the hospitals, or carrying me around, but you've done it, and never once complained. All the times I woke up and found you sitting in that chair next to me, well, I can't tell ya how it made me feel. Instead of being scared and alone, it really made me feel safe. Luke, you've always made me feel safe, no matter what we were facing. Whether it was a school bully, or a storm, or losing Aunt Lavinia, I always knew it'd be ok cause you were there. I think that's why I was able to be so reckless, cause I always knew you'd be there to bail me out. There isn't anything that I didn't think you couldn't do.'
"There's one thing, Bo," Luke cried.
"Until now. This is something that you can't fix, Luke, and no one expects you to be able to. But I know you, and you'll find some way to blame yourself. DON'T! It ain't your fault. It ain't anybody's fault. You're a person, Luke. You can't fix everything, so don't tell yourself that you should have been able to. Like Uncle Jesse always said, ya can't argue with the Good Lord and when it's your time, it's your time. I don't want it to be my time, but if it is, there isn't anything me or anyone else can do about it.'
'Bo," Luke moaned, sobbing uncontrollably and not caring who saw, though no one would since he was hidden in the corner of the barn.
'This is the part I wish I could have talked to you about the most. It would have been easier in person. I could have made you promise, and I would have been able to tell if you was telling me the truth or not. Luke, I don't want you feeling guilty. It's not your fault. You always think you gotta be strong. Ya keep everything inside. You always have. That's ok if you can deal with this that way, but if ya can't, let it out. You don't always have to be the strong one anymore. You've been that whenever it was needed. It don't make you less of a person or mean that you're weak if ya cry. If it does, then I guess you thought of me as a very weak person.'
"No Bo, I didn't. I admired and envied your ability to feel and to show those feelings."
"Jesse and Daisy are gonna need ya, but you're gonna need them, too. Turn to them. They're both a lot stronger than you think, and you'll all be better off if ya help each other. It's what we've always done. Luke, I really need for you to be ok. I am, and I will be, and I need to know that you are, too. You've got your whole life in front of ya, Luke, and ya can do anything you want. I know you love the farm, but you might think about going to college. We always kidded ya about being ruthless in Monopoly, but you got the brains that I never had, and you can do anything with them that ya want. You could race, too. Or get married and have a family. You'd make a great dad, Luke. You've already had a lot of practice with me! Do whatever you want to do, but make sure you do something. Don't sit around doing nothing cause that would be a waste, and it wouldn't do either of us justice. I don't want to leave ya. I want to be there with ya, but I can't, and you can't stop living just cause I do. I'll always be with you, Luke. Ya can't get rid of me that easy. I'll be in your heart, where it counts, and I expect you to make us both proud.'
Luke had to stop, unable to continue. It took him several minutes until his vision was clear enough to read the end.
'Well cuz, that's about it. Please be ok and know that I love ya, no matter what. Love Bo.'
"I love you, too, cuz." Luke said, sliding off the bale and onto the ground. Bo was right, he did keep everything inside. Anyone that knew him, knew that. They'd all been there for him, including Bo, but he'd refused to break down. He'd stretched too far, and it was bound to burst.
He didn't know how long he sat there sobbing. It seemed like forever. He looked up and saw that motor sitting there. He remembered his words to his cousin: 'it'll be ours or it won't be at all.' Suddenly, he was filled with a rage that scared even him. Leaping to his feet, he grabbed the nearest board he could find. Raising it in the air above his head, he was about to bring it crashing down on what he and Bo had dubbed the fastest engine in all of Hazzard.
"Luke, don't," a voice said, stopping him before he began his downward motion.
Jesse Duke had gotten up to go to the bathroom. On his way back, he peeked in the room that Bo and Luke had shared for years. Seeing Luke's empty bed, he became nervous. Going to the back door, he saw the light under the barn door. He didn't know exactly what his eldest nephew was up to, but he had to find out. He could hear the boy's sobs as soon as stepped on to the porch. Hurrying his steps, he didn't know if the breakdown had finally come, or if Luke was hurt; physically, as well as emotionally. He'd opened the barn door just in time to see Luke preparing to destroy something that both he and Bo had worked so hard on.
"Luke, don't," he said again, seeing that his earlier warning had momentarily distracted his eldest. "Bo wouldn't want this." Watching Luke raising the board to reposition himself, he beseeched him. "C'mon Luke. You really want to ruin something that the two of you built together? You destroy that, you'll be destroying a part of Bo."
Luke turned his head to look at uncle. Jesse couldn't ever remember seeing so much pain in his nephew's eyes: not after his parents had died, not after his aunt had passed away. Jesse walked toward him, and Luke let the board fall to the ground with a thud as the old man reached out and pulled him close. It wasn't Luke's style to cry, but this one was long overdue. He didn't know how long he stood there holding him, letting him release some of the anguish so that he could go on. When he felt his nephew calming, he suggested that they go to bed, hoping that after his good cry, he would finally be able to get some sleep. There were still several hours of it available, and if Luke did manage to fall asleep, Jesse wouldn't wake him in the morning for chores. The boy needed his rest, and he'd manage just fine one day on his own. As the older man extinguished the light, Luke reached down and picked up the papers that had scattered on the ground. They were, after all, addressed to him.
