It's been, hrm, a year? Perfect, I guess I've gotten all the votes that will be cast. Yeah, totally intentional- I MEANT to wait a year before I updated again, yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it (haha, get it, 'cus this really is a story, and I'm still adding, so I'm sticking to it and… oh nevermind). This chapter is the farthest "out-there" yet, written mostly in the wee hours of the morn. So, yeah, you reviewers are so complimentary, thanks everyone. Onward and Upward!

Review reply:

nameless: go right ahead, it's harder than it seems. I don't plan on making anyone win- I just write the chapters you guys decide who stays and who goes. And no, I'm not going to tell you what happens at the end, did you think I would if you just asked? Peh. ;D j/k No sequel, no, this is it. Hope that's all your questions answered!

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Episode 9
By: Catty Engles

Catty: Hey guys, um, jeez it's been a long time since I've done a tribal council, haha.

Swartt: What do you mean? You had one yesterday.

Catty: Oh yeah, RIGHT, silly me, haha, hehe, continuity, what a funny concept. Well then, let's get on with it, shall we? You've been through the drill, Tinchatka, the bad guy-

Romsca/Tsarmina: Aherm.

Catty: (quickly corrects) -sss and gals team, will now vote for the one they want to eliminate. Let's kick it off with the completely despicable Cluny who pointlessly murdered an old defenseless mouse, whose name might rhyme with Dethuselah, and left someone whose name might rhyme with Datty utterly devastated because it was her favorite character and she was sad and he's really ugly and, er, ratlike, and, um, (evil glare from Cluny and meaningful fingering of some sharp dangerous object) UP First! Heh.

Cluny: (stalks by, cloak swirling)

Catty: Um, nice tail?

Cluny: You think so now.

Catty: (gulp)

Voting commentary:

Tsarmina: (holds up piece of paper with Klitch's name written on it, the "i" dotted with a little heart) This'll freak him out, who says I don't enjoy life?

Badrang: (holds up a piece of paper with Klitch's name written on it) Hogging the ladies, 'nuff said. (readers cringe at cross-species flirtation, esp. baddies, even Catty winces)

Klitch: (holds up a piece of paper with Badrang, Ublaz, Cluny, Romsca, and Swartt written on it, lowers paper, looks at it sadly, then sighs) Can't blame me for trying. Once anyone is comic relief in this fic, they always get voted out, then it gets harder and harder for it to stay funny. (sighs again and places paper into the gourd while violin music plays and disembodied voices say "so true, AMEN, so true!")

Catty: (as Klitch retakes his seat) I'll get the votes. (gets the votes) I'm going to read the votes now (prepares to read votes) and I'll just remove the cap from the gourd just so (removes the cap from the gourd just so) and now I'll get really parentheses-slap-happy (becomes parentheses-slap… hey). Okay, first vote (glances at it apprehensively) um, is for Klitch.

Klitch: (takes a good look at the curlicue letters and the heart-dotted "i") Wha…?

Tsarmina/Romsca: (giggle like schoolgirls then catch themselves quickly)

Romsca: Heeeheeheheh, uh, er, (clears throat), I mean, GRR!

Tsarmina: Rawrs! (Romsca: rawrs?)

Badrang: (appeals to the audience by gesturing to the "ladies") See what I mean?

Catty: Great, next vote (glances at it sadly). Yeah, nice try Klitch.

Klitch: (sighs)

Tsarmina/Romsca: (high pitched dreamy sighs)

Badrang: (knocks on computer screen) Hello! (more gesturing) You guys seeing this!

Swartt: Okay, I'm changing my vote. That is enough of that.

Ublaz: Movement seconded.

(Swartt, Ublaz, and Cluny rush the gourd trying to get at their votes to change them to Klitch)

Catty: Um, wait, noooo, I don't think you can technically do something along the lines of-

Cluny: (strokes some more pointy sharp dangerous looking things)

Catty: But, um, maybe just this once. (is handed scribbled out, corrected votes from Badrang, Cluny, and Ublaz) thanks. (glances at them) Sixth beast voted off of Survivor: Redwall… oh do I even have to?

Klitch: (gets up, grabs torch and places it in front of Catty)

Tsarmina/Romsca: Nuuuu! Wait, no, grrrr!

Tsarmina: (squeaky happy) Rawrs! (Romsca: I still don't… rawrs?)

Catty: Klitch, you've been voted off.

Badrang: AMEN!

Klitch: Poop.

----Chetora----

Superhero comic announcer guy: MEANWHILE AT THE WOODLANDER'S HOME BASE…

Song: (poking something roasting over the fire that looks like shoe leather) Are you sure it's edible?

Triss: (bats Song's paw away) Of course I'm sure. (cuts off a bit of the leathery substance and puts it on a plate. Shoves plate at Martin as he walks by) Dinner?

Martin: Heh, your guess is as good as mine, sweetheart. (looks warily at the questionable equivalent of Redwall mystery meat).

Triss: (defensively) That (pointing at meat) is what I've been working on for the better part of the afternoon.

Martin: (looks dispassionately at the substance) Funny, aren't you feminine types supposed to be good at cooking?

Song: (fanatically pointing at Martin) SEXIST!

Gonff: (walking up from the shore, totally oblivious to the conversation thus far. He's laughing appreciatively at something) Martin! Listen to the joke Deyna just told me! Okay, okay, why did the female cross the road?

Song: (nostrils widen as they begin to snort steam)

Triss: (slowly, menacingly crosses arms in anticipation)

Martin: (notices and tries to stop Gonff before he says the punch line which goes something like-)

Gonff: Who cares? She shouldn't be on the road, she should be in the kitchen! Hahaha hehe ho. Wanna hear another? …Women's rights! Baaahaa.

Martin: Oh boy. (trying to minimize the damage quickly he turns to the two squirrelmaids) Ladies, please, he was only-

Song: Don't you dare "ladies" us.

Triss: Yeah.

Gonff: (finally perceives that something isn't quite right) Oh…

Martin: (quickly changing tack) Gonff here is a real goober (forced laughter), sometimes he goes overboard, I mean hey, don't we all, this time he went way overboard, fed to the sharks actually.

Gonff: (trying to play along and stay out of trouble that he's somehow gotten himself into) Yeah, that's me, Mr. Goober pouchy face, haha.

Martin: (chiming in with a very fake sounding laugh, backing up Gonff) Yeah, haha.

Triss: Give us one good reason why we should believe you.

Martin: (slowly) Because I'm… really cute?

Triss: (smirks)

Song: Stop being really cute while I'm hating you!

Triss: (stops smirk)

Martin: (smirks)

ELSEWHERE---- at the shore gathering clams

Fwirl: (to Deyna and Cregga) This is such a great tribe to be in. I mean, we haven't even had any kind of really big fight or division yet. Knock on wood. Oh, no wood nearby, nevermind.

Deyna: Haha, (Martin slides longways across the sand facedown, thrown there by Triss- moments later likewise for Gonff courtesy of Song) oh…

Cregga: What happened?

Martin: (spitting sand and trying to be flippant) Oh just a little tiff, nothing big.

Triss: (from the far off firepit, yelling) That is a stupid and close-minded joke and if you ever comment on my cooking again- you'll be the one I'm roasting!

Martin: Um, scratch that.

Gonff: (groan)

Fwirl: (horrified) I didn't knock on wood. It's all my fault.

Deyna: (uncomfortably) Uh, heheh.

LATER-----

Martin: (hunched over a plate of Triss's leathery stuff, stubbornly resigned to trying to make up with the girls) This is delicious, absolutely marvelous!

Gonff: (grumbling) If you've lost all sense of taste or perception. (is nudged hard by Martin). I mean…

Triss: Try all you want, you're still insensitive, chauvinistic males.

Gonff: Is Martin still really cute?

Song: Why of course he-

Triss: (slaps her paw over Song's mouth) No.

Martin: (smirks)

Triss: You wipe that look off your face right now or…

(Fwirl and Deyna cower behind Cregga)

Martin: You'll what?

Triss: I'll… storm off dramatically. (proceeds to, grabbing Song and Fwirl as she goes)

Gonff: (to Martin) Nice going.

Martin: Oh, like this is my fault? Listen, pouchy, you have got another thing coming if you think that I'm going to let you put the blame for this on me, I'm gonna-

Gonff: Wait, wait (loses all animosity while he listens intently to seemingly nothing). They're planning something.

Martin: (face drains of color) Not…good.

ELSEWHERE---

Triss: (to Song and Fwirl) I've had just about enough of the boys. Now I've got a plan. If we three ally and get Cregga on our side, then we'll be four (Triss, Song, Fwirl, and Cregga) against three (Martin, Deyna, Gonff), then we can vote one of the boys if we go to tribal council tonight.

Song: GREAT idea, I'm in.

Fwirl: I dunno, you guys.

Triss: Come on you sissy (Triss and Song glare, invoking the tried and true strategy of peer pressure).

Fwirl: (relenting) Okay, okay, I'm in, but will Cregga go along with this?

Triss: Of course she will, hello, she's female. We'll just tell her what the guys said and she'll be on our side for sure.

Song: Let's go talk to her.

ELSEWHERE---

(Martin and Gonff realize that the girls are probably making an alliance and convince Deyna to counter with a male alliance)

Deyna: But if you, me, and Martin are in an alliance, and we're up against Fwirl, Song, and Triss, that's three against three, we'll be in a deadlock.

Martin: Cregga.

Gonff: We don't even know if Fwirl is really committed to the alliance, she may be swayable. We could get her on our side.

Deyna: You're forgetting about peer pressure.

Gonff: Ah, yes, the tried and true.

Martin: Works every time.

Deyna: We'll concentrate on her later; right now I say we go after Cregga before the girls can get to her.

Martin: Good idea.

Gonff: Uh oh, looks like we're too late. (points at the three squirrelmaids talking to Cregga by the fire pit)

(Gonff, Martin, and Deyna rush over to find out what's happening and catch the tail end of the conversation: Triss explaining what the boys did to make them resort to an alliance.)

Triss: And he said, and I quote, "Who cares? She should be in the kitchen not on the road." (The girls look righteously offended and watch for Cregga's reaction)

Cregga: (pause) HAHAHAHAHAHAAA. That's a good one! Got any more?

Triss: Wha…?

Martin: (smirks)

Triss: Don't you dare give me that face, I will pound you so-

Gonff: (trying to distract Triss) Oh, look at the sun, it's just about time for the next challenge!

Catty: (jogging up the beach toward them with Tinchatka in tow) Right you are, pouchy. Our challenge today is a test of endurance, strength, wit, and resourcefulness. You will be pushed to your very limits, and some may not even come back alive. You will need- (is handed a notecard. Reads it slowly. Clears throat.) Oh, um, never mind! There's been a change of plans. Since this chapter has become very long, longer than originally planned, the challenge has been condensed.

Martin: What do you mean…condensed?

Catty: Uh, I mean, reduced in size. Well, we were going to roll a die to see which team would go first into the harrowing challenge I was just about to explain… and now, well that's all.

Triss: What's all?

Catty: (uncomfortably) That is… rolling a die.

Tsarmina: That's the challenge?

Catty: (squeaky and very small) Yes. (general sounds of outrage) But wait, WAIT! (trying to regain order) It's a really good reward today! (pulls off the cover to a table covered in jugs, barrels, bottles, and glasses full of liquid… intoxicating liquid.) Alcohol! (general sounds of rejoicing) We've got grog, ale, beer, wine…martinis (yes, martinis are found in many Redwall books… it's called reading between the lines, people, hehe). Okay, so let's get started. We need one roller from each team. Highest roll wins. Loser goes without alcohol and to tribal council tonight.

(Teams confer, Ublaz and Song are chosen from Tinchatka and Chetora respectively).

Catty: (hands both a single die) Okay players… roll.

(dramatic slow-motion. Ublaz gets a four, Song gets a two)

Catty: The winner, Tinchatka! (yays from baddies) Chetora, I will see you in tribal council tonight.

(dramatic camera angles showing Martin, Gonff, and Deyna facing off against Triss, Song, and Fwirl with Cregga in between)

Catty: What will happen next? Tune in next year to find out. (nah, just kidding… I hope)

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No, I will probably finish this up fast- so actually, let's see if we can make this go faster- pick TWO woodlanders you would like to get voted off, please put them in order of first and second choice though. So, you are choosing from: Triss, Song, Martin, Fwirl, Cregga, Gonff, and Deyna. I wanna say who I don't want you to vote for (b/c these are some of my favs, wonder if you can guess my absolute fav…hmmm!), but I think that would be influencing your vote, sigh. Anyway, so you remember the situation? There is a male and female alliance, three against three, with Cregga in the middle, how will she vote? Whose side will she be on? And the vermin with alcohol? What's that going to be like? All questions to be answered next time (or by you in reviews, I'm open for suggestions anytime). Yay, vote, review, and keep on reading, you loyal, loyal people.

Last time's voting looked like this, if you wanted to know:

Swartt: 3
Klitch: 9 (actually one was for Kitch, haha, I laughed)
Romsca: 1
Tsarmina: 1
Badrang: 3
Ublaz: 1
Cluny: 2