Walk Softly and Carry a Big Wand

Sirius slowly walked to the headmaster's office.

Fuck fuck shit fuck fuck.

"Mr. Black, you really shouldn't use such language," Albus said. "At least, not within earshot of the headmaster," he added, with a twinkle in his eye.

Sirius had been thinking aloud again! Shit! "Uh.. Sorry, Professor," Sirius stammered as he stood in the hallway awkwardly.

"Now, now, it's all right," Albus said gently. "Please, come into my office. We need to discuss your extra-curricular activities of late. I know what you've been doing in the bathroom."

Sirius' eyes went wide, and his face began to pale. "I…"

"You know smoking isn't permitted on school grounds, Mr. Black."

"Oh, smoking," Sirius Black said with a sigh of relief. "Right, right."

"It isn't at all healthy, Mr. Black. I'm concerned. Not only for your academics, but for you. As a person. For your own good, I feel I must teach you a lesson. Now take off your pants."

Sirius blinked and took a step backward.

The headmaster winked. "You aren't the One and Only Emma Frost, but you'll do."