Chapter 2: Chaos at Koopa Bank
Koopernicus the green shelled Koopa Troopa had seen enough of his job to last him a lifetime outside of it. At age 26, he was still working a dead end job as a bank teller. Clutched in his hands was a framed picture of the great footracer, Koopa The Quick.
Koopernicus sighed. He really needed to get out for a walk. Alas, he was stuck in a cramped, sweaty cubicle. And In the summer heat, there was no use going out anyway. Seeing as there was no one in the building, and nothing much to do, Koopernicus decided to continue staring at his picture. While doing this, he began to daydream.
In his dream, he'd finally get the courage to stand up to his boss, and walk out of his job. Finally he'd be able to escape this hellhole of a bank and get his magical chance at being the world's fastest Koopa.
Unfortunately for Koopernicus, this would be the high point of the day. Not bothering to look at the security camera feed during his fantasizing, he didn't notice Wario and Waluigi entering the facility, wearing hooded cloaks.
"Alright, mister!" Wario's massive form bounded over to the teller desk imposingly, "This is a stick up!"
"Yeh!" Waluigi smirked from underneath his mask, a potted piranha plant clutched in one hand, and an empty moneybag in the other. The plant snarled and drooled.
"Wuh?!" Koopernicus was shocked awake, he had fallen asleep from how bored he was. Now he was frozen from shock, unable to reach the red button that would contact the police that a robbery had been committed.
"You've got ten seconds to put the money in the bag. before you get the receiving end of my fist," Wario said, flexing his bulky abs.
"Those fists are the size of my head!" Koopernicus thought, nervously eyeing Wario's gloved hands, "They'll break the glass! They'll cave my head in!"
The young Koopa had never in his life dealt with a robbery before. Confused and scared, he struggled to maintain his composure.
"T-the bank…..The money…."
"Well?" Wario growled. He was hungry and didn't have time for this.
The Koopa suddenly remembered what he had to do. Gathering courage, he reached over and pressed the red button on his desk. An alarm started blaring from speakers in the ceiling.
"Oh hell!" Wario swore, "Screw this, Waluigi! Go and get the money! I'll handle the turtle!"
"Wh-What?! No way! That goes against my moral code!" Said Waluigi, "We agreed that you'd be the one touching the money. I'm fine with just holding the bag,"
"Will you shut up and go?!" Wario pinched the bridge of his fat, pink nose.
Koopernicus inched ever so slightly out of his chair.
Waluigi hesitated, but he made up his mind upon seeing the Koopa slowly start escaping his cubicle. "Fine!" he snorted, and ran down a corridor that lead to the safe.
Wario turned to face the Koopa and smiled dangerously. "Well now.." he planted one hand into his fist.
Koopernicus shivered, and ran into the hall Waluigi went into.
Wasting no time, Wario charged after him.
Though the Koopa was fast, Wario was faster. Koopernicus glanced back for a second, but all he could see was Wario's cloud-white gloves coming to meet his face. The poor chap had no chance. Too slow to escape or outrun his life problems. he didn't even have the time to scream before his untimely end.
In the same way he'd never outrun Wario, he'd never get out from his miserable financial crisis, caused by his crippling college debt and medical bills. All of this was a terrible shame, but it was weirdly hilarious how the young turtle's body flew from the impact like a cartoon. This was until it smacked the security Hammer Bro who had just come out of the bathroom, hammer in hand.
The two turtles clattered to the floor like ragdolls. Unconscious. But still barely alive.
Wario grabbed the unconscious Hammer Bro's weapon, and went off to assist Waluigi.
Waluigi had found the vault, and was using the Piranha Plant to burn through the metal door. It breathed fire like a laser cutter.
Just then, Wario came in from the hall, "Wa-ha! What kind of stupid bank only has one security guard?" he laughed despite his anger. His tummy growled.
"Heh heh heh. I can smell the gold from here!" Waluigi snickered.
Then the plant's fire went out. It coughed and wheezed smoke and soot. The poor thing looked out of breath and exhausted.
"Nyaah! Come on!" the lanky man poked the plant, "Stupid thing!" In response, the plant lunged at Waluigi's face. He yelped and jerked back.
Wario inspected the vault door for a moment, which had been charred and bent from the heat.
"Eh, I think you've done enough,"
A relieved Waluigi tossed the plant behind him, "Thank goodness, I've just about had it with that thing!"
Wario then charged at the door, beefy shoulder in prime ramming position. The fat man was so strong that he crashed through the door, creating a Wario shaped hole in the metal.
"Woah!" Wario said, noticing the copious amount of money before him.
It did look a bit ridiculous. Coins, dollar bills, and even a few gold bars were stacked sky high, One giant pile reached up to the roof of the room. The organization of the money was haphazard and rampant. Most of the space in the room allocated for a large bulge in the roof. It looked quite unnatural, as if the roof was hiding even more gold coins above.
"So, they actually do store the money here, and not online like the other banks," Waluigi remarked as he stepped into the vault.
"Nevermind that! Quick! Lets nab as much as we can before the guards wake up!" Wario snapped.
But before they could touch a single coin, the roof's bulge opened up to reveal a gaping trapdoor to a secret attic. A giant Sledge Bro leaped from the attic, casting a shadow over several piles of money. The overweight turtle slammed the ground, creating a rippling shockwave that sent Wario and Waluigi on the ground in comedic fashion. The coins toppled over and spread outward.
"Alright, party's over!" The Sledge Bro said, and placed cool looking sunglasses on his face.
Then the Sledge Bro revealed a shotgun.
"WHAT?!" Wario was shocked. He had no idea what a gun was because all of his games were rated E for everybody.
"It's about to get Duke Nukem in here!" the Sledgehammer said, and cocked the gun menacingly.
*Cli-click*
Though they couldn't know the horrors of gun violence, the act alone was imposing enough to instill existential dread in both of the thieves. The two clambered back to their feet and broke into a run. Screaming like little children.
The gun totting turtle followed after them at a brisk, yet casual pace. His weapon was down. He felt absolutely sure of himself. No one was going to get away today.
Wario tried the front doors only to find them locked. He tried a back door he had seen during his trip to the vault, only to find it also locked. The side doors leading into a broom closet didn't seem to be valuable options for escape. Yet Waluigi had ducked into them the first moment he could.
"You idiot!" Wario seethed, chasing after Waluigi into the closet.
The room was dimly lit, and was crammed with brooms and cleaning supplies, which were stacked unevenly on a tall rack extending to the roof. Also inside was a janitor cart with foul smelling turquoise water, as well as a brightly colored painting of the famous Bob-omb Battlefield.
Wait a minute, that was no ordinary painting. Looking closer at the pigments, Wario was absolutely sure it was one of the magical paintings that had been in Peach's Castle back in the day. As for why it was here in this bank? Wario had no clue.
In actuality, the 'painting' was only a replica. It was a stock photo that had been printed and framed, only maintaining the appearance of the original work. (The Bank had asked Princess Peach in something of a royal email if they could have the original work. She staunchly refused, much to the surprise of no one involved.)
Wario could taste the magic coming from within the painting. Despite the fact that it clearly wasn't proven to be magical. In future research essays, scientists and historians would speculate that a heavy dosage of "Plot Armor" was given to the painting. However, the controversial theory wouldn't be accepted into mainstream discussions, because no one could discern what "plot armor" actually was.
In any case, Wario had realized that Waluigi must've escaped by jumping into the painting. Especially since he could not see or hear Waluigi in the small room. Without a second thought, the man leaped at the picture. Miraculously, he fell inside, leaving behind a visible rippling across the papery surface, before everything fell still.
Wario was gone.
Just a second later, the closet door exploded violently in a flash of colors and wood. The Sledge Bro's gun was smoking as he walked into the empty room.
From behind the ceiling tiles, Waluigi laughed.
