Chapter 6: Wario causes the destruction of over three hundred acres of land
Minor warning: Somewhat detailed descriptions of pain. Again, nothing too graphic to warrant a higher rating than T.
Yoshi Village.
A small settlement by the edge of the island's jungles, serving as the home of the famous Yoshi Clan. This fabled group of dinosaurs were the same ones who faced the tyrant Baby Bowser and his caretaker, Kamek (back when Mario and Luigi were infants)
The fame those seven revolutionaries achieved was legendary, and had made the Yoshi Village a popular tourist spot. Even now, decades after the fact, the Yoshi Clan was still respected and worshipped. Almost religiously. It was speculated that there exists a secret cult within the Village.
The world will never know this, but the rumored cult does indeed exist. However, they only worship the production and consumption of Yoshi Cookies. There are no strange gods or sacrifices. Unless you are a sentient cookie, in which case you should be very afraid. But this information is absolutely not relevant at all. In fact, I shouldn't have mentioned it at all.
What was important to our story, is this:
1: Yoshi Village was, at one point, having a normal day.
2: Sometime during the course of that day, a series of unfortunate events of increasing magnitude took place. The exact details of these events are still debated over even to this day.
3: Yoshi Village was burned to the ground, reduced to ashes
Shortly before this happened, a large bird named Raphael the Raven reported a murder to the recently installed Yoshi police. The reason they were even around to begin with was thanks to an increase in crime on the island (specifically regarding food theft).
(even more specifically, the stealing of Yoshi Cookies from cult members)
In any case, The Yoshi Police were in their first year of business. As such, they were still quite inexperienced, and didn't really know what they were doing. But it would be remiss to say that even Raphael was stumped when they finally came to the crime scene, only to find thirteen plates of cooked chicken nuggets, with no dead birds in sight.
Exactly one week had passed from the time of the murder when the Yoshi Police investigated the crime scene. This delay was for various reasons, including but not limited to the sudden destruction that happened after Raphael's report.
Given these circumstances, one would expect the lack of bodies. But who in their right mind would place thirteen plates of Chicken nuggets on the crime scene?
Nobody could tell who was responsible.
According to forensic research, the chicken had been cooked five minutes before the police came, and it was still hot upon their arrival. It had to have been prepared for them specifically.
A brave (and hungry) Yoshi Police officer attempted to eat one of the nuggets, and found it to be absolutely delicious.
Unfortunately, the rest of the nuggets had disappeared in another strange accident involving the same Yoshi officer and a giant space bunny.
No one had seen the space bunny, and there are no historically reported sightings of any space bunnies to speak of. But perhaps the Yoshi had seen an alien, or some other weird newfound creature (One who also had an appetite for fried chicken, apparently)
Either way, none of this is important.
What is important is that I do know what happened on the day everything went down and ended in flames.
This is how Wario accidentally managed to burn down an entire village and get away with it:
Wario was, among other things, a lover of money.
The reason for this was simple. If it was shiny and pretty, and people valued it, it was reason enough for Wario to collect as much of it as humanly possible. This philosophy of a sorts had been the driving source of Wario's success. Not only was he naturally gifted as a treasure hunter, he was also ridiculously powerful and durable.
For instance, if the man were to be set on fire, specifically by an angry fire breathing monster, his body would still be fine, if a little charred. His unique ability to survive all kinds of twisted contortions and mutilation came handy in all kinds of situations. But no one, not even Wario knew the origins of why he was born that way.
(it's just plot armor, duh)
Presently, Wario was walking his way through the jungle, trying to find a way home. He had already tried the warp pipe he entered from, only to find it completely useless.
Along his trek, he had encountered a few Ukikis. These little monkeys annoyed him. They stole his cap and tried to nibble on his arms. But whenever they got too close, he'd punch them away. Empowered by his recent meal, Wario felt himself attaining a new lease on life. Today, he would finally manage to accomplish the one thing he wanted to do in all of his life:
He would be buying himself a new alarm clock.
It was weird to say that Wario had such things as long-term goals. But these were things he did think about occasionally. Admittedly, the concept of thinking ahead wasn't well practiced as of late. These days, the fat man had frequently found himself getting himself into ridiculous action sequences. So frequently, in fact that it pushed Wario to always think in the present. He needed to be able to make quick maneuvers whenever he was in a pickle.
In any case, Wario had been making an uneventful trek through the jungle for about twenty minutes, before he was ambushed by a group of Piranha Plants. The attack was not entirely unexpected, but it still caught him off guard.
Wario had already dealt with two man-eating plants in the past twenty four hours, and had frankly grown quite tired of the little devils. Which was all the more unfortunate for Wario because he was going to have to deal with fifteen more of them...
...at once.
He had no convenient weapons at his side. Or so he thought. Until he remembered—
"The lighter!" Wario exclaimed, pulling it back out from his pockets. Its silver body gleamed in the daylight. He opened the top, and flicked it on.
"Alright suckers! It's time to have a rotten day!"
One of the plants, seeing the flame, became quite attracted to it. To the point where it reached out, mouth open wide.
Wario panicked, remembering the previous time his hand had met Piranha Plant teeth, and jumped back.
But in that process… He dropped the lighter by mistake , and…
The lighter, lit with flame
fell down
right
into
the plant's mouth…
…
..
The rest happened very fast. So we shall slow down the clock and observe in minute detail the following events:
Firstly, the lighter (with its flame still lit) made contact with the Piranha Plant's tongue. The cells of the tongue began to burn, sending pain signals throughout the plant's entire body. It writhed about in searing agony, causing the lighter to shake about in its mouth. The plant tried to spit it out, but to no avail. One of the piranha's sharp teeth had punctured through the lighter's metal skin. It burst open, spilling extremely flammable fluid down the plant's mouth and throat. Unable to focus clearly beyond the pain, it screamed. But even that effort was botched.
Wario backed away a few steps. Not far enough, not yet. He wasn't aware of the severity of the situation.
The spilled fluids, now enflamed, burned down through the plant, until they reached deep inside its stem, where the plant's organic firebox resided. The plant's natural fire and the lighter's enflamed fluids collided. Resulting in the poor thing exploding into a fireball.
Out from the explosion, the crumpled, melted lighter spun through the air before landing in a bush. Burning materials were sent all across the jungle floor, and near the other plants. Everything they touched caught fire.
A splatter of lighter fluid barely missed Wario, just grazing his hat, which began to burn. Wario freaked out just as the rest of the plants and the jungle floor erupted. Tossing his hat, he ran away.
Eventually, the entire area was consumed in heat, plasma, smoke, and destruction. It all billowed into the sky, creating a giant black cloud of soot.
(Perhaps the magic of the Fire flowers enhanced these fires, making them more deadly. Or maybe it was all just cartoon physics. The science is still up for debate)
Nearby, a civilization of tribal Shy Guys started to notice and question a putrid smell. One of them, a Fly Guy, moved out to investigate. He was never seen again. The rumors of what had happened to him are wild and crazy. There are some that say he became one with the fire, or that he turned into a Dry Bones.
But the truth was even worse.
As one knows, Fly Guys can travel as such because of the propellers on their heads. The motors for which lie behind the Shy Guy's mask, lodged in the very fabric of their cloaks.
Though they are tiny, these motors pack a huge punch. They have to produce a lot of energy to lift the Fly Guy off the ground. If the motor were to power a generator, without restrictions, it would be able to light up an entire house. It is fortunate then that these motors are built with safeguards, preventing them from ever unleashing their full, destructive power.
But when the motors are near hot areas, they begin to overheat. Under extreme conditions, the safeguards fail, melting into the metal, warping it, causing it to spin faster and faster.
The poor Fly Guy had no idea what was coming to him, which was perhaps the saddest part of the whole deal. As he flew closer to the fires. He felt his propeller whirring faster. He unconsciously began to turn the spinning down to a lower degree, but it could not prevent the inevitable.
He was a curious individual, and he just had to know…Just had to know—
He was near the mouth of the inferno when the propellor reached its critical limit. It beeped once—a sound the Fly Guy barely could recognize before it was too late—and then—
Then the entire forest exploded.
After this, it could be said that the rest was a spiral of chaotic devastation.
