Chapter 11: Cook until golden brown
Wario appeared before Waluigi, materializing into existence.
In one timeline, he died from his hubris, drowning in the ocean sea. In another, he had been eviscerated from existence itself.
And yet, through sheer will alone, he was in Heaven, standing before the face of God.
The two were inside the Everlasting Bucket, a giant amorphous horizon of red and white stripes. The stripes had no end, moving up into the dark abyss above and below. Though the bucket was endless, an enormous glowing purple chicken nugget was at the top. This was the true face of Waluigi, an ascended being beyond comprehension.
Chicken nuggets of all sizes flew around Wario. They were the background, the mid-ground, the foreground. The floor was crunchy, and the air smelled of oil and dipping sauce. It looked delicious. But none of it was for Wario. He knew, deep in his heart, that if he ate the chicken. He would never be able to go back. So he didn't eat it.
Wario wasn't hungry anyways.
But Waluigi was.
He craved the sweet taste of revenge.
"WA HA HA!" the God laughed, "WARIO! I HAVE SOUGHT YOU! FOR TONIGHT WE COMMENCE IN BATTLE!"
Wario grinned, glaring at the Purple being above him,
"Hah! What is this? Some mysterious voice has got beef with me?!" He put his fists together, "Well, I don't know what's going on exactly, but I don't mind getting in a scrap!"
"Waahhh! YOU ARE DISGUSTING!" Waluigi sneered, "HAVE YOU NO IDEA WHO I AM?!"
"Yer some kinda chicken? A chicken clown? Bahaha!"
"No. I'm WALUIGI!" The God Bellowed. "I NEED NO INTRODUCTION!"
Wario was a bit shocked, "You?! Waluigi! You can't be serious…"
The man in yellow rubbed his head, feeling a bit groggy. He wasn't quite sure where he was before all of this,
"Is this some kind of fucked up dream?" Wario spat, "Get me outta here.."
Meanwhile, Waluigi was just now noticing the Narrator's presence.
Shit. He's looking right at me…
"ThIS is MOST UNSETTLING." Waluigi grumbled at me, before looking back down at Wario.
"I WAS HOPING TO TAKE YOU ON WITH MY BARE FISTS, BUT IT SEEMS THAT LIFE HAS OTHER PLANS.
I CALL UPON THE VOID….THE SUMMONING OF MY VESSEL!"
And so it was done. A fourth being appeared in the realm. It was Waluigi's human body, but it looked more like a puppet. Strings were connected from its body to the glowing chicken nugget above.
The eyes opened. Pupils white. Mouth gaping.
Then it screamed:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—
I have henceforth cut the narration of dialogue because….well…it's a bunch of screaming….and its really loud…
Wario put on a conveniently placed pair of ear muffs. Who knew where those came from. Probably was just a bunch of plot armor.
"Wah hah hah! Is that the best you got you purple loser?"
Waluigi's Godly body trembled with rage. The strings shook his mortal vessel like a ragdoll. The vessel tensed up, balling its fists. Its screaming grew louder and louder.
But God's voice commanded over all—
—SILENCE! YOU DARE QUESTION THE WRATH OF GOD? YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND MY FULL POWER!
"eh, What was that?" Wario asked, "I couldn't hear you with these dang ear muffs."
For a moment, the Chicken God was quiet.
Wario shuddered in anticipation. He could see the visible disruption on the deity's faces. Both its mortal vessel and the glowing nugget above it shook with anger. The human puppet Waluigi stamped its feet on the ground. The Nugget God from above screamed in waves of energy, turning into sound. It reverberated with an ominous hum.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
The hum was growing louder and louder
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Wario, even with the earmuffs on, could hear the deafening noise. He covered his ears, but it was useless. The plot armor had been superseded by something more omnipotent.
The noise continued to surround him.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Wario writhed in agony. He wasn't aware of his own screaming. The sound vibrations shook his heart and blood. He could feel every atom of his body being impacted by the waves of noise. And the sound, the sound was so deafeningly loud that it could not be described.
In that moment, Wario ceased existing. His body was a pile of molecules being tossed and turned. Like waves at sea, there was nothing to impact him with because he just was.
—And then the noise stopped. Abruptly.
Wario's audio whiplash reaction was visceral, perhaps even more so than when he was subjected to the sound.
Wario had, in that instant, lost all his five senses. Blinded, Deafened, unable to feel, smell, or taste. He became a confused vegetable of his former self.
"Aaaah….." he said, his throat dry. "Waahhhh…." He began to cry out, lost and confused. His world perception became a hell of total unending darkness.
But even in this crippling nightmare, he could still see the glaring eyes of Waluigi. They glowed purple. These once familiar concepts were now foreign to Wario.
"Waluigi?….Wha….What?…What's happening?"
Waluigi then spoke,
YOU INSOLENT FOOL. THIS STORY WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE YOUR LITTLE FUN TIME, WASN'T IT? JUST YOU AND YOUR STUPID ADVENTURE.
JUST YOU, SHAMBLING ABOUT FROM PLACE TO PLACE LIKE SOME KIND OF TRAVELING CIRCUS OF IDIOCY.
ALL WHILST BRINGING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION TO WHOMEVER STOOD IN YOUR WAY.
THIS WAS YOUR BIGGEST DREAM. NOT THE CASH, NOT THE FOOD, NOT EVEN THE FRIENDS. JUST THE CHEAP THRILLS OF DANGER. THAT IS ALL YOU CRAVED.
Wario felt like crying. He didn't know he was already doing so. Tears running down his face, into his open mouth.
WARIO, I WOULD PITY YOU. FOR YOUR GREED, FOR YOUR LACK OF COMPASSION…AS I HAVE PITIED MANY OTHERS GUILTY OF THE SAME FAULTS…
…But… BACK IN THAT BANK. DURING THAT STUPID ROBBERY, YOU ABANDONED ME.
WHEN YOU JUMPED THROUGH THAT PAINTING, YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO TAKE ME WITH YOU…
The God's voice had broken through Wario's mind, becoming one with his thoughts. A small part of Wario briefly wondered if he would ever think normally again. As he would come to find out, not really.
WE WERE FRIENDS, WARIO… THOUGH I LOATHE TO ADMIT IT, WE WERE MORE THAN JUST STUPID PARTNERS…
But you left me to die at the hands of some random koopa with a gun. To you, I was nothing more than a disposable object.
BECAUSE OF YOU… I HAD TO MANAGE THE ESCAPE ALONE. AND BECAUSE I WAS A PATHETIC MORTAL AT THE TIME, I FAILED…
Future philosophers would debate whether it was a blessing or a curse that Wario would spend the rest of his life in a dark shell, unable to think. Forever lost…Drifting in a dream…
A nightmare of a life. One without ending.
Or perhaps, an endlessly empty bliss, free from any pain.
YOU WERE NEVER MY FRIEND, WARIO...
BUT… THANKS TO YOUR ACTIONS… I HAVE ASCENDED.
I AM NOW SOMETHING GREATER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE IN YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE.
…I SUPPOSE I MUST THANK YOU FOR THAT. IF YOU HADN'T ABANDONED ME. I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REALIZE MY TRUE POWER.
Wario's body was currently in the process of becoming enveloped in a sea of chicken nuggets. They felt solid to the touch, but the nuggets were an all encompassing substance, like a liquid or a gas. It is difficult to imagine the feeling of being suffocated by cooked meat and breadcrumbs, even for someone who still had their feelings and thoughts intact.
IN ANY CASE, I BELIEVE I'VE MADE MYSELF CLEAR….. YOU SUCK. I HATE YOU. PLEASE DIE.
THIS IS MY STORY NOW.
ANY LAST OBJECTIONS?
It was a rhetorical question. One without answers. Waluigi was going to kill Wario, and they both knew it.
Nevertheless, Wario did try to object anyways.
"aahggggjjjjgjigeiiieonmemm" Wario garbled out, but that was all he could manage. All of his openings were filling with chicken nuggets of all matter.
Liquid, solid, gas, plasma...even some of the more obscure matter types. It was really quite impressive, but I'm afraid I cannot effectively visualize what it looked like.
Wario found it difficult to breathe.
Then He forgot to breathe.
Going once..
Going twice.
GOODBYE, WARIO. the voice said, and then left.
The numbness began to fade, but the fat man was hardly aware of his regained feelings before they once again were gone….Replaced with the numbness of a final death.
"Tastes like Chicken," Wario thought.
His world went dark.
