Chapter 4
The Fool's Mistake
The radio was wailing out some song about being away for ' far too long'. Roy would have shut it off, except it was so ironic he had to hear it.
Here he was, sitting at his table at nine o'clock at night, no lights on, and a bottle of vodka in front of him. But the alcohol was only for atmosphere. To drink, you had to care enough to try to numb the pain, and right now, Roy thought he deserved to feel every ounce of it. His brief conversation with Riza kept looping in his mind, each word forever burned into his brain.
He'd always thought the whole 'pain of a broken heart' thing was a myth. So he was surprised to find those words hurt, a physical ache deep in his chest, as though something were twisting and dying inside. And it had continued, all throughout the day.
Roy had finished work in a daze, still reeling over what Riza had said to him. True to her word, she was the consummate professional, working diligently, and leaving right as the clock struck five. She'd scolded Roy for staring into space, she'd brought him reports and forms, avoiding his eyes as she calmly handed them over to him.
She'd given no hint that their previous conversation had ever occurred, as though her confession had never happened.
"I love you, Roy,"
'I love you, too,' he thought in despair. 'I love you so much...why won't you believe me?'
But, in her position, could he truly blame her? Riza Hawkeye was a very private person, very closed off. But she had opened up for him, and he...
He had left her.
And now he expected her to believe he still loved her? After what he'd done to her, he was surprised she hadn't shot him on the spot.
Roy sat in the dark, the smell of alcohol permeating his nostrils, a sour odour to match his equally sour frame of mind.
'No one to blame, Roy. No one but yourself. You're the one who left her, who took off north without any explanation except "I need to go". Honestly, it's a wonder she even spoke to you, let alone agreed to continue working with you.'
'She thinks I don't love her...but did I give her any reason to think different?'
'I told her that I loved her, and she assumed I always said that to a woman I wanted to sleep with. Did I ever tell her that she was the only woman I ever said that to, besides my mother?'
But Roy already knew. He'd never told her, never taken her by the shoulders and said "Riza, you're the first woman I've truly loved, and the only woman I will ever love. You're the one, and despite the stupid things I may say or do, I love you so much I can't come close to expressing what you mean to me."
He'd never said anything along those lines, nothing that would cement in her mind the fact that she was different from all the other bimbos he'd dated.
They'd been substitutes, really. He'd been desperately in love with Riza, but had always despaired of her feelings. How could someone like Riza fall in love with someone like him? It boggled the mind.
And when he'd finally been handed the one thing he never thought he'd ever receive, the one thing he knew he'd never deserve – Riza's love – he'd left.
If that wasn't deeply screwed up, Roy didn't know what was.
Looking back on it, he found he had no idea why he'd gone up north in the first place. Every reason that had seemed legitimate at the time now seemed trite and feeble.
Roy sat at his table, in the dark, and tried to absorb the fact that Riza was lost to him. He'd had her for three weeks, three weeks that had lasted him two years, and now would have to last him a lifetime.
He felt like crying.
It would have been different if he'd never been with Riza. Then it would be the pain of the road not taken, the path not travelled. The pain of never having the guts to lay it on the line.
But it wasn't that kind of pain. It was the pain of a priceless treasure in his palm, lost by his own stupidity. The pain of regretting what he'd had, and tossed aside.
Because he'd had his chance. He'd been handed the one thing he wanted above everything else, and then thrown it away.
Roy didn't realise he was crying until a teardrop darkened the wood of his tabletop. He thought about brushing the salty water from his cheeks, but what was the point? No one was here to see him, no one was here to witness the fool's remorse over his ultimate mistake.
He'd left her.
Roy dropped his head to rest on the edge of the table. What had he been thinking? The frightening thing was, he couldn't remember. He couldn't remember what could possibly be a valid reason for leaving Riza.
He should have said something. When he was leaving, he should have told her that he could never consider being with anyone else, and that what they had shared had been completely new to him.
Roy Mustang was a man who'd had sex quite frequently. He'd fucked, he'd screwed...but Riza was the only woman he'd ever made love with.
He'd known crushes, he'd known infatuation, but he'd never truly loved until he met Riza.
And she thought he didn't love her?
The truth was, while her feelings might fade, Roy didn't think his would ever go away. They couldn't. He had been in love with Riza for so long he couldn't remember what it was like to not love her.
But he'd left her, and she'd obviously told herself it couldn't have been real love.
The thought galvanized Roy into action. He stood swiftly – he go to Riza, he would talk to her. She might not want anything to do with him after the way he'd hurt her, but he owed her the truth. If she walked away from him, she was not going to do so believing she had allowed herself to be duped and used.
'I wonder if I should ask for my heart back? The one she ripped out of my chest just this afternoon.'
But then Roy smiled. A self-deprecating smile with a tinge of black humour. Who was he kidding? Let her keep it, it wasn't like he'd ever give it to anyone else.
Roy pulled on his coat and strode out the door. He'd tell her everything, and if she still wanted him gone...then so be it.
But first, Riza was going to know exactly what she meant to him.
oooooooo
AN:
Not totally happy with this chapter, but I felt like I needed to show
Roy's angst over what Riza said to him.
