Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"I know what it looks like when someone's pushing the whole world away and how much you can lose while you're doing it."
— Barbara Davis (When Never Comes)
"Sen-chan, why?"
Chizuru barely heard her own voice as it broke the silence that had lasted a minute yet felt like an eternity. Shiranui had sent them to a private room and ordered the servants to prepare tea for them so they could talk. Chizuru would have made the refreshments herself if not for the urgency of the situation.
Smiling, Sen reached for her hand and Chizuru extended it for her to take. She watched as Sen thumbed her knuckles. Silence resettled over them, lasting and feeling equally as long as its predecessor. Eventually, Sen sighed and entwined their fingers.
"Please don't blame yourself, Chizuru-chan," Sen said."This was my choice and had nothing to do with you." At Chizuru's skeptical look, she added,"Well, not entirely. I have been considering doing this for a long time now. My concerns for your safety only quickened my decision. It is as much as a benefit for myself as it is for you."
Chizuru frowned. She had been told more than once that Demons didn't lie, so either Sen was breaking the Demon Code or she was delusional. How on earth would this deal with Kazama benefit Sen?
"Sen-chan..."
Sen scoffed."Make no mistake, I am not fond of Kazama, to put it mildly. However, for all his flaws such as a great sense of entitlement and hypocrisy, the latter of which he would not admit to if his life depended on it, he is resigned/devoted to his duties. I share that with him. Pure-blooded Demons like us are rare and though I have one human ancestor, I am of higher rank than you and more...valuable as a child-bearer. Since female Demons are not as easy to find as our male counterparts, my selection is larger than Kazama's, but he is the best choice for myself. My desire to keep him away from you helped me confirm my choice."
Chizuru bit her lip. Though she was no expert on politics, she saw no flaw in her friend's argument. Still...
"I don't like the idea of you being with him," she said.
"I am not marrying him, Chizuru-chan," Sen stated, tapping her fingers on the table."He and I both require heirs and as I said, we are one another's best choices. Once we have produced an heir for myself and one for his clan, we will go our separate ways and return to our duties as clan leaders. We shall then be free to do what we wish with our lives." She sipped her tea."In short, we are using one another."
Chizuru had no rebuttal to that. She stared at her teacup, needing to look at something that wouldn't remind her of well, everything.
She had adjusted to living in this village. Everyone treated her well and it provided the distraction she sought during the day. Nighttime was a different story.
She hadn't slept at all that first night, spending the whole night crying and cutting her hair. She'd been the only one of her comrades other than Kondou not to wear western clothing and get a haircut. They wouldn't be able to see her, but she liked to think they, especially Ryouma, would have liked it. Her heart ached at the thought of him.
Except for Sen and Matsumoto, all her loved ones were gone. She couldn't have saved most of them, but Ryouma and Sanan and Heisuke...she could have prevented their deaths.
Kodo and Kaoru were hopeless, though the latter at least had her sympathy. Her sole regret about her false father was that she had abandoned her friends to deal with him alone. Moments later, Ryouma joined them in death. Even if they didn't blame her, she could have done something to save them. Or tried to, anyway.
If she were stronger, if she could wield a sword, if she were smarter, if even one little thing about her was different, maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have lost everyone. She could have stopped Kodo and Kaoru without relying on help from others, she could have avoided becoming a curse to those she held dear.
In the back of her mind, she knew that she accepted Shiranui's offer because she didn't really know him. She didn't wish him or his clan ill, which was exactly why she limited interactions to what was necessary. She was comfortable with them, and vice versa, and that was enough. No need to let them get closer to her and suffer as a result. It didn't matter that Kodo was gone; fate would find a way to ruin them as well if she wasn't careful.
And it was because of her curse that she had to do this...
"Sen-chan." She spoke firmly. Sen's head snapped up. They placed their teacups on the table. Chizuru locked gazes with the princess, who nodded to indicate she was listening. Not that she expected disrespect from Sen, but this situation was more serious than any other in the past. There was no room for doubt. She had already written Matsumoto to inform him of what she was about to tell Sen. Saying it was harder than writing it, however...
Chizuru did not waver in facial expression or voice."This is goodbye." She clenched her fists in her lap and fought back tears. She needed to do this, not for herself, but for Sen. This was for her own good. No more close bonds, no more attachments, and thus, no more losses.
Sen stiffened in her seat, blinking and drawing her brows together. After a minute, she smiled.
"Oh, yes, that's true." She nodded."I have my duties to attend to as Princess of Yase. My village is a distance from here. Even though we shall meet again, most of our communications will most likely be through letters-"
"No." Chizuru sat up straight. Her voice was clearer than ever."This is the last time we will meet or communicate." She stood up, posture as straight it could be."Goodbye, Sen-chan." She turned to leave.
Sen burst out of her chair and hurried after Chizuru. She grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn around. The struggle not to break down increased for Chizuru as Sen refused to let go.
"Chizuru-chan," Sen said shakily."What are you talking about?"
Chizuru swallowed thickly."Precisely what I said," she replied."I am cutting ties with you. Nothing will convince me to change my mind."
"Why?" Sen demanded, tightening her grip on the other girl's arm.
Chizuru clenched her fist so tightly that her nails dug into her palm."Please do not question my decision," she said through gritted teeth.
"Why?!" Sen repeated, her voice growing louder and more desperate. When Chizuru did not respond, she kept asking, and soon Chizuru could no longer control herself.
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE TOO!" Chizuru screamed at the top of her lungs. She choked on a sob and furiously wiped at her tears.
The door was thrown open. Shiranui and Kimigiku stood with concerned expressions that grew when they saw that both young women were crying.
"What's going here?" Shiranui asked.
"My lady? Chizuru-san?" Kimigiku called to them.
Neither girl reacted to the other two Demons. They stared at each other, tears rolling down their cheeks. Chizuru slipped her hand from Sen's grasp, evading her attempt to grab it.
"Goodbye, Sen-chan," she whispered, then turned to go. Sen did not stop her, just stood there weeping and pitifully reaching for her. Kimigiku rushed to her, trying to console and question her.
As Chizuru passed Shiranui in the doorway, he grabbed her shoulder."What happened?" He had no intentions of letting her go until she answered him.
Chizuru tried to shrug him off and when that failed, she stated,"I did what I had to do." He looked at her in confusion, yet made no effort to stop her again.
She ran down the hall, covering her ears to muffle the sound of Sen's sobs and repeated calling of her name. She almost tripped a few times, but made it to her room, slamming the door shut and locking it. Leaning against the door, she slid into sitting position on the floor and hugged her knees to her chest as tears blurred her vision.
'I'm sorry, Sen-chan,' she thought.'But this is for your own good. You don't deserve to suffer because of your connection to me.'
Sen couldn't stop weeping.
As soon as Chizuru left, the princess fell to her knees and broke down. Kimigiku had wrapped her arms around her and was stroking her hair and whispering soothing words into her ear. None of it helped. Sen kept calling Chizuru's name until her vocal cords lost their strength, and even then she whispered hoarsely.
Shiranui leaned against the door, thoughtfully looking down the hallway and occasionally glancing at his guests.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE TOO!
He wouldn't be surprised if the whole village heard that scream. If he went outside, he half-expected to see that all his people had gathered outside to ask what the commotion was about. Because Kazama's visit wasn't eventful enough for one day...
I did what I had to do.
His eyes narrowed as that statement echoed in his head. Right before answering his question, she had said goodbye to Sen. And she'd made Sen cry, something Shiranui never saw anyone do. He'd seen the princess display emotion plenty of times, but breaking down in tears? This was a first. Knowing Sen, she'd want to ensure it was the last.
What should he do? He wanted to follow Chizuru, but leaving Sen like this didn't feel right. Was there a correct course of action to take here? Sighing, he rubbed his temples.
Suddenly, the sobbing stopped. He turned to see that Kimigiku was assisting Sen in standing. The princess wiped her eyes and swallowed, managing to appear somewhat dignified despite her red, puffy eyes. Shiranui approached them, taking a teacup from the table and handing it to Sen. She gratefully accepted it, taking a long sip and exhaling deeply to maintain her composure. Shiranui waited for her to nod to indicate she was fine before he started questioning her.
"What just happened?" He asked.
Sen closed her eyes."You heard what she said to me." Opening her eyes, she tightened her grip on the cup. Kimigiku placed a hand on her shoulder, which she acknowledged with a weak smile that faded as quickly as it appeared.
"Chizuru-chan cut ties with me." The statement was curt and matter-of-fact, the polar opposite of how its speaker looked and felt. She put the cup on the table a little too harshly, making Shiranui and Kimigiku wince."As for why, I believe you both heard what she said...or yelled, rather."
Again, Shiranui wondered if his entire clan heard that scream.
"That does not explain her reasons for saying that-" Kimigiku began, only to be interrupted by Shiranui.
"I know why she said that," he stated, causing both women to look at him.
Sen closed her eyes, seeming to share his thoughts on the matter. Kimigiku glanced back and forth at Sen and Shiranui. After opening her eyes, Sen gestured for Kimigiku to give them some privacy. Kimigiku hesitated for a moment before inclining her head and complying with the princess's wishes.
Crossing his arms, Shiranui sighed."She blames herself for what happened to her friends and Sakamoto. The way she sees it, if it weren't for her connection to them, they wouldn't've suffered and died as a result."
Sen tilted her gaze downward."Something you can relate to."
Shiranui lifted his eyes to give her a glare that she ignored."I am well aware of your feelings regarding the deaths of Takasugi, Harada, and Sakamoto," she said. Huffing, he looked away, hating that she was right.
Sen sighed."She won't listen to me. It may be difficult for her to listen to anyone, but you have the best chance. Is that what you are trying to explain to me?" He didn't respond, which was sufficient confirmation for her. She gave another sigh."I have my duties as a leader to focus on, as do you, but you see her everyday and do not have as large an amount of problems to take care of as I do. Therefore, I suppose I have no other choice but to trust you."
His eyebrows rose."Gee, way to make it sound like I'm Kazama," he drawled sarcastically.
She gave him a stern look."Not anywhere near as bad, but still worthy of occasional suspicion. My threat, no, my promise still stands." She whipped out her blade and pointed it at his neck."Gun or no gun, you know what I can and will do to you if I even suspect you are doing something wrong to Chizuru-chan." She didn't ask if she'd made herself clear, nor did he indicate as much. Either action would have been unnecessary.
Shiranui looked Sen dead in the eye."My promise still stands too. I swore on my honor as a Demon and leader of my clan that I'd protect Yukimura Chizuru." He lowered his gaze for a second, then returned it to Sen."Before Harada died, I told him I'd make sure that girl didn't do anything too stupid or reckless. I never made that promise to Sakamoto, but in his dying moments, I think he understood that I'd do so for his sake as well. You already had this talk with me, albeit not directly, not long ago, so don't think I've forgotten about this." He straightened his posture."I'm no miracle worker, I'm no expert at helping broken people, but I'll never break my promise. I'll protect her and help her as best as I can. You can count on that."
Sen slowly put away her weapon. Afterwards, she nodded. There was no need to verbally reply with gratitude or acceptance. She was putting her trust in Shiranui, for real this time, and he would do all he could not to disappoint her or any of the dead men he'd also made that vow to.
"We need to talk."
Chizuru was startled from her thoughts by his voice. She twisted around in her seat, forgetting about the sunrise when she saw Shiranui standing there. Their sun watching sessions hadn't previously involved conversation, so this would have been a surprise if not for what had happened yesterday.
She turned away from him, shifting uncomfortably when he moved closer to her. He stood with his arms crossed, making it clear there was no getting out of this discussion. Didn't mean she wouldn't try.
Of course Sen told him. Even if she hadn't, that scream was telling enough.
"There is nothing to discuss," she said quietly."I did what I had to do." The words were no less painful than the first time she uttered them. Her stance on the matter had not changed, however.
"Why?" Shiranui asked calmly. When she did not answer, he sighed."I think I know why, but I also think there's more to it than that."
"There is not," she said a little quickly, her voice cracking the slightest bit. She turned away from him, futilely hoping he wouldn't notice.
"You could at least try to be convincing when you lie, kid." He came to stand next to her."Or in this case, not overdo it with the effort and desperation."
Chizuru didn't want to prove him right, but nothing she did or didn't do would work to her advantage. She kept quiet.
"You're pretty pathetic, you know that?" Shiranui uttered dryly. Chizuru was surprised her neck didn't snap from how quickly she looked to him. Anger, confusion, and shock filled her as she gawked at him. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised that he'd say something like that.
His expression was blank as he tilted his head."I can guess what's going on in your mind right now." He started pacing."You blame yourself for what happened to Sakamoto and your Shinsengumi pals." A statement, not a question."You think of yourself as a curse, and that the only way to protect what few loved ones you've got left is to stay away from them. You also plan to keep your distance from everyone here out of fear that they'll suffer the same fate." He stopped pacing and slowly spun around on his heel to face her. He crossed his arms."Did I get the gist of it?"
She was already gawking at him, but her jaw dropped further. Every detail was correct, as if he'd read her mind.
"But there's more to it than that." Again, a statement instead of a question. He restarted his pacing."Just hours after you got here, you told me why you decided to accept my offer. You wanted a way to be reminded less of your past while not forgetting it entirely, trying to find a healthy balance. You said I was a mystery, that you thought that was what you needed right now." Once again, he stopped and slowly spun on his heel to face her."Did I get the gist of that too?"
Her jaw could not drop any further. Shiranui allowed himself a small, brief smirk before becoming serious."See, all of this confuses me. You say you want one thing, then insist you want something else. So which is it? Both? That's certainly hard to comprehend, unless, of course, the simple answer is that you're lying to yourself."
"What are you-" She started. He didn't let her finish.
"You're afraid," he stated, walking closer to her. She resisted the urge to move away."You want to let people in, you want to move on, you want to be happy, but you're afraid that if you do, you'll just end up losing more people and then you'll blame yourself for it." He took a step closer; this time she did back away. He knelt in front of her so they were at eye level. She leaned back slightly, both from discomfort and from being taken aback by the sad glint in his eyes."You've chosen to let the fear guide you, because you don't think you deserve to be happy, that it would be selfish of you to put others at risk. Did I-"
"Stop asking questions you already know the answer to," she snapped. He lightly flicked her forehead.
"I get it," he said as if she hadn't just spoken."I really do. Honestly, us being Demons and losing people close to us are probably the only things we have in common. That pain, grief, and guilt you're feeling is no stranger to me. I'm a clan leader, so I have duties to accomplish and while I can just keep it professional, it's actually better and easier for me to form bonds with them. Obviously, they're not going to love me and agree with me all the time and you don't need to like someone to trust and respect them, but it's the preferable option. Don't get me wrong; with each loss, I'm tempted to break those bonds and push everyone away, but I don't. You wanna know why?" He didn't wait for her to respond."Because that would be both selfish and selfless. Yeah, not wanting for someone to suffer is selfless, though in your case, you've got nothing to feel guilty about, so wipe that curse bullshit from your brain." She opened her mouth to argue, and he shushed her."Quiet. Let me finish." She wanted to point out the irony of him wanting to finish speaking when he kept interrupting her, and his brief smirk suggested he was aware of this."Now, as I was saying, you're not to blame for anything. Your loved ones chose to stay beside you and help you. Am I saying they're to blame for their own fates? No. But they made a choice. They knew how dangerous it was and they didn't hesitate to make that choice anyway. What happened to them is a lot of people's faults, and you are not one of those people. You're as much a victim in this as anyone else. You didn't know Kodo wasn't your father, you didn't know Kaoru existed because Kodo hid the truth from you. And while it was horrible what happened to your brother, he chose to go to the Nagumo Clan to protect you. I'm sure Sakamoto told you the same thing. Yeah, he blamed you for it, but I was there when he died, I was the one who pulled the trigger and ended his life. In his dying moments, he didn't blame you anymore."
"H-He wasn't-"
"Oh, I'm sure he wasn't entirely in the right mental state as he was dying, but only partially. The other part of him was genuinely not mad at you. He didn't hate you, he hated the Nagumo Clan for tormenting him and he hated Kodo for abandoning him and he took it out on you, but he didn't die hating or blaming you. And neither did your Shinsengumi buddies or Sakamoto. They chose to help you and fight and their deaths are not your fault. Kodo and all those pompous, cowardly leaders are to blame, no one else, least of all you. The people you care about suffered and so have you. You're still suffering, and adding to it is pointless and stupid." He waved a finger in her face."And another thing." He sighed."You have no right to take away other people's choices. Sen chose to be your friend and help you. I'm sure a somewhat similar idea can be applied to Matsumoto. Pushing away hurts you as much as it does them. That's where the selfish part plays in."
Chizuru clenched her fists. She wanted to yell at him, hit him, ignore him, because everything he said made sense and burned into her heart and brain. She knew they had chosen to fight and stay with her, she knew how seflish it was to take away that choice from them. She hated herself and she wanted to hate Shiranui for reading her like a book and tearing apart her self-centered thoughts.
She covered her face with her hands as tears pricked her eyelids. She shook her head whilst whispering,"Stop. Please stop." She choked on a sob and swallowed it down along with several others that were trying to escape her throat. Her body trembled as she struggled to maintain her composure."No more..."
Shiranui stood up and stepped backwards to give her some space. He sighed."Thank goodness Sen isn't here. Otherwise, she'd rip my head off."
Chizuru couldn't have looked at him faster. She made no attempt to hide her disbelief and annoyance. He frowned and said,"Hey, you and I both know she could actually rip my head off with her bare hands, especially if she's pissed off. Kazama's lucky to still be alive after his many close encounters with her wrath."
Chizuru laughed in spite of herself, and immediately slapped a hand over her mouth and glared at Shiranui.
Shiranui smirked at her."That wasn't an exaggeration, but I figured it would make you laugh." He rolled his eyes at her glare."Don't tell me you'd prefer to be crying your eyes out right now. And I enjoy keeping my head attached to my neck, so don't think I'm not looking out for myself in this situation too."
She snorted."You make it sound like I wouldn't expect that from you."
"Geez, easy on the sass," he said with a grin."You know, I don't remember you ever being this sassy in the past, if at all."
"Hmph." She crossed her arms."Ryouma had that effect on me. After awhile, I got used to his annoying, cocky demeanor and learned to respond. And he had moments where he genuinely amused me. I suppose that's where you two differ."
His eyes widened."Okay, that's it." He tried to grab her, but she moved away with a squeal.
She stood up straight and dusted off her dress before turning back to him. She recrossed her arms and pressed her lips into a thin line."I know what you are doing, Shiranui-san." She huffed."Not that you are trying to hide it." She shut her eyes tightly."You make it sound so easy..."
Shiranui scoffed."I know it isn't. Is life ever easy?" He sighed deeply."Listen, kid, as much as I disagree with what you're doing, I understand how you feel. You may not believe it, but you're strong. You meant what you said about wanting to move on and not forgetting the past nor letting it haunt you. Not many people can do that. What you're doing...it's the coward's way out, the weak way out, and you are not a coward or a weakling."
"Because I'm a Demon?" She whispered bitterly.
"No, because in spite of everything you've been through, you've always maintained the will to smile and look forward to a better future, to fight for that future in your own underestimated way. You never gave into despair before. No reason to start now." Shiranui gave one last sigh, then turned and walked away, leaving her alone to ponder what he'd told her.
Chizuru's shoulders slumped and a tired exhale left her lips afore she turned to watch the rest of the sunrise, Shiranui's words echoing in her ears.
"Shiranui-san, I need to speak with you."
Shiranui paused as the cup of sake was about to touch his lips. The servants who'd been distributing dinner followed his gaze to the owner of the voice. Chizuru stood in the doorway, hands clasped in front of her. Her facial expression was polite but stoical. She glanced at the servants and inclined her head.
"Alone," she said softly. Shiranui gestured for them to comply with her wishes. Chizuru stepped aside to let them pass, returning the bows they directed to her before they exited the room. After closing the door, she let out a deep breath and turned to Shiranui.
She bit her lip and rubbed her arm as she tried to figure out what to say. He assumed this had seemed easier when she planned it in her head. He patiently sipped his drink while waiting for her to speak.
She pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned quietly, then approached him. She sat down beside him and picked up the sake bottle to pour him another cup, both to be nice and to assauge her anxiousness. He didn't protest, and fought the urge to smile at the memory of their encounter while she was disguised as a geisha. She met his gaze, her eyes narrowing as she realized what he was thinking about, then she rolled her eyes and lifted her chin, now sufficiently confident to start this conversation.
After their argument this morning, he had gone to attend to his duties and hadn't seen her until now, as she had not watched the sunset today. He left her be, knowing that she needed time to gather her thoughts. This was sooner than he expected, but he wasn't complaining. Whenever she felt ready was up to her. All he could do was offer advice and await her decision.
"I've been thinking about what you told me earlier," she said."And I stand by my decision to cut off Sen-chan and Matsumoto-sensei." He lifted his head to give her a blank look, sensing that there was more she wished to say. Her lip biting supported that idea.
"However," she added."This is not a permanent decision. I will not communicate with them and I will take some time, however long I need, to make a permanent decision on this topic. So neither you nor they should get your hopes up or despair for me."
"Fair enough," he said simply, taking another sip. She blinked, taken aback by how easily he'd accepted it. He snorted."What? You expected another speech?" No response was given, and he snorted once more."Nothing I can say that I haven't already said. No point in repeating myself. You're not deaf or stupid. Figure things out like you initially said you planned to do. Your life is the one at stake here, so take all the time you need." He snickered."There. I gave you a small speech, since you seemed to expect and want one so much."
She blinked again, then slowly nodded her head in acknowledgment and gratitude. He nodded back as he allowed her to pour more sake for him.
They settled into silence, content to save their worrisome thoughts about the future for tomorrow.
The next morning, he found her watching the sunrise and quietly joined her.
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