Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.


"There's things that happen in a person's life that are so scorched in the memory and burned into the heart that there's no forgetting them."
— John Boyne


Chizuru woke up alone.

Having gone to bed with Ryouma to rest before their departure for Sendai, she was unable to fall back asleep. She knew he was close by and that the same applied to her friends here, but thoughts of what they would soon face kept her up.

Her brother was dead and her father...she couldn't even call him that anymore. She couldn't hate him, but the revelation that everything about him had been a lie stung as painfully as from their initial reunion. That man, that fake persona was the father she missed, the father she loved and mourned. This man who she would be confronting was a stranger, a monster, and so many other things that angered and saddened her.

Sighing, she gave up on slumber and decided to get a bit of fresh air. Maybe the others were awake. She could use some company, be it from Ryouma or one of the Shinsengumi men. These were the people she trusted, her true family. Kodo and Kaoru did not come close to them.

There were plenty of soldiers, but no one she recognized. She frowned and examined her surroundings. It wouldn't be farfetched to assume they had gone to bed, even if they often required lectures on the matter. What about Ryouma, though?

A muffled cry made her stop in her tracks. Before she could wonder if she'd really heard that, the sound of leaves and bushes being disturbed touched her eardrums. She hurried to the source of the noise, kneeling behind a bush to see what was going on. Her eyes widened at the somewhat familiar sight that greeted her.

Ryouma was struggling to pry Sanan's fingers off his collar as the bespectacled man held him above the ground. Surrounding them were Heisuke, Hijikata, Saito, Souma, Nomura, and Shimada. The men were all glaring at Ryouma.

Chizuru was too shocked to react.

Sanan lifted Ryouma higher. No one's expression changed, save for the increase in struggling from Ryouma.

"Y-You've all made yourselves clear," Ryouma wheezed, trying his best to smile confidently.

"Talk is cheap," Saito said, crossing his arms."Which you do a lot of."

Hijikata snorted."Too much, in my opinion."

A droplet of sweat slid down Ryouma's cheek, and he swallowed. He wasn't frightened, but...embarrassed? The only other time she'd seen him look embarrassed (and that was in an utterly different way), was when he'd walked in on her while she was topless and he was quick to return to his confident, teasing attitude after apologizing. He truly seemed ashamed by their remarks. Seeing this, Sanan released him, and he managed to land on his feet.

Ryouma coughed and adjusted his collar."Well, I can't prove myself if you kill me. To you and her." He closed his eyes."I promised her...well, I made a few promises to her, actually, and you better believe I'll do anything to keep them. Doubt me if you want; I don't blame you, but I'm serious. And I know you'll make me regret it if I do hurt her. Hell, I'd willingly come to you to be punished."

Silence fell over the men. Chizuru brought a hand to her heart, murmuring her beloved's name as his words echoed in her ears. The Shinsengumi men were exchanging looks, clearly conflicted about trusting him despite, or perhaps because of, his proclamation. As for the man in question, he was gazing at the sky, his expression more sober and thoughtful than she'd ever previously seen.

The Shinsengumi seemed satisfied, or as close as possible to it. They all nodded curtly with soft yet serious countenances. Ryouma's eyes returned to them, and he nodded back. The group started to disperse except for Ryouma, who stayed to continue thoughtfully watching the sky. Sanan and Heisuke were the only ones not to go off alone and though Chizuru wanted to approach Ryouma she also wanted to speak to her friends. But should she really come out and reveal she'd been eavesdropping? It wouldn't be the first time that happened, but still...

A hand touched her shoulder. She jumped and gasped, freezing when Sanan put a finger to his lips. Her face reddened in embarrassment at having been caught. Heisuke offered her a hand which she accepted. Sanan gestured for her to follow himself and Heisuke, and she complied after shooting a concerned glance to Ryouma, who hadn't noticed them.

"There is something we would like to give you," Sanan explained once they were out of earshot."Well, mostly it is me returning some things to you, but there is one new item." He glanced at Heisuke, the left corner of his mouth quirking. Heisuke pretended not to notice her questioning look in his direction.

They arrived at a tent. Chizuru waited outside with Heisuke while Sanan went inside. A minute later, he emerged with a small box that he offered to Chizuru. She sat down, feeling a mix of tentativeness and eagerness as she opened the box. She brought a hand to her mouth to muffle a gasp when she saw what was inside. Could it really be...?

She looked at Sanan; he smiled kindly and nodded. Returning her focus to the box, she pulled out a beautiful hairpin and a simple book. The journal and accessory that Sanan had given her.

"It didn't feel right leaving them behind," Heisuke hesitantly spoke up."So I took them with us. You know, just in case."

"That isn't all," Sanan said, gesturing to the box. Chizuru looked back down and tilted her head in response to what else she found. Another hairpain, not as beautiful as the other one, but still very pretty. Sanan had mentioned something new that they wanted to give her. The first hairpin and the journal had been gifts from Sanan and he had said that they both wanted to give her this box, so that meant...

She turned to Heisuke, whose cheeks were pink. Sanan chuckled.

"It took a lot of persuasion on my part to convince Toudou-kun not to dispose of his gift for you," he said, adjusting his glasses.

"Persuasion?!" Heisuke exclaimed, scowling and pointing at Sanan."You made it crystal clear you weren't giving me a choice and that it was either I hand it over or you'd take it yourself, even if I threw it away!"

"I fail to see the difference between that and actual persuasion, Toudou-kun. Especially considering how stubborn you were being about it." Sanan spoke sweetly.

"That...makes sense coming from you." Heisuke still looked displeased, to say the least, and Sanan's shameless amusement was not helping.

Chizuru made zero effort to stifle her laughter. Both Furies looked at her, Sanan's smile widening while Heisuke forgot his displeasure and grinned. She sat there giggling for a minute afore abruptly stopping as dread filled her. Her expression became very somber. They looked at her in concern and moved closer to her as she dropped the items and slowly wrapped her arms around herself. She hung her head.

"Chiz-" Heisuke started.

"Don't die," she said so quietly that they almost didn't hear her."Please don't die."

They froze at her words. She did not look up. Her teeth dug into her bottom lip and she barely stopped herself from trembling. They exchanged glances, and she opened her mouth to repeat her plea, but choked on a sob. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand as another sob escaped her. Tears pricked her eyelids; she tried to wipe her eyes, but the tears came too swiftly.

Both men were beside her in an instant. Heisuke's arms encircled her whilst Sanan put a hand on her shoulder and gave a comforting squeeze. Her mouth opened and shut as she unsuccessfully attempted to reiterate her plea. Heisuke hugged her tighter and Sanan squeezed her shoulder once more.

They never verbally responded.

Chizuru's eyes snapped open as a gasp burst from her lips. She sat up, frantically looking from side to side until she remembered where the objects she was searching for were and looked to her nightstand. Sure enough, the box was there, wide open with the book and hairpins inside.

Shakily she reached for the box, but stopped at the last second. She touched her own face to confirm that she was crying. No sobs came to her throat, and soon she was still save for her breathing. She put a hand over her rapidly beating heart.

How could she be so upset yet so calm? Normally she would be a sobbing, shaking mess, and she would have preferred that. But there was no emotional explosion, no matter how much she willed it to occur. On the inside, she wanted to burst, yet she might as well be an inanimate object with her lack of energy and emotion.

She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. That memory replayed in her head, and she could neither embrace it nor push it away.

She knew it was pointless to make that plea, to have the smallest hope that they would live, but the reality was too painful to bear. She had witnessed them both at death's door, watched Sanan struggle to maintain his sanity after drinking the serum and held Heisuke in her arms after Amagiri wounded him, and she wanted to believe that was all the proof she needed to assure herself of their survival, even if they disagreed, even as reality laughed at her and struck her again and again. She had thought the same about Ryouma.

With a heavy sigh, she rubbed her eyes to wipe the tears and get rid of the remaining sleepiness. She didn't want to spend another second cooped up in this room.

Chizuru threw off the covers and marched to her wardrobe, retrieving a simple grey dress and matching cloak. In her eagerness to leave the room, she ran her fingers through her hair and glanced at the mirror for a second instead of brushing her hair, and practically fled the room.

She kept her head low and held her cloak tightly around herself as she walked through the quiet hallway, not acknowledging the guards and politely dismissing the servants she passed. Not many of them were on shift at this time, so it wasn't hard. The only person who could actually cause issues for her was Shiranui, and he had promised to give her the space and time she needed, so that wasn't something to worry about either.

Their argument replayed within her mind as much as her memories, and induced the same amount of stress in her. He had torn apart every thoughts of hers, read her like a book, and she both hated and appreciated him for it. She wanted to be proven wrong. She wanted this fear and guilt, this perception of her acting as an unwilling curse to anyone who dared risk themselves for her sake, to be exposed for the delusion that it was. She didn't want to be alone, to drown in her grief for the rest of her life. But the fear and guilt had dug itself deep inside of her soul and heart, crushing her with its reminders of the risks and dangers that came with being close to her. Shiranui had recognized that and gave her the basic necessities for recovery, encouraged her to fight, made it clear he understood and that he was always nearby if she required help. Again, she felt an equal mixture of frustration and gratitude toward him.

These three days since she promised to take the proper time to think and come to a proper decision had been nothing short of agonizing, but there was a constant sense of comfort radiating from Shiranui. Maybe she imagined some of it to help her cope, but the consolation and support were appreciated all the same.

Suddenly, she heard voices. She couldn't make out what they were saying, but the closer she got the more she was certain she knew them.

The door to the dining room was ajar, and she slowed down as she approached it. The conversation inside continued. The speakers were unaware of her presence. She peered inside. Upon seeing one of the room's occupants, someone she considered an unwelcome guest, she put a hand to her mouth to muffle a gasp and stepped back.

Amagiri and Shiranui went on talking, still unaware of her presence. Considering her lack of stealth skills, she was relieved by this.

"I understand your skepticism-" Amagiri said, only to stop when Shiranui snorted.

Shiranui sat back in his chair and took a sip of sake. "You and I both know there was no reason for you to come here to deliver any message. A letter or someone else being sent here would have sufficed."

"I," Amagiri hesitated, eyes briefly lowering then shooting back up."I preferred to come here myself. I thought it would be better if I personally delivered the news to her."

Shiranui glanced to the doorway, too quick for even Amagiri to notice. During that very brief moment he met Chizuru's gaze and she realized he was asking what she wanted to do. When his gaze returned to Amagiri, Chizuru took a deep breath and entered the room. Amagiri spun around at the sound of the door fully opening. She averted her eyes when he bowed to her, instead looking to Shiranui for assurance. Shiranui shook his head, and she relaxed.

Amagiri nodded."Apologies for my sudden visit, especially in light of recent events, but as I believe you have heard, there is some news I would like to give you."

Chizuru inclined her head to indicate she was listening.

"I have some information regarding your friends within the Shinsengumi."

Her eyes widened, but quickly narrowed. Thoughts of her curse were rushing to the center of her brain, making it difficult to hide her emotions. Amagiri either did not notice or ignored it.

"Souma Kazue has been imprisoned but is alive. Shimada Kai is also alive. There are rumors that Nagakura Shinpachi and Saito Hajime are alive as well, and I do not doubt that they are true. I thought you deserved you to know and I have enough respect for the Shinsengumi to prefer to deliver the news myself instead of settling for a letter or sending a stranger to tell you."

Chizuru's hand moved of its own accord to rest over her heart. She shut her eyes tightly, fighting back the tears of relief and dread. Her curse hadn't killed everyone she loved.

"Thank you." She was pleasantly surprised by how calm she sounded. She opened her eyes, lifted her chin, and cleared her throat."I'm sure they would have appreciated your respect for them. I certainly do." Despite all of the negative experiences Amagiri was associated with, there was no doubt in her words.

Amagiri bowed his head.

She crossed her arms."Was there anything else you wanted?" Amagiri shook his head."Then thank you again for telling me. I wish you well." Uneasy as she might be about Amagiri, ill will did not come naturally to her.

Tense, polite farewells were exchanged between the men. Chizuru gave Amagiri a curt nod. Grateful as she was for his respect, she didn't want any more to do with him than necessary. He was too great a link to Kazama. Amagiri seemed to understand her feelings, because he made his departure swift.

Once Amagiri left, an awkward silence settled over them.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" Shiranui eventually asked with his eyes closed and a grimace. Her silence was answer enough.

He studied her, hiding his smile with his cup."You should wear your hair down more often," he said, taking another sip."It looks better that way."

Chizuru's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. She touched her hair, making a mental note to cut it soon."If I don't, will you take off my hairpin and run off like a mischievous little boy?" She asked dryly.

Shiranui chuckled."Maybe."

Chizuru giggled, enjoying the brief amusement. After sobering up, she moved to the window and perched on the windowsill.

"Bad dreams?" He guessed, then grimaced."Join the club, kid," he muttered humorlessly.

She hugged herself."What do you dream about?" She inquired.

Grunting, Shiranui leaned back in his chair."The good days when they were still alive. Bittersweet memories, really."

She lowered her gaze."Aren't all memories bittersweet?" She wondered aloud, unsure if she was addressing him or her own grieving mind."The bitterness is just more obvious."

Shiranui pursed his lips and looked to the side."Hmm, no arguments here." He finished his cup in one gulp and stood."Wait here. Something I need to show you."

Her eyebrows rose as she watched him go. Shrugging, she returned to admiring the night sky through the window.

Every night since her arrival here was plagued by a dream with a memory of her friends and/or the man she loved. But this night had the memory closest to their deaths. She dreaded having to relive leaving Heisuke and Sanan behind and watching Ryouma turn to ash.

She brought her legs up onto the windowsill and hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them.

Didn't you just say you wanted to remember despite the pain?

And I meant that. But I don't want to remember it every second of my existence. I need change to help...balance it out, I guess.

She couldn't stop thinking about them. Not a second passed that they weren't in her thoughts. It drove her mad, but she couldn't bear to let go. She deserved to suffer for her uselessness, naivety, and obliviousness...

The people you care about suffered and so have you. You're still suffering, and adding to it is pointless and stupid.

Exhaling deeply and loudly, she rubbed her temples. A headache ravaged her skull. She took a deep breath, in and out, slowly, hugging her knees tighter as she rocked herself back and forth.

Balance. She desperately needed that balance. And she also desperately needed to destroy this paranoia. She needed to not think about this for awhile. She wasn't in the right state to handle this, assuming there was a right state, but she would certainly not be able to endure this as she was now.

A cup of water suddenly appeared in front of her face. She ceased her rocking and realized Shiranui had returned. Her turmoil had consumed her attention, so she failed to notice him returning. He thrust the cup at her and she shakily took it, taking slow sips while he rubbed circles into her back. When she was done drinking, she closed her eyes to compose herself. After a moment, she unclosed them and nodded. Shiranui took the cup from her and placed it on the table. She noticed his other hand was hiding something behind his back, no doubt what he wanted to show her. He met her gaze, and revealed the object to her:

Harada's spear.

Shiranui had fought alongside Harada when he died and spoken of him with respect, but it never occurred to her that he could have Harada's weapon in his possession.

"He'd want you to have it," Shiranui said, pushing it towards her."I...buried him the best way I could. Thought about leaving the spear there as a marking, but I figured he'd want it to remain useful somehow."

"No," she said, shaking her head."I-I can't even use..." She swallowed."You should keep it...like Ryouma's gun."

He shook his head."Think of it the same way you do of your sword. And Sakamoto...I was close to him. Harada, however much I respected him...I didn't know him like you did."

Her trembling hand grasped the spear, though she did not take it from him."H-How did he die?" She barely heard her own question.

His eyes fell shut."Kodo shot him." A sad grin crossed his lips."We ambushed him and his Furies. Harada started yelling at him, called him a monster, a terrible father, asked if he had any idea how much pain he caused you. We took out all his furies, but Kodo escaped after shooting Harada." His hands twitched."He said he was planning on reuniting with Shinpachi and finding you to make sure Sakamoto was treating you well." He opened his eyes."I-I think he loved you as much as Sakamoto did."

Chizuru choked on a sob. She could almost feel the warmth of Harada's hand patting her head, see his friendly smile, hear his assurances that she was a normal girl despite her healing powers and what her fellow Demons said, all their talks about dreams of settling down with someone they loved and starting a family. He couldn't do that with her, so he wanted to make sure Ryouma did not fail to give her that.

It's a man's job to protect a woman.

Her teeth dug into her bottom lip, the taste of blood filling her mouth. His last words and thoughts were mostly devoted to insulting Kodo for what he did to her and doing everything he could to be certain she was happy.

You're a normal girl. You're one of us. Your healing powers don't change anything.

Harada was among the few that were kind to her from the start. He secretly took her on a walk one night while she was still under house arrest, was always there to pat her head and smile and offer comforting words when she doubted herself. He was her closest friend out of all the Shinsengumi men, and perhaps cared the most for her. Only Heisuke came close to the level of intimacy she shared with Harada. In a different world, where she hadn't met and given her heart to Ryouma, she could have returned Harada's affections. And she could have watched him suffer a worse death than a gunshot.

A cry left her and she buried her face in her knees, sobbing hysterically. Shiranui's hand was on her back and he was gripping her shoulder but she barely registered his touch. She was rocking again and her sobbing grew so loud that her throat ached, resembling a wild animal in her anguish.

Harada, Heisuke, Sanan, and Ryouma. They were dead because of her. Because of a stupid, helpless, gullible girl...

Then, words she'd heard what felt like an eternity ago, spoken by the man she loved, echoed in her ears.

Whenever you feel hopeless or stuck in your head, I want you to remember what I'm about to tell you...

Her rocking slowed, as did her sobbing.

There's no sense in feeling guilty. Not now, not ever.

She ceased moving and sobbing, though her face was still a tearful, snotty mess. She recalled her own soft, tentative question in response to his comforting assurances.

Do I deserve to be happy?

She swallowed, forcing down any remaining sobs and lifted her head from her knees, but kept it down to prevent Shiranui from seeing her face. She marched over to the table and grabbed a napkin to wipe her face, then grabbed a pitcher of water and accepted the cup from Shiranui. She downed it in one gulp and put her palms on the table, realizing she was panting like she'd run up a mountain. She focused on her breathing, willing herself to relax and ignore the whispers of guilt hissing in her mind. She mentally repeated the words Ryouma had said to her, that night after Kaoru revealed the truth to her and made her feel guilty for not knowing about him.

Eventually, her breathing became normal and her mind cleared. At least for the time being. This would happen again soon and she dreaded it with all her heart, but she felt a little less scared now. It wasn't much, barely anything, but it mattered.

Her legs gave out; she leaned her weight on her palms that rested on the table and eased herself into seiza position on the floor. Shiranui knelt beside her, hesitant to touch her. Chizuru reached for the spear, her hands no longer shaking. She carefully held it to her chest.

"My hair," she murmured, touching the spot where a hairpin would be."I've seen you staring at my hairpins. Curious why I wear traditional Japanese hairpins when the rest of my attire is western?"

"It's not my business," he said, though his eyebrows rose at the possibility of receiving an explanation.

"They were gifts from Sanan-san and Heisuke-kun. Sanan-san gave me a book to use as a journal and later a hairpin. Heisuke-kun had one too, but changed his mind at the last minute. Sanan-san found out and made him give it to me. The night before they left with Ryouma and I to fight my father - no, Kodo - Sanan-san returned his gifts to me and I finally got Heisuke-kun's gift. Those things are all I have left of them."

Shiranui's eyes glinted with understanding. Unconsciously, his hands covered his guns, one of which belonged to Ryouma.

"Takasugi gave you and Ryouma those guns, right?" She asked.

He nodded."I think Sakamoto valued his even more than I did mine. Obsessively cleaned it all the time, probably even forgot how to use his swords because that gun, along with his attitude about westernization, meant so much to him."

Chizuru nodded."Yes, he was just like that." She gave a genuine smile, devoid of the sadness and pain that had consumed her since losing him. She would hold onto this respite for as long as she could.

With a grace and steadiness she hadn't felt in months, Chizuru stood, using Harada's spear to keep her balance just in case the weakness attacked her. Shiranui also stood, staying close to help her if she needed it. She tightened her grip on the spear and bowed.

"Thank you for giving this to me," she said, and he gave a curt nod. As she turned around to leave, she thought she noticed the ghost of a smile appear on his countenance. He silently watched her exit the room.

As she was opening the door to her quarters, a servant passed. She politely asked for tea to be brought to her, and the servant bowed and hurried to fulfill the order. Normally, she would do these things for herself, exactly what she'd done since arriving here, but right now she was eager to write in her journal, so just this once she would let the servants do something for her. She put the spear next to her nightstand, making a mental note to create a special holding place for it like for her sword. She took off her cloak, hanging it on the chair in front of her desk. She lit a candle, retrieved the journal from the box as well as several pens from the drawer. Then she settled down to wait for the servant to come with the tea.

Once everything was ready, she took a deep breath and began to write, starting with tonight's dreams and then letting her mind form other ideas. It felt good, and she smiled brightly the entire time.

You never gave into despair before. No reason to start now.

She wasn't better, far from it. She very likely could break down again by tomorrow, but this was something and she liked to think her loved ones would be proud of her for it.


I admit that updates for this fic will take the longest. I do enjoy writing it but I don't have completely solid plan for this like I do for Enigma and Revenge. I am really just doing this for the fun of exploring a Shiranui romance so it takes longer to organize and then write and update for this. But again, I really enjoy writing this fic and will never abandon it so just be patient with me.